The Right Decision

Last week, I got an email to "save the date" for an upcoming baptism in CA. It came from one of my college girlfriends, who btw, happens to be one of my best friends from back in da day. Last year when she found out that she was expecting her second child, she asked me to be a ninang. Although I was flattered and honored, I was also surprised that she asked me. Surprised because ever since about 4-5 years ago, our friendship began its "downward spiral." Coincidentally or not, it just so happened around the time I started dating hubby. Was it as dramatic as it seems? Probably. Depends which side of the story you'd like to hear. Personally, I'm tired of the whole thing- the arguments, misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the pride. There comes a time in your life when you know enough is enough. Sometimes we're hit with the reality that the things we feel worth fighting for, well...aren't. It all comes down to choosing your battles wisely. In any case and all that aside, we have pretty much gone our separate ways and moved on in our lives-without each other.

Now whether or not it was her attempt to "reach out," it wasn't enough. From the moment that she asked me, we kept in touch once, maybe twice. Although I don't want to count them, those times probably include Evites and the mass emails that announce email address changes. Don't get me wrong, we can be civil and have the small talk conversations about nothing, but we all know that's just being polite. The last time that I saw her was at our friend's father's funeral. Funerals are always strange and uncomfortable reunions of sorts, aren't they? It's unfortunate that it takes a death to bring people back together. We talked, hugged, and even cried together. And that's the time that I saw her last.

Well, the "save the date" was addressed to myself and some other godparents. I was shocked that I even received one! I mean, she didn't have to send me one. Being all the way out in the Midwest, I would've never known, right? I had thought it strange when my sister called me one day to tell me that she ran into her at the mall and she introduced her son as MnM's godson. Hmm. Weird. At the time, I don't think I even knew the kid's name. Since she was so kind to still extend the invitation, I knew that I had to reply back.

I probably sat at my laptop for an hour or so before finding the right words that would convey how I was feeling. Ultimately, it came down to me "respectfully declining my duties as ninang." I had thought about this for some time, but never did anything about it 'cuz honestly, I thought the baptism happened already. Turns out that it's going to be a joint baptism/1st birthday party celebration.

I chose to decline because the chances of me being around to see this kid grow up and for him to get to know me is, well, very unlikely. I didn't want to be one of those godparents who just send birthday cards. It's important for me to at least have a close relationship with the parents. I actually have 5 godchildren-two of which I rarely see even though the parents are my 1st cousins. Maybe what I'm saying is that there's an exception in there somewhere when it comes to being ninang to family members. Ninang or not, I'm still their auntie, you know? But when it comes to being a ninang outside the family, it doesn't sit well with me to be a ninang in name only. Plus, all the drama from the past has never been resolved and it didn't feel right. I took it upon myself to excuse myself, not out of bitterness or resentment of any kind, but rather because I felt that the child deserved someone who would be there for him. I cannot do that, not just because I'm in MN, but because there's still that uncertainty within the friendship.

I've come to terms with the fading friendships of my past, although it took me a helluva long time. Call it my dramas, my struggles, my issues, my whatever. Despite everything, I feel that I did the right thing and made the right decision.