Heads or Tails

Have you ever thought about the phenomenon of heads or tails before? Besides being used to flip a coin to decide who goes first in a game, think of the actual coin itself. The "heads" part of the coin will never ever see the "tails" side...and yet, they are forever connected by the fusion of metal and therefore, a part of both the heads and the tails. This fusion, so to speak, can never be more a part of either side- it's equally distributed to both. This reminds me of a very close friendship I had with three special ladies.

How the hell does the heads and tails of a coin remind me of friendship?

Let's look at it like this: the three ladies are the heads, I am the tails, and the whole fusion thang is everyone else who are our mutual friends. Although it seems that we cannot see eye to eye anymore, we will always be connected by people whom we consider friends.

Let me talk about friendship for a sec. We all know that friends are the people we hang out with, the ones whom we can confide in and trust, who stick with us during the good and bad times, who offer a shoulder to cry on, who open their homes and ears in times of need, who accept you for who you are and never pass judgment, and ultimately are the people who are like a second family to you. The beauty of friendship, in my opinion, is that no matter how much time has passed and no matter when the last time you spoke or saw each other, you pick up right where you left off. I am fortunate to have this kind of relationship with certain people, but unfortunately, not all friendships fall into this category.

As much "drama" that went on between us girls, I have never tried to get other people to "side" with me. In my eyes, it's not fair. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else and to try would be shady. I have talked to others outside of our circle of friends to get their honest opinions as to who was in the wrong. Perhaps out of my own hurt, I may not have seen where I messed up. But ultimately I have realized that we were all guilty to some degree.

One of the things that made us great friends back in da day is the amount of time we spent with each other. We all knew each other from our college days and it's surreal to me how unbelievably tight we were. We did so much together...ate out, shopped, rented movies, gossiped and talked trash, and went clubbing...hahah, yes, those were our "girls' night out" days. What bonds people together are the experiences you have with one another, yes? It makes for the hilarious "remember whens" and the ride down sentimental alley all fun.

But as we got older, graduated from college, and got thrown into the "real world," priorities changed. Suddenly, I couldn't hang out as often because I didn't have a job (which meant no eating out, no shopping, and no clubbing...), I was goin' through my own drama within my family, but hey, amidst all that, I met future hubby. We've all been there before...your friends meet a significant other and they somehow seem to gradually disappear. But that doesn't make your friends anything less...it's the natural thing to want to spend time with that new someone. Throughout college, we've all been in that position where we were the boyfriend-less gal...while everyone else is out with their man, you're left with a good book to read. No biggie, that's just how it goes.

They told me that I had a bad habit of disappearing when I had a man back in da day. Yah, I admit it. They tend to always bring up my ex from Southern Cal as a prime example, but geez, did I ever complain about not hanging out when they all went up to Davis to visit their men? So because I get to actually hang out with my guy 'cuz he's geographically closer makes it all a faux pas. And yes, because when they had problems, I was always a good listener whether or not I had a man, but did I ever complain when I had problems and they didn't have time to spare to listen 'cuz they were hanging out with their men? No, I didn't.

Why bring up all this sh*t? Because I want to put my side of the story out there. I don't get to hang out with our mutual friends anymore and I haven't in a long time. But I also wanted to remind people that there's always two sides of a story, the other side of the coin.

In one of my recent blog entries, I wrote about one of these girls and how I declined my duty as a ninang to her son. I had written her an email to explain my decision and yes, I also put my two cents in about how our friendship has "dwindled" in the past years. In fact, I want to share that letter with everyone:

"in regards to the baptism, i honestly wasn't sure why i got the email (to save the date). i remember that one time you and the girls came to my place in foster city, you had asked me to be ninang. i was flattered and honored that you had asked me. but it seems odd that you would ask me when we (you and I) haven't kept in touch for so long. it's no secret that in the past 4 years or so that our friendship has dwindled. i think that we're still playing the blame game of sorts that even though we all say that "we're over it," deep down we're all sticking to our pride and we're really not. it's awkward for me to be in the same room with you and the rest of the girls because it brings up a lot of painful memories of what was and the sad fact that we aren't as close as we once were. i regret the time lost with you and the girls, but i know that i cannot change the past.

what i'm trying to say is that as honored as i am to have been asked to be ninang, i will have to respectfully decline my duties, so to speak. under the circumstances, it doesn't feel right that i "be there for him" when i'm not there to even know him. i've always thought that this was your way of reaching out, to have me included in your lives once again and it's much appreciated. but i would feel better that your son have a ninang that will be there for him and not just send the birthday cards.

i want to say thanks from the bottom of my heart for having asked me in the first place. this wasn't written to offend you in any way, it's just me being honest about the whole situation. i hope you understand."

Here is her response in her blog:

"I received a response from MnM declining to be a ninang. At first I didn't know how to react, because it also included her view of how our friendship went wrong. I guess all I can say is.. "I GIVE UP" She claims to make her attempts, but if empty invations to hang out are her definitions of "reaching out" then I guess it is. It was our attempts to actually make things happen and have her not respond at all or when she is already back in Minnesota!! So, again, all I can say is.... "I GIVE UP!"

In all honesty, after I asked her to be a ninang, I knew that since there was no other attempt to see GIMB2 or attend the babyshower, or anything else, I already started looking for someone else!! I guess I already learned my lesson. You just gotta know when to let go of some stuff and move on, even when it comes to friendships you want to try and keep. We tried and now we are just tired of trying for nothing!"

Now the whole reason why I'm making such a big stink about this is because there's just so much more that people don't know. A part of me doesn't really give a damn what other people think, but at the same time, when our "fusion" friends read her blog, it makes me seem that I'm the bitch here for declining being a godparent. Hell, I'm just watching out for her son! So in essence, I'm gathering from this whole thing that it would've been better to accept being a ninang even though our friendship hasn't been completely resolved. But yet, she admits that "I started looking for someone else..." That, in itself, is a joke.

This particular situation has nothing to do with the other two girls, but really, it has everything to do with them as well. I feel that I'm on "civil terms" with them, but most likely after that letter I wrote, that won't be the case any longer. Was I upset after reading her blog? Hell yah, you better believe it! Maybe if everyone knew that when I did "attempt" to hang out, imagine how awkward it was to hear all the "remember when's" when hello, I was never there in the first place. I mean, why bring up stuff that I obviously cannot relate to? And that makes me want to hang out and put myself through that feeling-left-out thang again? I always thought that I would've been better hanging out with them one-on-one...but together? Wow...the dynamics of our group was just too intense...hell, we had an on-going joke back in college that's the reason we could never have any other close girlfriends. We were a clique, a really tight one. But see, after the years have passed and reflecting on the entire thing...it seems so silly. It's so high school to me how we all dealt with this. But obviously, a new chapter has opened up in the drama department.

Just for the record, I honestly just want people to see the two sides of the coin is all. I have no anger, bitterness, or resentment anymore. If anything, it's sadness that we've all grown apart...or rather, I've grown apart from them. In my anger and frustration, I've always vented "I give up!" in terms of trying...how funny for me to hear that she has given up on me! I didn't even know she was trying in the first place... I don't wish them any ill will- on the contrary, I wish for their happiness and success in all that they do. To me, this is the prime example of friendships that come and go in and out of our lives, but I have no regret to all those years we spent together. There just comes a time when people have to make choices and deal with the consequences that follow. I've made mine and they've made theirs.