2008 and the Year It Was...
New Year's Eve 2008. Already?
Like everyone else and their mama, I've been reflecting on 2008 and the year that it was. I don't recall ever saying this, but it was a GREAT year! Perhaps the past SIX YEARS, (holy crap, am I reading that right?!) was spent being jaded that I never really took the time to see how truly screwed up life had gotten. There were one too many times when I seriously thought I was going mental because of the up and down cycle my life had taken. Six years. Wow.
When I think back on 2008, not everything was all sunshine and flowers...there was, of course, the death of my lolo. The end of school last year couldn't come fast enough and will, no doubt, go into my history book as "the worst school year ever." But despite the heartaches and headaches, there is still so much to be thankful for.
I had always believed that finding love (again) was not in my cards. I definitely had Ally McBeal syndrome. There was a time when I thought I had my chance, but I lost. Game over. I started dating...good Lord...and that, in itself, was an experience. I can't even tell you how many 1st dates I went on, but time and time again, it was the same old shit. Guys desperately looking for one thing and lil' ole me, looking for love. And that is why, after a year of torturing myself with "I wonder if he'll call me..." and "Does he really like me?", I decided to give up on the whole dating thing and call it quits. It was fun while it lasted (which wasn't very long...), but it just wasn't for me.
But, as fate would have it, I went on a date (vowing that it would be my last!). And what a pleasant surprise the Music Maestro was! I was captivated by those gorgeous dimples of his and I was even more taken by his wonderful personality. Falling in love with him was inevitable. He is what made my year...
Last year, I made a list of resolutions and I kept it on my desktop as a reminder. I had 12 things on that list! Highly motivated to have 12? Yah, I sure was! Although I didn't get to all 12, I did manage to complete 7 things. Among the 7 included doing another half marathon, reading and writing more, finding a home church, and finding love again.
I still need to work on my list for 2009, but I already have a good idea what will be on it.
My year comes to a bittersweet end...it is not how I would've dealt the cards, but then again, you make do with the hand dealt to you.
I've said this repeatedly, but I am a believer that all things happen for a reason...we may not understand the "whys" and the "how comes" at the moment, but things get set into motion because they are meant to. It's taken me a while to be patient and to try and understand that fact because while you're feeling like shit and just want to hide under a rock, the forces at work are putting other things into place. And it's when you least expect AND when God thinks it's the right time for it to be so, things happen. It's only after time has passed that we are able to look back and reflect...and we finally come to that understanding that we just couldn't see before.
I'm at that point where I'm asking, "Why God? Why now?" And the funny thing that I picture is God listening and hearing me, shaking His head and saying, "In due time, my child, in due time." The hurts we come across in life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Most times, they happen to make you into a stronger person. The pain helps to mold you for bigger and better things to come. Sometimes people just need to be so broken down that the only way they could go is UP. And when you look up, or when I do, I just want to see his face revealed to me. So one of my resolutions for this year (and thereafter) is to put more of my trust in God...it's not an easy thing, mind you, but that is the desire of my heart. I need to trust that whatever path God has led me to that I'm supposed to travel it for a reason. So many time, though, I just wish I had a map to help lead the way...
Maybe that's why God created music...the music speaks to people differently and the words inspire and touch us in unique ways. It always amazes me when I hear particular songs at particular times...as if God wanted me to hear it when I needed to. If I had the time, I'd list the lyrics to all the songs that have spoken to me recently, but this one speaks the loudest at the moment...
-------------------------------------------------------
Falling On My Knees
by Kokua
Here you'll find me on my knees and I'm broken, every part of me.
I am calling out, "Lord please, come save me. Come and rescue me."
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
Here I'm falling on my knees, overtaken by your majesty.
I am humbled by your grace, it surrounds me, overwhelms me.
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I need more of you, reveal yourself to me.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
--------------------------------------------------
I am hopeful for the new year. I've always tried to be the optimistic one. I have so many wishes to wish for people...we all have our own dramas, issues, and heartaches to face and deal with- we all need our time and space- and that time is needed to mold us into the individuals that we are MEANT to be.
*My wish for you is that God heals your heart and that you will finally find the comfort you need to move on...know that love and relationships aren't perfect, but that love IS possible again...understand that you are loved by family, friends, and me...and finally, that each day will make the pain hurt less.
A happy and safe 2009 to you...my ever faithful readers. ;-)
Much love always...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
My Roller Coaster Ride
I normally love roller coaster rides...the anticipation as you slowly creep up the track...that brief second as time seems to stand still when you reach the top and you're left teetering on the brink of going over the edge...and finally being thrown for a loop as you plunge through the g-forces and your stomach makes it way up your throat.
I've never been much of a screamer. For some odd reason, I have the nervous giggles instead. As my body is being thrown this way and that, as I experience a brief moment of no gravity, I find myself clutching the handle bars for dear life and laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps the laughing masks the manic hysteria and probably relieves the stress and fear the ride induces. Either way, it's a rush and a thrill that I most likely would repeat.
But when it comes to personal life situations, the roller coaster rides leave me dizzy, out of breath, and overly anxious. I'm usually left confused and oftentimes, nauseous. There is no comparison to the real rides and there's almost that fear that the ride will somehow continue endlessly, never stopping for you to get off. Having your emotions go through the motions, rising and falling without any control is nerve racking.
I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past month. But instead of a traditional up and down thrill ride, I find myself about to fall from blood-curling heights and from the top, the bottom has no end in sight. It's as if once I go over the edge, I'm just going to continue falling.
What sucks is that I've reached that point of no return, where I'm about to go over the edge, but I've changed my mind and would love to get off. But it is what it is and I find myself strapped and harnessed...there's really nothing no one can do for me because everything has already been set into motion. I'm trying to find the courage before the mighty plunge, but even the nervous giggles are absent and silenced.
I know that I just have to ride it out, but how big of a chicken would I be if I admitted my fear? 'Cuz in all honesty, I am scared...and when it's all over, I'm not so sure that I'll want to go for another ride for a long time...
I normally love roller coaster rides...the anticipation as you slowly creep up the track...that brief second as time seems to stand still when you reach the top and you're left teetering on the brink of going over the edge...and finally being thrown for a loop as you plunge through the g-forces and your stomach makes it way up your throat.
I've never been much of a screamer. For some odd reason, I have the nervous giggles instead. As my body is being thrown this way and that, as I experience a brief moment of no gravity, I find myself clutching the handle bars for dear life and laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps the laughing masks the manic hysteria and probably relieves the stress and fear the ride induces. Either way, it's a rush and a thrill that I most likely would repeat.
But when it comes to personal life situations, the roller coaster rides leave me dizzy, out of breath, and overly anxious. I'm usually left confused and oftentimes, nauseous. There is no comparison to the real rides and there's almost that fear that the ride will somehow continue endlessly, never stopping for you to get off. Having your emotions go through the motions, rising and falling without any control is nerve racking.
I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past month. But instead of a traditional up and down thrill ride, I find myself about to fall from blood-curling heights and from the top, the bottom has no end in sight. It's as if once I go over the edge, I'm just going to continue falling.
What sucks is that I've reached that point of no return, where I'm about to go over the edge, but I've changed my mind and would love to get off. But it is what it is and I find myself strapped and harnessed...there's really nothing no one can do for me because everything has already been set into motion. I'm trying to find the courage before the mighty plunge, but even the nervous giggles are absent and silenced.
I know that I just have to ride it out, but how big of a chicken would I be if I admitted my fear? 'Cuz in all honesty, I am scared...and when it's all over, I'm not so sure that I'll want to go for another ride for a long time...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I Thought About You...
*I almost didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I've been tired of being stuck at home in all of my sickness. Not quite cabin fever, but anywhere outside of my bedroom seemed appealing. The invite was to go into the city...specifically Union Square. Ugh. Honestly, I would've LOVED to go, but man oh man, how I detest driving IN the city! I was weighing the possibilities of going and debating if I should screw the holiday traffic and make a much needed getaway, and then, the option of meeting up and driving together came- hallelujah!
Union Square was pure madness. Last minute shoppers, rebel pedestrians, stupid ass drivers on their cell phones, and streets strewn with mendicants aplenty. Joy! But then, you get a glimpse of the tree at Union Square and the rush and panic of everything is all but forgotten. The tree was so beautiful! Lights on a tree always make me a giddy little kid and for a second, all I could do was stare. I almost wish I had a picture of that...me staring up at the tree! But what made it even more magical was the tiny ice skating rink adjacent to it. It's no New York Central Park, but to be centered among the huge department stores with their Christmas lights and decorations and with holiday music blaring from the speakers? Wow. The night was clear with no rain in sight and the cold temperature was bearable. Aside from marathon time, this was the busiest that I've seen Union Square in a while and although crowds were pressing, people bumping into you left and right, there was a certain magic in the air that night...and I felt it.
I thought about you...because this was the exact place where I wanted to take you. I wanted to walk hand in hand with you among the crowds, take a peek at the huge window displays, grab a cup of hot chocolate, take a picture in front of the tree, and even go ice skating. I thought about you because it was hard not to. Among the people on my list that I would've wanted there with me, you were at the top. But I had fun regardless. Your absence has left empty holes, but I'm slowly beginning to patch those up. I still would've loved to experience Union Square with you on that night...
*When I learned that your mom had passed, I was devastated. A part of me wanted to call you right then and there to see how you were holding up, but I knew that it wasn't my place. You didn't even call me to let me know, but that's okay. It was so great when we reconnected a few years back. It was a relief to put all of the drama behind us, but unfortunately it was short lived. I completely understand why things have to be as they are because priorities change as situations change. I just wanted you to know that I loved your mom very much and I just know that she's up there with your dad smiling down on you now.
*I took I-280 the other day because there was a terrible accident on the 101. I rarely take 280. It's not because I don't enjoy the scenic route- I do! In fact, on this particular drive, even though it was raining and the dark clouds loomed high above me, I found it quite picturesque. It would've made a great Kodak moment. If I'm traveling at night, I don't take 280 simply because I fear that my trusty lil' Honda will break down on me. My '97 Honda Civic has been good to me these past 11 years, but wouldn't it just be my luck that on the evening I decide to take 280 and it being at such a late hour that I'm returning home, there are NO cars on the road but me AND I break down? Nah uh, no thanks, I ain't taking any chances of that. It's already one thing that I'm a scaredy cat of dark places, but man, 280 is HELLA DARK! lol!
BUT, I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic and though it was raining, I took my chances. Thankfully, it wasn't that late and the roads were still full of last minute shoppers. Taking 280 reminded me of you and all I could do was laugh. The time that we spent together seems so insignificant now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a whirlwind. I've rarely thought of you until the other day and sometimes it'll come up in random passing conversations. All I could say is that it was interesting...but as I try and relate my "people come into your life for a reason" to this, I will say that after our meeting- I got to see a lot of beautiful places and from somewhere in there, my inspiration to try a marathon was born. So thank you for that!
*I went to the beach today and I couldn't help but think of you. As I stood by the steps, the rain began to fall. It was a light rain, nothing to deter me from taking a short walk, and all I had to do was pull my hood over my head. I love the smell after a rain because it makes everything seem so new and clean and I found myself taking in a few deep breaths. Everything was so still. There was rarely any wind- to me, it's always the wind that messes up the beauty of a rainfall. I was careful of all of the puddles that had formed earlier, but I couldn't help but stare at how the raindrops fell. It almost felt like an eternity, me standing there and staring at a puddle seeming to grow larger and larger with each drop of water. There weren't many people on the boardwalk and there were only a few cars parked...and here I was walking in the rain...wishing you were with me. It had the potential to be such a romantic moment.
*I'm guessing the weather called for a ditch day at work. The waters were strewn with so many surfers that the black wetsuits created this long line for as far as the eye could see. It's always neat to see so many, all vying for a wave that'll give them that rush they so love. There's always a few that stand out and when your eyes quickly adjust and focus on them, it's easy to follow them in their triumph or their wipeout. There were off-shore winds today and because of the recent storms, the waves were huge! I watched these surfers attempt the huge walls and I loved seeing perfect barrels form. For as long as I've come to the beach, I would always take the time to watch the surfers to their thing. I could sit and listen to the waves crash for hours on end, but then you gave me a lesson on wave watching, sets, white water, duck diving, and everything surfing related...and I saw the ocean with new eyes. I'll always think of you when it comes to surfing, no doubt. And in this season of Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you are well.
*I thought about you today...and I hoped against hope that you'd be there today...but you weren't. You have to know how disappointed I felt. I felt my heart break a little bit tonight. You were supposed to come and surprise me. You were supposed to show up at my door with this huge smile on my face telling me how happy you were to see me...but you didn't. Damn how I hate when my imagination runs away from me like that! Deep down, I knew that you wouldn't make it. It's been too much bombarding and I hate the fact that I've slipped way too many times. During service, my eyes couldn't help but search among the people standing in the back. Would you have come late? I became engrossed in the message that by the time service was over, my heart was ready to burst. I had to walk. I walked over the bridge, past the apartments, all the way down to the lagoon at the recreation center. I'm thinking that perhaps I should've been more cautious...walking in the dark of night on Christmas Eve, streets are empty except for a few passerbys. The parking lot was empty and I made my way to my trusty park bench under the light. It was so peaceful as I looked out on the water. Amid the black of night and unseen water is the lit up tree...just floating in the center of the lagoon. The noiseless night should've creeped me out, but it didn't. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to clear my head of all of the things running around in it. I was feeling so many things at the same time- happy, sad, joyful, lonely, confused, distracted, thankful, resigned, grateful, humbled...I was remembering the words of the pastor and repeating the message over and over in my head...and still, I was not completely comforted. And when that reality struck me, I felt selfish and upset with myself for feeling that way. I thought about what good would've came out of it if you came, besides my own obvious contentment...but I know that you would've come if you wanted. My heart broke a little bit tonight...you have to know that...but if I look at Him and gaze at Him MORE, if I have big faith, then I know that I will be comforted.
*I almost didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I've been tired of being stuck at home in all of my sickness. Not quite cabin fever, but anywhere outside of my bedroom seemed appealing. The invite was to go into the city...specifically Union Square. Ugh. Honestly, I would've LOVED to go, but man oh man, how I detest driving IN the city! I was weighing the possibilities of going and debating if I should screw the holiday traffic and make a much needed getaway, and then, the option of meeting up and driving together came- hallelujah!
Union Square was pure madness. Last minute shoppers, rebel pedestrians, stupid ass drivers on their cell phones, and streets strewn with mendicants aplenty. Joy! But then, you get a glimpse of the tree at Union Square and the rush and panic of everything is all but forgotten. The tree was so beautiful! Lights on a tree always make me a giddy little kid and for a second, all I could do was stare. I almost wish I had a picture of that...me staring up at the tree! But what made it even more magical was the tiny ice skating rink adjacent to it. It's no New York Central Park, but to be centered among the huge department stores with their Christmas lights and decorations and with holiday music blaring from the speakers? Wow. The night was clear with no rain in sight and the cold temperature was bearable. Aside from marathon time, this was the busiest that I've seen Union Square in a while and although crowds were pressing, people bumping into you left and right, there was a certain magic in the air that night...and I felt it.
I thought about you...because this was the exact place where I wanted to take you. I wanted to walk hand in hand with you among the crowds, take a peek at the huge window displays, grab a cup of hot chocolate, take a picture in front of the tree, and even go ice skating. I thought about you because it was hard not to. Among the people on my list that I would've wanted there with me, you were at the top. But I had fun regardless. Your absence has left empty holes, but I'm slowly beginning to patch those up. I still would've loved to experience Union Square with you on that night...
*When I learned that your mom had passed, I was devastated. A part of me wanted to call you right then and there to see how you were holding up, but I knew that it wasn't my place. You didn't even call me to let me know, but that's okay. It was so great when we reconnected a few years back. It was a relief to put all of the drama behind us, but unfortunately it was short lived. I completely understand why things have to be as they are because priorities change as situations change. I just wanted you to know that I loved your mom very much and I just know that she's up there with your dad smiling down on you now.
*I took I-280 the other day because there was a terrible accident on the 101. I rarely take 280. It's not because I don't enjoy the scenic route- I do! In fact, on this particular drive, even though it was raining and the dark clouds loomed high above me, I found it quite picturesque. It would've made a great Kodak moment. If I'm traveling at night, I don't take 280 simply because I fear that my trusty lil' Honda will break down on me. My '97 Honda Civic has been good to me these past 11 years, but wouldn't it just be my luck that on the evening I decide to take 280 and it being at such a late hour that I'm returning home, there are NO cars on the road but me AND I break down? Nah uh, no thanks, I ain't taking any chances of that. It's already one thing that I'm a scaredy cat of dark places, but man, 280 is HELLA DARK! lol!
BUT, I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic and though it was raining, I took my chances. Thankfully, it wasn't that late and the roads were still full of last minute shoppers. Taking 280 reminded me of you and all I could do was laugh. The time that we spent together seems so insignificant now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a whirlwind. I've rarely thought of you until the other day and sometimes it'll come up in random passing conversations. All I could say is that it was interesting...but as I try and relate my "people come into your life for a reason" to this, I will say that after our meeting- I got to see a lot of beautiful places and from somewhere in there, my inspiration to try a marathon was born. So thank you for that!
*I went to the beach today and I couldn't help but think of you. As I stood by the steps, the rain began to fall. It was a light rain, nothing to deter me from taking a short walk, and all I had to do was pull my hood over my head. I love the smell after a rain because it makes everything seem so new and clean and I found myself taking in a few deep breaths. Everything was so still. There was rarely any wind- to me, it's always the wind that messes up the beauty of a rainfall. I was careful of all of the puddles that had formed earlier, but I couldn't help but stare at how the raindrops fell. It almost felt like an eternity, me standing there and staring at a puddle seeming to grow larger and larger with each drop of water. There weren't many people on the boardwalk and there were only a few cars parked...and here I was walking in the rain...wishing you were with me. It had the potential to be such a romantic moment.
*I'm guessing the weather called for a ditch day at work. The waters were strewn with so many surfers that the black wetsuits created this long line for as far as the eye could see. It's always neat to see so many, all vying for a wave that'll give them that rush they so love. There's always a few that stand out and when your eyes quickly adjust and focus on them, it's easy to follow them in their triumph or their wipeout. There were off-shore winds today and because of the recent storms, the waves were huge! I watched these surfers attempt the huge walls and I loved seeing perfect barrels form. For as long as I've come to the beach, I would always take the time to watch the surfers to their thing. I could sit and listen to the waves crash for hours on end, but then you gave me a lesson on wave watching, sets, white water, duck diving, and everything surfing related...and I saw the ocean with new eyes. I'll always think of you when it comes to surfing, no doubt. And in this season of Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you are well.
*I thought about you today...and I hoped against hope that you'd be there today...but you weren't. You have to know how disappointed I felt. I felt my heart break a little bit tonight. You were supposed to come and surprise me. You were supposed to show up at my door with this huge smile on my face telling me how happy you were to see me...but you didn't. Damn how I hate when my imagination runs away from me like that! Deep down, I knew that you wouldn't make it. It's been too much bombarding and I hate the fact that I've slipped way too many times. During service, my eyes couldn't help but search among the people standing in the back. Would you have come late? I became engrossed in the message that by the time service was over, my heart was ready to burst. I had to walk. I walked over the bridge, past the apartments, all the way down to the lagoon at the recreation center. I'm thinking that perhaps I should've been more cautious...walking in the dark of night on Christmas Eve, streets are empty except for a few passerbys. The parking lot was empty and I made my way to my trusty park bench under the light. It was so peaceful as I looked out on the water. Amid the black of night and unseen water is the lit up tree...just floating in the center of the lagoon. The noiseless night should've creeped me out, but it didn't. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to clear my head of all of the things running around in it. I was feeling so many things at the same time- happy, sad, joyful, lonely, confused, distracted, thankful, resigned, grateful, humbled...I was remembering the words of the pastor and repeating the message over and over in my head...and still, I was not completely comforted. And when that reality struck me, I felt selfish and upset with myself for feeling that way. I thought about what good would've came out of it if you came, besides my own obvious contentment...but I know that you would've come if you wanted. My heart broke a little bit tonight...you have to know that...but if I look at Him and gaze at Him MORE, if I have big faith, then I know that I will be comforted.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
In Theory
It should be easy, right? You put it on your to-do list and you do it. You set your mark, you aim, and you shoot. You have a plan, you stick to it...and even though you may not agree with it, if it seems like the best that there is at the moment, you go with it.
Easier said than done.
I'm having a really difficult time sticking to what I said I'd do. I've had a track record of being somewhat slow. Even though I KNOW what the right thing to do is, my feelings always get in the way. I was always told to "think with your head," but I always did the opposite and thought with my heart. I mean, I WOULD get it done...it would just take me a little bit longer than some.
I'm having a hard time staying away. It seems silly and juvenile to even complain about it. It's probably annoying because whenever I talk to some friends, it's always about the same old thing. I bitch and bitch and bitch...and there's really nothing that will make me feel better. The Christmas holidays are not making it any easier. I walked around the mall the other day to kill time. Maybe it was just me, but the sight of people holding hands annoyed me. Everything was decorated so beautifully that it should've brightened my spirits...but my inner Scrouge reappeared and all that I saw left me with this bitter after-taste in my mouth. Not even the lights got me excited...and I'm usually easily excitable when it comes to pretty lit up things.
It's jealously. All of the things that leave me feeling bitter is because I'm jealous...straight up. I'm jealous of the people that get to shop because I can't afford to. I'm jealous of the people holding hands with that special someone because I can't. I'm jealous of the people who are SO into the Christmas spirit while I am here anticipating the end of it. I'm jealous of the people that get to spend time with him when I can't even get five minutes. Yes, I am jealous. It bothers me. It bothers me to know that I am jealous...and it sucks.
I should have a better attitude about it all. I mean, it COULD be much worse. There's someone out there who is going through way worse than what I'm going through and hell, I should just be grateful.
Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive...maybe it's lack of sleep...maybe it's the effects of Nyquil and Halls cough drops that I've been taking...maybe it's just my over analytical and bored mind...maybe it's just my imagination...maybe, just maybe, it's as clear as day and I am in denial...and maybe I'm just too scared to face the truth...
It should be easy, right? You put it on your to-do list and you do it. You set your mark, you aim, and you shoot. You have a plan, you stick to it...and even though you may not agree with it, if it seems like the best that there is at the moment, you go with it.
Easier said than done.
I'm having a really difficult time sticking to what I said I'd do. I've had a track record of being somewhat slow. Even though I KNOW what the right thing to do is, my feelings always get in the way. I was always told to "think with your head," but I always did the opposite and thought with my heart. I mean, I WOULD get it done...it would just take me a little bit longer than some.
I'm having a hard time staying away. It seems silly and juvenile to even complain about it. It's probably annoying because whenever I talk to some friends, it's always about the same old thing. I bitch and bitch and bitch...and there's really nothing that will make me feel better. The Christmas holidays are not making it any easier. I walked around the mall the other day to kill time. Maybe it was just me, but the sight of people holding hands annoyed me. Everything was decorated so beautifully that it should've brightened my spirits...but my inner Scrouge reappeared and all that I saw left me with this bitter after-taste in my mouth. Not even the lights got me excited...and I'm usually easily excitable when it comes to pretty lit up things.
It's jealously. All of the things that leave me feeling bitter is because I'm jealous...straight up. I'm jealous of the people that get to shop because I can't afford to. I'm jealous of the people holding hands with that special someone because I can't. I'm jealous of the people who are SO into the Christmas spirit while I am here anticipating the end of it. I'm jealous of the people that get to spend time with him when I can't even get five minutes. Yes, I am jealous. It bothers me. It bothers me to know that I am jealous...and it sucks.
I should have a better attitude about it all. I mean, it COULD be much worse. There's someone out there who is going through way worse than what I'm going through and hell, I should just be grateful.
Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive...maybe it's lack of sleep...maybe it's the effects of Nyquil and Halls cough drops that I've been taking...maybe it's just my over analytical and bored mind...maybe it's just my imagination...maybe, just maybe, it's as clear as day and I am in denial...and maybe I'm just too scared to face the truth...
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Is There Such A Thing...
...as being too optimistic?
As long as I can remember, I've always sought out the best scenarios for situations. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't always like this. I mean, we all go through the worst case scenarios in our head growing up. We tend to think that everything that doesn't go our way is the "end of the world." We over dramatize the minor things and without really meaning to, make them major. We believe that we are the only ones to feel what we feel and that no one, absolutely no one, understands us. But then, you get over the drama....or at least, you try...or at least, you'd like to THINK you did, but then again, you could be wrong...then, that would suck...
We all have our issues. We all have our weaknesses. We all have our quirks, endearments, and what have you. I wonder, sometimes, if being too optimistic is simply mere stupidity. I've often heard people confuse the two. But to be quite honest, with all the shit that I've had to go through, to have gone to hell and back, and to have hit the lowest low in my life, there's no other way to go but UP.
Perhaps one problem with my optimism is that I can easily delve into the fantasy. Sometimes, my mind wanders into the "not quite possible" realm. Analytically speaking, maybe that's just a defense mechanism to protect that part of me that is truly insecure by not dealing with the reality of the situation. Call it wishful thinking...call it the heart's desire....call it what you will.
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"The cup is half full."
"There's a silver lining in every cloud."
The past few weeks have felt like being stuck in my own personal hell. Thanksgiving was painful and with the Christmas holidays just around the corner, I just can't wait for it all to be over. I'm like Scrouge with the "Bah! Humbug!" attitude. It's awful, I know, but I can't help how I feel. In some ways, I feel that it's inevitable for me to go through this freakin' cycle year after year...but the optimistic side of me is saying (brightly), "It's not as bad as last year." "Look at how far I've come." And just when you think you've gone over that hump, you're hit again with yet another inevitability and all of that optimism is out the door. But you know what? I don't like being a downer. Because no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, there's a reason and a purpose behind it all.
"Everything happens for a reason." That's not optimism...that's just what I believe. Because if I don't have even that, I'd be stuck in the "Why me?" scenario all the time.
So here I am, "Bah! Humbug!" attitude, secretly, but not so secretly, depressed, confused, and sad.....and unbelievably busy preparing for the 3rd Grade Christmas program. I've rehearsed with the drama kids...I practically know the dialogue line by line...and I've been practicing the hand motions to the songs I will be leading. We have stressed the true meaning of Christmas to the children as we do year after year and celebrating the birth of Jesus is simply one of the best things to ever happen. But it wasn't until the other day that one of the songs that the children have been singing repeatedly hit me...it might as well have slapped me across the face because the message is loud and clear. When all seems lost, we should never forget that there is hope.
"When the mountains seem too high
And the rivers way too wide
There's a hand that is waiting
To lead you to the other side.
Never forget there is hope. Never forget there is hope.”
So the Christmas program was the other day...and the kids did such an awesome job! I am so very proud of them. Even though I knew he wouldn't be there, I secretly wished that he was. I wanted him to see "my world," so to speak. After the show, it was nonstop craziness- rejoicing with the kids, gathering costumes, greeting the parents, taking pictures, and finally seeing all of my students off. It was such a high and a great way to see all of our hard work pay off. I didn't go home right away; rather, I stopped by the lagoon near my place.
I needed the quiet...I needed the solitude. I just needed to breathe...and to think.
With all the busyness of the past few weeks, my ears have been closed. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I subscribe to a daily Bible verse and wouldn't you know it? Every day for the past week, each verse had something to do with hope. I haven't been listening, but it's as if God has been sending me a message to 'keep hope alive.' Cheesy, I know. But see, I believe in all of that and I honest to goodness believe that the song that the kids sang ("Never Forget There is Hope") and all of these Bible verses were coming at me at a time when I really needed to hear it the most. God is so awesome in that way...
Back to the question of being too optimistic...is there such a thing? I mean, people go through crap all the time...just today, I found out that my car was egged...EGGED!Who does that shit anymore? But hey, my Honda was in dire need of a car wash anyways...
I believe that everything happens for a reason...and yet, going through shit doesn't hurt any less knowing and believing that fact. I get it, though...we all need time and space to sort things through within ourselves...and we can't put a timeline on those kinds of things. Sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by a support system and sometimes, it's just something we have to do on our own.
"After a storm, there's always a rainbow." I will continue to keep hoping for better days ahead...
...as being too optimistic?
As long as I can remember, I've always sought out the best scenarios for situations. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't always like this. I mean, we all go through the worst case scenarios in our head growing up. We tend to think that everything that doesn't go our way is the "end of the world." We over dramatize the minor things and without really meaning to, make them major. We believe that we are the only ones to feel what we feel and that no one, absolutely no one, understands us. But then, you get over the drama....or at least, you try...or at least, you'd like to THINK you did, but then again, you could be wrong...then, that would suck...
We all have our issues. We all have our weaknesses. We all have our quirks, endearments, and what have you. I wonder, sometimes, if being too optimistic is simply mere stupidity. I've often heard people confuse the two. But to be quite honest, with all the shit that I've had to go through, to have gone to hell and back, and to have hit the lowest low in my life, there's no other way to go but UP.
Perhaps one problem with my optimism is that I can easily delve into the fantasy. Sometimes, my mind wanders into the "not quite possible" realm. Analytically speaking, maybe that's just a defense mechanism to protect that part of me that is truly insecure by not dealing with the reality of the situation. Call it wishful thinking...call it the heart's desire....call it what you will.
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"The cup is half full."
"There's a silver lining in every cloud."
The past few weeks have felt like being stuck in my own personal hell. Thanksgiving was painful and with the Christmas holidays just around the corner, I just can't wait for it all to be over. I'm like Scrouge with the "Bah! Humbug!" attitude. It's awful, I know, but I can't help how I feel. In some ways, I feel that it's inevitable for me to go through this freakin' cycle year after year...but the optimistic side of me is saying (brightly), "It's not as bad as last year." "Look at how far I've come." And just when you think you've gone over that hump, you're hit again with yet another inevitability and all of that optimism is out the door. But you know what? I don't like being a downer. Because no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, there's a reason and a purpose behind it all.
"Everything happens for a reason." That's not optimism...that's just what I believe. Because if I don't have even that, I'd be stuck in the "Why me?" scenario all the time.
So here I am, "Bah! Humbug!" attitude, secretly, but not so secretly, depressed, confused, and sad.....and unbelievably busy preparing for the 3rd Grade Christmas program. I've rehearsed with the drama kids...I practically know the dialogue line by line...and I've been practicing the hand motions to the songs I will be leading. We have stressed the true meaning of Christmas to the children as we do year after year and celebrating the birth of Jesus is simply one of the best things to ever happen. But it wasn't until the other day that one of the songs that the children have been singing repeatedly hit me...it might as well have slapped me across the face because the message is loud and clear. When all seems lost, we should never forget that there is hope.
"When the mountains seem too high
And the rivers way too wide
There's a hand that is waiting
To lead you to the other side.
Never forget there is hope. Never forget there is hope.”
So the Christmas program was the other day...and the kids did such an awesome job! I am so very proud of them. Even though I knew he wouldn't be there, I secretly wished that he was. I wanted him to see "my world," so to speak. After the show, it was nonstop craziness- rejoicing with the kids, gathering costumes, greeting the parents, taking pictures, and finally seeing all of my students off. It was such a high and a great way to see all of our hard work pay off. I didn't go home right away; rather, I stopped by the lagoon near my place.
I needed the quiet...I needed the solitude. I just needed to breathe...and to think.
With all the busyness of the past few weeks, my ears have been closed. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I subscribe to a daily Bible verse and wouldn't you know it? Every day for the past week, each verse had something to do with hope. I haven't been listening, but it's as if God has been sending me a message to 'keep hope alive.' Cheesy, I know. But see, I believe in all of that and I honest to goodness believe that the song that the kids sang ("Never Forget There is Hope") and all of these Bible verses were coming at me at a time when I really needed to hear it the most. God is so awesome in that way...
Back to the question of being too optimistic...is there such a thing? I mean, people go through crap all the time...just today, I found out that my car was egged...EGGED!Who does that shit anymore? But hey, my Honda was in dire need of a car wash anyways...
I believe that everything happens for a reason...and yet, going through shit doesn't hurt any less knowing and believing that fact. I get it, though...we all need time and space to sort things through within ourselves...and we can't put a timeline on those kinds of things. Sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by a support system and sometimes, it's just something we have to do on our own.
"After a storm, there's always a rainbow." I will continue to keep hoping for better days ahead...
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Just My Imagination
I dropped it off this morning...and my imagination ran away with me. I swear, sometimes I think way too much for my own good! Only one scenario truly took place, but for all I know, any one of these could've been possible.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing my body across the top, just to get one more glimpse. He cocks his head towards me as I call out his name and for that brief moment, I imagine that he says to himself, "Where have you been, my lady? I've missed you!" He runs directly up to the fence and I can no longer see him...but as I leave, I tell him that I"ll miss him and that I hope to see him soon. I get back into my car and as I back out of the driveway, I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll be a while. I take my time pulling away...it's early, no one is up, and yet, I know you're not there...and that's why I came.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. My heart literally stops because of the car I just pulled up next to. It has out-of-state plates and it doesn't take a genius to know to whom it belongs to. I should've known. I quickly walk up the path up to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sounds of dogtags jingling, but before I know it, I hear a voice that calls out, "What is it, boy? Is someone there?" The voice is unfamiliar and yet, I have no doubt who it is. My heart starts beating faster and I know that I cannot escape fast enough. I take my package and leave it by the front door, but before I could take another step, the fence door opens up and she's there. In that moment, we are locked frozen in place, and all I could do was stare. It's different to finally see her in person and I know that she is thinking the exact same thing. Before I could speak, she tells me that you're not there, but surprisingly, it's not said in any condescending or arrogant manner. I tell her that I know and that's why I came. I'm still shocked and surprised, but when I find my voice again, I calmly ask her if she could please make sure you get the package. I tell her that I would really appreciate it if she could do this one thing. She agrees and I hand it to her. I start walking back down the path, but I turn to face her, knowing that she is still watching. Without any hint of anger, bitterness, or righteousness on my part, I simply say, "Just be careful with his heart this time." I've said what I needed to say and I leave. I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be the last time I see it. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling in my eyes...and as I pull away, I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing myself across the top, just to get one more glimpse. Just as I do, I am face to face with your son, and we both yell out in surprise. "What the...?" "Sorry dude, I didn't know you were home," I say. As he pushes the fence door open, he asks, "Why didn't you just use the key?" When we are standing face to face, I have a hard time breathing, but I calmly tell him that I no longer have it. He notices me holding a package. He alternates looking at the package and my eyes, back at the package, and back to my eyes again. He asks me the ultimate question and I chuckle because he had it all wrong. In fact, it was the other way around. He looks confused and there's a sadness in his eyes. I can't bear it any longer. I tell him that I have to go, but to please make sure you get the package. As I turn to walk away, he calls out my name and asks me to stay. "Stay until he gets back so you guys can talk." "I wish I could...I want nothing else," I tell him, but I know that your mind has been made up and you'd probably be upset to find me there. I'm torn because in moments like these, it's never just the two people involved that are affected, it's everyone around. I take a step closer to him and ask if you're okay. He says he's not sure...he hasn't noticed anything unusual other than that you were tired. His answer does not surprise me. "Just stay...c'mon. We can play a game of chess while we're waiting..." I laugh and I smile...I tell him that I can't, but before I turn to go, I give him a hug. "I'll miss you," I tell him. "Do me a favor and take care of him, okay?" He nods, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "I will." As I walk down the path towards my car, he calls out my name. "Yeah?" I reply. He says, "I'll miss you, too." I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I look back and he's still standing there holding onto the dog. I try my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be a while, but I hope and pray that it won't be too long until I see them again. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling up in my eyes. As I drive away, he waves and I wave back. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.
I dropped it off this morning...and my imagination ran away with me. I swear, sometimes I think way too much for my own good! Only one scenario truly took place, but for all I know, any one of these could've been possible.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing my body across the top, just to get one more glimpse. He cocks his head towards me as I call out his name and for that brief moment, I imagine that he says to himself, "Where have you been, my lady? I've missed you!" He runs directly up to the fence and I can no longer see him...but as I leave, I tell him that I"ll miss him and that I hope to see him soon. I get back into my car and as I back out of the driveway, I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll be a while. I take my time pulling away...it's early, no one is up, and yet, I know you're not there...and that's why I came.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. My heart literally stops because of the car I just pulled up next to. It has out-of-state plates and it doesn't take a genius to know to whom it belongs to. I should've known. I quickly walk up the path up to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sounds of dogtags jingling, but before I know it, I hear a voice that calls out, "What is it, boy? Is someone there?" The voice is unfamiliar and yet, I have no doubt who it is. My heart starts beating faster and I know that I cannot escape fast enough. I take my package and leave it by the front door, but before I could take another step, the fence door opens up and she's there. In that moment, we are locked frozen in place, and all I could do was stare. It's different to finally see her in person and I know that she is thinking the exact same thing. Before I could speak, she tells me that you're not there, but surprisingly, it's not said in any condescending or arrogant manner. I tell her that I know and that's why I came. I'm still shocked and surprised, but when I find my voice again, I calmly ask her if she could please make sure you get the package. I tell her that I would really appreciate it if she could do this one thing. She agrees and I hand it to her. I start walking back down the path, but I turn to face her, knowing that she is still watching. Without any hint of anger, bitterness, or righteousness on my part, I simply say, "Just be careful with his heart this time." I've said what I needed to say and I leave. I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be the last time I see it. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling in my eyes...and as I pull away, I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.
I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing myself across the top, just to get one more glimpse. Just as I do, I am face to face with your son, and we both yell out in surprise. "What the...?" "Sorry dude, I didn't know you were home," I say. As he pushes the fence door open, he asks, "Why didn't you just use the key?" When we are standing face to face, I have a hard time breathing, but I calmly tell him that I no longer have it. He notices me holding a package. He alternates looking at the package and my eyes, back at the package, and back to my eyes again. He asks me the ultimate question and I chuckle because he had it all wrong. In fact, it was the other way around. He looks confused and there's a sadness in his eyes. I can't bear it any longer. I tell him that I have to go, but to please make sure you get the package. As I turn to walk away, he calls out my name and asks me to stay. "Stay until he gets back so you guys can talk." "I wish I could...I want nothing else," I tell him, but I know that your mind has been made up and you'd probably be upset to find me there. I'm torn because in moments like these, it's never just the two people involved that are affected, it's everyone around. I take a step closer to him and ask if you're okay. He says he's not sure...he hasn't noticed anything unusual other than that you were tired. His answer does not surprise me. "Just stay...c'mon. We can play a game of chess while we're waiting..." I laugh and I smile...I tell him that I can't, but before I turn to go, I give him a hug. "I'll miss you," I tell him. "Do me a favor and take care of him, okay?" He nods, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "I will." As I walk down the path towards my car, he calls out my name. "Yeah?" I reply. He says, "I'll miss you, too." I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I look back and he's still standing there holding onto the dog. I try my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be a while, but I hope and pray that it won't be too long until I see them again. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling up in my eyes. As I drive away, he waves and I wave back. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
My Favorite Story of All...12/6/08
I looked over and you weren't there...and in a blink of an eye, I was in tears.
You are the first thought when I wake in the morning and you're usually the last thought before I sleep...but knowing that I can't hold you close to me, knowing that I can't wrap my arms around your warm body and feel you breathe against me kills me.
I miss holding your hand...feeling your big, strong hands take hold of mine, almost protectively, and feeling our fingers intertwine in such a natural way as if my hand was meant to be in yours. There's a moment when we are walking and when your left hand instinctively reaches out for mine...it's left in midair for about a second just waiting for my hand to go to its rightful place. That brief second never fails to give me this giddy feeling because whether or not you do it out of habit, it's MY hand that you're reaching and wanting to hold.
I looked over to where you should've been...and you weren't there.
My heart is aching something fierce and it makes it hard to breathe. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. It almost seems like a dream...as if later on in the day, I'm going to pack a bag and head over to your place for the weekend. The reality has hit me, but it hasn't sunk in completely. It just hurts so much...and the pain is something I haven't felt in a long time...because it's been a really long time since I've felt this strongly about someone.
I've been told that I fall too easily in love and in some ways, I can admit that and see that about myself. But while I fall in love with the idea of falling in love, I do not give my heart away so freely. I did that once before only to have it broken time and time again. It's been broken, bruised, and trampled on and it took a long time to heal...but it did...and I've learned. It made me stronger and because of that, I know that my heart is able to withstand tough times.
I want to be "that girl" for you...because to me, you're not just "some guy." You ARE that guy.
I had a gut feeling about what would happen and it did. But my other gut feeling is that this is NOT the end of us. We've hit a bump in the road is all it is. The rest of our story is not yet written...but the chapters to follow after this writer's block are filled with moments to lift your heart in happiness. I'm willing to put the book aside on the nightstand for a bit...but know that I can't wait to start the story all over again. You've been my favorite story of all...
I looked over and you weren't there...and in a blink of an eye, I was in tears.
You are the first thought when I wake in the morning and you're usually the last thought before I sleep...but knowing that I can't hold you close to me, knowing that I can't wrap my arms around your warm body and feel you breathe against me kills me.
I miss holding your hand...feeling your big, strong hands take hold of mine, almost protectively, and feeling our fingers intertwine in such a natural way as if my hand was meant to be in yours. There's a moment when we are walking and when your left hand instinctively reaches out for mine...it's left in midair for about a second just waiting for my hand to go to its rightful place. That brief second never fails to give me this giddy feeling because whether or not you do it out of habit, it's MY hand that you're reaching and wanting to hold.
I looked over to where you should've been...and you weren't there.
My heart is aching something fierce and it makes it hard to breathe. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. It almost seems like a dream...as if later on in the day, I'm going to pack a bag and head over to your place for the weekend. The reality has hit me, but it hasn't sunk in completely. It just hurts so much...and the pain is something I haven't felt in a long time...because it's been a really long time since I've felt this strongly about someone.
I've been told that I fall too easily in love and in some ways, I can admit that and see that about myself. But while I fall in love with the idea of falling in love, I do not give my heart away so freely. I did that once before only to have it broken time and time again. It's been broken, bruised, and trampled on and it took a long time to heal...but it did...and I've learned. It made me stronger and because of that, I know that my heart is able to withstand tough times.
I want to be "that girl" for you...because to me, you're not just "some guy." You ARE that guy.
I had a gut feeling about what would happen and it did. But my other gut feeling is that this is NOT the end of us. We've hit a bump in the road is all it is. The rest of our story is not yet written...but the chapters to follow after this writer's block are filled with moments to lift your heart in happiness. I'm willing to put the book aside on the nightstand for a bit...but know that I can't wait to start the story all over again. You've been my favorite story of all...
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Gut Feelings...part 2
All I have to say is this: never underestimate the power of the gut feeling. In my case, almost always, the things that I "feel" comes true. Normally, my ESP mode kicks in at least once a day about totally random things...but then, there are days when I just KNOW that something unpleasant and dreadful is going to happen and it does. I was hoping against hope that my latest gut feeling would be nothing...but as it turns out, I was right on the button.
It hurts like hell...but doesn't it always when your heart breaks?
All I have to say is this: never underestimate the power of the gut feeling. In my case, almost always, the things that I "feel" comes true. Normally, my ESP mode kicks in at least once a day about totally random things...but then, there are days when I just KNOW that something unpleasant and dreadful is going to happen and it does. I was hoping against hope that my latest gut feeling would be nothing...but as it turns out, I was right on the button.
It hurts like hell...but doesn't it always when your heart breaks?
Monday, December 01, 2008
My Gut Feeling
I can't shake it. My mind is jumbled and my heart is racing a million times a second. My body is tense and my stomach is in knots. I have goosebumps and my hands need some warming up. I can't put my finger on it, although I have a good idea on what is making me feel ill all over. And I do feel ill due to nervous nausea and so I chew some gum abnormally fast to get that jittery feeling out. I hate this feeling...this feeling of dread and unease...the feeling that something bad is going to happen.
I had the nightmare again this morning. The same one where something, an unseen force, is pinning me down and I am frozen in fear. No words escape my mouth. I struggle in this physical match that I know I will lose each time...and when I wake, my body is sore. I woke up afraid, and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, my eyes played tricks on me. With every effort, I turned on the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling as I waited for my heart to stop pounding in my ears. I could slowly feel the paralysis in my legs disappear and regain circulation. I was scared...but even moreso, I was angry. Why was I having this dream again? What does it mean?
So many things have been on my mind this past Thanksgiving weekend...some, probably unnecessary; others, maybe downright deserved. It comes down to one thing and that is not knowing. It's a feeling of insecurity that feels warranted by one fact too many. Inadequacy follows with self-doubt and now, you're just one shitty mess.
But why this nightmare? Why now? Why when the last time they kept recurring had to do with my relationship with the ex-hubby. What the hell does it mean? Or maybe it really doesn't mean anything at all and I am making myself mentally crazy.
Or maybe the damn fumes of the hair coloring is affecting my thinking and my sense of reality? Wtf? Whatever the case, I don't mess with gut feelings...because in the past, I've usually been right. Let's hope that this is some stupid coincidence and that maybe I'm really not in touch with that sixth sense as much as I'd believe.
I can't breathe...this bites...
I can't shake it. My mind is jumbled and my heart is racing a million times a second. My body is tense and my stomach is in knots. I have goosebumps and my hands need some warming up. I can't put my finger on it, although I have a good idea on what is making me feel ill all over. And I do feel ill due to nervous nausea and so I chew some gum abnormally fast to get that jittery feeling out. I hate this feeling...this feeling of dread and unease...the feeling that something bad is going to happen.
I had the nightmare again this morning. The same one where something, an unseen force, is pinning me down and I am frozen in fear. No words escape my mouth. I struggle in this physical match that I know I will lose each time...and when I wake, my body is sore. I woke up afraid, and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, my eyes played tricks on me. With every effort, I turned on the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling as I waited for my heart to stop pounding in my ears. I could slowly feel the paralysis in my legs disappear and regain circulation. I was scared...but even moreso, I was angry. Why was I having this dream again? What does it mean?
So many things have been on my mind this past Thanksgiving weekend...some, probably unnecessary; others, maybe downright deserved. It comes down to one thing and that is not knowing. It's a feeling of insecurity that feels warranted by one fact too many. Inadequacy follows with self-doubt and now, you're just one shitty mess.
But why this nightmare? Why now? Why when the last time they kept recurring had to do with my relationship with the ex-hubby. What the hell does it mean? Or maybe it really doesn't mean anything at all and I am making myself mentally crazy.
Or maybe the damn fumes of the hair coloring is affecting my thinking and my sense of reality? Wtf? Whatever the case, I don't mess with gut feelings...because in the past, I've usually been right. Let's hope that this is some stupid coincidence and that maybe I'm really not in touch with that sixth sense as much as I'd believe.
I can't breathe...this bites...
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