da holidays...

My nights have not been very good lately. I find myself yearning for the comfort of my bed so I could close my eyes and close out the world around me. I've even taken out my nightlight so that my room could be almost pitch black.

In the morning, I find random tissues here and there...and it's not unusual that there are wet spots on my pillow. I've been crying myself to sleep again.

It's not something that I plan. It just happens. Call it what you want....to me, it's the holiday blues.

I'm beginning to get that anti-social bug again. I would rather be locked away in my bedroom than be out celebrating. It's as if I just don't have the energy to be around people right now. At work, I am surrounded by children and at the end of the day, I just want some peace and quiet. On the weekends, I want to unwind my mind....recover, if you will....and prepare for the next week for everything to start its cycle once again.

But it's that time of the year...

Thanksgiving. This was one of my favorite holidays because it meant that the whole family would be gathering together. I remember the first time that I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my family was the year that I got married. After that, I was in Minnesota and the holidays thereafter always left me homesick. Fast forward a few years and I'm back in California....back to where I belonged, but different and empty because of the curveball life threw at me. Because I was at my lowest point, I often felt like a burden to others...I didn't want anyone's sympathy and I sure as hell didn't want anyone's pity. I could not help but feel sad and angry ALL THE TIME.

But somewhere along the way, I began to see that light again. The dark cloud shifted away and I allowed to have some sunshine back in my life. Life was full of pleasant surprises, but like all good things, it ended. But wouldn't you know it? It was around Thanksgiving time. So while I may have many fond memories of this holiday from my youth, the past couple of years have fallen short.

But what sucks about the holidays is that it is a killer cluster: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. There is no reprieve until March!

Why do the holidays suck so bad? It ultimately comes down to one sad reality- I am alone. While having my family is everything to me, it doesn't count in this situation. It's not hard to flashback to the times when I wasn't alone and to the times when I had someone to call my own. It's no secret that I yearn for that again.

There's something missing from my life and I need to find it. I'm not quite sure what it is, but until I do find it, I don't think I can truly be happy just yet.