I Slipped...

...and had a moment of weakness. Not only did I think about him, but I allowed myself to feel angry with him all over again, but not for reasons that you think.

Someone had to be blamed for what I was feeling...and so I blamed him.

In case you haven't heard or in the event that you're not a fan of "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer, the movie release is a week away. Did ya'll read about that chaotic hubbub at Stonestown Mall? Yours truly was in the midst of it all...lol! Okay, I take that back, I was in the midst of the crazy, screaming, teenage girls whom I ENVIED because they were able to meet lead character, Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward), and I was not. Boo.

Yes, yes, I AM one of those star-crazy fans, but you won't find me screaming, fainting, and fighting my way through just to see him. I am NOT a stalker! lol! BUT, I did try to stand in the line to get bracelets in the early morning hours...me, a bunch of hyperactive and angsty teens, and their parents. In line, a mom asked me, "Are you line for your daughter?" Sheepishly, I answered, "No actually, I'm in line for ME." That totally sparked a conversation and there was a moment where I looked around and thought, "I am way too old for this!"

But as the excitement ended as the police barked orders at us to "leave the premises, the event has been cancelled," I looked at the faces of so many disappointed fans. Some came from all over the Bay Area; others even came from out of state. This is when I noticed all these kids leaving with their parents and I thought about how that one lady asked if I was here for my daughter. Of course I wasn't...but I could've been.

I thought of his oldest daughter, who is currently in her second year of college, and realized that this is exactly the kind of thing we could've done together. Before I even met her, I knew that she was already an avid reader. In so many ways, she reminded me of myself, except that she was way more studious and talented. I remember the day that I met her and her sister...I was so nervous! I wanted so much for them to like me and accept me. But I would later find that it took no effort to get to know these girls...it was almost as if we knew each other for years. I loved the fact that I shared a love of books with the oldest...that was my connection! I would recommend books and authors, we would discuss stories, and when we did, it wasn't a "daughter/stepmother" relationship; rather, it was more like a friend relationship. I couldn't ask for anything better. The only time I "felt" like a stepmom was with the youngest, who was 6 or 7 at the time. Oh, and when I ran across their blogs, I recall getting that warm fuzzy feeling inside when I read that "Myra is an uber cool stepmom." Wow. I would never have thought...

So I thought about her, our shared love of books, and how if things were different, I probably WOULD have stayed in line for her. Not sure if she is actually into this vampire lovestory series, but knowing how she's just as a romantic as me, I'm almost positive that she is....although she probably would say that her loyalties will ALWAYS be for the Harry Potter series! lol! I pondered on this whole situation and I got upset...then I got bitter...and then, I put the blame on him.

I blamed him because he took that opportunity away from me. I blamed him because he ruined everything. I blamed him because he jeopardized the great connection I had with his children...and as much as I love them, I can no longer be a part of their lives as I had hoped.

The angry feeling festered even more when I returned to the mall later that evening. I watched as teens were escorted into Hot Topic for the autograph signing...and I watched as they giddily came out and ran into the arms of their waiting moms. It was a moment that I wanted...

On the drive home to Foster City, the anger and frustration passed. I knew that it wasn't worth the time or energy...and I had promised myself a long time ago that I would not allow myself to be sucked back into that dark place of anger and bitterness over him.

I have moved on and I am happy. I will always miss those girls. When people ask me if I had children from my marriage, I do tell them that I had three stepdaughters. I love them as if they were my own and I know I always will.