You unimaginable bastard! I've no words to clearly convey how appalled I truly am. What fucking nerve you have to consciously break those girls' hearts! In your mind, you probably think that you are doing them a favor, staying away with that out of sight, out of mind mentality, but guess again shithead? You have wounded them in one of the worst possible ways where they will carry the knowledge that you are what you are- a liar. I know that you're a believer that blood is thicker than water. Whatever happens, they will always be your blood, but blood or not, you've let them down and that is how they will remember you. What did they ever do to be rewarded with such selfishness? You had no right to be careless with their hearts...how dare you! How could you live with yourself knowing the damage you've done? You were careless with my heart once before and I was a damn fool to give you chance after chance to show me that you had changed. You changed alright...for the worse.

You are a definite runnerup for the asshole of the century award and if there were something higher than that, or in this case, lower, you'd get it. Your carelessness, stupidity, lack of respect for yourself and others have caused so much pain. Do you rejoice in that? You are so fucked in the head because you were willing to gamble with the emotions of the most innocent people who love you, who stood by you, who stood up for you, and who would do anything for you. But you know what? You gambled an unlucky hand....you went all in and you lost everything. And what are you left with now?

Life is all about choices. No one in this world is perfect. We are all bound to make mistakes, some over and over again. But the lesson is to learn from those mistakes. You? Nah, not you. You don't like to take shit from anyone. You don't like it when other people point out what went wrong because you can't stand being wrong....hell, you're a grown-ass man, right? That's what you're always saying! But if you were half the man that I thought you were, you wouldn't be in this pathetic situation that you're in. Instead of trying to dig yourself out, you'd rather keep digging in. And you know why? It's because it's the only way you know how. Keep running away from your problems and your responsibilites...the farther away, the better. In time, people will forget all the shit you did and all the heartache you caused...or so you believe.

The truth always comes out, mutherfucker...ALWAYS. You can hide from it, but it will seek you out.

I went to church yesterday and I prayed for you. There was one key point that stood out and resonated: "Everyone is best served when you are you."

Basically it comes down to this- when God was doing His thang, creating the world and such, He already had a vision of what the world should look like and WHO and WHAT His children would be. He's known all along the person who you'd become. We do a disservice to God, to yourself, and to others when we are not who we should be. I am a firm believer that He wanted us all to be good...and because He loved us so much, He gave us free will to make our own choices. You can choose to be a good person or not. You can choose to love or not. You can choose to lie or not. You can choose to make better choices...or not.

You have chosen otherwise and now you have to deal with the consequences. Just when I think you can't fuck up anymore, you do. And boy, do you disappoint!

You have left me speechless yet again...and my heart breaks, but not for you. I cry for the pain you've caused to the most undeserving...and yet, I rejoice that they finally know the truth. I hope that everyone will come to know the scum of the earth that you are.

INSPI(RED)

You ever see those shirts at GAP with the advertisement slogan of "Do the RED thing"? It's basically a way for GAP to help raise awareness and money to help people in Africa who are affected by AIDS. They will donate half of the proceeds to AIDS organizations and at the same time, create all these opportunities for people out there to make these shirts. Out of the ones that I have seen so far (and according to a GAP sales associate, different ones will continue popping up), I dig the ones that say "DESI(RED)", "TREASU(RED)", "EMPOWE(RED)". I have yet to buy one, but "INSPI(RED)" is the one that I would like to get for myself because that is exactly how I've been feeling.

There's been so much going on in my life that oftentimes, it's been overwhelming to the point of exhaustion. I've been refusing to let my piles of papers consume all of my time and as a result, I've been able to do other things...things that are enjoyable, fun, and keep me sane. Even if it means watching that movie (until 1am), playing the piano, going online (because I can!), reading (to the wee hours of the morning), going to the beach (until the sun sets), catching up with old friends (and eating way too much), and of course, hanging out with the family. It's been so refreshing to do so. BUT, as it is, all of that ends up kicking me in the ass because I end up attacking my piles of papers the night before and as a result, exhaust myself to no end. Yes, yes, I know about budgeting my time, everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah...I just need some practice. PLUS...(and this is such a lame excuse), I've less than TWO MONTHS of school left. Don't even get me talking about spring fever and being queen procrastinator here... Anyways, back to my point- being INSPIRED. Here are just a few things that I have been inspired to do...and WILL DO (as God is my witness)...in no particular order. Some will happen sooner than others, but these are a few of my goals.

*Go back to school and get my credential.
- I've been discouraged for a long time. I feel that I have wasted so much time and money. While I was in Minnesota, I studied my ass off to maintain that 3.9 GPA. That's all I did and by golly, I surprised even myself for doing the best academically than I've ever done. I took the required state tests to become licensed to teach in MN, but with my return to the Bay, those tests, unfortunately, do not carry over. With CA being CA, there are newer tests that keep popping up and as it is, I have a hard time keeping track of what the latest is. It's been so long since I've taken a class and with THREE units shy of earning my Masters in Education, I've lost the will to start over...because that's what I'd have to do in order to get credentialed in CA. I told myself that I do not have the money or the time to do school again. I was done.

But here is where I have changed my thinking.

The other day, Ethan's Mommy and I went to the middle school/high school site to visit a teacher friend of ours. Not too familiar with that campus, we were left to wander around. As we did so, we stared running into many of our old students. For many, the last time I saw these kids was when they were in 3rd Grade...but to now see them as 7th and 8th Graders, to see how tall they've grown, to hear how deep the boys' voices have gotten, to see the physical changes and even maturity levels, blows me away. I saw so many familiar faces and I had to stop some and ask them what their names were. They'd look at me and say, hey, you look familiar, too! But it was my own students that gave me that feeling of pride as I saw them. Even though it may have been four years or so since I've seen them, I could easily call them by first name and last name ( I have a good memory!).

I ran into two particular students of mine and when I called them by name, they acted so surprised! By now, they were about my height, looked more mature-looking, had a little acne that comes with growing up, a fuller chest, and of course, the bubbly attitude. After talking with them, giving them hugs, and saying my goodbyes, I heard them talking behind me as I walked away,

"I can't believe that she still remembers us!"

I saw a younger sibling of another student of mine and I asked about her sister. Both were such genuinely sweet girls and right off the bat, I could tell nothing has changed. Coincidentally, I have known the older sister since she was in 1st grade! (Wow...have I been there that long?) Knowing some of these kids since they were 5 years old and to see them as 11-12 year-old amazes me...and it gives me that sense of pride that even in some small way, I had a hand in helping shape that kid's mind (hopefully!).

Seeing my former students and seeing much they have grown has inspired me to go back to school. I have always said that it's been great to be back working here after being gone so long, but at the same time, I looked at it as just a stepping stone. Now, I'm not so sure. It's the students that drive me; it's the students that push me; it's the students that inspire me to do and be better...and that is why I am going to go back to school.

*Moving out.
-With the big D coming to a close, it's time I spread my wings and learn how to fly. I have been so blessed to have such a supporting family- my parents, and my sister and her family. Through their love and good graces, I have been able to live with them with no questions asked and have been able to start getting my life in order. I always joke and tell people that I am homeless, but really the truth is, I've been rich to have two homes to go back and forth from. Maybe in a lot of ways, I feel like I've overstayed my visit. Going back and living in the house where I was born and raised has been surreal and oftentimes, depressing. It's true- once you move out of your parents' home, it's always hard to go back. It's involved a lot of swallowing of the pride, but I did it, AND I am so very thankful for it.

People tell me that I am crazy for wanting to move out because as it is, it will help me secure my finances with the big D and all that I've had to endure. BUT, in order for me to really deal and move on, moving out will seal the deal, so to speak. It will serve as the ultimate in allowing me to get over everything AND to know that I was able to do it ON MY OWN. This is a big step for me, but I'm ready.

*Travel the world.
- All money (or lack thereof) aside, I've always wanted to travel. I think it stems from the fact that my parents took us on vacations when we were younger and I was exposed to seeing what was out there already. It comes as a surprise to me when I meet people my age who have never ventured out of their city. It sounds snobby, but I guess I never thought about how lucky I was to be able to go on cruises, family vacations, road trips, etc, whereas many of my friends did not. My parents had a plan in mind - travel early when they still can. They have been fortunate to travel around the world and visit countries that I can only hope to see one day. Their pictures are a treasure because they have seen places that have now changed due to political strife, global warming, and war. It's amazing.

Now that I am single (whew! yes, I can finally say that!), I am free to do a lot of things on my own. Not that I couldn't do so when I was married, on the contrary! While I was attached, we were able to do and see many things as well, but now is different. I don't have to worry about anyone else's vacation time from work, no one else's money concerns, no one else's diversions of where to go- just mine. It's such a liberating feeling and dammit, it's so freakin' empowering and awesome! So yes, people, I look forward to the many places that I will visit and venture out to on my own.

*Become a Missionary.
- There has been a call in my heart to go on a mission trip, to go to another country and share the love of God. This is not something recent, in fact, there has been an inkling of a feeling to go since I was in Minnesota. But that inkling was way too small for me to act upon it. When I came back to CA, there was a call for volunteers at my old church to go and again, I felt a tug on my heart. Again, I did nothing. At work, a group of church members organized a two-week mission trip to Thailand and upon their return, there were so many heart-warming stories that touched me. Even more, a couple friend of mine were called by God to return on their own and do more work. In the months that they were there, they gave of their time and talents to work with orphaned children, to help organize events, and to just be a loving presence to them.

Now if you're like me, you have heard stories of missionaries being killed in third world countries because of the work they do. Missionaries sharing God's love in an unfriendly God nation is dangerous, no doubt, but looking past all of that, there are so many benefits and rewards. As a 3rd Grade teacher, I tell myself that if I reach and make a difference to one child, all of my efforts will have been worth it. Being a missionary is the same thing. If you could reach one more person for God, it will be worth it.

In a fearful and selfish way, I thought that inkling would be just that. But the desire to go just grows. I am not confident in my knowledge of Bible and "God-stuff" to be sure that I would even make a difference, but a friend of mine reminded me yesterday that "God uses the weak" in many ways.

I do not know whether I will go anytime soon, but in the meantime, I am inspired to quench my thirst for more knowledge in my faith. I want to make a difference by sharing the love of God to those who don't know Him and hopefully, inspire others to do the same.

Who Could've Made a Difference?

So many senseless acts of violence happen in the world every day and all of them, each and every one, could have had been prevented. But we rarely ever think about what could've been done to avoid such tragedies until it is too late. And then we are left with questions, we are left confused, we are left with that lost feeling of why.

Cho Seung-Hui was lonely, angry, and very disturbed. I refused to watch his taped manifesto because I didn't want to hear the hate in his voice and have it imprinted in my head. We are now finding out that he had been released from a psychiatric facility and that in the past couple of years, he was already exuding red-flag behavior. We are also finding out that when he was younger, he was teased for being shy and taunted for his accent.

Could someone have done something to comfort him during those early years? Yes. Could someone have tried to befriend him and stand up for him against the bullies of his youth? Definitely. This makes me question the extent of our responsibility towards others. We know the difference between right and wrong, but how many of us would step up and actually do something to right those wrongs? No one wants to get involved; no one wants to get hurt.

The Virginia Tech tragedy has been declared the deadliest shooting in U.S. history. This incident has left a deep wound in heart and I cry alongside so many others. As a teacher of primary students, I'm left second-guessing on whether I am doing my part. I look at my kids and wonder how I can be a better-everything to them. And then I cry some more because the reality of these 8-9 year-old kids include events such as terrorist attacks and school shootings. My responsibility to my students is to first assure their safety and second, to help them understand and make sense of it all.

It's times like this that test our faith; it's times like this when we TURN to our faith. People are quick to ask and question why God would allow such tragedy...why such good people are taken from us before their time.

No one has those answers. We only need to put our trust and faith into our God that everything happens in His time. Surely He has a bigger plan for all those who were killed. And for us left behind, there are many lessons to be learned. No one anticipated for this angry, Asian kid from South Korea to grow up and go on a shooting rampage...of course not. But are we ignoring the signs that point to a troubled mind? Are we quick to dismiss unusual behavior due to our lack of understanding or do we refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem in the first place? Do we nonchalantly decide that it is "just a phase" in hopes that the child will simply grow out of it?

A friend of mine at work made the following comment, "There's just too much sin in the world." Yes, it's everywhere...and if we need to be technical about it, WE are all sinners (..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"....Rom 3:23). A note was found in her classroom and when she repeated the contents of that note, I was in utter shock. Shocked not in the fact that a note was passed/found, but shocked to learn that a couple of 3rd Graders were so angry about something that they used almost every cuss word to describe a teacher who had reprimanded them. I'm not so naive to think that these kids wouldn't know cuss words- they do! They all watch movies that are inappropriate and many times, the parents are not there to supervise and to talk about what was shown, etc. Could this make a big difference? Hell yes.

The Virginia Tech shootings have been a huge topic of discussion in my class, but I'm careful not to overdo it. My one hope is that the lesson they learned from all of this nonsense is that it only takes one thing to make a difference- one kind work, one invitation to play, one shoulder to cry on, one hand to hold, one thank you, one please, and even one smile- all of these things WILL make a difference in someone's life...perhaps in that one lonely, angry, and disturbed individual.

I pray for the victims' families and friends who are mourning the loss of their loved ones. I pray that God comforts their hearts and allows for healing to take place. My thought and prayers for us all...

R-E-W-I-N-D

So many people are asking how I spent my 33rd birthday...that's right, 33rd! Damn proud and ain't ashamed to say it...unlike a particular Pinay I know who tends to fib on things like age and race. I'm sorry, girlfriend, you are Pinay through and through and all of the Japanese lessons on language and culture will never change the blood that flows through your veins...even if you did get some work done on your face. And girlfriend, just for the record, don't bother sending me a message via Friendster to "wish me well" because while you were in your I'm-too-successful-to-have-coffee-with-you stage, I wrote you off a long time ago.

Whew! A bit of a rant there...my bad! Moving on...

Oakland Zoo

As I might've mentioned earlier, I wanted to keep the birthday low-key, but my family wasn't having any of that. I spent the day at the Oakland Zoo- a first for me! Not quite sure what these Giant Tortoises were up to...one of 'em seemed intent on trying to climb the wall. It was freaky to watch after a bit because all you could see was its rubbery neck contort here and there. The one behind it? Shoot...I don't know either. It was like a follow the leader thing...


The lil' arses up in the air were too cute to pass up on!




Most Unforgettable Moment: Joining the crowds of people to see the Aslan, we heard a little kid's voice break out into song- "....in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight...."

Theme of the day: As the kiddies oooohed and ahhhhhed, BruthaMan and I were dumbstruck by the fact that many of the fences or gates to many animal exhibits were low. Low, as in, what is stopping that animal from jumping over?! "....you know, if I was *insert animal here*, I'd take a running start from the back over there and jump over the enclosure and escape." This was said in reference to the lion, the African elephants, the giraffes, the eland...it was bad enough that there was a monkey hanging from the trees above us...ABOVE US! Lord knows what I would've done if that monkey decided to drop down among the crowds below him!


Coolest part of the zoo: there's a tram that takes you high above the zoo grounds to get a different perspective. Think Disneyland, back in the da day, type of tram. Aside from being up there, the freakiest part was when we were directly above the lion's den. Okay, so there were nets above the lions' heads, but really, say someone were to fall on top of the nets, what is going to stop Simba and friends from tearing you to pieces? A little net? I think not!

Freakiest part of the zoo: I will not count the Insect Zoo because, well, it's a given that I don't do well around creepy crawlies. I have to say that I was intrigued by the bat enclosure for a bit...until I saw how huge they were up close! Seeing them hang there wasn't too bad...but once they started moving around with that funky grip of theirs, of course all upside down, was too much for me. Bats will always make me think of Ace Ventura's "bat guano", but evenso, those creatures are definitely not ones to cuddle up with late at night.

Overall, the day was a nice treat. It was fun to do something, even if I originally didn't want to. I got to go out, get some exercise ('cuz it was a lot of walking...uphill, no less!)and hang out with the fam. Thanks BruthaMan, Bina, and Nico for taking me!

Birthday Eats

In a week's time, I think I've seriously gained some weight. As loved as I felt to have spent time with friends and family, whom I haven't seen in a while, I think it's time to start walking again!

Leave it to my Foodie Friends to bring me to restaurants I've never been! I met Mrs. Voodoo in Potrero Hill area, ate at a Chinese place called Eliza's, and afterwards, browsed a small local bookstore. A few days later, I headed with Mrs. Weekender to Noe Valley and dined at Lupa.

Forgot the name of this appetizer, but wrapped inside this thin layer of meat is a sweet, juicy pear dabbed with goat cheese. It was a very interesting dish that made for a unique and surprising taste. The texture of the combined elements- sweet fruit and meat- had me eating slowly, but again, it was surprisingly pretty good. Not too sure if I'd get it again, but glad to have tried it nonetheless.

It's inevitable that I must have my filipino food- mainly, TOCILOG at Ling Nam's. I finally got to hang out with buds, J and Rho- this is only after talking about it since my return to CA in 2005. Egads we suck! Nevertheless, we got to hang out for dinner after I attended a fundraiser for the Asian American Studies department of my former alma mater. Being back at SF State is always a stroll down memory lane, but to be among the young college crowd made me feel old. The evening featured a performance by the Grand Avenue Follies (go read up on it on J's blog). Thanks you two...and J, it's about freakin' time you were outta there! (j/k...you know i'm proud of you!)

Firemarshall J and my twin, RhoRho



Met up with lil' bro for some Japanese at Kamameshi's in South San Francisco. Even though it's Japanese, it's run by practically all Filipino. Also, it never fails, you are bound to run into someone you know there- can't get away from it!

Lastly, got some good Italian grub at Old Spaghetti Factory in San Jose with BFF and hubby. You can't go wrong with pasta! Since it was a weekday, the restaurant wasn't crowded at all, which got me wondering why, when we ordered dessert, that it took 5 people to bring three dishes of ice cream. Well wouldn't you know it, BFF went behind my back and told them it was my bday! Talk about embarrassing! Not only did the wait staff not sing that well, but hell, I've never been good at this whole attention thing. Egads....but to BFF and hubby, thanks for dinner! (and Sha, I will never let you live down the Giants game incident....)



'Twas a great week of celebrations, get-togethers, lil' surprises, lots of laughter, lots of stories, and whatnot. It was awesome to catch up with friends whom I haven't seen for days. Thanks to all who came out despite your busy schedules- it means a lot. Let's do it again soon!

Got a couple more stories to tell, but I'll save it for later...
Love and peace ya'll...

iPod bLiss



Now if I could only figure out how to use it! Lol! Talk about one of the nicest surprises for my birthday...

Quick Note from MnM

Hi all...been enjoying my break from the lil' kiddies...and seeing that it was my Placenta Day (I know, sounds gross, but I just heard the term recently), I have been meeting up with friends, having dinner & coffee, and catching up. 'Tis been the one of the best birthdays, especially for someone who really wanted to keep this one low-key...you people. LOL! Thanks to all for coming out and helping me celebrate (all week!). Pics to come later...

Power of the Cross

I don't know why people call is "Good Friday" when it was the day that Jesus was sentenced to death. As wonderful as it has been to meet up with friends, I have not forgotten what this week symbolizes in the Christian faith. If you've never seen Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, I totally recommend it...even if you're not a church goer or don't even believe in God. When I was younger, I've always known the story- Jesus was born to a virgin, grew up, performed countless miracles, lived and loved like no other, paid the ultimate price by dying on the cross and rising from the dead to save US from sin. The stories were always there from the beginning. But when I saw it portrayed on the big screen, albeit it is still someone's interpretation of what might've happened, it resonated with me in so many ways. To see Jesus's pain and suffering was honestly too much to bear and I remember sobbing (not crying...) in the theaters along with all the other patrons. I watched it on Holy Saturday the year it came out...talk about powerful stuff.

In any case, it didn't seem right to post about my birthday get-togethers today, so instead, I bring you a video from HappySlip. I've posted a video of this talented Pinay from New York before, but she continues to amaze me. Below is an original song that she composed...she writes, she sings, she plays...dang girlfriend, is there anything creative you canNOT do??? I've also attached the lyrics down below.

Happy Easter everyone- love and prayers to you all....



Your Love
by Christine

When I try to look elsewhere or in others
I lose myself
For my life is nothing without you
My Creator

You give me meaning
You give me purpose
I find my destiny in you oh God

How wide
How long
How high and how deep
Is your love oh Lord

Unless the Lord builds this house
I will build in vain
I will sink in the sand
But I choose to stand on you
The Rock of my Salvation

You give me meaning
You give me purpose
I find my destiny in you oh God

For when I fall
When I fail
You pick me up
And Hold me in your arms

Oh Lord my God
Reedemer and my Friend
You’re the Alpha, Omega
The Great I am
And I give my all to you

How wide
How long
How high and how deep
Is your love oh Lord

I die to myself
So that you might live in me oh Lord
All the days of my life
Shine through me
Oh God of who I am
Oh God of who I am

Mini Shout-out
**BFF...Happy 32nd Birthday, girlfriend!**