Less Than Four...
Fast forward four months and the date is June 20th. By that time, the school year will have ended and hopefully, all of my lil' rugrats will have advanced to the next grade level. In four months, many of my kids will either be in summer school or on some long-awaited vacation.
Where will I be?
I've actually been thinking ahead to what summer holds for me. Many are envious of the long summer break that I have and while yes, it IS a perk, it's not all fun and games. Not many consider all of the prep work that goes into the next school year. There are lessons to revise, papers to gather and xerox, papers to file, research to do, a room to reorganize, and the list goes on. As a teacher, my work is never done! Even when I'm on vacation, I see something that can be used in the classroom. When I'm at the bookstore, I browse the children's section to see what would be great additions to my library. I go to the beach to relax and I see shells, sand dollars, and rocks that I just need to take a picture of to take back to my classroom. Anywhere I go, there will ALWAYS be an opportunity for something school-related that will make my mind work a million times a second to see how I could incorporate it into my class curriculum. It never stops.
BUT...when the last day of school is done and over with, I DO allow myself to just veg. Chill. Relax. Chillax, if you will.
I am looking forward to this summer for many reasons. One, I have been eager to get back into running. With my current commute into da city, I simply don't have the time to go out for a run. I've been slowing down, but I refuse to fall back into anything considered unhealthy. Second, I've got it in my mind that I'm going to teach myself the guitar. I've had a guitar for years and I know a few chords here and there. But, I'm serious about this and I'm determined. I would LOVE to bring my guitar to school, bust it out, and have a lil' sing-a-long with my class- how awesome would that be?! In fact, for my upcoming birthday, I'm going to splurge and buy myself a brand new acoustic. This time, I will do my research and find one that is just the right size. By the end of the summer, I'll be that strummin' fool! Third, I will be in my new apartment...one that I will be sharing with my Sweets. This has been a long time coming, although the journey thus far has been rocky. It seems like we haven't had a break in much, but if I look ahead four months, I can already see the beginning of something great...not only in our relationship, but just in life in general. Living with da family has been great- the only downfall is the distance. Hanging out with the kiddies is always a treat and having my daily night conversations with my sis is always what I need. It sure beats talking to her on the phone! I will definitely miss all of this when the time comes to move forward (and out!), but it's time to get my life started.
It's funny...getting my life started. I'm going to be 36 years old, for crying out loud! But life has been life...and dealing with what life has thrown me so far hasn't been easy. God and time has been the ultimate healer- I've said that once before- and it's true. All the experiences that I've encountered, good and bad, have continued to shape me into who I am today. And as we journey on the path that God presents to us, we are either ready to face it or not. When we're not ready, there are lessons to be learned that help us to be ready the next time around.
Our life is like a book- one story with many chapters. Sometimes, it feels like we are living one hell of a chapter, but then, it comes to an end. I wouldn't know what genre to categorize my book. Adventure? Fantasy? Horror? Tragedy? LOL...whatever it'd be, I smell a #1 bookseller that Oprah will love! I guess I would say that it's a combination of many things. I'd like to think that I could look back on my 36 years and say, "Wow...I've done a lot!"
I'm looking forward to having my SECOND life started...with my Sweets. Life after divorce seemed impossible for a long time. I honestly thought that I was living THE Ally McBeal life- one that would be lived all by my lonesome. I almost accepted that I would never find love again. But I was wrong...thank God! In essence, everything had to happen the way it did- getting married, moving to Minnesota, being/feeling alone, accepting Christ, finding strength to leave, moving back to California, getting married (again, but for real this time!), getting a divorce, dealing with divorce, being in debt, being jobless, finding a job, moving out, dating online, dating guys who've come and gone, being alone AGAIN.
And when life seemed like a repeat episode from Ally McBeal, I got a friend request on Facebook...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Disappointment
Life is full of them. It's something that we experience in order to learn; it's what makes us stronger in the end. One can't help but feel down and discouraged when faced with disappointment- it's all synonymous. I have to admit, when I am truly disappointed, instant tears well up in my eyes. It's not full out sobbing or anything close to that, but rather, it's like an instant physiological response of having your hopes dashed. Sounds much more dramatic than it really is. Other times, my inner sailor comes out and I curse up a storm. Doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better. Sorta.
I've definitely had my share of disappointment, but that alone doesn't make me stand out from everyone else. Who am I to say that my experiences have been the most disappointing? I don't care who you are, but no matter how bad you think your life is, there is ALWAYS someone who is going through something worse.
Take my marriage, for example. Things got bad and even though I tried my best to save it, it ended in divorce. Besides acquiring a shitload of debt, coming back to CA penniless, and losing all of my possessions, it could've been worse. Some said that it was a good thing that I never had a child with him. Yes, I could see how that would've made it worse. In fact, I've told many people that had I been a mom, I would've seriously reconsidered ever leaving him in the first place.
But through all of that, I'm so very thankful. Thankful that it wasn't as bad as I thought. You always hear stories of women who are abused and don't leave their marriage out of fear. THANK GOD that was not me! The ex-hubby is many things, but he was NEVER physically abusive. Later on, I would learn that when I first moved to Minnesota, my parents feared for my safety. In 2003, the Laci Peterson case was the big news and in many ways, they thought I would fall into the same situation. In all honesty, I never feared the ex like that. I somehow knew that he would rather do something to himself before me, but again, I'm grateful that I didn't need to worry about either.
Things were bad...but it's not as worse as it seems.
When disappointment comes our way, it sucks. We need to take it like a grain of salt and just move on. We shouldn't allow it to get us so down that hope seems impossible. Sure, give it time to sink in...cry, wallow, sulk, do whatever it is that you feel, but certainly after all of that is over, move forward. It's the only thing we CAN do. Life is full of disappointments. We will be knocked down over and over again, but we need to get back up on our feet and try again. I hear Aaliyah's song in my mind, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try it again."
It's sound advice. It's easier said than done. But ultimately, I like to look at it from another perspective.
God allows things to happen all the time, everytime. He has already mapped out our life from the smallest details to the biggest. God knows all of our disappointments because He allowed them to occur. He knew that He had to make big things in our life go down in order for us to learn a lesson. With those lessons, we are able to move forward in the way that He wants. It's all part of His bigger plan for us. When we are wanting something so bad and we don't get it, it's because God didn't think it was best at the time. So whatever our disappointments we've had, you can either say that it was absence of luck...or that God was just watching out.
**Sam, it's been three years...I still miss you. Hope you're enjoying Heaven and that you're continuing to watch over us. RIP.
Life is full of them. It's something that we experience in order to learn; it's what makes us stronger in the end. One can't help but feel down and discouraged when faced with disappointment- it's all synonymous. I have to admit, when I am truly disappointed, instant tears well up in my eyes. It's not full out sobbing or anything close to that, but rather, it's like an instant physiological response of having your hopes dashed. Sounds much more dramatic than it really is. Other times, my inner sailor comes out and I curse up a storm. Doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better. Sorta.
I've definitely had my share of disappointment, but that alone doesn't make me stand out from everyone else. Who am I to say that my experiences have been the most disappointing? I don't care who you are, but no matter how bad you think your life is, there is ALWAYS someone who is going through something worse.
Take my marriage, for example. Things got bad and even though I tried my best to save it, it ended in divorce. Besides acquiring a shitload of debt, coming back to CA penniless, and losing all of my possessions, it could've been worse. Some said that it was a good thing that I never had a child with him. Yes, I could see how that would've made it worse. In fact, I've told many people that had I been a mom, I would've seriously reconsidered ever leaving him in the first place.
But through all of that, I'm so very thankful. Thankful that it wasn't as bad as I thought. You always hear stories of women who are abused and don't leave their marriage out of fear. THANK GOD that was not me! The ex-hubby is many things, but he was NEVER physically abusive. Later on, I would learn that when I first moved to Minnesota, my parents feared for my safety. In 2003, the Laci Peterson case was the big news and in many ways, they thought I would fall into the same situation. In all honesty, I never feared the ex like that. I somehow knew that he would rather do something to himself before me, but again, I'm grateful that I didn't need to worry about either.
Things were bad...but it's not as worse as it seems.
When disappointment comes our way, it sucks. We need to take it like a grain of salt and just move on. We shouldn't allow it to get us so down that hope seems impossible. Sure, give it time to sink in...cry, wallow, sulk, do whatever it is that you feel, but certainly after all of that is over, move forward. It's the only thing we CAN do. Life is full of disappointments. We will be knocked down over and over again, but we need to get back up on our feet and try again. I hear Aaliyah's song in my mind, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try it again."
It's sound advice. It's easier said than done. But ultimately, I like to look at it from another perspective.
God allows things to happen all the time, everytime. He has already mapped out our life from the smallest details to the biggest. God knows all of our disappointments because He allowed them to occur. He knew that He had to make big things in our life go down in order for us to learn a lesson. With those lessons, we are able to move forward in the way that He wants. It's all part of His bigger plan for us. When we are wanting something so bad and we don't get it, it's because God didn't think it was best at the time. So whatever our disappointments we've had, you can either say that it was absence of luck...or that God was just watching out.
**Sam, it's been three years...I still miss you. Hope you're enjoying Heaven and that you're continuing to watch over us. RIP.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CrazyLove
I've been trying to read this book by Francis Chen for some time now. I actually can't believe that it's taking me so long to finish it considering that it's only ten chapters long. It's not one of those "read-in-one-sitting" kind of books nor is it something I need to rush through. This book requires a lot of reflection and self-evaluation and I want to make sure that I allot the due time needed for it to do its work in me.
It's been a tough read. It's not the choice of vocabulary that goes over my head that makes it tough; it's more the content that challenges my thinking and forces me to face up to the truth of my convictions...or lack thereof.
This book points out that many Christians become too comfortable in their spiritual journey. While everyone's walk with God will be unique to each individual, do we settle into "saying," rather than "doing?" Many will choose that they are, indeed, a doer...but then the question becomes "How are you in the doing?" Do we follow Christ's footsteps wholeheartedly with passion and conviction? Or do we grudgingly follow half-heartedly? Are we focused on Him or do we get distracted along the way? Do we "do" simply because it's expected of us as Christians or do we "do" because we choose to and desire to?
There are countless passages in the Bible that tell us of God's love. In fact, the word "love" is mentioned 697 times in the Bible. That's a lotta love! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." Whenever I read or hear that verse, it all just blows me away. We are not meant to truly comprehend the almighty power of God, but to know that He loved US so much that He sent his own son to die for OUR sins? That Jesus died for ME? ME?! I mean, who am I?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
We are taught to substitute each "love" with the word, "Jesus." Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind...Jesus never fails.
THAT blows me away 100x over.
Here is this God,our God, who does SO MUCH for us, for me. He gave us his ONLY son so that he could die a gruesome death to pay for my sins.
What do I give him...or rather, what SHOULD I be giving?
The answer: OUR BEST.
But in actuality, we don't. We get distracted by everyday life and what we end up giving is anything but mediocre. God deserves so much more than that, but we all easily forget. Time and time again, we WILL forget. But there's hope...c'mon ya'll, there's ALWAYS hope!
In order for us to give our very best, we must make changes to our current life. Seven years ago, I made a HUGE change in my life by accepting Christ to be my Lord and Savior. My life was in the shithole and I knew deep in my gut that I couldn't survive it on my own. I had reached rock-bottom and I was stuck. The good news was that when you're as down as you can ever get, the only way you can go is UP! But you have to make that decision to do so AND you have to ask for help to get outta there.
But it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. After you make that decision to make your life better, it's a work-in-progress FOREVER! It's one of those things that you have to constantly work at and continually seek guidance for.
Again, how easily we forget...how easily I forget.
My life HAS been different, but I still stumble and fall. While I do seek Him, I tend to rely on my own ways more. While I do trust Him, I can't seem to see the bigger picture until it's too late. While I have given my life to Him, I know that something pulls me back from surrendering to him completely.
This comedian once said, "It's way too hard to follow Jesus, I think I'll just go to hell."
Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy. It IS hard...but not impossible. Francis Chen gives this great illustration of living a Christian life: Imagine a never-ending escalator. Everyone takes a spot on the escalator and enjoys the ride down. But following Jesus is going UP while everyone is going down. You may piss some people off as you're going the opposite direction on the escalator because you're bumping into them or disturbing their ride, but following Jesus requires work. Work to climb up those stairs, work to be like him. Many of us do this, but there's a time when we get tired of climbing and of getting the nasty stares from other people...so we stop, turn around, and ride like everyone else. It's a choice...ride down or climb up.
I know that I haven't been giving God my ultimate best and I want to change that. There are so many things on my mind and an endless to-do list to complete, but these are poor excuses. I need to take a step from my supposedly busy life and acknowledge Him and what's He's done. God's love for us is mad crazy- indescribable, imcomprehensible, so over our heads- but He deserves nothing but our very best. I just hope that my love for Him can be as crazy as His love for me is.
I've been trying to read this book by Francis Chen for some time now. I actually can't believe that it's taking me so long to finish it considering that it's only ten chapters long. It's not one of those "read-in-one-sitting" kind of books nor is it something I need to rush through. This book requires a lot of reflection and self-evaluation and I want to make sure that I allot the due time needed for it to do its work in me.
It's been a tough read. It's not the choice of vocabulary that goes over my head that makes it tough; it's more the content that challenges my thinking and forces me to face up to the truth of my convictions...or lack thereof.
This book points out that many Christians become too comfortable in their spiritual journey. While everyone's walk with God will be unique to each individual, do we settle into "saying," rather than "doing?" Many will choose that they are, indeed, a doer...but then the question becomes "How are you in the doing?" Do we follow Christ's footsteps wholeheartedly with passion and conviction? Or do we grudgingly follow half-heartedly? Are we focused on Him or do we get distracted along the way? Do we "do" simply because it's expected of us as Christians or do we "do" because we choose to and desire to?
There are countless passages in the Bible that tell us of God's love. In fact, the word "love" is mentioned 697 times in the Bible. That's a lotta love! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." Whenever I read or hear that verse, it all just blows me away. We are not meant to truly comprehend the almighty power of God, but to know that He loved US so much that He sent his own son to die for OUR sins? That Jesus died for ME? ME?! I mean, who am I?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
We are taught to substitute each "love" with the word, "Jesus." Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind...Jesus never fails.
THAT blows me away 100x over.
Here is this God,our God, who does SO MUCH for us, for me. He gave us his ONLY son so that he could die a gruesome death to pay for my sins.
What do I give him...or rather, what SHOULD I be giving?
The answer: OUR BEST.
But in actuality, we don't. We get distracted by everyday life and what we end up giving is anything but mediocre. God deserves so much more than that, but we all easily forget. Time and time again, we WILL forget. But there's hope...c'mon ya'll, there's ALWAYS hope!
In order for us to give our very best, we must make changes to our current life. Seven years ago, I made a HUGE change in my life by accepting Christ to be my Lord and Savior. My life was in the shithole and I knew deep in my gut that I couldn't survive it on my own. I had reached rock-bottom and I was stuck. The good news was that when you're as down as you can ever get, the only way you can go is UP! But you have to make that decision to do so AND you have to ask for help to get outta there.
But it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. After you make that decision to make your life better, it's a work-in-progress FOREVER! It's one of those things that you have to constantly work at and continually seek guidance for.
Again, how easily we forget...how easily I forget.
My life HAS been different, but I still stumble and fall. While I do seek Him, I tend to rely on my own ways more. While I do trust Him, I can't seem to see the bigger picture until it's too late. While I have given my life to Him, I know that something pulls me back from surrendering to him completely.
This comedian once said, "It's way too hard to follow Jesus, I think I'll just go to hell."
Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy. It IS hard...but not impossible. Francis Chen gives this great illustration of living a Christian life: Imagine a never-ending escalator. Everyone takes a spot on the escalator and enjoys the ride down. But following Jesus is going UP while everyone is going down. You may piss some people off as you're going the opposite direction on the escalator because you're bumping into them or disturbing their ride, but following Jesus requires work. Work to climb up those stairs, work to be like him. Many of us do this, but there's a time when we get tired of climbing and of getting the nasty stares from other people...so we stop, turn around, and ride like everyone else. It's a choice...ride down or climb up.
I know that I haven't been giving God my ultimate best and I want to change that. There are so many things on my mind and an endless to-do list to complete, but these are poor excuses. I need to take a step from my supposedly busy life and acknowledge Him and what's He's done. God's love for us is mad crazy- indescribable, imcomprehensible, so over our heads- but He deserves nothing but our very best. I just hope that my love for Him can be as crazy as His love for me is.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Days Off Rock
I LOVE days off of work...who doesn't? Today is President's Day. It's already 1pm and I haven't really done much. So far, I had a late breakfast with da fam after sleeping in. That's about it.
At this point in the year, it's safe to assume that for most teachers, we live for these lil' holidays. Us teachers enjoy the lil' perks, you know. My school had last Friday off for Chinese New Year! Sweet, yah? It's been a productive past few days. We got to hang out with Sweet's family, got to watch "Valentine's Day" in the theaters on opening day, and even spent an evening watching "500 Days of Summer" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" on dvd. I love those kind of days! Just hanging out with family and my sweets is all I really need.
I SHOULD be correcting papers. I've had FOUR days to organize my unending piles. It's embarrassing, really, to see how far behind I've gotten in my corrections. But in my defense, I've been really TIRED! I'll get to it today...eventually. Really. I will.
What AM I doing instead? Well, besides trying to get myself back into writing mode, my mind is completely distracted with other things...mainly, moving out!
Moving, in and of itself, is just a sucky process. BUT...if it means that my commute will be shorter, that I'll have more time to get back into running (just in time for the upcoming Bay to Breakers in May!), that I'll have more time to sleep at normal hours, and that I'll be with my sweets? Well shoot, it's all worth it! I'm excited and nervous at the same time...it's only a matter of a couple of days when I know for certain that things will be moving forward...sayin' my prayers...
As is my routine for Sunday evenings, I'll wait until the last minute to get started on my papers...work until the wee hours of the morning...lay my head down for what I believe will be 5 minutes...wake up to find that I've been out for TWO extra hours...head into murderous traffic that will make my commute way longer than it should...and be late for work. Ugh. Sounds awful!
Okay, okay...maybe I should start on my work now. Wish me luck.
I LOVE days off of work...who doesn't? Today is President's Day. It's already 1pm and I haven't really done much. So far, I had a late breakfast with da fam after sleeping in. That's about it.
At this point in the year, it's safe to assume that for most teachers, we live for these lil' holidays. Us teachers enjoy the lil' perks, you know. My school had last Friday off for Chinese New Year! Sweet, yah? It's been a productive past few days. We got to hang out with Sweet's family, got to watch "Valentine's Day" in the theaters on opening day, and even spent an evening watching "500 Days of Summer" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" on dvd. I love those kind of days! Just hanging out with family and my sweets is all I really need.
I SHOULD be correcting papers. I've had FOUR days to organize my unending piles. It's embarrassing, really, to see how far behind I've gotten in my corrections. But in my defense, I've been really TIRED! I'll get to it today...eventually. Really. I will.
What AM I doing instead? Well, besides trying to get myself back into writing mode, my mind is completely distracted with other things...mainly, moving out!
Moving, in and of itself, is just a sucky process. BUT...if it means that my commute will be shorter, that I'll have more time to get back into running (just in time for the upcoming Bay to Breakers in May!), that I'll have more time to sleep at normal hours, and that I'll be with my sweets? Well shoot, it's all worth it! I'm excited and nervous at the same time...it's only a matter of a couple of days when I know for certain that things will be moving forward...sayin' my prayers...
As is my routine for Sunday evenings, I'll wait until the last minute to get started on my papers...work until the wee hours of the morning...lay my head down for what I believe will be 5 minutes...wake up to find that I've been out for TWO extra hours...head into murderous traffic that will make my commute way longer than it should...and be late for work. Ugh. Sounds awful!
Okay, okay...maybe I should start on my work now. Wish me luck.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
LUCKY 7
It's about time. It's been a long time coming. I've dreamed about this and yearned for it for years, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken each time. It's stupid, really, for me to want to celebrate Valentine's Day...something so overly commercialized where people are sucked in to believe that this is the day to tell the people we love how we feel. Shouldn't that be everyday? Of course! But sad to say, I'm still a sucker. A corny, hopeless romantic.
I actually don't recall the last real Valentine's Day that I celebrated. For sure, none while I was married stick out in my mind. Since 2003, this holiday got lost in the cracks and just became a regular, ordinary day. Then, there was that first Valentine's that I had after coming back from Minnesota...I ended up watching "Music and Lyrics" at the theaters all my lonesome. How pathetic was I?!
In 2009, I began the year with such high hopes. I thought, this MAY be the year that my "dry spell" of having a "black day" on Love Day would be over. I thought wrong. BUT...there was a lil' piece of sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds. I "met" this guy online... LOL! Not those stories again! On the real, he was this college professor from Texas. Nice guy, easy to talk to, and sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in time for Valentine's Day...and we've never even met! We talked for a few weeks, but with the time difference and our busy schedules, the interest dwindled. It was mutual. No hard feelings. Still, it was nice to know that someone thought about me that day.
2009 continued on. For a while, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was left with no other option but to start online dating again. I tried, but it got tired very quickly. Coffee dates came and went. I even saw this guy for a couple of months, although I wouldn't have labeled him as my boyfriend. Prior to him, I did have a steady relationship for about six months with a guy whom I though had lots of potential, but unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and it was time to move on.
All of these dates, all of the supposedly potential guys...all of them helped me to further get on with my life. Each and every time I put myself out there, I was becoming a more confident woman. I knew that I wouldn't be happy with just anyone and I respected myself enough now to find a guy who respected me in return as well.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2010. I spent a quiet evening with my guy. I've been with my sweets since July and it's been quite a ride thus far. No relationship is perfect and we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. But through breakups and makeups, we're still together. We continue to grow and learn about each other...and as it is leading, to a deeper level of commitment that we both have been searching for.
It took seven years- SEVEN YEARS- to finally enjoy and spend a Valentine's holiday with someone. I was beginning to think that love wasn't in my cards, but thankfully, I was proven wrong.
*Happy 1st Valentine's Day, Sweets...I love you.
It's about time. It's been a long time coming. I've dreamed about this and yearned for it for years, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken each time. It's stupid, really, for me to want to celebrate Valentine's Day...something so overly commercialized where people are sucked in to believe that this is the day to tell the people we love how we feel. Shouldn't that be everyday? Of course! But sad to say, I'm still a sucker. A corny, hopeless romantic.
I actually don't recall the last real Valentine's Day that I celebrated. For sure, none while I was married stick out in my mind. Since 2003, this holiday got lost in the cracks and just became a regular, ordinary day. Then, there was that first Valentine's that I had after coming back from Minnesota...I ended up watching "Music and Lyrics" at the theaters all my lonesome. How pathetic was I?!
In 2009, I began the year with such high hopes. I thought, this MAY be the year that my "dry spell" of having a "black day" on Love Day would be over. I thought wrong. BUT...there was a lil' piece of sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds. I "met" this guy online... LOL! Not those stories again! On the real, he was this college professor from Texas. Nice guy, easy to talk to, and sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in time for Valentine's Day...and we've never even met! We talked for a few weeks, but with the time difference and our busy schedules, the interest dwindled. It was mutual. No hard feelings. Still, it was nice to know that someone thought about me that day.
2009 continued on. For a while, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was left with no other option but to start online dating again. I tried, but it got tired very quickly. Coffee dates came and went. I even saw this guy for a couple of months, although I wouldn't have labeled him as my boyfriend. Prior to him, I did have a steady relationship for about six months with a guy whom I though had lots of potential, but unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and it was time to move on.
All of these dates, all of the supposedly potential guys...all of them helped me to further get on with my life. Each and every time I put myself out there, I was becoming a more confident woman. I knew that I wouldn't be happy with just anyone and I respected myself enough now to find a guy who respected me in return as well.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2010. I spent a quiet evening with my guy. I've been with my sweets since July and it's been quite a ride thus far. No relationship is perfect and we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. But through breakups and makeups, we're still together. We continue to grow and learn about each other...and as it is leading, to a deeper level of commitment that we both have been searching for.
It took seven years- SEVEN YEARS- to finally enjoy and spend a Valentine's holiday with someone. I was beginning to think that love wasn't in my cards, but thankfully, I was proven wrong.
*Happy 1st Valentine's Day, Sweets...I love you.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
It's February...2010
I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.
A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.
As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.
Simply...it's February.
Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.
It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.
Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.
What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.
Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..
It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.
I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.
You know what???
I AM TIRED.
Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???
When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.
He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.
Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.
The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.
He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.
I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.
I blame him for all of these things and much more.
Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.
So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.
Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...
I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.
A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.
As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.
Simply...it's February.
Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.
It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.
Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.
What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.
Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..
It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.
I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.
You know what???
I AM TIRED.
Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???
When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.
He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.
Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.
The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.
He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.
I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.
I blame him for all of these things and much more.
Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.
So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.
Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...
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