He Knew...

...that I had to hear the message today. He knew that I would have a hard time getting out of bed because I've only had x-amount of sleep last night. He knew that the reason I couldn't sleep was because of all the things swirling around in my head. He knew how I was feeling...and He wanted me to be okay. And He knew that I would make it to service today.

He knew.

I had a rough night. I've still been feeling the effects of watching the midnight showing of "Twilight" and I've yet to catch up on good, uninterrupted sleep. Saturday was busy- had a first birthday party to attend and then to a performance in Oakland. In so many ways, I've remained "bothered" by other things...nakaka inis sa kanya for reals...and then I wasn't able to get a hold of him, which bugged me. But I decided to make the best of my Saturday evening regardless, yet ended up being on Facebook for hours! I finally logged off (for a bit) and decided to tackle some other unpacking. More specifically, I have this bin full of dvds and books. In fact, I've got boxes full of dvds and books that are just screaming to be taken out, but poor kawawa books have no place to go. I told myself that I would invest in some cool shelves or bookcases...maybe next month.

As I dug deeper into this bin, there it was. I must have known it was there all this time and yet, it was one of those things where I had made myself conveniently forget. Why I decided to pull it out is beyond me. What the f was i thinking...

I got up this morning, not because I wanted to, but because my room had gotten so bright. I had to drag my body out of bed and already, I was debating whether or not I should go to church. I didn't have the energy. But as I made my lil' trek across the bridge, something told me that it was a good thing I was going. Something...

Right off the bat, the praise and worship songs hit me. They spoke straight to my heart and I couldn't help but be filled with all this emotion. And of course, the harder it is to keep it in, the more it wants to flow, right? There was no usual praise band; rather, it was all an acoustic set. As we settled into the service, I took a peek at the program and what the message would focus on today: divorce.

Wow. I stepped into that one. Before the pastor began his talk, there was a brief drama presentation. Two women, one sharing how she is going to join "the club" and the other one sharing about her latest date.

The Club.

Y'know, there's always been something or other that I've wanted to be a part of...but THIS club? The DIVORCE club? No...never in a million years.

The drama went on quite painfully (for me) because I knew exactly what they were talking about. I saw myself in them and I remembered the heartache all over again. Don't get me wrong...I'm okay. It's been over a year since the big D has been finalized...and it's not that I miss him in that way. I don't have any ill will towards him (anymore) and I say this with all sincerity, I wish ex-hubby well. I really do. But the fact that I was so bothered...that so many emotions welled up inside of me during that mini-drama...bothered me even more.

I know we all have our issues...and it got me wondering if I have truly dealt with mine. It's no secret, but when I was in Minnesota, there were times where I seriously thought I was off my rocker...I thought I was losing it, big time. I thought about therapists...I knew I needed help with my depression and confusion...but I left and came home.

It's been more than 3 years since I've left MN...I miss it sometimes. I miss Woodbury, Minnesota...I miss the great people I met...hell, right now, I'm missing the winter and the snow. After having a white Christmas, Christmas will never be the same again. It was, and always will be, a part of my life. Aside from all of the shit going on in the marriage, I wasn't completely miserable there.

But as I sat through service, a deep knot sat in my stomach...I felt like I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't wait to go home so I could just cry. Just makes you feel better sometimes, right? I felt angry and sad at the same time. Again, it's not that I miss him...but as my sis said, it'll always be there...that part of my life, that is. A friend of mine explained that my marriage/divorce is like a scar...it's healed, but it's definitely left a mark.

I have moved on...happily so. And no, it's not just because I've met an incredible guy. It's because I chose to forgive him and let him go. I held on for too long and my decision to do so hurt me in the end.

Perhaps going to church hit a sore spot had a lot to do with what I found in that bin...all of the letters he ever wrote me. As I stared at the pile, surprised, I noticed a picture sticking out. Curiousity got the better of me...it was a group picture of him, his three daughters, and me...a remembrance of my last summer in MN and of the last visit I had with the girls.

Maybe it doesn't help that everyone is at that point having babies...and I remember at the time that I would've been content being a stepmom to these three girls...I WANTED to be.

Issues, right? Hahaha...I know, I know. Everything happens for a reason...I won't be a hypocrite to the very thing that I believe in, but man, I really miss them. I really would embrace the opportunity to be a mom one day, but ask me at this moment and I'll tell you that it's not in my future...or, I don't think it is. On some days, that reality saddens me...but other days, I am satisfied making it to where I am right now.

Divorce is a bitch...straight up. It's not a club that I'd want anyone to join...and if they did, it's not something to rejoice about. Yes, there is relief to a point, but the reality of how much your life changes is no joke. I do believe that getting a divorce was the BEST thing for me...and I am so much happier. But with any injury that's healed, there will be aches and pains sometimes. Sometimes, you can't quite place the pain and yet, it's there. I guess that's how the past few weeks have been. The music maestro calls is the holiday blues and I agree.

It amazes me how God always knows how to tell you what you need to hear at any particular time. Time is the great healer...and the people in your life are a great comfort, too.

On this Thanksgiving, even tho I opt to spend it all on my own, I truly am thankful...for all of the good and all of the bad.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 states: "Rejoice always, pray continually, and thank God in all circumstances..."

All circumstances...it's hard, but that's what He wants us to do. There's a lesson in everything, isn't there? We all have our good days and bad days...and sometimes, we have more of the other than we'd like...but it's necessary.

One of the messages from the mini-drama that they were trying to convey was that we all have issues...but that we need to truly deal with them before moving on; else, they will manifest themselves into the next relationship. I am confident enough to say that I've learned my lesson and there is no way in hell that I am going to have a repeat episode. Once you've been hurt, you're always cautious...but you still have to take chances in love...and I'd like to think I've found love again. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't worry about years from now...I will just concentrate on the right now. Because the "right now" feels right...