Nightmares Happen

I'm so tired. I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in a while. As hard as I try to close off my mind and get some shut eye, something holds me back.

I was so desperate for sleep the other day that I cried. Without knowing that I did, I finally fell asleep, only to be jolted awake by my cellphone ringing.

What I fail to mention is the fact that not only have I not been able to sleep, but it's more along the lines that I have been afraid to do so.

I will be adult enough to say this, but it's an admission that will hopefully help me deal with things better. As they say, the first step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem...and here it is...

I'm scared of the dark.

It sounds childish, I know, but it's a fear nonetheless. Let me give you some background on this before you start baggin' on me and if you're game, you can analyze, deconstruct, and perhaps explain it all to me so that I, myself, can understand what it all means.

Almost 10 years ago, I had the most frightening nightmare...it freaked me out so much and it was one of those that just felt too real to be a dream.

I'm lying down in my bed with the covers over my head. It seems to be in the moments right before you fall asleep. To me, it's almost like a floating feeling, where everything releases, all conscious and subconscious thoughts disappear and the body is about to escape into sweet and blissful slumber. All of a sudden, my hearts starts to race and the fear starts flowing through my veins. The beating of my heart is thunderous in my ears and that, in itself, intensifies my already growing fear. This is where I freeze. Literally. My entire body goes stiff and as hard as I try, I find myself frozen with fear. I struggle with all my might to the point where I begin to feel my muscles ache. I try to call for help, but nothing escapes from my lips- the only screams that I hear are inside my head.

Then I feel it...two unseen hands wrapping around my neck. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that comes over my body as I desperately flail around. Helpless. There is nothing or no one that I see in the room that could be doing this to me- nothing but a black form. Then, when it seems like I cannot struggle anymore, I wake up.

But I wake up with fear coursing through my veins, my body is weak and achy from fighting something, and I've got tears in my eyes. I quickly scan the room, hoping that something is there, yet hoping that nothing is there...and it's empty.

This recurring dream has different takes on it, but the same premise- me being frozen with fear, calling out and struggling while something tries to choke me.

The first time it happened , all I saw was a dark shadow- namesless and shapeless. It doesn't talk or speak, but whatever it is somehow acquires hands to constrict my neck. Another time when I swore that I was awake and under the blankets, I could see and feel the impressions of something on top of me. It was strong and unforgiving.

What freaked me out was the first time it happened with hubby around. We were in Foster City already and while it was happening, Doh said that I was thrashing around on the bed and whimpering. Whimpering. My goodness, all I know is that I am screaming my freakin' head off and all that comes out is a whimper?!

The frequency has been too much for my nerves- not only can't I sleep, but at this point, I don't want to. When I feel the onset of sleep creeping in, I freak. I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to have the nightmare again. I'm scared to sleep because what happens if I don't get jolted awake when I'm being choked?

Believe me, I've prayed about it. Heck, I don't know if it's an evil presence or what, but I've asked that I get a good night's sleep. Doesn't always work...

For a while, I really believed that it was some sort of psychological thing that I was going through. I still believe that- it's just different this time around because I have no one to wake me up and hold me afterward to tell me that it was only a bad dream.

Makes me wonder which scares me more...