I Will Never Be Alone

I subscribe to a daily Bible verse via KLOVE.com. If there's one thing that I really miss about living in Minnesota, it was the fact that there were so many Christian radio stations out there. I loved the fact that the midwest was so God-friendly, unlike the Bay Area. On KLOVE.com, there are plenty of resources and sites that you can browse...and if you've got satellite radio, you can tune in to the latest Christian pop/alternative songs. So I get an email everyday with a new Bible verse. Sometimes, I'll open my email, read the verse, and move on; other times, there will be days where a particular verse speaks to me and compels me to grab my Bible and read the entire passage.

I just read over my posts for the past few days...and nothing much has changed. With this rainy weather we've been hit with, it matches my mood. I'm actually glad that my cousin/roomie spends a lot of time with her man because I get the apartment to myself...lol...no one to hear me bitch and complain.

Today's verse is Psalm 42:11.

It amazes me how God speaks to us...even though I know He is all-knowing and all-powerful, His timing never ceases to amaze me. He knows the exact time you need to experience, feel, and hear something. He knows what our limit is and He doesn't give us what we cannot handle. If He brings us TO it, He will bring us THROUGH it. Even if those tough times span years, He is molding us in that way for a reason only known to Him. I know why I feel the way I feel...and at the same time, I don't know. It's crazy, right? But man...we all tend to forget that He's there for us...and we all need reminding from time to time that we are not alone.

So thank you, God, for this day. Even though I categorize it as a nightmare of a day with a thumbs down, I know that there is a purpose to all of this madness. And with regards to the other "stuff" (...eeek...banned word for my 3rd graders....) that's driving my insanity, I will take a moment to breathe and not worry. Because no matter what the outcome may be, whether it is to my liking or not, I know that I will be able to handle it because of you.

Still looking for my chi...*hoo-sa*...

Bitch Mode

I won't apologize for feeling so bitchy...a woman should be entitled to a free pass on days that feel like shit, right? And it ain't even about the monthly friend, either.

I don't normally feel entitled to much really...I'd like to think that I'm pretty humble about most things. But, for example, I DO expect a simple 'thank you' when I give you something...or an 'excuse me' when you accidentally bump me. These aren't even about being entitled...we're talking courtesy here!

I believe that everyone deserves some happiness...I mean, why not? I'm going to sound downright selfish right now, but I don't freakin' care at the moment. Is it so wrong to want to be wanted? It sucks ass when you extend your hand and go out of your way to do something for someone and then you get nothing in return. Not that you were doing this thing in the first place to get recognition or anything like that...but an acknowledgment might be nice. Or is it because it's a known good that you're dependable and just that type of person who will make the effort no matter what just because? Not saying that you're a pushover...but then, people get so used to you being so agreeable about things that they unknowingly take you for granted.

I'm having this bout of neuroticism where my thoughts are racing against my feelings. For example, my current bitchy state is being internally analyzed and my head is trying to figure out what is making me feel this way, how it looks to other people, and how it can be misinterpreted. A part of me will realize that this state of discontent is unnecessary and yet, the physical responses of unease, irritation, and whatnot have not had time to process completely. It doesn't make sense as I read that back, but in my head it does. Then there is that moment when the feelings and reactions run parallel and I find myself crying for no reason that I can explain. All I know is what I feel at that moment and the better part of it is frustration due to the fact that no one, in my opinion, understands. It's times like these when I feel like I am going insane.

Here's another area that feeds my insanity...not knowing. I'm sure we've all had our anxiety about the future, but what I'm talking about is different. I'm talking about being part of something, something exciting and new, something that you invest a lot of your time and yourself in, and yet, there's that unknowing feeling of whether or not it's real, worth it, and/or mutual. I mean, I've gotten to that point in my life where I think it IS all worth it in the end because all things happen for a reason. But how sucky would it be if the other involved parties didn't feel the same way? Got bored? Decided to invest in something else?

The easiest thing here would be to simply ask and inquire. That's the dude solution. Ha. Then's there's living in my world. I don't expect anyone to read my mind, but after a while, you tend to know a person and how they are. If, for example, you know that it's the little things that count, then by golly, wouldn't you want to make sure that those little things get done? It sounds petty, right? How about we all save each other some time and just throw me a bone....

My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Y'all would've thought that I learned from prior experience to be more cautious with my feelings...and to be honest, I feel like I have. But when you see something worth it, you go for it, right? Because so much time has passed and so much shit has gone down that when the opportunity presents itself, you need to grab hold of it. I get that there are logical explanations for everything...I'm not dense, I'm not stupid, I understand. But maybe my other problem is that I've gotten into the habit of being sensitive to other people's situations that when it comes to ME, I want the same courtesy...and when I don't get it, that's when bitch mode goes into high gear.

Here's another problem among my many...because of my aforementioned neuroticism, sometimes I have a difficult time letting people in on my pain. I would almost rather keep it inside so I can "deal" with it ('cuz remember, it's really not a big thing...). It's not that serious...no worries about me being a walking timebomb of drama. I think that I've gotten used to not having a support system of sorts that really, I can just deal. I've been told that I am good at hiding behind my smile and I guess there is some truth in that. I guess when all that shit is swirling around in your head, I can't do much but smile....lol...is that what it feels like to be high? Not that I would know...

Anyways...this post has gone on for far too long...I've long forgotten what my original intention was, even when it did start off as a bitching session. I'm going through some stuff right now that I wish people could see off the bat 'cuz I honestly don't have the energy to sit down and explain it all. But then again, it's all minor and petty stuff that won't really matter in the end. I just gotta suck it up is all...so enough is enough. Give me a few days and I'll be good. Peace.

A Walk To Remember

It never fails. Each and every single time I watch this movie, there's this tug on my heart and the tears find a way to flow. I've seen this flick enough times to know the dialogue and which songs go with which scene. It wasn't a major blockbuster, but nevertheless, it is still one of my favorite movies...not surprisingly so, the book is among my top faves as well.

So many messages spoke to me tonight, but it always comes down to what our purpose here on earth was. There's the scene when Jamie is in the hospital and she is telling Landon about an epiphany she had...she believes that Landon was sent to her so that he could help her through her sickness. I've always been a believer that each and every person that comes into our lives come into our lives for a reason. These people may leave a huge impact on you or not; either way, their place in your world didn't happen by chance.

I thought of the ex while I watched. I recall a distinct conversation where I had my own revelation of sorts. After beating myself up over and over again about my shitty situation, I came to the realization that perhaps I was sent into his life in order to help him restore his family relationships. From what he told me, his relationship with his dad was beyond repair and his relationship with his children was bare minimum. No doubt that ex-husband dude had/has his issues, but in many ways, I feel that I had a part in helping him fix what was broken. But you have to turn it around, too...what was HIS part in MY life?

My conclusion is this: I HAD to go through a rough marriage, I HAD to move away from my family & friends, I HAD to experience life in Minnesota, I HAD to be where I was IN ORDER to find Christ. Plain and simple. If it wasn't for ex-husband dude, my faith wouldn't be as strong and I wouldn't feel as convicted about Christ as I do today.

Also, I honestly believe that I had to be broken down, hurt, and lied to IN ORDER to become stronger AND so that when I DID find love again, it would be the real deal. It's as if I was given 8 years of crap IN ORDER for me to enjoy what is yet to come. Of course life ain't perfect and I'm probably in for a few more curve balls in life, but still, I am a better person because of it all.

Hah...all this from watching a movie, eh?

It's a Reality...

...when people disappoint you, isn't it? I'm not here to play the blame game, but it's funny what a "friend request" on Facebook can do...well, to me anyways.

It was a domino effect of sorts that somehow led me back down a road that I was glad to have left behind. The connection shook me to the core and that infuriated me.

I can't quite explain it and I'd rather not dwell on it more than I already have. All I know is that I hated feeling what I did. You have certain expectations of people and you count on them to follow through. There's that assumption that they will do what you do for them...but that ain't always the case. My problem is that I assumed...and well, we all know what they say about assumptions, right? I walked right into that one.

Maybe I've been spoiled by my string of good luck? Maybe my luck has run out?

Some people say that they always expect the worst to happen...so that when it does, they are not disappointed. But I don't operate that way. I generally see things in a different light where things can always get better. Too naieve? Maybe. Too optimistic? Perhaps. Too trusting of the situation? Most definitely. And that's where it comes back to bite me in the ass...but in my world, how's how I operate.

So when disappointment comes, it doesn't just come...it hits in threes. What's with that number anyways? And usually the biggest disappointments come from the ones that we love the most, isn't it?

Gosh, it feels like I haven't written in so long...I feel rusty. Not that I ever considered myself to be a great writer, but still. I used to write a lot because putting pen to paper offered me solace in times when I felt completely abandoned. I wrote when I had no one to turn to and wow, to feel that now, even in the most minute way, sucks. The feeling will go away, I imagine, but in the meantime, these are the words that came forth outta nowhere...it's all random to me, jumbled thought not making much sense in parts, but laying it all down the way I see it. I don't know...just thought I'd share.


Tell me that I'm not doomed to have the past repeat itself.
I am 100% completely over him and yet, I am still haunted by him.
That reconnected link to him shook me...even scared me...
As if a friend request would somehow lead him to me to...
To what? Find me? Hurt me?

I don't doubt that he's moved on and he knows I have done the same.
I am content where life has taken me and I am happy...finally.
I have not dwelled on the past nor do I have the desire or need to
But it somehow goes back to the unknowing and uncertainty that I sometimes feel.
I hated that moment of doubt and for that brief period, that ugly suspecting part of me returned.
It took all ounces of energy to tear it away...because I knew if I didn't,
It would mean a revisit to that part of me that should never have existed in the first place.

I blame it all on him.
He was the only one to totally incapacitate my ability to trust.
I made myself vulnerable to him time and time again...
And time and time again, he hurt me with his lies.
He took that dagger and stabbed me deeper and deeper than the first
Never really understanding that a part of me died every single time.
Yet, I blamed myself because I allowed him to hurt me...I allowed it.

But in time, I eventually found a way to live and breathe again.

I often wonder if some things are too good to be true-
Or will I suddenly wake from this dream to find that I am stuck in some god-awful nightmare?

I wonder if I'll ever get that fairytale ending I feel I deserve-
Or is it just that...a fantasy?

Is the happiness I feel the real deal or just a temporary thing?
Because I want this...more than I've ever wanted anything before.