In Theory

It should be easy, right? You put it on your to-do list and you do it. You set your mark, you aim, and you shoot. You have a plan, you stick to it...and even though you may not agree with it, if it seems like the best that there is at the moment, you go with it.

Easier said than done.

I'm having a really difficult time sticking to what I said I'd do. I've had a track record of being somewhat slow. Even though I KNOW what the right thing to do is, my feelings always get in the way. I was always told to "think with your head," but I always did the opposite and thought with my heart. I mean, I WOULD get it done...it would just take me a little bit longer than some.

I'm having a hard time staying away. It seems silly and juvenile to even complain about it. It's probably annoying because whenever I talk to some friends, it's always about the same old thing. I bitch and bitch and bitch...and there's really nothing that will make me feel better. The Christmas holidays are not making it any easier. I walked around the mall the other day to kill time. Maybe it was just me, but the sight of people holding hands annoyed me. Everything was decorated so beautifully that it should've brightened my spirits...but my inner Scrouge reappeared and all that I saw left me with this bitter after-taste in my mouth. Not even the lights got me excited...and I'm usually easily excitable when it comes to pretty lit up things.

It's jealously. All of the things that leave me feeling bitter is because I'm jealous...straight up. I'm jealous of the people that get to shop because I can't afford to. I'm jealous of the people holding hands with that special someone because I can't. I'm jealous of the people who are SO into the Christmas spirit while I am here anticipating the end of it. I'm jealous of the people that get to spend time with him when I can't even get five minutes. Yes, I am jealous. It bothers me. It bothers me to know that I am jealous...and it sucks.

I should have a better attitude about it all. I mean, it COULD be much worse. There's someone out there who is going through way worse than what I'm going through and hell, I should just be grateful.

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive...maybe it's lack of sleep...maybe it's the effects of Nyquil and Halls cough drops that I've been taking...maybe it's just my over analytical and bored mind...maybe it's just my imagination...maybe, just maybe, it's as clear as day and I am in denial...and maybe I'm just too scared to face the truth...