I have EVERY right to be upset right now.

I specifically told you "no" to your question and yet, you still did it anyways. What makes you think it's okay? Seriously???

You have no idea what goes through my mind, but let me shed some clarity on the situation. I have been "warning" you that I get into this holiday funk every year...I tell you so that weird and awkward moments could be avoided. It's not that I'm giving you an excuse for my bitchiness, but at the same time, a little bit of understanding on your part would be fabulous. I'm already giving you a heads up that I may not be the best company to be around with during this time of year. I've even further explained WHY. I've opened myself up to you and you even witnessed one of my really bad days.

For me, it was one thing on top of the other- the busyness of work, the lack of sleep, the physical exhaustion taking its toll on my body, and yes, the holidays. I'll be the first to say that yes, it IS psychological. It's all in my mind....and how I deal with it oftentimes includes a lot of crying.

You came home and I had to acknowledge that you dropped off those Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes for me. I was grateful. My schedule did not allow me to do so and you stepped up to make sure it was taken care of. But you noticed that I had been crying....in fact, I had been crying nonstop for a couple of hours already. For me, I get easily distracted at what the reason for my initial crying started as....because as the crappy and pitiful feeling comes over me, all of the other crappy and pitiful feelings emerge from deep within. Really, it was just a bad day where I honestly did not have control of the tears.

You saw me and I could tell right away by the look in your eyes that you were concerned. It was sweet, but you kept pushing it. You wanted to comfort me and hug me, but I didn't want any of it. But somewhere along the way, the touch of your warm hugs made me surrender and I let you hold me. You held me as I cried...and it felt good to let it out, but in a lot of ways, it was still so very painful. Painful because YOU are part of the reason why I am crying.

That is why I've been feeling so conflicted lately. YOU have been having better days...perhaps it's due to the combination of therapy, medication, and your family supporting you...but to you, everything is just fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. That's how you put it. But you know what? Not to burst your bubble and not to squash any progress you've made thus far, you are NOT fine. I think in a lot of ways, you've more or less begun to control your emotional feelings to a point where it doesn't keep you up to the wee hours of the morning and where your mind isn't debating on what to do anymore. But this physical feeling of being fine has given you this false sense of confidence where you feel that you can take on the world. Don't get me wrong...I think that's great. BUT, it's very difficult for me to take in because I've seen how you've been for a long time and this transition into the new you has thrown me for a loop.

While you're feeling fine, I'm at that point in the year where I do NOT feel fine. I feel like shit all the time. I begin to ache for something that I haven't had in a long time and the building desire of that pains me. But you don't understand it. You see me when I'm sad and crying; you want to fix that and make the sadness go away...but the thing is? You can't.

The other day, you told me that I do not understand how YOUR situation or how YOU are feeling; I told you that you do not understand MINE. Because of the few relationships that you've had, you've always confessed that perhaps, there is not a lot that you understand about them. Yet, I've always believed that it doesn't matter HOW MANY relationships you've had, heartbreak is heartbreak. Whatever the situation is that we've found ourselves in the past, a broken heart still equals a broken heart.

BUT...I will pull rank for a quick second to prove a point. Yes, I have been in many relationships and while I am far from understanding them 100%, I've learned many lessons along the way. For one, the relationships that I had in high school and early college years can NOT be compared to relationships today. Looking back, one can't truly justify his or her actions from long ago. There was a lot of growing up, there was a lack of life experience, and really, that is how we grow up....by experiencing things along the way.

I've told you that I've been loved and I've been dumped. I shared that I was used and I was cheated on. I even told you that I continued to love even when lie after lie was revealed. But love makes you do stupid things, doesn't it? In all of these situations and relationships, there was a lot of crying, a lot of misunderstanding, and a lot of pain.

But here's the life lesson here.

Just because you've been hurt in the past relationship doesn't mean that you will get hurt in the next one. But BECAUSE you were hurt and were wronged, that experience has changed you and in so many ways, cautions you not repeat the same mistakes you did in the past. Yes, you were hurt...but your biggest mistake was believing that I would hurt you in the same way your ex-wife hurt you. We've all been hurt before. But we can't carry those hurts into the next relationship; else, it will fail. When two people decide to enter a new relationship, I'm not saying that there will be no baggage. There WILL be. AND...as we get older, the more baggage we will have. I'm not saying that we should deny those past hurts. What I'm saying is that you have to let it go in order to start fresh in the new relationship. It's only fair that you give that person the benefit of the doubt. We shared each other's hurts so that we could try and understand each other better...but you never let it go. And if you say that you DID let it go...it was too late.

With all of that said, we all backslide sometimes. During the holidays, I definitely do.

I told you that I wanted to be by myself for Thanksgiving. My plan was to eat my lil' Thanksgiving meal, watch my dvd, and drink up. But you were home. Your family party wasn't until dinner time and so you had some time to work on your modeling kit. I took that as an opportunity for us to build upon this friendship of ours that has appeared to be floundering on and off. I prepared the food and we were able to sit down and eat together. I prayed for us...I thanked God for all of His blessings...and I asked Him to bless our friendship. But that wasn't an indication that I wanted more from you.

I watched "Eat.Pray.Love." last night and I had so many other moments of clarity. The first time that I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book was when I was going through my own painful divorce. I cried as I read the book because I understood her loss and her pain. I felt envious of the journey she took to heal and find herself. That is something that I never got to do! She travels to Italy, India, and to Bali...and in each place, she learns many lessons that help her to recover.

Divorce isn't something that everyone understands unless you, yourself, have gone through it and experienced it. While I am so eternally grateful to my family and to my friends for being there for me, it wasn't always the best medicine for me. The people who offered advice were in happy relationships and marriages. It wasn't until I met friends who've been divorced that I felt connected to the world again. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It is a different kind of hurt that you can't imagine.

In time, the pain subsides and becomes a little less. You begin to find things that make you smile once again. You even meet people who help you smile even more. The moment you let go of some of that hurt is the moment when you begin to live life again. In the movie, the author, Liz, goes to Bali and talks to Ketut, a medicine man/wise man/fortune teller, etc. He tells her that in order to be happy, we have to find balance. Balance between heaven and earth. Balance within my our mind and our hearts. He gives her a picture of a person with four legs....four legs as a reminder to stay grounded. The person has no head, but there are eyes in the middle of the chest...this means that we shouldn't use our head to look out into the world, but to use our hearts instead. In the end, Liz is conflicted and she ended her relationship because she claimed that she could not keep the balance. But Ketut says that sometimes, in order to have balance in love, you have to be unbalanced in other areas. It's the same message...you have to let go in order to move on.

I need to find my balance again. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to take care of me again. It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? But I look around and I know that I'm not getting any younger. I want so much more out of my life and I need to do something about it.