Much to be Thankful For...

A happy belated Thanksgiving to all! Just when I thought I was getting pretty good at updating, I had to go and get my own place...and as my luck would have it, I am still without internet connection! I tell you, you really don't know how dependent you are on the internet until you are without it...I've felt so disconnected to everything for the past few days, it's driven me crazy!

Thanksgiving has come and gone...and many are still recovering from the craziness of Black Friday...lol...not me! Not this year anyways. While Turkey Day is traditionally a big family party day, this year was the exception. This year found many of us scattered about doing different things and being in different places....and to be quite honest, I was depressingly alone for the most of it. There was a lunch gathering at my Apu's house...and yes, I did have my fill of turkey and mashed potatoes...it was a short, but sweet visit with a few relatives in attendance. For the rest of the night, I spent it quietly at home lying under the covers in my still new bed reading a book. I had this urge to be out and about, to be among family and friends eating until we couldn't eat anymore, drinking up and laughing the night away talking story...but being in my new place wasn't so bad.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately...and of course, with it being Thanksgiving and all, it's the perfect time to reflect about life.

Last Saturday, I headed to Stonestown for some last minute shopping for my godson's baptism where I happened to run into one of my co-worker friends. We chatted briefly, but there was something about the way she looked at me that caught me off guard. She had this sympathetic look and even asked me if I was okay. Confused, I answered that yah, I was feeling fine. When I saw her at school on Monday, she asked me again if I was okay. I had to ask why she was so concerned. And she told me that she was worried how I was handling the upcoming holidays...because she remembered how hard it was for me last year to even take a simple stroll through the mall.

I literally had to take a moment to think back and it hit me, wow...she was right. In fact, it just wasn't the holidays that was difficult, it was the entire year!

2006 was the year of FIRSTS....the first New Year's, Valentine's Day, my birthday, Easter, July 4th, Thanksgiving, and Christmas....all without the hubby. Each holiday that passed was like a knife cutting through my heart...and as Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around, I just wanted to disappear and die. I was exhausted from the pain and I was tired of trying to act like everything was okay when it really wasn't. Leaving him was, hands down, the hardest decision I have ever made in my life thus far...and as 2006 creeped by day to day, everything about it was "another day without him."

It was rough, I won't lie. My family, friends, and co-workers will attest to that. And I tried...really tried...to move on the best that I could. Each day was a struggle. Getting up every morning in my parents' house was a reminder of what I had left behind in Minnesota....and every night would end in tears and a desperate plea for a sign that I did the right thing.

Thanksgiving 2006: a family-filled evening....and lots and lots of wine. Lol. I pretty much had it in my mind to drink my sorrows away. I didn't get mad drunk, but I did have one glass too many that I remember just feeling chill and relaxed. This time last year, I was still very bitter about the divorce, but on that night, I didn't want to think about my sorry situation. I just wanted to drink...and I did.

2005 was a bad year....but 2006 was just plain shit. 2007 started off awful....even though I spent New Year's with my family, I felt so alone and depressed. I have often thought that I needed a shrink. Perhaps seeking psychological counseling would do me some good...but wouldn't you know it, it was always the financial part of it that held me back. Damn Rando for screwing up our finances! And of course it is me, myself, and I who is taking care of this financial shithole that he was dug us into...thanks dude.

But somewhere along the way, the pain began to hurt a little less each day. It's true when they say that time is the healer It's not a cure-all of any sort because the pain still remains, but the blows are not as damaging as it was when everything first went down. I still cried at night, but it wasn't as frequent; I'd still get melancholy hearing a song on the radio, but I wouldn't dive into the deep depression of before. Things were beginning to look up...and I believe it was only because I allowed it to.

I HAD to go through the shitty stages of depression. I HAD to withdraw from social interactions because at the time, I couldn't handle being around people...much less married couples. The trouble with me is that when my troubles with the hubby first began, I automatically wanted to fix it and by wanting that so badly, I forced myself to accept things as they were. I went from "WTF?" to "Okay dear..." I never let it truly sink in until it was too late. So 2006 was the year of just dealing with it...and again, what a screwed up year that was.

But as Thanksgiving 2007 has come and gone, and with my co-worker's sympathetic concerns fresh in my mind, I realized something so very important...

I'm OKAY.

2007 started off slow, but it quickly gained momentum. Moreso since the big D was finalized, everything else has somehow found its place. The divorce is official; I ran a half-marathon; AND I moved out. Dipping into the waters of the dating pool has been fun and interesting, to say the least, but dammit, the fact that I'm putting myself out there says a lot. OH...and plus, now I've got stories to tell! LOL!

I'm damn proud of where I am today...and not only that, but I am a much happier person. I know that all things happen for a reason and that God has a bigger plan for me. I had to go through what I did for a purpose....and starting from scratch, with literally $20 in my pocket, has helped me appreciate even the littlest things that I used to take for granted. I have been given a second chance at happiness and I'm not going to waste one second of it.

The last time I spoke to now ex-hubby, it started off bad...tempers flared, things were said, blah blah, blah...but one of the last things I said to him was that I forgave him. And I meant it with my whole heart. It takes so much energy to be and stay angry with someone...it's literally exhausting! But I was tired of being angry and bitter....and I didn't want to have all of these negative vibes inside of me. What was done was done...it was now time to move on. I will always be sad as to how things ended, but there's no use in living in the past and wishing for what if's. As I said the words, "I forgive you," it was like a burden was miraculously lifted; it was as if the dark cloud that had been permanently planted above my head finally gave way to the sun. While I may have said it before, saying it this time around felt different. I don't wish him ill-will anymore...lol...yes, wished many things upon him for a while. Hey, I was entitled! But now, all I wish him is good luck.

So Ran, if you're reading this or if your peoples are reading this, maybe you could pass the message along. Ran, I hope you are well. I hope you're moving on and doing something with your life. I hope and pray that you will be able to forgive yourself and concentrate on the three greatest things you have in your life- your kids. I wish they could know how much I love them still and how I would have loved to be part of their lives. We all live and learn...and I hope that you find your happiness one day.

Again, there is much to be thankful for...I'm grateful for my family and friends who have supported me throughout this entire process- I seriously would not have stayed sane without you. I would not have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Last, but definitely not least, all praise and thanks goes to God above...my source of strength, of comfort, and of love. With you, all things are possible...

Happy belated Thanksgiving ya'll...hope you enjoyed the long weekend, ate and drank plenty, and gave thanks for all the blessings...peace.