The Question Is...

How do you get over the love of your life?

This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.

I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.

I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.

But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.

How do you get over the love of your life?

There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.

Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.

Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.

Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.

There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.

There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.

I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.