Bitch Mode

I won't apologize for feeling so bitchy...a woman should be entitled to a free pass on days that feel like shit, right? And it ain't even about the monthly friend, either.

I don't normally feel entitled to much really...I'd like to think that I'm pretty humble about most things. But, for example, I DO expect a simple 'thank you' when I give you something...or an 'excuse me' when you accidentally bump me. These aren't even about being entitled...we're talking courtesy here!

I believe that everyone deserves some happiness...I mean, why not? I'm going to sound downright selfish right now, but I don't freakin' care at the moment. Is it so wrong to want to be wanted? It sucks ass when you extend your hand and go out of your way to do something for someone and then you get nothing in return. Not that you were doing this thing in the first place to get recognition or anything like that...but an acknowledgment might be nice. Or is it because it's a known good that you're dependable and just that type of person who will make the effort no matter what just because? Not saying that you're a pushover...but then, people get so used to you being so agreeable about things that they unknowingly take you for granted.

I'm having this bout of neuroticism where my thoughts are racing against my feelings. For example, my current bitchy state is being internally analyzed and my head is trying to figure out what is making me feel this way, how it looks to other people, and how it can be misinterpreted. A part of me will realize that this state of discontent is unnecessary and yet, the physical responses of unease, irritation, and whatnot have not had time to process completely. It doesn't make sense as I read that back, but in my head it does. Then there is that moment when the feelings and reactions run parallel and I find myself crying for no reason that I can explain. All I know is what I feel at that moment and the better part of it is frustration due to the fact that no one, in my opinion, understands. It's times like these when I feel like I am going insane.

Here's another area that feeds my insanity...not knowing. I'm sure we've all had our anxiety about the future, but what I'm talking about is different. I'm talking about being part of something, something exciting and new, something that you invest a lot of your time and yourself in, and yet, there's that unknowing feeling of whether or not it's real, worth it, and/or mutual. I mean, I've gotten to that point in my life where I think it IS all worth it in the end because all things happen for a reason. But how sucky would it be if the other involved parties didn't feel the same way? Got bored? Decided to invest in something else?

The easiest thing here would be to simply ask and inquire. That's the dude solution. Ha. Then's there's living in my world. I don't expect anyone to read my mind, but after a while, you tend to know a person and how they are. If, for example, you know that it's the little things that count, then by golly, wouldn't you want to make sure that those little things get done? It sounds petty, right? How about we all save each other some time and just throw me a bone....

My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Y'all would've thought that I learned from prior experience to be more cautious with my feelings...and to be honest, I feel like I have. But when you see something worth it, you go for it, right? Because so much time has passed and so much shit has gone down that when the opportunity presents itself, you need to grab hold of it. I get that there are logical explanations for everything...I'm not dense, I'm not stupid, I understand. But maybe my other problem is that I've gotten into the habit of being sensitive to other people's situations that when it comes to ME, I want the same courtesy...and when I don't get it, that's when bitch mode goes into high gear.

Here's another problem among my many...because of my aforementioned neuroticism, sometimes I have a difficult time letting people in on my pain. I would almost rather keep it inside so I can "deal" with it ('cuz remember, it's really not a big thing...). It's not that serious...no worries about me being a walking timebomb of drama. I think that I've gotten used to not having a support system of sorts that really, I can just deal. I've been told that I am good at hiding behind my smile and I guess there is some truth in that. I guess when all that shit is swirling around in your head, I can't do much but smile....lol...is that what it feels like to be high? Not that I would know...

Anyways...this post has gone on for far too long...I've long forgotten what my original intention was, even when it did start off as a bitching session. I'm going through some stuff right now that I wish people could see off the bat 'cuz I honestly don't have the energy to sit down and explain it all. But then again, it's all minor and petty stuff that won't really matter in the end. I just gotta suck it up is all...so enough is enough. Give me a few days and I'll be good. Peace.