It's February...2010

I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.

A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.

As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.

Simply...it's February.

Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.

It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.

Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.

What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.

Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..

It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.

I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.

You know what???

I AM TIRED.

Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???

When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.

He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.

Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.

The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.

He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.

I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.

I blame him for all of these things and much more.

Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.

So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.

Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...