Is There Such A Thing...

...as being too optimistic?

As long as I can remember, I've always sought out the best scenarios for situations. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't always like this. I mean, we all go through the worst case scenarios in our head growing up. We tend to think that everything that doesn't go our way is the "end of the world." We over dramatize the minor things and without really meaning to, make them major. We believe that we are the only ones to feel what we feel and that no one, absolutely no one, understands us. But then, you get over the drama....or at least, you try...or at least, you'd like to THINK you did, but then again, you could be wrong...then, that would suck...

We all have our issues. We all have our weaknesses. We all have our quirks, endearments, and what have you. I wonder, sometimes, if being too optimistic is simply mere stupidity. I've often heard people confuse the two. But to be quite honest, with all the shit that I've had to go through, to have gone to hell and back, and to have hit the lowest low in my life, there's no other way to go but UP.

Perhaps one problem with my optimism is that I can easily delve into the fantasy. Sometimes, my mind wanders into the "not quite possible" realm. Analytically speaking, maybe that's just a defense mechanism to protect that part of me that is truly insecure by not dealing with the reality of the situation. Call it wishful thinking...call it the heart's desire....call it what you will.

"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"The cup is half full."
"There's a silver lining in every cloud."

The past few weeks have felt like being stuck in my own personal hell. Thanksgiving was painful and with the Christmas holidays just around the corner, I just can't wait for it all to be over. I'm like Scrouge with the "Bah! Humbug!" attitude. It's awful, I know, but I can't help how I feel. In some ways, I feel that it's inevitable for me to go through this freakin' cycle year after year...but the optimistic side of me is saying (brightly), "It's not as bad as last year." "Look at how far I've come." And just when you think you've gone over that hump, you're hit again with yet another inevitability and all of that optimism is out the door. But you know what? I don't like being a downer. Because no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, there's a reason and a purpose behind it all.

"Everything happens for a reason." That's not optimism...that's just what I believe. Because if I don't have even that, I'd be stuck in the "Why me?" scenario all the time.

So here I am, "Bah! Humbug!" attitude, secretly, but not so secretly, depressed, confused, and sad.....and unbelievably busy preparing for the 3rd Grade Christmas program. I've rehearsed with the drama kids...I practically know the dialogue line by line...and I've been practicing the hand motions to the songs I will be leading. We have stressed the true meaning of Christmas to the children as we do year after year and celebrating the birth of Jesus is simply one of the best things to ever happen. But it wasn't until the other day that one of the songs that the children have been singing repeatedly hit me...it might as well have slapped me across the face because the message is loud and clear. When all seems lost, we should never forget that there is hope.

"When the mountains seem too high
And the rivers way too wide
There's a hand that is waiting
To lead you to the other side.
Never forget there is hope. Never forget there is hope.”

So the Christmas program was the other day...and the kids did such an awesome job! I am so very proud of them. Even though I knew he wouldn't be there, I secretly wished that he was. I wanted him to see "my world," so to speak. After the show, it was nonstop craziness- rejoicing with the kids, gathering costumes, greeting the parents, taking pictures, and finally seeing all of my students off. It was such a high and a great way to see all of our hard work pay off. I didn't go home right away; rather, I stopped by the lagoon near my place.

I needed the quiet...I needed the solitude. I just needed to breathe...and to think.

With all the busyness of the past few weeks, my ears have been closed. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I subscribe to a daily Bible verse and wouldn't you know it? Every day for the past week, each verse had something to do with hope. I haven't been listening, but it's as if God has been sending me a message to 'keep hope alive.' Cheesy, I know. But see, I believe in all of that and I honest to goodness believe that the song that the kids sang ("Never Forget There is Hope") and all of these Bible verses were coming at me at a time when I really needed to hear it the most. God is so awesome in that way...

Back to the question of being too optimistic...is there such a thing? I mean, people go through crap all the time...just today, I found out that my car was egged...EGGED!Who does that shit anymore? But hey, my Honda was in dire need of a car wash anyways...

I believe that everything happens for a reason...and yet, going through shit doesn't hurt any less knowing and believing that fact. I get it, though...we all need time and space to sort things through within ourselves...and we can't put a timeline on those kinds of things. Sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by a support system and sometimes, it's just something we have to do on our own.

"After a storm, there's always a rainbow." I will continue to keep hoping for better days ahead...