I have EVERY right to be upset right now.

I specifically told you "no" to your question and yet, you still did it anyways. What makes you think it's okay? Seriously???

You have no idea what goes through my mind, but let me shed some clarity on the situation. I have been "warning" you that I get into this holiday funk every year...I tell you so that weird and awkward moments could be avoided. It's not that I'm giving you an excuse for my bitchiness, but at the same time, a little bit of understanding on your part would be fabulous. I'm already giving you a heads up that I may not be the best company to be around with during this time of year. I've even further explained WHY. I've opened myself up to you and you even witnessed one of my really bad days.

For me, it was one thing on top of the other- the busyness of work, the lack of sleep, the physical exhaustion taking its toll on my body, and yes, the holidays. I'll be the first to say that yes, it IS psychological. It's all in my mind....and how I deal with it oftentimes includes a lot of crying.

You came home and I had to acknowledge that you dropped off those Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes for me. I was grateful. My schedule did not allow me to do so and you stepped up to make sure it was taken care of. But you noticed that I had been crying....in fact, I had been crying nonstop for a couple of hours already. For me, I get easily distracted at what the reason for my initial crying started as....because as the crappy and pitiful feeling comes over me, all of the other crappy and pitiful feelings emerge from deep within. Really, it was just a bad day where I honestly did not have control of the tears.

You saw me and I could tell right away by the look in your eyes that you were concerned. It was sweet, but you kept pushing it. You wanted to comfort me and hug me, but I didn't want any of it. But somewhere along the way, the touch of your warm hugs made me surrender and I let you hold me. You held me as I cried...and it felt good to let it out, but in a lot of ways, it was still so very painful. Painful because YOU are part of the reason why I am crying.

That is why I've been feeling so conflicted lately. YOU have been having better days...perhaps it's due to the combination of therapy, medication, and your family supporting you...but to you, everything is just fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. That's how you put it. But you know what? Not to burst your bubble and not to squash any progress you've made thus far, you are NOT fine. I think in a lot of ways, you've more or less begun to control your emotional feelings to a point where it doesn't keep you up to the wee hours of the morning and where your mind isn't debating on what to do anymore. But this physical feeling of being fine has given you this false sense of confidence where you feel that you can take on the world. Don't get me wrong...I think that's great. BUT, it's very difficult for me to take in because I've seen how you've been for a long time and this transition into the new you has thrown me for a loop.

While you're feeling fine, I'm at that point in the year where I do NOT feel fine. I feel like shit all the time. I begin to ache for something that I haven't had in a long time and the building desire of that pains me. But you don't understand it. You see me when I'm sad and crying; you want to fix that and make the sadness go away...but the thing is? You can't.

The other day, you told me that I do not understand how YOUR situation or how YOU are feeling; I told you that you do not understand MINE. Because of the few relationships that you've had, you've always confessed that perhaps, there is not a lot that you understand about them. Yet, I've always believed that it doesn't matter HOW MANY relationships you've had, heartbreak is heartbreak. Whatever the situation is that we've found ourselves in the past, a broken heart still equals a broken heart.

BUT...I will pull rank for a quick second to prove a point. Yes, I have been in many relationships and while I am far from understanding them 100%, I've learned many lessons along the way. For one, the relationships that I had in high school and early college years can NOT be compared to relationships today. Looking back, one can't truly justify his or her actions from long ago. There was a lot of growing up, there was a lack of life experience, and really, that is how we grow up....by experiencing things along the way.

I've told you that I've been loved and I've been dumped. I shared that I was used and I was cheated on. I even told you that I continued to love even when lie after lie was revealed. But love makes you do stupid things, doesn't it? In all of these situations and relationships, there was a lot of crying, a lot of misunderstanding, and a lot of pain.

But here's the life lesson here.

Just because you've been hurt in the past relationship doesn't mean that you will get hurt in the next one. But BECAUSE you were hurt and were wronged, that experience has changed you and in so many ways, cautions you not repeat the same mistakes you did in the past. Yes, you were hurt...but your biggest mistake was believing that I would hurt you in the same way your ex-wife hurt you. We've all been hurt before. But we can't carry those hurts into the next relationship; else, it will fail. When two people decide to enter a new relationship, I'm not saying that there will be no baggage. There WILL be. AND...as we get older, the more baggage we will have. I'm not saying that we should deny those past hurts. What I'm saying is that you have to let it go in order to start fresh in the new relationship. It's only fair that you give that person the benefit of the doubt. We shared each other's hurts so that we could try and understand each other better...but you never let it go. And if you say that you DID let it go...it was too late.

With all of that said, we all backslide sometimes. During the holidays, I definitely do.

I told you that I wanted to be by myself for Thanksgiving. My plan was to eat my lil' Thanksgiving meal, watch my dvd, and drink up. But you were home. Your family party wasn't until dinner time and so you had some time to work on your modeling kit. I took that as an opportunity for us to build upon this friendship of ours that has appeared to be floundering on and off. I prepared the food and we were able to sit down and eat together. I prayed for us...I thanked God for all of His blessings...and I asked Him to bless our friendship. But that wasn't an indication that I wanted more from you.

I watched "Eat.Pray.Love." last night and I had so many other moments of clarity. The first time that I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book was when I was going through my own painful divorce. I cried as I read the book because I understood her loss and her pain. I felt envious of the journey she took to heal and find herself. That is something that I never got to do! She travels to Italy, India, and to Bali...and in each place, she learns many lessons that help her to recover.

Divorce isn't something that everyone understands unless you, yourself, have gone through it and experienced it. While I am so eternally grateful to my family and to my friends for being there for me, it wasn't always the best medicine for me. The people who offered advice were in happy relationships and marriages. It wasn't until I met friends who've been divorced that I felt connected to the world again. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It is a different kind of hurt that you can't imagine.

In time, the pain subsides and becomes a little less. You begin to find things that make you smile once again. You even meet people who help you smile even more. The moment you let go of some of that hurt is the moment when you begin to live life again. In the movie, the author, Liz, goes to Bali and talks to Ketut, a medicine man/wise man/fortune teller, etc. He tells her that in order to be happy, we have to find balance. Balance between heaven and earth. Balance within my our mind and our hearts. He gives her a picture of a person with four legs....four legs as a reminder to stay grounded. The person has no head, but there are eyes in the middle of the chest...this means that we shouldn't use our head to look out into the world, but to use our hearts instead. In the end, Liz is conflicted and she ended her relationship because she claimed that she could not keep the balance. But Ketut says that sometimes, in order to have balance in love, you have to be unbalanced in other areas. It's the same message...you have to let go in order to move on.

I need to find my balance again. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to take care of me again. It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? But I look around and I know that I'm not getting any younger. I want so much more out of my life and I need to do something about it.

da holidays...

My nights have not been very good lately. I find myself yearning for the comfort of my bed so I could close my eyes and close out the world around me. I've even taken out my nightlight so that my room could be almost pitch black.

In the morning, I find random tissues here and there...and it's not unusual that there are wet spots on my pillow. I've been crying myself to sleep again.

It's not something that I plan. It just happens. Call it what you want....to me, it's the holiday blues.

I'm beginning to get that anti-social bug again. I would rather be locked away in my bedroom than be out celebrating. It's as if I just don't have the energy to be around people right now. At work, I am surrounded by children and at the end of the day, I just want some peace and quiet. On the weekends, I want to unwind my mind....recover, if you will....and prepare for the next week for everything to start its cycle once again.

But it's that time of the year...

Thanksgiving. This was one of my favorite holidays because it meant that the whole family would be gathering together. I remember the first time that I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my family was the year that I got married. After that, I was in Minnesota and the holidays thereafter always left me homesick. Fast forward a few years and I'm back in California....back to where I belonged, but different and empty because of the curveball life threw at me. Because I was at my lowest point, I often felt like a burden to others...I didn't want anyone's sympathy and I sure as hell didn't want anyone's pity. I could not help but feel sad and angry ALL THE TIME.

But somewhere along the way, I began to see that light again. The dark cloud shifted away and I allowed to have some sunshine back in my life. Life was full of pleasant surprises, but like all good things, it ended. But wouldn't you know it? It was around Thanksgiving time. So while I may have many fond memories of this holiday from my youth, the past couple of years have fallen short.

But what sucks about the holidays is that it is a killer cluster: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. There is no reprieve until March!

Why do the holidays suck so bad? It ultimately comes down to one sad reality- I am alone. While having my family is everything to me, it doesn't count in this situation. It's not hard to flashback to the times when I wasn't alone and to the times when I had someone to call my own. It's no secret that I yearn for that again.

There's something missing from my life and I need to find it. I'm not quite sure what it is, but until I do find it, I don't think I can truly be happy just yet.

No More Words, Except These...

I am so completely exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. So much was said last night on your part and yet, when I had something to say, my words went unheard. As soon as I saw this, I decided that I had no energy left within me to make you hear me. I have been doing that for way too long.

I have always tried to make you hear me. You were one of those people who had to hear something repeatedly until you got the message. When what you heard finally registered, it was like hearing it for the first time...when in reality, it's as if I muttered the words thousands of times. I've oftentimes felt like a broken record, the needle skipping and returning to the same spot each time. I was tired of repeating everything from the beginning to the end; the very act sucked me dry.

I seriously thought that perhaps your memory was truly fading, but then you'd surprise me with random and trivial information from weeks and months ago. You wouldn't remember to lock the front door and yet, you would recall a particular comment about something of no particular importance. Your memory drove me nuts, but I tried to be patient with it.

When we began having serious arguments, we would argue about the same old shit. You had this obsession with my past and tried to analyze things that have been long gone from my own memory. You asked me to justify what I did over 10 years ago and when I couldn't, you'd tell me that I should've known better. Well excuse me, O Righteous one, I actually tried to live my life and made mistakes along the way. Isn't that what people normally do? Oh wait, I forget, you lived in a bubble. My bad.

At first, I really thought that our arguments were normal. Getting to know a new significant other, it's all part of it. Finding out their past, that's normal, too...but what's NOT normal is getting obsessed with it when it had absolutely nothing to do with you! Your insecurities were laid out on the table....and I knew from what you've told me about your past, that you didn't want to get hurt again. Your ex-wife cheated on you and you have a hard time trusting people. I get that. More than you know. But know that I never gave you a reason NOT to trust me...in fact, I've ALWAYS been upfront with you about everything. And you know that's the truth.

But you kept pushing it...you had it in your head that I would leave you for someone better. You began comparing yourself to my ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband and you had it in your mind that you would never live up to them. But see here...I never asked you to be like them!

You never gave me enough credit for loving you and you proved to be selfish in more ways than one. Yes, you were the nice guy....but your insecurity, your neediness, your constant need to be validated was too much. If I didn't start the conversation, you'd automatically think something was wrong...nevermind the fact that I had a long day at work. If I didn't hug you, you automatically thought that I've fallen out of love with you or that there was someone else. If I didn't greet you at the door, you would think something was up. All of the things that I was experiencing with you made me feel like I was back in high school! It was all trivial shit! You tell me that you've never had those high school experiences before and that you don't know how to act...yes, our experiences are way different, but the idea that a 30+ year old man didn't know certain things was beyond my comprehension...but again, I was patient.

One of the reasons why I was drawn to you was because we shared something in common. Our marriages did not work. I felt like we were a comfort to each other. It's always good to have someone understand you without needing to explain detail for detail about something. When I was going through my own divorce, the people whom I wanted to turn to the most turned out to be the wrong people. Here they were in happy marriages giving me advice about divorce! No, I couldn't believe that they knew how I felt- how could they? But as I was going through my darkest times pre- and post-divorce, I learned an important lesson....and I wanted to share that with you.

I wanted to let you know that the pain subsides....I wanted to let you know that you CAN live and breathe again....and I wanted to let you know that time really does heal all hurts. But divorce is tricky. I liken it to a scab. First you get cut and you bleed. It's painful and it hurts. Sometimes you feel that the cut is so deep that you'll never recover from it. But it starts to clot and becomes a scab. Some people like me like to pick off my scabs. And you and I know what happens when you do it- it bleeds again. But after a while, you begin to lose interest in the scab and it eventually falls off naturally. Sometimes the cut might've been so deep that it leaves a scar. You can touch the scar...but it won't bleed anymore. It may get achy at times, but it really is just a reminder of how you got hurt, but got better afterwards. Divorce is like that. It's done. It's past. But it'll always be part of your life. It may hurt from time to time as you reminisce how you got cut in the first place, but it will never hurt as bad as it initially did.

As more time passes, the hurt begins to fade...but just like a scab, you have to forget about it and let it heal.

But there's another lesson that I have learned....and it's that you really can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. During my divorce, I didn't want the help. I needed to be on my own. I needed to boycott family functions and just be myself. I wasn't ready to hear advice and I was in no position to start rebuilding my life again. I had too much anger, hurt, and bitterness. But it finally came to the point where it took too much effort to be angry...and when I came to that realization, I knew it was at that moment that I was ready to be helped and comforted.

You? You're not ready. You THINK you're ready. You WANT to be ready, but you're in freakin' denial. And because of this, our relationship suffered. Because you couldn't really deal and face what hurt you in the first place, you carried it into our relationship and made ME deal with it. Sounds unfair, doesn't it?

I wanted to be there for you...I wanted to help you...I wanted to comfort you...and I wanted to be THAT woman that made you realize that it's okay to love again. I wanted to be the one to prove to you that not all women are the same....that I wouldn't hurt you the way your ex hurt you....and that I could make you happy in the ways that she couldn't. But you never gave me enough credit for loving you. Your clear distrust became a burden and it weighed heavily on my shoulders. I didn't want to walk on eggshells for you because I believed that you needed to hear the truth, but perhaps, tough love was too harsh and the wrong way to go.

Choosing to live with you may have been a big mistake, but it was the biggest form of commitment that I could show you. I felt that you needed something "big" from me and this was it. I thought it would be enough to ease your mind, but it turned out that it wasn't. The week we moved in was crazy busy, but we decided to celebrate my birthday anyways....but as I would find out later, you felt uneasy from the very beginning. Here I thought that things were going great...only to find out that they weren't. I can't even remember how many times it felt like we broke up and got back together again. There were so many fights...BIG ones. So big that I felt that our neighbors must've hated me for making such loud disruptions at God-awful hours of the night. Here I thought that moving in with you would make you feel better about our relationship....here I thought that you would feel less insecure....here I thought that we could move forward in our relationship...but I was wrong. Moving into the 2-bedroom caused even more arguments....how could it get worse?

So here we are....three months into our year-lease. We lived together for a total of 8 months and what did we learn? We CANNOT do it!

I started this blog post with something in mind to say, but it's been lost amid all of the rest of the bullshit that I am now remembering. You asked me this morning if I hated you...and I asked you if you wanted me to. You said yes. If that will help you to move on and forward with your life, then okay. You seem to think that I mean the opposite of what I say, but don't get it twisted. You do that with what I say and take things out of context....you misinterpret and you misunderstand, but that's only because you don't give me time to explain...and even when I DO explain, you want it told to you few hundred consecutive times.

So when I have nothing to say, it's only because it's already been said. You want to make things worse? Go right ahead. You want to make things awkward? You already have. You want to put the blame on ME for all the shit that's gone down? Be my guest. I have lost ALL of my patience for this relationship and I have NO energy left. You say that perhaps it's not the guys that I"ve gone out with, but maybe it's ME that has the problem. Maybe something is wrong with ME. Maybe the reason why relationships didn't work out was because of ME. You know what? Maybe it is! But at least I am putting myself out there and TRYING to live life. At least I can make a fucking decision and DO something about it. Your mistake? Your mistake was never really understanding what I went through. That's where you failed. Epicly.

Congratulations for breaking my heart....again. Don't worry about me, though, because it's happened to me before....and just like the excuse you love to use, "I'm used to it."Nevermind the fact that I have done nothing but really try and be your friend....it's just unfortunate that you couldn't handle it. YOU messed up...not me. You'll turn around and say that it will be "easy" for me to replace you. Really? Are you fucking serious? You think that after all of this crap that I've had to go through that I really want to subject myself to this AGAIN? But wait...eventually I will. Eventually, I will open up my heart to love again...and I will do so as if I've never been hurt so bad. 'Cuz I HAVE been hurt. BADLY. That is what I did with you.....unfortunately, it wasn't what you did with me.

Do what you gotta do....ease your troubled mind and keep telling yourself that it was my fault...repeat it over to yourself and tell yourself everyday...do it to help you move forward.

In the end, I'll always know the real truth.

For Me...and only me.

I'm done walking on eggshells for anyone anymore. In fact, I really don't know why I've ever succumbed to writing for anyone else other than me. Perhaps knowing that I had a mini-following built up that pressure to write something, in my eyes, worth reading. I've never doted on myself for being a great writer. There are tons of blogs...no one would take the time to read mine...unless I specifically invited them to do so.

Knowing that that are certain people who visit this site on and off has kept me from writing. Writing has been my refuge. It has allowed me to leave my current shitty state of mind and vent. Whether what came out of that was poetic or whatnot is up to the reader. But I started to censor my true feelings. Why? So I wouldn't hurt someone else's?! Screw that! They don't like what they read, they could move on. Don't visit my blog if you are feeling ultra sensitive about something. I am not here to make you feel better.

That has been a grave mistake on my part. In essence, because I have been "watching what I write," it has just resulted in me being very stressed out and frustrated! I have not had the kinds of "release" necessary for the rest of me to function properly otherwise...and I'm not talking sexual frustration either- lol! When I don't get all of my thoughts down, my mind starts to go crazy. It's as if the thoughts running around in my mind begin to overflow and crowd my brain....maybe that's why I have this frickin' huge headache right now!

From here on out, this is just for me. You may be here for a reason...maybe because you want to genuinely know how MnM is doing, maybe you're bored at work and need a distraction....hell, maybe you need something to make yourself feel better so you thought you'd read up on the "soap opera" that is my life so you can realize that no, your problems are not as bad as you once perceived. Whatever your reasons are, I respect them.

Just do me this one thing and return the favor. You don't have to like WHAT I write. You don't have to like HOW I write. And just know that from here on out, I write for me...and no one else.

Peace.