Then and Now
For those that know me, it's no secret that I am the keeper of all significant dates. I don't quite know what it is, but I lean towards the theory that I am masochistic and must enjoy the pain of reliving certain events that especially brought me heartache. Instead of moving forward like normal people, I relive those moments as if it were yesterday.
February 16, 2003.
It was an already crappy weekend. Hubby at the time just came back from San Diego and right off the bat, something was up. It being Valentine's Day weekend, I was disappointed that things weren't lovey dovey as I had hoped...plus, it would've been our first as a married couple. When things needed to be discussed, it was his usual tendancy to clam up. Me, on the other hand, liked to talk things out...not right away, but yes, after a significant time that we should. He told me that he had something to tell me...and by the look on his face, I knew that it wasn't good news.
I was patient at first. But then, I got frustrated by his silence. It was then that I became persistent...probably annoyingly so to the point where I was just plain angry.
I finally blurted out, "What is it? Do you have a kid or something?!"
Silence.
He didn't need to say anything because the look on his face said it all. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why I said it. But I remember feeling as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe because of the shock. And he just sat at the edge of the bed with his head down...ashamed. I don't know how much time had passed when I started screaming at him. I can't even recall the profanities that escaped my mouth, but I do remember throwing the remote control against the wall and slapping him hard. I wish I could've seen inside of his head...to feel what he was feeling as I was yelling at him. Because for me, I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Did he feel that? Could he feel that?
It took me a while to calm down. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't be in the same room as him. I remember feeling so nauseated.
But I had to know the truth...I had to know about the child in question. Perhaps ex-hubby was scared of my reaction...maybe he was scared I'd hit him again because he kept his distance...but what followed next was something I was totally unprepared for. I asked him who the kid was and he had to correct me saying that there were TWO kids, not one. And in fact, I already knew who these kids were...they were the "nieces" that he's always talked about and prided himself about how close he felt to them. I've seen pictures and videos of these "nieces" before, but to find out that they were, indeed, his daughters left me speechless. Why didn't he tell me?
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know how to handle it and my biggest mistake was not telling my family about it right away. How could I? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Embarrassed and ashamed because I SHOULD HAVE known something as important as my future husband having two grown daughters.
Ironically, we were already living in Foster City. I remember leaving the apartment and driving off. I didn't have a destination in mind, but I ended up at a random park in San Mateo. I sat at a bench for what seemed like hours and I remember watching all the people pass me by. I felt numb. I couldn't move. Even if I wanted to, I don't think my legs would've been able to support the weight of my own body. I DID make one call...and that was to my supervisor at work. As vaguely as I could, I told her that I was going through something very personal and that I wouldn't be able to make it in to work at all. It being President's Day weekend, I'd miss four days of school. I was so grateful to her because she didn't pry. Perhaps the request seemed so urgent and maybe the cracking of my voice gave it away, but she told me to take all the time that I needed. I never told anyone at work what happened...not right away anyways...but later on, I would hear the rumors going around about me that I never bothered to squash. The word was that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I heard it for myself and I let people believe it. No one asked questions and I preferred it that way.
Every year since then, February has been a trying month. The depression that plagued me for the next four years was no joke. It wasn't only psychological and emotional, the pain was also physical. Those four days that I didn't go to work was spent in bed. I was completely lethargic...I might as well died...because to me, at that moment, it was as if my world had stopped. You know how there are stages of grief and loss? Well, I skipped a lot of them and didn't handle my grief so well...and that is why I am screwed in the head. But when I had to return to work, I wore the smile that everyone expects of me and went about my day as normally as I could. No one would suspect anything was ever wrong and I intended to keep it that way.
Thank goodness that February is the shortest month! Since 2003, I dreaded February. I dreaded President's Weekend. I dreaded February 16th because my body would react automatically and plunge into this melancholic stupor that would last for days. Last year was different. I actually felt somewhat okay...and it was then that I realized that I was letting the pain, anger, and bitterness go. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. A movie, a song, a picture, or a letter could trigger my emotions so easily, but I knew that I had survived the worst. It DOES get better, by golly, but shit, did it have to take so freakin' long?
Little did I know back then that 2003 would only be the beginning of the end. I was hopeful that we could work it out, in fact, I wanted nothing more. I wanted to be that couple that withstood the drama and proved to everyone that yes, we would be okay. For a long time, I felt like a failure. I thought that if I forgave him just one more time...if I tried one more time. But lie after lie was killing me slowly and I became a whole different person that I no longer recognized. In the end, I HAD to leave. Leaving him and the effects thereafter has been, hands down, the toughest trial in my life.
February 16, 2009.
I woke up sad. Maybe it was habit. My body just knows. It was pouring rain out and I decided to go for a walk. I thought about him and everything that happened six years ago, but surprisingly so, there was no bitterness or anger. Again, maybe the sadness is out of habit. But then, I thought about the Music Maestro...yes, yes, I stated in my previous post that I would try harder to get over him, but that's when I started to feel down. I remember thinking to myself that wow, my luck with Valentine's Day would be different in 2009 because I have a boyfriend. Had.
I just finished watching "In The Land of Women" and the main character is heartbroken over a failed relationship. There's a line where Adam Brody's character shares that "...the further I get away from that (the drama with the girl), I'm not so sure that was real love..." Could that be me with the Music Maestro? I've gone on and on how I believed that he was THE ONE and yet, I find myself crying over him way too much than he deserves. There's definitely something wrong with this picture.
I AM okay...a tad melancholy...but nothing that a lil' retail therapy couldn't fix. So it wasn't clothes or shoes that I splurged on, but rather food and dvds...still. I guess I had to write about 2003 one more time 'cuz there is no way in hell that I'll be doing this again next year- lol. So what if it stings a little bit...what happened with the Music Maestro was like adding salt to the injury...but it heals in time as it always does. There's a lesson to be learned and though I may not know it at the moment, it shall all be revealed when it needs to be.
Happy anniversary to me...MnM is free. <3
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
8:56pm
Valentine's Day. Bah. Humbug.
I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to celebrate this overly commercialized holiday when I know that it shouldn't just take one day out of the year to tell someone that you love 'em. I know. And yet, I've always been that girl who'd melt over the just-perfect card and get giddy over handpicked flowers.
I woke up feeling like shit. The night before, the exhaustion of parent-teacher conferences, my recent field trip, and the ever-so-boring teacher in-service hit me like a ton of bricks. My body was achy, my throat was sore, my head was throbbing, and my eyes just wanted to close. At 7pm-ish, I decided to take some Nyquil and call it a night. After 13 hours of sleep, you'd think it would've done me some good. Nada. I felt worse this morning, but I really didn't want to stay in bed all day. I forced myself to drive to Mickey D's for my morning coffee and I actually felt a little bit better.
It being V-Day, I knew that I wasn't up for any kind of company. I'm just not in the mood, surely ya'll can understand, right? It's funny 'cuz there are these 2 comments on my recent post and I have no idea who they are from. But the gist of their message was to "get over it" and "move on." Wise words and good intentions....but don't you think I'm trying?
Apparently not hard enough.
I've been a total couch potato today...either I was in front of the tv catching all of the lovey dovey Valentine flicks OR I was online updating my facebook. NOT as pathetic as it sounds...really. If you really should know, here is what I accomplished today.
1) I updated my MySpace account...took down the picture/slideshow of the Music Maestro and myself.
2) I updated this blog by removing the picture of us from Catalina Island.
3) I updated my facebook album cover so it wouldn't be him and me anymore.
It may seem so insignificant, but these were really huge steps for me. It took me a while to actually delete/remove them...and as for facebook, I didn't have the heart to completely erase them. It's a step in the right direction...not a question here, but a statement.
I DID have my giddy moment today...this, I must share. There's no shame in admitting that I've been looking online AGAIN...'cuz it's better than just moping around and boring my friends to death about the same old shit. (I am grateful that ya'll lend an ear, though...really!)
So I "met" this guy...lol. My friend Helene always laughs when I start my sentences like this. "Met" as in via email and actual phone call. No meeting in person because he's halfway across the country in Texas. Yessir...Texas. In a nutshell, he seems like a normal, decent guy. He's a college professor (and just to make sure, I even googled him...and there he was!). Anyways...he sent me flowers! It really wasn't a surprise that he sent them...'cuz he DID ask for my address...but the surprise was in the fact they came on time AND the arrangement was very beautiful- 4 red roses, 4 pink roses, and 4 yellow roses. I mean, he didn't have to...but he did. And it was really sweet of him...It definitely put a smile on my face and it did make me feel giddy. It was nice to have that warm fuzzy feeling inside again.
The rest of the day went on...more tv, more movies, more facebook...I swear, I was doing oh so well...until 8:56pm. It's not a magical or significant time; rather, I just happen to look at my watch when I was reaching for the tissue.
I went the entire day NOT really thinking about him...yet, a part of me HOPED that there would've been something in the mail from him. A part of me HOPED that I'd get an email or a text. Did you know that I had bought him a Valentine's Day right after New Year's? I was at Target (like that's a big surprise...) and V-Day cards just came out. I was walking by the display when one caught my attention. It was a cat maestro conducting...and it had all of the musical tempos- andante, fortissimo, pianissimo, pizzicato, adagio...it was the perfect card! Naturally, I bought it for him. Egads...there's actually quite a few cards that I've bought with the intention of giving them to him eventually. Not anymore! Ha. But my point is, there's so much that I equate with him...there's so many things that remind me of him...it's all around me and it drives me nuts! So when people (with good intentions) tell me to "just get over it" and "move on," I can't. It's easier said than done. And maybe if you truly understood how hard I fell for him, then you'd know just how hard it is to move on...
But I deleted his pictures today...again, a small step in the eyes of many; a huge step for My. Lol...sorry, that sounded so cheesy. As I deleted them, I felt my heart break a little bit and that's what triggered the tears. Then I got mad...mad that I allowed myself to cry over him today of all days.
I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I doubt it. He would've called if he wanted to.
"He's just not that into you, My."
Okay, okay...I hear ya'...and because he didn't call or contact me, I vow to try harder...starting today.
Valentine's Day. Bah. Humbug.
I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to celebrate this overly commercialized holiday when I know that it shouldn't just take one day out of the year to tell someone that you love 'em. I know. And yet, I've always been that girl who'd melt over the just-perfect card and get giddy over handpicked flowers.
I woke up feeling like shit. The night before, the exhaustion of parent-teacher conferences, my recent field trip, and the ever-so-boring teacher in-service hit me like a ton of bricks. My body was achy, my throat was sore, my head was throbbing, and my eyes just wanted to close. At 7pm-ish, I decided to take some Nyquil and call it a night. After 13 hours of sleep, you'd think it would've done me some good. Nada. I felt worse this morning, but I really didn't want to stay in bed all day. I forced myself to drive to Mickey D's for my morning coffee and I actually felt a little bit better.
It being V-Day, I knew that I wasn't up for any kind of company. I'm just not in the mood, surely ya'll can understand, right? It's funny 'cuz there are these 2 comments on my recent post and I have no idea who they are from. But the gist of their message was to "get over it" and "move on." Wise words and good intentions....but don't you think I'm trying?
Apparently not hard enough.
I've been a total couch potato today...either I was in front of the tv catching all of the lovey dovey Valentine flicks OR I was online updating my facebook. NOT as pathetic as it sounds...really. If you really should know, here is what I accomplished today.
1) I updated my MySpace account...took down the picture/slideshow of the Music Maestro and myself.
2) I updated this blog by removing the picture of us from Catalina Island.
3) I updated my facebook album cover so it wouldn't be him and me anymore.
It may seem so insignificant, but these were really huge steps for me. It took me a while to actually delete/remove them...and as for facebook, I didn't have the heart to completely erase them. It's a step in the right direction...not a question here, but a statement.
I DID have my giddy moment today...this, I must share. There's no shame in admitting that I've been looking online AGAIN...'cuz it's better than just moping around and boring my friends to death about the same old shit. (I am grateful that ya'll lend an ear, though...really!)
So I "met" this guy...lol. My friend Helene always laughs when I start my sentences like this. "Met" as in via email and actual phone call. No meeting in person because he's halfway across the country in Texas. Yessir...Texas. In a nutshell, he seems like a normal, decent guy. He's a college professor (and just to make sure, I even googled him...and there he was!). Anyways...he sent me flowers! It really wasn't a surprise that he sent them...'cuz he DID ask for my address...but the surprise was in the fact they came on time AND the arrangement was very beautiful- 4 red roses, 4 pink roses, and 4 yellow roses. I mean, he didn't have to...but he did. And it was really sweet of him...It definitely put a smile on my face and it did make me feel giddy. It was nice to have that warm fuzzy feeling inside again.
The rest of the day went on...more tv, more movies, more facebook...I swear, I was doing oh so well...until 8:56pm. It's not a magical or significant time; rather, I just happen to look at my watch when I was reaching for the tissue.
I went the entire day NOT really thinking about him...yet, a part of me HOPED that there would've been something in the mail from him. A part of me HOPED that I'd get an email or a text. Did you know that I had bought him a Valentine's Day right after New Year's? I was at Target (like that's a big surprise...) and V-Day cards just came out. I was walking by the display when one caught my attention. It was a cat maestro conducting...and it had all of the musical tempos- andante, fortissimo, pianissimo, pizzicato, adagio...it was the perfect card! Naturally, I bought it for him. Egads...there's actually quite a few cards that I've bought with the intention of giving them to him eventually. Not anymore! Ha. But my point is, there's so much that I equate with him...there's so many things that remind me of him...it's all around me and it drives me nuts! So when people (with good intentions) tell me to "just get over it" and "move on," I can't. It's easier said than done. And maybe if you truly understood how hard I fell for him, then you'd know just how hard it is to move on...
But I deleted his pictures today...again, a small step in the eyes of many; a huge step for My. Lol...sorry, that sounded so cheesy. As I deleted them, I felt my heart break a little bit and that's what triggered the tears. Then I got mad...mad that I allowed myself to cry over him today of all days.
I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I doubt it. He would've called if he wanted to.
"He's just not that into you, My."
Okay, okay...I hear ya'...and because he didn't call or contact me, I vow to try harder...starting today.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You
...were the first person that I thought of the minute my last conference was over. As I packed my belongings, I automatically reached for my cell to check if anyone had called. For some odd reason, I secretly hoped there'd be a message from you...but why would there be one?
...were the one that I wanted to call this week. This week has been HELL and aside from my friends at work, I wanted to share my frustrations with you. I longed to hear your sarcastic comments about everything and I wanted to feel that acknowledging sympathy that only another teacher could feel. I wanted to ask your opinion on things, but I prided myself in the fact that not once did I call or text you. Why would I?
...were the one that I thought of as I sat in traffic. Driving south towards the Peninsula wasn't as bad as the congested traffic going north. I realized that today was Wednesday and had things been different, you would've been in your truck heading up my way in that very same traffic.
There are days when I miss you like crazy. It sounds pathetic, but sometimes I re-read some of your texts that I saved. It's eerie how one lil' text can bring the exact moment and situation to mind. Then, there are days when I have a "screw you" mentality. Eventually, I try and go about my day as if it's any other day....and then it feels as if we never went out in the first place. I get my "Twilight" moment of when Edward left Bella and says that it will be "as if he never existed." I can't quite put your pictures away and most of all, I continue to wear the pendant you gave me for Christmas.
With February being February, it's been an overall HELLish month. My body has automatically reacted and the result is pure discomfort and indescribably aches.
I'm told to just forget you...but I can't...yet. Honestly? I don't want to.
...were the first person that I thought of the minute my last conference was over. As I packed my belongings, I automatically reached for my cell to check if anyone had called. For some odd reason, I secretly hoped there'd be a message from you...but why would there be one?
...were the one that I wanted to call this week. This week has been HELL and aside from my friends at work, I wanted to share my frustrations with you. I longed to hear your sarcastic comments about everything and I wanted to feel that acknowledging sympathy that only another teacher could feel. I wanted to ask your opinion on things, but I prided myself in the fact that not once did I call or text you. Why would I?
...were the one that I thought of as I sat in traffic. Driving south towards the Peninsula wasn't as bad as the congested traffic going north. I realized that today was Wednesday and had things been different, you would've been in your truck heading up my way in that very same traffic.
There are days when I miss you like crazy. It sounds pathetic, but sometimes I re-read some of your texts that I saved. It's eerie how one lil' text can bring the exact moment and situation to mind. Then, there are days when I have a "screw you" mentality. Eventually, I try and go about my day as if it's any other day....and then it feels as if we never went out in the first place. I get my "Twilight" moment of when Edward left Bella and says that it will be "as if he never existed." I can't quite put your pictures away and most of all, I continue to wear the pendant you gave me for Christmas.
With February being February, it's been an overall HELLish month. My body has automatically reacted and the result is pure discomfort and indescribably aches.
I'm told to just forget you...but I can't...yet. Honestly? I don't want to.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Can't I...
...have the whole package?
I stayed home from work today. I had asked for the day off previously in order to recover from the Kaiser Half Marathon I was supposedly to have run yesterday. As it turns out, my knees and my lower back have been acting up...there would've been no way that I would've finished the run without seriously injuring myself. I thought I was cool, going for simple runs here and there, but with all of the personal drama that is the soap opera of my life, I was not mentally prepared. And you know what they say...it's usually 90% mental and 10% physical. Or something like that. Either way, the whole Music Maestro thing put me outta whack and my marathon prep went out the door. Dammit...I was pretty bummed and disappointed that I didn't participate, but I know that there will be other ones soon to come.
Anyways, I caught an episode of Gilmore Girls this morning. How I love reruns of this show...nevermind that I have most of the seasons on DVD- lol! Anyways, for those who aren't fans, it basically centers around a mother-daughter relationship...the ups and downs of their lives...the struggles of being a single mom...etc. The mom had the daughter at 16 years old, never married the father, but was still able to raise a great kid all on her own. In this particular episode, the mom and dad seemed to be getting back together. It's been years and while they've maintained contact for the sake of the kid, they had led separate lives until now. They talked about being a family...being together as they should have been...talking about making up the years they lost, etc. Just when you think a happy ending is close at hand, the inevitable happens. Turns out dad's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is pregnant...and wanting to do the right thing, he decides to stay with her and forego his plans of reuniting with his daughter's mother.
It's heartbreaking...because all this time, you're rooting for Lorelei, the mom. You WANT her to be happy because she's definitely had her share of heartbreak. She's always wanted that family unit, even though she was content that it was her and her daughter for so long.
In the end, she's sad and crying. She laments her situation. Yes, she IS lucky to have her daughter. Yes, she IS thankful for her home and job. Yes, she IS grateful for wonderful friends who support and love her no matter what. Yet, there's something that's missing that makes her feel incomplete. She wants the WHOLE package.
I want the whole package, too.
There is so much that I have to be thankful for...and I truly am. I've been wonderfully blessed to be in the situation that I am. Yes, I've gone through my own hardships and continue to work my way from the bottom up...but there's something missing. Not that I'm saying that I NEED someone to complete me...it would just be nice.
Ya'll have heard me say (over and over again...) that I thought the Music Maestro was the one for me. I still do in some ways, but I can't allow myself to brood over him (as much as I already have...). Aside from the obvious romantic relationship that I had with him, the one thing that I truly miss...is his companionship.
I miss talking and hanging out. I miss watching tv with him and I miss sitting next to him on the couch with the dog at our feet. I miss setting the table as he prepared dinner and I miss watching him drink from his wine glass as he cooked away. I miss taking walks with him to Starbucks or just even to take the dog out. I miss riding in his car...and even though I wasn't a fan, I even miss listening to Howard Stern. I miss the times when he'd put on regular music and he's try to groove with the beat...keyword is try- lol. I miss everything about him...
It sounds pathetic, I know...but I miss the friendship the most. I'm going through withdrawals because I have so much damn time on my hands....which is why I did the unthinkable...
I started browsing online again- LOL. Egads. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but honestly, I'm not ready for it. I am craving the attention that he used to give me, but woe to the dude that comes after him! Poor guy won't have a chance. Without intentionally doing so, I KNOW that I'm looking for the Music Maestro again. And at this point, no one can compare. This SO sucks.
So through this entire rant and rave, I still find myself bummed. I forgot how hard breakups can be. Just like in Gilmore Girls, I am good...I'm thankful for all that I have...but what's wrong with wanting the whole package? Nothing, right? People tell me it'll happen when it happens...in due time...just be patient...blah blah blah.
I know...it's just not easy is all I'm saying.
...have the whole package?
I stayed home from work today. I had asked for the day off previously in order to recover from the Kaiser Half Marathon I was supposedly to have run yesterday. As it turns out, my knees and my lower back have been acting up...there would've been no way that I would've finished the run without seriously injuring myself. I thought I was cool, going for simple runs here and there, but with all of the personal drama that is the soap opera of my life, I was not mentally prepared. And you know what they say...it's usually 90% mental and 10% physical. Or something like that. Either way, the whole Music Maestro thing put me outta whack and my marathon prep went out the door. Dammit...I was pretty bummed and disappointed that I didn't participate, but I know that there will be other ones soon to come.
Anyways, I caught an episode of Gilmore Girls this morning. How I love reruns of this show...nevermind that I have most of the seasons on DVD- lol! Anyways, for those who aren't fans, it basically centers around a mother-daughter relationship...the ups and downs of their lives...the struggles of being a single mom...etc. The mom had the daughter at 16 years old, never married the father, but was still able to raise a great kid all on her own. In this particular episode, the mom and dad seemed to be getting back together. It's been years and while they've maintained contact for the sake of the kid, they had led separate lives until now. They talked about being a family...being together as they should have been...talking about making up the years they lost, etc. Just when you think a happy ending is close at hand, the inevitable happens. Turns out dad's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is pregnant...and wanting to do the right thing, he decides to stay with her and forego his plans of reuniting with his daughter's mother.
It's heartbreaking...because all this time, you're rooting for Lorelei, the mom. You WANT her to be happy because she's definitely had her share of heartbreak. She's always wanted that family unit, even though she was content that it was her and her daughter for so long.
In the end, she's sad and crying. She laments her situation. Yes, she IS lucky to have her daughter. Yes, she IS thankful for her home and job. Yes, she IS grateful for wonderful friends who support and love her no matter what. Yet, there's something that's missing that makes her feel incomplete. She wants the WHOLE package.
I want the whole package, too.
There is so much that I have to be thankful for...and I truly am. I've been wonderfully blessed to be in the situation that I am. Yes, I've gone through my own hardships and continue to work my way from the bottom up...but there's something missing. Not that I'm saying that I NEED someone to complete me...it would just be nice.
Ya'll have heard me say (over and over again...) that I thought the Music Maestro was the one for me. I still do in some ways, but I can't allow myself to brood over him (as much as I already have...). Aside from the obvious romantic relationship that I had with him, the one thing that I truly miss...is his companionship.
I miss talking and hanging out. I miss watching tv with him and I miss sitting next to him on the couch with the dog at our feet. I miss setting the table as he prepared dinner and I miss watching him drink from his wine glass as he cooked away. I miss taking walks with him to Starbucks or just even to take the dog out. I miss riding in his car...and even though I wasn't a fan, I even miss listening to Howard Stern. I miss the times when he'd put on regular music and he's try to groove with the beat...keyword is try- lol. I miss everything about him...
It sounds pathetic, I know...but I miss the friendship the most. I'm going through withdrawals because I have so much damn time on my hands....which is why I did the unthinkable...
I started browsing online again- LOL. Egads. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but honestly, I'm not ready for it. I am craving the attention that he used to give me, but woe to the dude that comes after him! Poor guy won't have a chance. Without intentionally doing so, I KNOW that I'm looking for the Music Maestro again. And at this point, no one can compare. This SO sucks.
So through this entire rant and rave, I still find myself bummed. I forgot how hard breakups can be. Just like in Gilmore Girls, I am good...I'm thankful for all that I have...but what's wrong with wanting the whole package? Nothing, right? People tell me it'll happen when it happens...in due time...just be patient...blah blah blah.
I know...it's just not easy is all I'm saying.
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