Selfish

I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.

Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...

The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...

How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.

I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.

I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.

Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.

And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.

I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.