How Much More?

The other day, I wrote this entire blog about how I've been feeling about my last post. Indescribable anger is how I felt, but in time, the initial anger began to subside. It's ironic that I had JUST felt like I was coming to terms with how my life has been playing out and them BLAM! Each and every time a secret is revealed, it's as if I get the wind knocked out of me- my heart beats faster, my palms get sweaty, my mouth gets dry, and I am left speechless. Before, the tears would be instantaneous and I would be overcome with nausea. I still get the nauseous feeling, but my reserve of tears have almost run dry.

When I learned the news of your stupidity once again, I couldn't believe my ears. For the next few days, the disappointment you caused consumed my every thought. It came to the point where I lost all focus and concentration on work and I began to map out in my head exactly what I would say to you if I were to see you face to face.

But then, I got an email reminder for the concert I would attend- the Spring Celebration featuring Jeremy Camp and the David Crowder Band at Paramount's Great America. I had been looking forward to this concert for over a month! I had bought the tickets before Easter and once Easter and my birthday rolled around, I honest-to-God thought that I could finally and truly forgive the bastard for all that he's put me through. I honestly thought that it was time to move forward. During the concert (which was totally AWESOME!), I thought about you. I thought about how much you needed God in your life, to help turn your life around, to help you make wiser decisions, to give you the strength to swallow that pride, for determination to want to do better and to be a better dad, and above all, the will to forgive yourself. I felt at peace with a lot of things at the concert. To be with so many people who were down for God and to be among those who were praising and worshipping Him at, of all places, Great America, was truly an inspiring feeling and it was exactly the type of spiritual food that I needed for what was to come.

I am a believer that all things happen for a reason. I also believe that God doesn't give you anything that He thinks you can't handle- "if God PUTS you through it, He will SEE you through it." The letter that arrived in the mail hit me like a ton of bricks and again, I was left speechless. In the course of this one school-year, I have had to front and take care of your financial obligations. Why? Because you don't have the decency and the responsibility to take care of what you need to take care of. Maybe you think that you can just "get by," maybe you think that no one will notice. But once a liar, always a liar. Once an asshole, always the asshole.

Maybe the fact that you were terminated from your job is funny to you. Hell, maybe you really don't give a damn. Wasn't it you who said that at least it would give you more time to go back to surfing? So while you're out catching waves and being a beach bum, creditors and banks can't find you. They can't find you because you don't have a forwarding address, but lucky for freakin' me, they have mine. And so, since they can't find your ass, they decide to go after mine. Is that how you saw it working in your mind? Do you find it hilarious that your ass is deep in debt? And what are you doing about it? By golly, dumbass decides to go surf!

I refuse to let your continuous lies and deceit get to me. I was so wrong into thinking that getting your f*cking signature would be a breeze....but since when were things easy when it came to you? That's right, I forget....it's always D-R-A-M-A with you. I've come to realize that even though the marriage was over, the end is so far out of reach..and it's all thanks to you.

My faith in God tells me that the right thing to do is to forgive- and believe me, that has been my struggle for the past five years. Just when I think I can do it, I fail. The bitterness is back, stronger than ever, and I honestly cannot say what I would do if I were to ever see you again.

How much more will be enough for you? How much more do you think I can take? How much more pain do you want to evoke on your family? How much more do you think you can get away with? How much more sympathy do you think people are willing to give to you? How much more?