Anniversaries

I can't believe that it's going to be a year since hubby and I made our move out here. It seems like time passed so quickly, but then I'm reminded of that long ass winter in which time seemed to stand still. 'Tis been more than a year already since hubby got his gig out here and a year since we got the keys to our place. How time flies. I find it funny and yet something close to the enjoyment of self-afflicted pain that I'm one to dwell on certain dates, good or bad. Most of the time, it's a pleasant stroll down memory lane to reminisce and do the whole "Remember When's???" Others times, it's being forced back in time to watch a horror movie unfold; it's a broken record that's stuck on the absolute worst part of the song that undeniably sounds like a dying cat. It makes me wonder why I allow myself to indulge in such emotionally questionable behavior, I mean, why do this to myself? Why ride that roller coaster of emotions when at the time, it was the very thing that I wanted to escape the most? Why relive the insanity and chaos of the situation?

I have known people throughout my life who exhaust their efforts to do this very thing. They get so down on themselves that they start to believe that they deserved what happened. No light at the end of the tunnel exists and the burdens upon their shoulders gets heavier and heavier. They are stuck in this unbreakable cycle and since they do not feel capable of feeling happiness, the feeling of acceptance of their "imprisonment" is the best alternative. Others believe that they are alone in the world and that no one can relate to what they're going through. They feel ashamed. They bottle up all of their emotions and keep it to themselves when at the very last moment, they explode and we're left to wonder why.

I would like to believe that I do not fall into any of the aforementioned categories. I would like to believe that with some self-psychoanalysis, I've got a better grip on life to not drive myself crazy with delusions. So why do I relive the worst moments of my life on these "anniversaries?" My answer is simple.

When I look back at the less fascinating moments of my life, I see them as growing pains. A total pain in the ass, but a growing pain nonetheless. I remember how lost, hurt, and utterly confused I felt at the time and see how far I've gotten in life since then. We've all been there. We've been through some serious life-changing sh*t where for the moment, you are perfectly content with wallowing in your own tears and sorrow. Plus, that's part of the healing process. The physical act of crying, venting, lashing out, and hell, eating that pint of ice cream helps make the pain go away. I admit, it's easy to get caught up in the wallowing part the second, third, fourth, or whatever time around, but in all honesty, I see all that sh*t as what makes someone a stronger person...what makes ME a stronger person. It has toughened up my skin. I'm confident that I have learned so much from those moments that there's no way in hell it can repeat itself.

A friend of mine once told me that "after every storm, there's always a rainbow." Though at the time it may not seem like it, the pain subsides and each day becomes bearable again. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. In light of whatever anniversaries I choose to "celebrate" and remember, it's never in regret. I may feel absolute joy and happiness, or I may feel angry and sad. But that's all there is to it. There's so sense of living and being stuck in the past- we have to live for today. If there is anything to regret, it is learning from the mistakes and not doing jack about it. Everything happens for a reason and purpose...even all the bad sh*t we feel and know we don't deserve. I'm a stronger person because of everything I've been through and I'm proud of how high I've held my head.

Happy Anniversary to me and my moments...til next year.