2008 and the Year It Was...

New Year's Eve 2008. Already?

Like everyone else and their mama, I've been reflecting on 2008 and the year that it was. I don't recall ever saying this, but it was a GREAT year! Perhaps the past SIX YEARS, (holy crap, am I reading that right?!) was spent being jaded that I never really took the time to see how truly screwed up life had gotten. There were one too many times when I seriously thought I was going mental because of the up and down cycle my life had taken. Six years. Wow.

When I think back on 2008, not everything was all sunshine and flowers...there was, of course, the death of my lolo. The end of school last year couldn't come fast enough and will, no doubt, go into my history book as "the worst school year ever." But despite the heartaches and headaches, there is still so much to be thankful for.

I had always believed that finding love (again) was not in my cards. I definitely had Ally McBeal syndrome. There was a time when I thought I had my chance, but I lost. Game over. I started dating...good Lord...and that, in itself, was an experience. I can't even tell you how many 1st dates I went on, but time and time again, it was the same old shit. Guys desperately looking for one thing and lil' ole me, looking for love. And that is why, after a year of torturing myself with "I wonder if he'll call me..." and "Does he really like me?", I decided to give up on the whole dating thing and call it quits. It was fun while it lasted (which wasn't very long...), but it just wasn't for me.

But, as fate would have it, I went on a date (vowing that it would be my last!). And what a pleasant surprise the Music Maestro was! I was captivated by those gorgeous dimples of his and I was even more taken by his wonderful personality. Falling in love with him was inevitable. He is what made my year...

Last year, I made a list of resolutions and I kept it on my desktop as a reminder. I had 12 things on that list! Highly motivated to have 12? Yah, I sure was! Although I didn't get to all 12, I did manage to complete 7 things. Among the 7 included doing another half marathon, reading and writing more, finding a home church, and finding love again.

I still need to work on my list for 2009, but I already have a good idea what will be on it.

My year comes to a bittersweet end...it is not how I would've dealt the cards, but then again, you make do with the hand dealt to you.

I've said this repeatedly, but I am a believer that all things happen for a reason...we may not understand the "whys" and the "how comes" at the moment, but things get set into motion because they are meant to. It's taken me a while to be patient and to try and understand that fact because while you're feeling like shit and just want to hide under a rock, the forces at work are putting other things into place. And it's when you least expect AND when God thinks it's the right time for it to be so, things happen. It's only after time has passed that we are able to look back and reflect...and we finally come to that understanding that we just couldn't see before.

I'm at that point where I'm asking, "Why God? Why now?" And the funny thing that I picture is God listening and hearing me, shaking His head and saying, "In due time, my child, in due time." The hurts we come across in life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Most times, they happen to make you into a stronger person. The pain helps to mold you for bigger and better things to come. Sometimes people just need to be so broken down that the only way they could go is UP. And when you look up, or when I do, I just want to see his face revealed to me. So one of my resolutions for this year (and thereafter) is to put more of my trust in God...it's not an easy thing, mind you, but that is the desire of my heart. I need to trust that whatever path God has led me to that I'm supposed to travel it for a reason. So many time, though, I just wish I had a map to help lead the way...

Maybe that's why God created music...the music speaks to people differently and the words inspire and touch us in unique ways. It always amazes me when I hear particular songs at particular times...as if God wanted me to hear it when I needed to. If I had the time, I'd list the lyrics to all the songs that have spoken to me recently, but this one speaks the loudest at the moment...
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Falling On My Knees
by Kokua

Here you'll find me on my knees and I'm broken, every part of me.
I am calling out, "Lord please, come save me. Come and rescue me."

Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.

Here I'm falling on my knees, overtaken by your majesty.
I am humbled by your grace, it surrounds me, overwhelms me.

Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I need more of you, reveal yourself to me.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
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I am hopeful for the new year. I've always tried to be the optimistic one. I have so many wishes to wish for people...we all have our own dramas, issues, and heartaches to face and deal with- we all need our time and space- and that time is needed to mold us into the individuals that we are MEANT to be.

*My wish for you is that God heals your heart and that you will finally find the comfort you need to move on...know that love and relationships aren't perfect, but that love IS possible again...understand that you are loved by family, friends, and me...and finally, that each day will make the pain hurt less.

A happy and safe 2009 to you...my ever faithful readers. ;-)
Much love always...