I Get It...
I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The movie with the same name is coming out next week, just in time for Valentine's Day. I've been telling people that is how I'm going to spend that overly commercialized holiday- watching this movie in the theaters solo.
It was a random and impulsive buy at Target. I was roaming the dvd aisles like I always do and I saw the book. I didn't even bother to check the price, but I did check to make sure none of the pages were bent or folded...my usual once over for any books that I purchase.
Later on that night as I settled into bed, I realized that it wasn't based on the movie script, but rather, it was more like a self-help book. I read all the forewords and right away, I knew that it'd be a quick read. The authors are actual writers/editors/consultants for Sex in the City...AND here's a quick random fact for ya'll...they are the ones who coined the phrase, "He's just not that into you." Now we know where it came from...
Right away, the vibe of the book caters to single women who are treading water (and perhaps even drowning) in the deep and open waters of dating. I shit you not, but I can very much relate to A LOT of the things I read about...and I thought that was pretty darn scary (and sad).
First of all, it's a huge comfort to know that I'm not the only one who chooses losers for boyfriends. Okay, maybe that's a tad bit harsh...forgive me...I'm still in "angry and pissed off mode" over the Music Maestro. NOT that I'm making an excuse for his behavior, but I don't necessarily think he is or ever will be a "loser." He's a really great guy...talented, smart, funny...hurt, lost, confused...but not a loser...
However, what I read on p.125 made me want to circle, underline, and highlight the following,
"You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn't lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there's no mystery, and tell you up front that he's not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. YOU ARE NOT EASILY FORGETTABLE."
I honest to goodness believed that the Music Maestro was THE guy. Seriously. On the surface, it was a relationship in its early stages. We only went out for 7 months. BUT, considering what we both went through previously, the timing and the things that transpired, seemed so right. But after zooming through this book, I realized that yes, he WAS into me...but now and currently, he is NOT...no longer.
The book made me laugh out loud...there were moments where I had to repeat lines out loud so I can hear it for myself...and yes, the truth hurt...like hell.
A lot of it seems so simple...yet, when we are overcome by emotion and when you are ME, the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, it is difficult to see things for what they really are. And yes, even though your family and friends see it and point out the obvious, I'm one of those who have to come to the conclusions herself...even if it DOES take a tad longer than people expect. Either I'm stubborn or just slow....perhaps both...crap.
At the end of each chapter, there's a section entitled, "Things You Should've Learned In This Chapter." I just wanted to list some that resonated...and really, I think I found them more validating and encouraging, if anything. So here goes.
Things I Should've Learned...
*If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
*Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down that phone.
*If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
*Better than nothing is NOT good enough for you!
*Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend.
*Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
*Cut him off. Let him miss you.
*He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
*Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
*There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
*You ARE good enough to be asked out.
It's been a month since I last saw him...and there's not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me...or if he misses me at all. Apparently, I am wasting my time. I am having a hard time letting go...but you'd be relieved to know that I'm moving on, however slow as it may be. Unfortunately, I know this whole break-up has affected my work. My piles of papers are stacked so high, it's ridiculous! I'm so thankful for Ethan's Mommy 'cuz she is the first one I see at school...she's the one who sees my red, puffy eyes..and she has a knack for knowing when to ask how things are, when NOT to ask, when to listen, and what to say. So thanks Lily...you're my true bud!
I've taken down most of his pictures, but I'm conflicted on whether or not I should delete them from my facebook/myspace/blog...I can't do it just yet. Even though we are no longer together, it hasn't changed the way I feel about him. What's makes it all so hard isn't just the fact that he decided to call it quits, but it's the fact that I've got to start all over...AGAIN. It's emotionally draining...and by golly, it hurts like a mf. I don't know if my heart can handle any more heartache!
But I should stop with my pity party, as one of my good friends pointed out. I should re-read all of those lessons I should've learned. The optimistic side of me continues to hope that the Music Maestro WILL find me when he's ready...but for now, I get it. I've heard it loud and clear.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Kuya Sam
I thought about you today, knowing that your birthday is tomorrow. You would've been 39 years old. It hurts to think that the last time I saw you, you were already gone from us. How I wished that I was able to say goodbye to you! I distinctly remember getting the phone call...I was devastated. You were, after all, the kuya that always had my back. You always had time for me along with a big hug and mischievous smile. You seemed to always know when something wasn't quite right with me and you'd cheer me up with one of your stories that would usually leave me with the same comment out of my mouth, "Oh no, you didn't!"
I don't recall the flight down to Southern California. All I know is that I dreaded seeing you. I wasn't quite ready to see you for the last time. I came with Caramello and as we walked up that long aisle to where you lay, my body trembled. The tears filled my eyes and I had trouble breathing. I've never had a close friend of mine die before. When I finally saw you, I was jolted by how you were dressed...you were in a sports jersey! That took me by surprise and I had to laugh...which everyone pretty much did...but after that, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You looked so peaceful. I wonder if you heard my thoughts that day...I shared many things with you that day, as if we were having our usual conversations...I shared because I missed you and I wanted you to know what was going on with me. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been standing with you, talking with you, crying...because Caramello had to pull me away. I didn't want to go just yet because I wanted more time.
Your memorial service was SO you...full of laughter and good memories. Of course tears were shed, but mostly, it was because someone shared a story that had us rolling in the aisles! One by one, people went up and spoke about you. Your family loved the story about how Likha peoples nicknamed you "Tiny Bubbles!" I didn't go up, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend you were to me...and how I would always consider you my big brother.
So I was thinking about you...and wishing I could tell you what's been up with me lately. I would've loved to share about the Music Maestro...and boy, you would've thought he was cute! lol! I probably would've had to endure all of your joking comments, "Well honey, get out of the way so I can get a piece of that!" Or, when I would've told you that we were taking a "break" because he needed time...or that he just cut me off completely because things were becoming too much for him...I could honestly hear you tell me, "Gurrrlllll....it's time to move on!" "He ain't worth your time, honey...." "Oh NO, he didn't!" Yet, all kidding aside, you probably would've took me aside and let me cry on your shoulder, too...
It's been two years since your passing and I still miss you terribly. You were too young to be taken. But when I think about you, it's always with love, laughter, and believe it or not, it's with a Janet Jackson song in the background! You're definitely not forgotten...miss and love you lots...
I thought about you today, knowing that your birthday is tomorrow. You would've been 39 years old. It hurts to think that the last time I saw you, you were already gone from us. How I wished that I was able to say goodbye to you! I distinctly remember getting the phone call...I was devastated. You were, after all, the kuya that always had my back. You always had time for me along with a big hug and mischievous smile. You seemed to always know when something wasn't quite right with me and you'd cheer me up with one of your stories that would usually leave me with the same comment out of my mouth, "Oh no, you didn't!"
I don't recall the flight down to Southern California. All I know is that I dreaded seeing you. I wasn't quite ready to see you for the last time. I came with Caramello and as we walked up that long aisle to where you lay, my body trembled. The tears filled my eyes and I had trouble breathing. I've never had a close friend of mine die before. When I finally saw you, I was jolted by how you were dressed...you were in a sports jersey! That took me by surprise and I had to laugh...which everyone pretty much did...but after that, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You looked so peaceful. I wonder if you heard my thoughts that day...I shared many things with you that day, as if we were having our usual conversations...I shared because I missed you and I wanted you to know what was going on with me. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been standing with you, talking with you, crying...because Caramello had to pull me away. I didn't want to go just yet because I wanted more time.
Your memorial service was SO you...full of laughter and good memories. Of course tears were shed, but mostly, it was because someone shared a story that had us rolling in the aisles! One by one, people went up and spoke about you. Your family loved the story about how Likha peoples nicknamed you "Tiny Bubbles!" I didn't go up, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend you were to me...and how I would always consider you my big brother.
So I was thinking about you...and wishing I could tell you what's been up with me lately. I would've loved to share about the Music Maestro...and boy, you would've thought he was cute! lol! I probably would've had to endure all of your joking comments, "Well honey, get out of the way so I can get a piece of that!" Or, when I would've told you that we were taking a "break" because he needed time...or that he just cut me off completely because things were becoming too much for him...I could honestly hear you tell me, "Gurrrlllll....it's time to move on!" "He ain't worth your time, honey...." "Oh NO, he didn't!" Yet, all kidding aside, you probably would've took me aside and let me cry on your shoulder, too...
It's been two years since your passing and I still miss you terribly. You were too young to be taken. But when I think about you, it's always with love, laughter, and believe it or not, it's with a Janet Jackson song in the background! You're definitely not forgotten...miss and love you lots...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Sun Shines Again...
I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.
I got his voicemail.
In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...
At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!
I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.
Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.
I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.
I got his voicemail.
In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...
At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!
I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.
Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Selfish
I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.
Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...
The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...
How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.
I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.
I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.
Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.
And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.
I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.
I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.
Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...
The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...
How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.
I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.
I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.
Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.
And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.
I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
The Question Is...
How do you get over the love of your life?
This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.
I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.
I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.
But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.
How do you get over the love of your life?
There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.
Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.
Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.
Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.
There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.
There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.
I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.
How do you get over the love of your life?
This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.
I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.
I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.
But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.
How do you get over the love of your life?
There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.
Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.
Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.
Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.
There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.
There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.
I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Stay At Home Day
I look out my window and all I see are gray clouds and imminent rain. The ground is wet, but with my still sleepy eyes, I can't determine whether or not it's raining at the moment. The sound of the cars passing on the bridge outside my window consists of loud sloshing on the wet ground. It's deafening and irritating, but at the same time, it could be therapeutically mesmerizing. Not exactly the same effect as listening to waves crashing onto the shore, but the continuous sound could almost put someone to sleep.
The wind is picking up and I only know that because I have these huge trees outside my window. When I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping next to the window, especially if there was a tree close by. All due to a movie that greatly traumamtized me, but which I won't even mention the movie title here..simply because, well, I do have a vivid imagination.
But wait, it's getting a tad brighter in my room. The sun is trying to break through the clouds. I can understand its struggle...it's as if I am trying to break through my own dark clouds and find that silver lining. It would be on the dot to say that I'm beyond sad for so many reasons and that for the moment, I am willing the sun to retract behind the clouds and let the rain come pouring down.
My room is cold. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. The warmth of all the heavy blankets is so inviting that it almost pulls me under. And what perfect timing. For but a second, there is complete silence. No cars passing, no birds chirping, no children laughing or playing...nothing. I want more of that for right now. I'm going back to bed. I'm going to close my eyes and lie very still...and hope that my dreams will be like the falling rain...
I look out my window and all I see are gray clouds and imminent rain. The ground is wet, but with my still sleepy eyes, I can't determine whether or not it's raining at the moment. The sound of the cars passing on the bridge outside my window consists of loud sloshing on the wet ground. It's deafening and irritating, but at the same time, it could be therapeutically mesmerizing. Not exactly the same effect as listening to waves crashing onto the shore, but the continuous sound could almost put someone to sleep.
The wind is picking up and I only know that because I have these huge trees outside my window. When I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping next to the window, especially if there was a tree close by. All due to a movie that greatly traumamtized me, but which I won't even mention the movie title here..simply because, well, I do have a vivid imagination.
But wait, it's getting a tad brighter in my room. The sun is trying to break through the clouds. I can understand its struggle...it's as if I am trying to break through my own dark clouds and find that silver lining. It would be on the dot to say that I'm beyond sad for so many reasons and that for the moment, I am willing the sun to retract behind the clouds and let the rain come pouring down.
My room is cold. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. The warmth of all the heavy blankets is so inviting that it almost pulls me under. And what perfect timing. For but a second, there is complete silence. No cars passing, no birds chirping, no children laughing or playing...nothing. I want more of that for right now. I'm going back to bed. I'm going to close my eyes and lie very still...and hope that my dreams will be like the falling rain...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)