It's a Reality...

...when people disappoint you, isn't it? I'm not here to play the blame game, but it's funny what a "friend request" on Facebook can do...well, to me anyways.

It was a domino effect of sorts that somehow led me back down a road that I was glad to have left behind. The connection shook me to the core and that infuriated me.

I can't quite explain it and I'd rather not dwell on it more than I already have. All I know is that I hated feeling what I did. You have certain expectations of people and you count on them to follow through. There's that assumption that they will do what you do for them...but that ain't always the case. My problem is that I assumed...and well, we all know what they say about assumptions, right? I walked right into that one.

Maybe I've been spoiled by my string of good luck? Maybe my luck has run out?

Some people say that they always expect the worst to happen...so that when it does, they are not disappointed. But I don't operate that way. I generally see things in a different light where things can always get better. Too naieve? Maybe. Too optimistic? Perhaps. Too trusting of the situation? Most definitely. And that's where it comes back to bite me in the ass...but in my world, how's how I operate.

So when disappointment comes, it doesn't just come...it hits in threes. What's with that number anyways? And usually the biggest disappointments come from the ones that we love the most, isn't it?

Gosh, it feels like I haven't written in so long...I feel rusty. Not that I ever considered myself to be a great writer, but still. I used to write a lot because putting pen to paper offered me solace in times when I felt completely abandoned. I wrote when I had no one to turn to and wow, to feel that now, even in the most minute way, sucks. The feeling will go away, I imagine, but in the meantime, these are the words that came forth outta nowhere...it's all random to me, jumbled thought not making much sense in parts, but laying it all down the way I see it. I don't know...just thought I'd share.


Tell me that I'm not doomed to have the past repeat itself.
I am 100% completely over him and yet, I am still haunted by him.
That reconnected link to him shook me...even scared me...
As if a friend request would somehow lead him to me to...
To what? Find me? Hurt me?

I don't doubt that he's moved on and he knows I have done the same.
I am content where life has taken me and I am happy...finally.
I have not dwelled on the past nor do I have the desire or need to
But it somehow goes back to the unknowing and uncertainty that I sometimes feel.
I hated that moment of doubt and for that brief period, that ugly suspecting part of me returned.
It took all ounces of energy to tear it away...because I knew if I didn't,
It would mean a revisit to that part of me that should never have existed in the first place.

I blame it all on him.
He was the only one to totally incapacitate my ability to trust.
I made myself vulnerable to him time and time again...
And time and time again, he hurt me with his lies.
He took that dagger and stabbed me deeper and deeper than the first
Never really understanding that a part of me died every single time.
Yet, I blamed myself because I allowed him to hurt me...I allowed it.

But in time, I eventually found a way to live and breathe again.

I often wonder if some things are too good to be true-
Or will I suddenly wake from this dream to find that I am stuck in some god-awful nightmare?

I wonder if I'll ever get that fairytale ending I feel I deserve-
Or is it just that...a fantasy?

Is the happiness I feel the real deal or just a temporary thing?
Because I want this...more than I've ever wanted anything before.