My Gut Feeling

I can't shake it. My mind is jumbled and my heart is racing a million times a second. My body is tense and my stomach is in knots. I have goosebumps and my hands need some warming up. I can't put my finger on it, although I have a good idea on what is making me feel ill all over. And I do feel ill due to nervous nausea and so I chew some gum abnormally fast to get that jittery feeling out. I hate this feeling...this feeling of dread and unease...the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

I had the nightmare again this morning. The same one where something, an unseen force, is pinning me down and I am frozen in fear. No words escape my mouth. I struggle in this physical match that I know I will lose each time...and when I wake, my body is sore. I woke up afraid, and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, my eyes played tricks on me. With every effort, I turned on the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling as I waited for my heart to stop pounding in my ears. I could slowly feel the paralysis in my legs disappear and regain circulation. I was scared...but even moreso, I was angry. Why was I having this dream again? What does it mean?

So many things have been on my mind this past Thanksgiving weekend...some, probably unnecessary; others, maybe downright deserved. It comes down to one thing and that is not knowing. It's a feeling of insecurity that feels warranted by one fact too many. Inadequacy follows with self-doubt and now, you're just one shitty mess.

But why this nightmare? Why now? Why when the last time they kept recurring had to do with my relationship with the ex-hubby. What the hell does it mean? Or maybe it really doesn't mean anything at all and I am making myself mentally crazy.

Or maybe the damn fumes of the hair coloring is affecting my thinking and my sense of reality? Wtf? Whatever the case, I don't mess with gut feelings...because in the past, I've usually been right. Let's hope that this is some stupid coincidence and that maybe I'm really not in touch with that sixth sense as much as I'd believe.

I can't breathe...this bites...