INSPI(RED)

You ever see those shirts at GAP with the advertisement slogan of "Do the RED thing"? It's basically a way for GAP to help raise awareness and money to help people in Africa who are affected by AIDS. They will donate half of the proceeds to AIDS organizations and at the same time, create all these opportunities for people out there to make these shirts. Out of the ones that I have seen so far (and according to a GAP sales associate, different ones will continue popping up), I dig the ones that say "DESI(RED)", "TREASU(RED)", "EMPOWE(RED)". I have yet to buy one, but "INSPI(RED)" is the one that I would like to get for myself because that is exactly how I've been feeling.

There's been so much going on in my life that oftentimes, it's been overwhelming to the point of exhaustion. I've been refusing to let my piles of papers consume all of my time and as a result, I've been able to do other things...things that are enjoyable, fun, and keep me sane. Even if it means watching that movie (until 1am), playing the piano, going online (because I can!), reading (to the wee hours of the morning), going to the beach (until the sun sets), catching up with old friends (and eating way too much), and of course, hanging out with the family. It's been so refreshing to do so. BUT, as it is, all of that ends up kicking me in the ass because I end up attacking my piles of papers the night before and as a result, exhaust myself to no end. Yes, yes, I know about budgeting my time, everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah...I just need some practice. PLUS...(and this is such a lame excuse), I've less than TWO MONTHS of school left. Don't even get me talking about spring fever and being queen procrastinator here... Anyways, back to my point- being INSPIRED. Here are just a few things that I have been inspired to do...and WILL DO (as God is my witness)...in no particular order. Some will happen sooner than others, but these are a few of my goals.

*Go back to school and get my credential.
- I've been discouraged for a long time. I feel that I have wasted so much time and money. While I was in Minnesota, I studied my ass off to maintain that 3.9 GPA. That's all I did and by golly, I surprised even myself for doing the best academically than I've ever done. I took the required state tests to become licensed to teach in MN, but with my return to the Bay, those tests, unfortunately, do not carry over. With CA being CA, there are newer tests that keep popping up and as it is, I have a hard time keeping track of what the latest is. It's been so long since I've taken a class and with THREE units shy of earning my Masters in Education, I've lost the will to start over...because that's what I'd have to do in order to get credentialed in CA. I told myself that I do not have the money or the time to do school again. I was done.

But here is where I have changed my thinking.

The other day, Ethan's Mommy and I went to the middle school/high school site to visit a teacher friend of ours. Not too familiar with that campus, we were left to wander around. As we did so, we stared running into many of our old students. For many, the last time I saw these kids was when they were in 3rd Grade...but to now see them as 7th and 8th Graders, to see how tall they've grown, to hear how deep the boys' voices have gotten, to see the physical changes and even maturity levels, blows me away. I saw so many familiar faces and I had to stop some and ask them what their names were. They'd look at me and say, hey, you look familiar, too! But it was my own students that gave me that feeling of pride as I saw them. Even though it may have been four years or so since I've seen them, I could easily call them by first name and last name ( I have a good memory!).

I ran into two particular students of mine and when I called them by name, they acted so surprised! By now, they were about my height, looked more mature-looking, had a little acne that comes with growing up, a fuller chest, and of course, the bubbly attitude. After talking with them, giving them hugs, and saying my goodbyes, I heard them talking behind me as I walked away,

"I can't believe that she still remembers us!"

I saw a younger sibling of another student of mine and I asked about her sister. Both were such genuinely sweet girls and right off the bat, I could tell nothing has changed. Coincidentally, I have known the older sister since she was in 1st grade! (Wow...have I been there that long?) Knowing some of these kids since they were 5 years old and to see them as 11-12 year-old amazes me...and it gives me that sense of pride that even in some small way, I had a hand in helping shape that kid's mind (hopefully!).

Seeing my former students and seeing much they have grown has inspired me to go back to school. I have always said that it's been great to be back working here after being gone so long, but at the same time, I looked at it as just a stepping stone. Now, I'm not so sure. It's the students that drive me; it's the students that push me; it's the students that inspire me to do and be better...and that is why I am going to go back to school.

*Moving out.
-With the big D coming to a close, it's time I spread my wings and learn how to fly. I have been so blessed to have such a supporting family- my parents, and my sister and her family. Through their love and good graces, I have been able to live with them with no questions asked and have been able to start getting my life in order. I always joke and tell people that I am homeless, but really the truth is, I've been rich to have two homes to go back and forth from. Maybe in a lot of ways, I feel like I've overstayed my visit. Going back and living in the house where I was born and raised has been surreal and oftentimes, depressing. It's true- once you move out of your parents' home, it's always hard to go back. It's involved a lot of swallowing of the pride, but I did it, AND I am so very thankful for it.

People tell me that I am crazy for wanting to move out because as it is, it will help me secure my finances with the big D and all that I've had to endure. BUT, in order for me to really deal and move on, moving out will seal the deal, so to speak. It will serve as the ultimate in allowing me to get over everything AND to know that I was able to do it ON MY OWN. This is a big step for me, but I'm ready.

*Travel the world.
- All money (or lack thereof) aside, I've always wanted to travel. I think it stems from the fact that my parents took us on vacations when we were younger and I was exposed to seeing what was out there already. It comes as a surprise to me when I meet people my age who have never ventured out of their city. It sounds snobby, but I guess I never thought about how lucky I was to be able to go on cruises, family vacations, road trips, etc, whereas many of my friends did not. My parents had a plan in mind - travel early when they still can. They have been fortunate to travel around the world and visit countries that I can only hope to see one day. Their pictures are a treasure because they have seen places that have now changed due to political strife, global warming, and war. It's amazing.

Now that I am single (whew! yes, I can finally say that!), I am free to do a lot of things on my own. Not that I couldn't do so when I was married, on the contrary! While I was attached, we were able to do and see many things as well, but now is different. I don't have to worry about anyone else's vacation time from work, no one else's money concerns, no one else's diversions of where to go- just mine. It's such a liberating feeling and dammit, it's so freakin' empowering and awesome! So yes, people, I look forward to the many places that I will visit and venture out to on my own.

*Become a Missionary.
- There has been a call in my heart to go on a mission trip, to go to another country and share the love of God. This is not something recent, in fact, there has been an inkling of a feeling to go since I was in Minnesota. But that inkling was way too small for me to act upon it. When I came back to CA, there was a call for volunteers at my old church to go and again, I felt a tug on my heart. Again, I did nothing. At work, a group of church members organized a two-week mission trip to Thailand and upon their return, there were so many heart-warming stories that touched me. Even more, a couple friend of mine were called by God to return on their own and do more work. In the months that they were there, they gave of their time and talents to work with orphaned children, to help organize events, and to just be a loving presence to them.

Now if you're like me, you have heard stories of missionaries being killed in third world countries because of the work they do. Missionaries sharing God's love in an unfriendly God nation is dangerous, no doubt, but looking past all of that, there are so many benefits and rewards. As a 3rd Grade teacher, I tell myself that if I reach and make a difference to one child, all of my efforts will have been worth it. Being a missionary is the same thing. If you could reach one more person for God, it will be worth it.

In a fearful and selfish way, I thought that inkling would be just that. But the desire to go just grows. I am not confident in my knowledge of Bible and "God-stuff" to be sure that I would even make a difference, but a friend of mine reminded me yesterday that "God uses the weak" in many ways.

I do not know whether I will go anytime soon, but in the meantime, I am inspired to quench my thirst for more knowledge in my faith. I want to make a difference by sharing the love of God to those who don't know Him and hopefully, inspire others to do the same.