He Knew...

...that I had to hear the message today. He knew that I would have a hard time getting out of bed because I've only had x-amount of sleep last night. He knew that the reason I couldn't sleep was because of all the things swirling around in my head. He knew how I was feeling...and He wanted me to be okay. And He knew that I would make it to service today.

He knew.

I had a rough night. I've still been feeling the effects of watching the midnight showing of "Twilight" and I've yet to catch up on good, uninterrupted sleep. Saturday was busy- had a first birthday party to attend and then to a performance in Oakland. In so many ways, I've remained "bothered" by other things...nakaka inis sa kanya for reals...and then I wasn't able to get a hold of him, which bugged me. But I decided to make the best of my Saturday evening regardless, yet ended up being on Facebook for hours! I finally logged off (for a bit) and decided to tackle some other unpacking. More specifically, I have this bin full of dvds and books. In fact, I've got boxes full of dvds and books that are just screaming to be taken out, but poor kawawa books have no place to go. I told myself that I would invest in some cool shelves or bookcases...maybe next month.

As I dug deeper into this bin, there it was. I must have known it was there all this time and yet, it was one of those things where I had made myself conveniently forget. Why I decided to pull it out is beyond me. What the f was i thinking...

I got up this morning, not because I wanted to, but because my room had gotten so bright. I had to drag my body out of bed and already, I was debating whether or not I should go to church. I didn't have the energy. But as I made my lil' trek across the bridge, something told me that it was a good thing I was going. Something...

Right off the bat, the praise and worship songs hit me. They spoke straight to my heart and I couldn't help but be filled with all this emotion. And of course, the harder it is to keep it in, the more it wants to flow, right? There was no usual praise band; rather, it was all an acoustic set. As we settled into the service, I took a peek at the program and what the message would focus on today: divorce.

Wow. I stepped into that one. Before the pastor began his talk, there was a brief drama presentation. Two women, one sharing how she is going to join "the club" and the other one sharing about her latest date.

The Club.

Y'know, there's always been something or other that I've wanted to be a part of...but THIS club? The DIVORCE club? No...never in a million years.

The drama went on quite painfully (for me) because I knew exactly what they were talking about. I saw myself in them and I remembered the heartache all over again. Don't get me wrong...I'm okay. It's been over a year since the big D has been finalized...and it's not that I miss him in that way. I don't have any ill will towards him (anymore) and I say this with all sincerity, I wish ex-hubby well. I really do. But the fact that I was so bothered...that so many emotions welled up inside of me during that mini-drama...bothered me even more.

I know we all have our issues...and it got me wondering if I have truly dealt with mine. It's no secret, but when I was in Minnesota, there were times where I seriously thought I was off my rocker...I thought I was losing it, big time. I thought about therapists...I knew I needed help with my depression and confusion...but I left and came home.

It's been more than 3 years since I've left MN...I miss it sometimes. I miss Woodbury, Minnesota...I miss the great people I met...hell, right now, I'm missing the winter and the snow. After having a white Christmas, Christmas will never be the same again. It was, and always will be, a part of my life. Aside from all of the shit going on in the marriage, I wasn't completely miserable there.

But as I sat through service, a deep knot sat in my stomach...I felt like I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't wait to go home so I could just cry. Just makes you feel better sometimes, right? I felt angry and sad at the same time. Again, it's not that I miss him...but as my sis said, it'll always be there...that part of my life, that is. A friend of mine explained that my marriage/divorce is like a scar...it's healed, but it's definitely left a mark.

I have moved on...happily so. And no, it's not just because I've met an incredible guy. It's because I chose to forgive him and let him go. I held on for too long and my decision to do so hurt me in the end.

Perhaps going to church hit a sore spot had a lot to do with what I found in that bin...all of the letters he ever wrote me. As I stared at the pile, surprised, I noticed a picture sticking out. Curiousity got the better of me...it was a group picture of him, his three daughters, and me...a remembrance of my last summer in MN and of the last visit I had with the girls.

Maybe it doesn't help that everyone is at that point having babies...and I remember at the time that I would've been content being a stepmom to these three girls...I WANTED to be.

Issues, right? Hahaha...I know, I know. Everything happens for a reason...I won't be a hypocrite to the very thing that I believe in, but man, I really miss them. I really would embrace the opportunity to be a mom one day, but ask me at this moment and I'll tell you that it's not in my future...or, I don't think it is. On some days, that reality saddens me...but other days, I am satisfied making it to where I am right now.

Divorce is a bitch...straight up. It's not a club that I'd want anyone to join...and if they did, it's not something to rejoice about. Yes, there is relief to a point, but the reality of how much your life changes is no joke. I do believe that getting a divorce was the BEST thing for me...and I am so much happier. But with any injury that's healed, there will be aches and pains sometimes. Sometimes, you can't quite place the pain and yet, it's there. I guess that's how the past few weeks have been. The music maestro calls is the holiday blues and I agree.

It amazes me how God always knows how to tell you what you need to hear at any particular time. Time is the great healer...and the people in your life are a great comfort, too.

On this Thanksgiving, even tho I opt to spend it all on my own, I truly am thankful...for all of the good and all of the bad.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 states: "Rejoice always, pray continually, and thank God in all circumstances..."

All circumstances...it's hard, but that's what He wants us to do. There's a lesson in everything, isn't there? We all have our good days and bad days...and sometimes, we have more of the other than we'd like...but it's necessary.

One of the messages from the mini-drama that they were trying to convey was that we all have issues...but that we need to truly deal with them before moving on; else, they will manifest themselves into the next relationship. I am confident enough to say that I've learned my lesson and there is no way in hell that I am going to have a repeat episode. Once you've been hurt, you're always cautious...but you still have to take chances in love...and I'd like to think I've found love again. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't worry about years from now...I will just concentrate on the right now. Because the "right now" feels right...

I Slipped...

...and had a moment of weakness. Not only did I think about him, but I allowed myself to feel angry with him all over again, but not for reasons that you think.

Someone had to be blamed for what I was feeling...and so I blamed him.

In case you haven't heard or in the event that you're not a fan of "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer, the movie release is a week away. Did ya'll read about that chaotic hubbub at Stonestown Mall? Yours truly was in the midst of it all...lol! Okay, I take that back, I was in the midst of the crazy, screaming, teenage girls whom I ENVIED because they were able to meet lead character, Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward), and I was not. Boo.

Yes, yes, I AM one of those star-crazy fans, but you won't find me screaming, fainting, and fighting my way through just to see him. I am NOT a stalker! lol! BUT, I did try to stand in the line to get bracelets in the early morning hours...me, a bunch of hyperactive and angsty teens, and their parents. In line, a mom asked me, "Are you line for your daughter?" Sheepishly, I answered, "No actually, I'm in line for ME." That totally sparked a conversation and there was a moment where I looked around and thought, "I am way too old for this!"

But as the excitement ended as the police barked orders at us to "leave the premises, the event has been cancelled," I looked at the faces of so many disappointed fans. Some came from all over the Bay Area; others even came from out of state. This is when I noticed all these kids leaving with their parents and I thought about how that one lady asked if I was here for my daughter. Of course I wasn't...but I could've been.

I thought of his oldest daughter, who is currently in her second year of college, and realized that this is exactly the kind of thing we could've done together. Before I even met her, I knew that she was already an avid reader. In so many ways, she reminded me of myself, except that she was way more studious and talented. I remember the day that I met her and her sister...I was so nervous! I wanted so much for them to like me and accept me. But I would later find that it took no effort to get to know these girls...it was almost as if we knew each other for years. I loved the fact that I shared a love of books with the oldest...that was my connection! I would recommend books and authors, we would discuss stories, and when we did, it wasn't a "daughter/stepmother" relationship; rather, it was more like a friend relationship. I couldn't ask for anything better. The only time I "felt" like a stepmom was with the youngest, who was 6 or 7 at the time. Oh, and when I ran across their blogs, I recall getting that warm fuzzy feeling inside when I read that "Myra is an uber cool stepmom." Wow. I would never have thought...

So I thought about her, our shared love of books, and how if things were different, I probably WOULD have stayed in line for her. Not sure if she is actually into this vampire lovestory series, but knowing how she's just as a romantic as me, I'm almost positive that she is....although she probably would say that her loyalties will ALWAYS be for the Harry Potter series! lol! I pondered on this whole situation and I got upset...then I got bitter...and then, I put the blame on him.

I blamed him because he took that opportunity away from me. I blamed him because he ruined everything. I blamed him because he jeopardized the great connection I had with his children...and as much as I love them, I can no longer be a part of their lives as I had hoped.

The angry feeling festered even more when I returned to the mall later that evening. I watched as teens were escorted into Hot Topic for the autograph signing...and I watched as they giddily came out and ran into the arms of their waiting moms. It was a moment that I wanted...

On the drive home to Foster City, the anger and frustration passed. I knew that it wasn't worth the time or energy...and I had promised myself a long time ago that I would not allow myself to be sucked back into that dark place of anger and bitterness over him.

I have moved on and I am happy. I will always miss those girls. When people ask me if I had children from my marriage, I do tell them that I had three stepdaughters. I love them as if they were my own and I know I always will.