Survivng D-DAY

Today is D-DAY....THE day that should've put me in the foulest mood...THE day where it should've gotten worse with each passing second...THE day where I should've been crying my eyes out...THE day where all the stupid drivers in the city decide to drive in front of me...well, ok, I'll give it that...that DID happen!

D-DAY.

I expected myself to be upset, sad, frustrated, depressed, PO'd to the nth degree...maybe I anticipated it too much.

D-DAY.

What the hell am I talking about???

Today, August 22, 2007, is THE LAST DAY where I could've been able to retrieve all of my personal belongings back at my house in Minnesota. Because it has gone into foreclosure, we were given a six-month window to take back our stuff.

My "stuff" translates to everything I've ever owned since I was a baby. Yes, a baby! As in, pink booties that my mom had saved after all these years. Or how about the Valentine cards that I saved from kindergarten...hell, it doesn't matter that I don't remember everyone in my class, but damn, c'mon...kindergarten! There's the letters from grade school that Mommy Hernandez and I used to write each other...things I've saved from grade school, high school, and college...my Precious Moments collection (some pieces are already "retired" which means they don't make that particular piece anymore...)...ALL of my photo albums throughout the years (and ya'll know that I had HELLA!)...ALL of my books (I had a HUGE LIBRARY!)...DVDs...furniture...kitchen stuff...my nice-ass mountain bike...ALL of the school materials/resources that I've accumulated through the years (and we're talking about a few thousand dollars worth...)...my original Kim Taylor Reese piece that was personally autographed by the artist himself...and EVERYTHING that I've accumulated throughout the five years I would've been married on top of the already years of history and memories that I lugged to MN.

When I see it all in writing, it really does make me want to cry. Shit.

But stuff is stuff, right? I mean, most are material things that can easily be replaced...haha, easily if I had the funds, but let's not even go there because I've found that divorce is quite expensive...but hell, I should be happy to be back in California. And I am. I've got my family, friends, job, my health...I've got all that I need to move on. Most importantly, I've got my God who's been the rock that I need to stand firm and be strong.

This day has been looming...I've dreaded it, I've talked crap about it, and like I mentioned earlier, perhaps I've anticipated the day way too much. Some may wonder...WHY didn't MnM go back and get her stuff? WHY didn't MnM make it happen? In fact, some generous folks had offered to fly out with me to Minnesota and make it happen, but due to some "obstacles," it wasn't meant to be. It's literally out of my hands.

But today, I made up my mind. Today, D-DAY, is the day that I exhale. I've been offered the advice of "letting it go" time and time again, but man, talk about easier said than done. To let go of EVERYTHING I've ever owned sucks....and what sucks even more is the fact that I could've gotten it back...

...if only I had gotten the keys that I was promised.

It should've been a simple task. Get the keys. Fly back to MN. Get my stuff. Pack a U-Haul. Drive back to CA. Done.

But things happen for a reason...and this wasn't meant to be.

I've learned a really tough lesson here. First of all, I've learned that no matter how many times my heart breaks, it WILL heal. I can't even quite describe in words what it feels like, but to me, I feel empty inside...it's as if the joy and love is sucked out. Then I become nauseated, but the only remedy for that is crying. But y'know what? I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of all of the random moments when the tears come...I feel that my situation has had enough. Just when I feel that I'm all cried out, it never fails.

I've also learned that it's such a burden to be angry and bitter...and I've been angry and bitter for way too long. It's a burden that I no longer want to carry. There's this domino effect happening here. It's all a jumbled mess that even I can't organize together, but because of the anger I am harboring inside, I feel that it hinders me from doing other things. Those other things include being a good teacher and just trying to be a good person overall. I've mentioned that I've thought about doing mission work...it's calling to me, but I'm scared that I'm not worthy enough to do the job well. Do I feel that way because of how I'm dealing with the divorce? How could I share the love of Christ to others when I, myself, cannot bring myself to forgive the ones who have sinned against me? Do you see what I'm getting at?

I don't want to be angry anymore. I really want to forgive and move on. Again, easier said than done, but very POSSIBLE. So many people say that if they were in my shoes that forgiveness wouldn't be an option, but to that I say, it HAS to be. I don't want to go through life being bitter about how my life could've been. Yes, I have been moving on, but with lots of complaining and feeling sorry for myself. For a long time, I was having "Ally McBeal syndrome"....lol...one of my ultimate fave shows in which the main character, Ally, feels that perhaps she is supposed to go through life alone. I thought that a failed marriage was like having this huge red X on my forehead. That was and is the hardest thing to swallow.

Times like these, I swear I wish I was seeing a shrink!

As I sit here and type this post, my heart is beating a million miles a minute...and no, it's not because I ran 2 miles today (which I'm SO PROUD of!). It all comes down to this...I need to let it all go, not only my belongings back in Minnesota, but the anger as well. I need to focus on the bigger picture and what I am called to do. It takes a lot of effort to be angry, but it's so easy to love.

In this case, I want to take the easy way out.