Called Back Again...
2.22.08

The road that I've been traveling on lately has been rough. It seems like every twist and turn puts me in a loop for another bumpy ride that, as of late, leaves me tempted to go any further. The situation at school with my special kid has been taking a toll on me in the sense that I feel that I am failing him. I feel that there should be something more that I could do, but so far, I've only managed to totally piss off his dad. I could care less whether or not the parent likes me or not, but when we cannot meet on common ground for the sake of what's best for his child or when I can't get a word in edgewise because he constantly interrupts me, then I lose my patience big time.

Taking 2007 for what it was, the year had me focused on one thing - my divorce. It left me anxious, stressed, and torn for way too long, but when it finally became official, I felt like my second life began. But as life kept going, as I knew that it would, somewhere along the line, I stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscious decision; rather, it was more like me making excuses for being so tired from school that kept me away. When I moved to my place, my excuses became lamer as I blamed the distance as the reason for not attending Sunday service.

But God always has a way for calling people back. For me, there's been a tug in my heart to go again. I can't quite explain it, but I believe that without a doubt, it's God speaking.

There's something about working in a Christian school that is already a comfort and knowing that I can discuss God without fear of losing my job is wonderful. But with the stresses that come my way, it's easy to lose sight of God, even in the midst of a place where I'm surrounded by Him. It's like that saying where one can feel so alone in a crowded room. But there is that silver lining in the clouds that comes in the form of some really great friends at school. My coworker/friend H has been somewhat in the same boat as me- wanting to go to church, but not having the time or motivation to go. On our usual Friday Starbucks run after work, we shared how we both missed attending service. We finally decided to get off our asses and go together. Having the company is such a great support. We attended a church that she's gone to prior, but to be quite honest, I wasn't feeling it. The subject of discussion that morning was sex, but if you were sitting with us in that sanctuary, you would've seen how extremely uncomfortable the pastor was during his sermon. To me, it was ridiculously hilarious to the point that I stopped listening. Not once did the pastor look into the congregation, but rather kept his eyes glued to the side walls. It looked as if he couldn't wait to crawl under the covers of his bed! I didn't feel his message come through and the energy of the church body wasn't there. H felt the same way. We decided to give my church in Foster City a try the following week...and wow, what a difference.

Three weeks ago was the first time that I've been back since before Thanksgiving. It's been that long, but boy, was it good to go again. It wasn't difficult to feel His presence because as it has been said before, God is always there, it's really just up to us to let Him into our life. My heart cried out and it was like coming home to the place where I belonged. I go through this bit where I beat myself up for not having gone and yet, I know that there are times when I have to be away so that I could be called back again.

With this challenging year at school, this is the time when I should be asking Him for more grace, more patience, more understanding, and more love. Our church had a guest praise and worship band: Ryan Morgan. They sang Chris Tomlin and David Crowder songs and the whole sanctuary was up on their feet- they were so awesome! Ryan Morgan leads praise and worship at New Life Church in Alamo and quite honestly, I was just blown away. (...and just had to mention that the bass guitar player is a cutie...lol). The band had a cd available at the end of service and it's all that I've been listening to, day and night, since then. But the fact that I was there at that service when this praise band performed, it was almost as if I was meant for me to be there. I was meant to be a part of that praise and worship time and I was meant to hear his words and songs. Moments like those are, in my opinion, the works of God. He makes all things possible and when I take the time to truly let that sink in, to think of all the blessings that He makes possible in my life and others, I feel so thankful.

I'm inspired. My soul needs feeding and I am craving it more than ever now.

So all praise and thanks goes to Him for calling me back...because He knew that I had to be away so that I would WANT to return. No matter what the circumstances happening in my life, personal and otherwise, I am humbly reminded that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it...

Random Happenings

*Read "Atonement" by Ian McEwan...loved the book. Watched the movie and loved it even more. The story is set in the 1930's on the brink of WWI. Basically, a younger sister witnesses from her bedroom window an exchange between her older sister and the son of a house servant whom she's known her whole life. Being 13-years old and not fully understanding the situation, misconstrued ideas fill her mind. There is the feeling of unease, disillusionment, and confusion. The budding romance of her older sister is quickly taken as something dirty and unacceptable. Other circumstances building up to the separation of the two young lovers are based on this one girl's accusations and again, her misunderstanding of adult situations. The movie takes us into the horrors of WWI and the romantic awkwardness of these lovers meeting during a brief military leave. The love is real and genuine. Your heart breaks for them because of the time that separated them for too long and the fact that they did nothing wrong but declare their love for each other.

The movie holds true to the book giving it a few twists and turns. Both the movie ending and the book ending leaves the reader well satisfied, but in different ways. Keira Knightly is her beautiful self...I really dig her as an actress. She just needs to grow some meat on her bones- she’s so dang skinny! And can I just say how FINE James McAvoy is? I’m in love with Mr. Tumnus- lol! If you haven't seen the movie, do yourself a favor and read the book first...two thumbs up from MnM!

*Had a mini get-together with the gang this past Monday. When I say "the gang," I really am referring to the "Get-Along-Gang" crew! It's a nickname that was bestowed unto us lowly freshman at SF State and stuck. There were originally eight of us: Keyopes, the Weekender, JeannieB, Ana, Pete, Dr.C, Marlon, and myself. We were the fresh blood of PACE and because we were the newbies, we automatically stuck together. We hung out at the office, ate lunch together, lounged in the pyramids, and skipped school to gallivant around the city. Good times, good times! The following year, Nickyboy and lil' bro Phil joined our lil' crew...with Josemryosp, JP, and Mrs. Voodoo in tow after that. From there, we were always known as the Get-Along-Gang..parts one and two, depending on when you came in. Lol...yes, yes, 'twas our little clique of sorts! It's funny because there will be some folks who claim to have been part of our group. We didn't exclude people (on purpose!), but really, we were just a tight group of friends. Today, some 16 years later, we still get together whenever we can. Now, not only is it the crew, but it's with significant others and families! It really is awesome to see how we all "grew up" and how life turned out for all of us.

Many of us live in different parts of the Bay Area...some of us moved further away (hello Minnesota!) and as of late, lil' bro Phil moved down south to San Diego. He was up here for President's Day holiday and some of us got together for dinner. We ate at Thai BBQ in SSF and as always as it is when we get together, it was good food, good company, and good times.

On a side note, we learned that Dr.C and wife are expecting! Congratulations you guys! And the day of our dinner happened to be the one-year anniversary of Kuya Sam's passing...may you rest in peace. I still miss you...

*Been hanging out with F for coffee lately. To be quite honest, it's been real cool to have a friend of the opposite sex again...hell, it's just been good to hang out with a friend again! I think that's what we’ve both been lacking in our lives lately. It's funny as he offers me insight to my world of dating and how I tease him about the age gap of him and his lady. The fact that we ran into each other after so many years is a trip and how convenient that we live so close to each other! He's a really good guy and a good friend...I feel that he's got my back and I know that he's someone I can turn to. Hope he knows that it goes both ways. It got me thinking about the last guy friend that I had and wow, it somewhat saddened me because it was the hubby.

Speaking of...I hear that he's in the East Coast now. A part of me still hopes that he will come clean with me one day and take responsibility for the financial obligations that I was left with. I imagine getting a phone call or an email saying, "Hey MnM...I packed up your library of books that you love so much and your photo albums...can I send them to you?" or even better, "MnM, I know you had to take care of our bills and deal with creditors while I was out of work and yes, I know it was hard as hell to get back on your feet, but now that I'm working, let me finally take care of my end of the deal." A fantasy maybe? Sure. I won't keep my fingers crossed, but wow, if that happened, what a turn of events that would be. In any case, I still wish him well and hope that he's getting on in life...

*Last tidbit on school…I woke up late the other day and didn’t have time to straighten my hair as I usually do in the morning. I was forced to go to work with my uncontrollable waves. I was really self-conscious about it because I’ve never left the house like that and well, I just can’t stand it. Why was I not blessed with straight Asian hair? Lol! Anyways, my 3rd graders couldn’t care less. Geez…that’s just about with everything else that I do with them…but that’s a different story altogether. BUT, some of my students from last year, the 4th graders now, were the ones to take notice.

WK came up to me and said, “Miss MnM…something is different about you today. It’s your hair! What did you do?”

MnM: “It’s called, “I-woke-up-late-and-didn’t-have-time-to-fix-my-hair.” Lol…why, is it THAT bad?”

WK: “No! It’s curly…I like it!”

WK and some of my last year’s boys come up to me on a daily basis to say hello and give me a hug. The other day, I was “serenaded” with an EMO song- lol! They said they watched a youtube video and wanted to share it with me… ‘twas something about “E is for the emotionally disturbed and M is for miserable people…” What are kids watching nowadays? It was hilarious…..sweet….but hilarious! Such a difference between last year’s class and my current class…lunch period is probably one of the highlights of my day because of those boys. Love ‘em!

….quick question…

In your opinion, is 23 years old too young for me? Lol….

Gong Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year, all! Yes, yes, I'm not Chinese (although I have been mistaken to be many times...), but I'd thought I'd wish you all happy beginnings for the start of the Year of the Rat.

Unlike most people, I had the day off today. Why? I work at a Chinese school...simple as that. Get this...I have to go back tomorrow! This seriously doesn't make sense. Would it have killed them to give us a three-day weekend? Unfortunately, I didn't have the pleasure of truly enjoying my day off because I had a date with a dentist. No, no, nothing like that. Lol! First of all, my dentist is a woman. 'Tis more like I had to get a root canal. Something that's been put off for way too long and seeing that I had this huge hole in my tooth...well, yah, had to get it done. Thankfully it wasn't as painful as I anticipated...

The Week That Was...

I'm sounding like a broken record...but I really can't wait until summer vacation. I'm having a really tough time with my class this year and yesterday took the cake. My problem kid threw a tantrum...and this time, he got physical with me. There was a point where I actually thought I was going to have to tackle him down if he started throwing punches. This kid has some serious anger issues, among other things. But if you can imagine a raging bull about to charge a matador, that's him. His stance becomes rigid, his hands tightly clenched cocked back and ready to pound, and his eyes have this uncontrollable, almost evil glare set on me. He even sounds like a raging bull complete with the heavy breathing and panting. I braced myself for a hit that never came; instead, he resorted to pushing and nudging. At least he didn't dig his heels into my foot like he did to the afternoon teacher. This is definitely something that I am not equipped to handle, but when he gets physical with the other kids in this fashion, I step in with whatever I got. In any case, I am going to meet with my principal and figure out what can be done for this kid...he needs special attention, but unfortunately,I don't think I can give him what he needs.

Got to watch a free screening of "Fools' Gold" with a co-worker friend of mine. For FREE, it was okay...entertaining...but not a flick I'd pay for. We were reminded of our college days when we'd get to catch all of these movies shown at McKenna Theater of Jack Adams Hall, how we'd make the mad rush to grab some seats, and just enjoy whether or not the movie was any good. Who cares...it's FREE! 'Twas cool to hang out with Kam and dinner at Pomodoro's was yum as well. Other than that, life has been okay. The weather in the Bay has been C-O-L-D. Saw a break in the weather the other day and went for a run...only to be caught in a passing shower. Got totally soaked and by the time I reached home, the rain suddenly stopped its downpour and the sun made an appearance yet again. Impeccable timing.

Been hanging out with various friends here and there...and life has been good. All I can say is good times....good times.

More updates later...gotta go correct papers for tomorrow...