Rough Week and Sad Goodbyes

With the upcoming 3rd grade Christmas program, tensions have been high at school. All grade level teachers are stressin' out. We've all been feeling the pressure to get our students to memorize the songs, learn their lines for drama, and to remember all the handmotions that accompany the songs. It doesn't help any that we've only less than two weeks to get them ready. As mentioned before, I somehow took on the task of writing the drama portion...however that happened, I'd rather not discuss. Let's just say that I "took one for the team." In any case, and as short as it is, it wasn't so terrible considering that the story of the birth of Christ has already been written! 'Twas just trying to incorporate that into a short story that was giving me a headache. Plus the fact that yes, although I've always tinkered with the idea of writing, THIS will be the first time ever that I've written something that will be OUT THERE for all the world to see! Ok, so not all the world, but still... I already have this self-esteem issue when it comes to my writing and as some people have pointed out, it's ONLY a 3rd grade Christmas program. Even though the parents will be so busy pointing and clicking their digicams and cameras, laughing at how cute the dressed up reindeer are, etc, it's STILL my writing. It makes me nervous on a whole different level.

I will admit though, practicing every day has been a real bitch. It's bad enough that teachers don't feel like we get enough teaching time in the classroom, but it's felt even deeper because of all the rehearsals. After practice, it's lunchtime; after lunch, the kids are so exhausted and ready to call it a day. Attention spans are at its all time low of the day and any plans on my part to get them to focus seem practically impossible. And I don't blame them. It just sucks big time is all I'm trying to say.

My kids have been a major challenge this year. I was commenting to a teacher friend my concerns that maybe I have just lost my touch with disciplining. Even as a 1st year teacher some years back, I felt that I had my students under control...I even had "the look" that stopped any misbehavior or even the thought of misbehavior! But this year? Hmmm...it's not that these kids are bad. They're really a good bunch of rugrats. Honestly? They really can't shut up! The majority of my students ALWAYS have to make a comment about something. Even after the reminder has been given, someone will have to say something. And when I get on their case, they have the gall to say that they didn't say anything!

Student: "I was just telling him that he dropped his eraser!"
MnM: "But did you talk?"
Student: "No. I was just telling him..."
MnM" "And how did you tell him? With your voice?"
Student: "Yes, but..."
MnM: "And wasn't my instructions not to talk anymore?"
Student: "Yes, but..."
MnM: "So yes, you talked. You used your voice. You owe me 5 minutes outside."

They SAID something, but they didn't say anything. This is just an example of my many conversations... Some people might say that man, MnM, he was just telling his friend that he dropped his eraser. To that, I will say, too bad he talked. There are other ways to tell someone that he or she dropped an eraser...a much more silent way. Point to the dropped eraser. Signal to your friend. Do it without talking. There is no negotiation here unless it's an emergency and no, a dropped eraser is not an emergency.

There are days when I am SO looking forward to ending this teaching gig in January. Seems like after the Christmas program, January will be here before I know it! But there are so many moments that remind me of why I chose teaching as a career in the first place. When I have the eyes of each student captivated by what I'm saying, I feel that yes, they are learning. When a kid's eyes light up because it clicked on in their head how to do something, it's such a good feeling. Time and time again, it's always said that teachers don't see the fruits of their labor until much later. But even those small moments are well worth the effort of what I do and makes even the bad days better.

I won't lie...I will miss these kids terribly when I leave. It's like a teaser almost because I started the year with them, worked with many of them in certain areas, but I won't be able to see them through and how they might've improved. And I believe that it takes some kids to adjust and so while those late bloomers are beginning to open up and blossom, it'll be time for me to go. As much as I complain about how tough it's been to be back in the classroom and as crazy days as I have and want to pull my hair out because of some rugrat, it'll be sad to say goodbye.

Speaking of goodbyes, I got a call from hubby in the middle of the day earlier this week. It's rare that hubby calls me during school and once I heard my phone ring, I immediately knew something was up. Turns out that an auntie-friend back in Minnesota passed away due to complications of her cancer and a recent stroke attack. As some of you have read in hubby's blog, Tita Beth had been nothing but kind to us. When hubby and I first moved out there, she was one of the few that would say hello to us and greet us as if we really belonged. Because the church community is so small, it was tough on everyone to see her go through her the effects of chemo on her body. And yet, through it all, she still made it to church, hairless and all, with a big smile on her face. She went into remission for a while and we all thought it was a miracle. She gained her weight back, her hair grew out, and all was thought to be fine. But the evil of her disease returned with a vengeance...and it was just too much for her to handle. The last time I saw her, she was in a wheelchair and though it didn't look it, I was told that her time was very limited. It was hard to hear that she passed on without having to said my goodbyes. And boy was it tough to finish the rest of the day at school. But a huge part of me is glad that she is finally free from all the pain. Though she leaves her children behind, I know in my heart that it was her time and that God has a much bigger plan for her. Death is something that no one deals with well...I mean, is that even possible? But it comforts me that her suffering is over and that she is with the big guy upstairs. Her faith was strong and I pray that her passing will only bring her children closer together.

Rest in peace, Tita Beth... even though I wasn't able to say my goodbyes to you in person, know that you were loved and appreciated by everyone around you. Your smiles and your loving presence will definitely be missed.