Healing....My Way

I can't quite explain it. As much anger, bitterness, hurt, and sadness that I feel, as soon as I hear that voice on the other end of the phone, I become that other person...and I cringe. It makes me realize just how very weak I am...that all the progress I feel that I've made in overcoming my obstacles slips through my fingers like sand...that in one instant, my heart breaks all over again...and the fact that I allow him to affect me the way that he does pisses the hell out of me.

And yet, I know why he affects me the way that he does. It's because deep down, I still love him. His actions have traumatized me to the point where my views on marriage and relationships are so jaded that it's not even funny. Getting married? Don't do it! But hell, if you do, make sure you REALLY KNOW everything about your man...see what I mean? I know for a fact that I will not be having any significant relationships in the near future. Why? Shoot...why should I open myself to another person just to have the person rip my heart out? No thanks...it's happened to me one too many times...been there, done that. Why bother?

I had to laugh the other day when a friend said that she read my blog...."...it's so angry!" I know, I know. What can I say...I've got issues! Somewhere along the way, it went from normal everyday happenings to venting sessions about my personal life. Someone asked me, why do you put everything out there for everyone to read? My response? Why not? I really don't care anymore...because I never had anything to hide.

Which brings me to my next point...last week, I watched the movie "Catch and Release" on dvd and afterwards, was compelled to write yet, another angry post. Sure enough, I heard from the hubby...nevermind that it's been almost three months since the last time we've talked! Being already overly emotional, this supposed strong woman breaks down...I couldn't help it. It was overwhelming. But the reason why he called was because of my blog...and the way I "blasted" him out in public. I actually began to feel guilty for writing what I did...and afterwards, I deleted my post. Again, I questioned myself as to why I let him affect me the way that he does.

But you know what? This is MY BLOG and I can say whatever it is I want to say! Why should I be walking on eggshells for you or anyone else just because it might hurt your feelings? Why should I worry WHO might read this? This is for me to express myself and for me only. If people you know come upon this blog per chance, well hell, it's just too damn bad. Let them read. I'm tired of going out of my way to appease you because really...what have you done for me lately?

And so, I am re-posting my original blog. While the hubby perceives it as being put on blast for all the world to see, I see it as my way of healing. If I don't talk about it (or in this case, write about it), I will never get over it. And getting over it is something that I truly need to do. Keeping it hidden and to myself has killed me slowly and eaten me up alive...but no more.

I came to a very startling realization the other day. Each and every year that I've taught, the hubby was there to help me- whether it was to setup my class, move around the furniture, help me correct papers late at night, and just offer moral support. But this year, he didn't. He wasn't around. From the first days of school to my last day on Thursday, I went the entire school year without him, his help, his ideas, his time, or his money. There were many times when I thought I'd fail on my own, but I did it...without him..and I am so freakin' proud of myself!


Catch and Release
originally written and posted June 10, 2007

I made it a Blockbuster night tonight...just me, myself, and I. I'm supposed to be working on report cards. I've had the dvd for a few weeks now and if ya'll know me, Tuesday found me at Best Buy that day.

I remember seeing the preview for this movie and thinking to myself, "crying movie." Not that the movie would generate Lord of the Rings-esque millions, but I knew that it was a movie that I wanted to see. Without ruining the movie for those who haven't seen it, Jennifer Garner's character's (Gray) fiance dies and in the process of dealing with his death, she comes to learn of his many secrets.

How interesting that his secrets involved children and money...

Among the fiance's three best friends, only one knew the real truth. As it is with those left in the dark, the other two were hurt and confused that their friend didn't trust them enough to share the secret. Coincidentally, one of those two guys have been in love with Gray and when he says this to her, I lost it:

"For six years, I kept telling myself that he was the better man for you. But he wasn't! Look what he did to you! If you were mine, I would never, NEVER have let that happen."

Just today, a friend of mine said, "How could he do that to you? You don't deserve that. He didn't deserve you."

Damn straight he didn't deserve me!

Rando withheld his secrets from me for almost FOUR YEARS before coming clean. In fact, did I ever mention how I had these gut feelings about certain aspects of his life? A day that is forever seared into my memory- February 16, 2003 - is when Rando and I had "the talk." No wait, I take that back. He had said that he needed to tell me something, but because of the shitless coward that he is, I had to end up guessing what it was that he wanted to get off his chest. (Un)lucky me, I guessed correctly!

My exact words were, "What is it? Do you have a kid or something?" And when he didn't answer, his eyes to the ground and his head hung low said it all. I went ballistic. I remember throwing the remote control against the wall and swearing like a sailor. Then I slapped him, but later on he would tell me that I hit him...hard. And I remember crying uncontrollably...something that I would end up doing each and every night for the next three years.

But of course, the lies didn't end there. Five months later, I found that he had a total of three children from a prior marriage. But c'mon, the kicker was when I found out he wasn't even divorced at the time we got married! How is it that I was totally unaware of all this?! Just like in the movie, Gray knew nothing of her fiance's past.

Secrets aren't necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has their own secrets. But when two people decide to commit their lives to one another in marriage, I believe there should be none. Any relationship must have trust as the foundation; without it, the relationship fails. And that is exactly what happened to mine.

At the end of the movie, Gray speaks out about her fiance, telling people all of the great things about him and even the not-so-great things, but leaving out all of the other complicated stuff. This, being a movie, of course has its happy ending...its resolutions. I'm still waiting for mine. If I had to reword her last speech to mirror how my life is unfolding, it might sound a little bit like this:

"I didn't know everything about Rando...but here is some things that I do know. His number one passion is basketball. He would hate for anyone to assume that his height is a disadvantage to the game. He will tell you that from the age of five, his dad made him practice to the point of tears, but he learned to go left when others believe he'll go right. I know that when he is on the court, he demands respect, and from what I saw, he was good. His other passions were surfing and music- while it seemed that he was the life of the party, he really was a sensitive guy. But it took his lies for me to see the real Rando and his lies turned me into another person entirely. I became a person I hated, someone whom I was ashamed to be and someone whom I had no respect for. I carried the burden of his lies and in the process, his lies became my own. I stood up for him and defended him. I chose him over my family and my friends...even when I knew that what I should've done was leave. It took me two years too long, but I did. People don't want to hear the details of what happened and I don't need anyone's sympathy or pity. However, they do want to hear that I am praying for him and that he, for the sake of his children, learns to make wiser decisions and ultimately, owns up to everything that he's done. When people do ask if I loved him, I tell them the truth- I did. And that's what makes this whole divorce process so damn difficult- the fact that I cared so deeply for someone. But now, with so many other recent surprises, I hate that he still affects me the way he does. I just wish it would all be over and done with.