Still Breathing

In everything that I do, I feel that time is of the essence. It's already bad enough that there are not enough hours in a day to finish whatever it is I need to finish. As a teacher, there is never enough time to complete all of my corrections- the piles of papers never seem to get smaller. Rather, they seem to mock me from the corner, collecting dust, telling me how much of a procrastinator I am. On top of work, there never is enough time to hang out with friends. With the hustle and bustle of Christmas upon us, people are so busy, getting caught up in the fast lane of the holidays. There is the hope that we'll get together to catch up, but only if there's time. It's always about time. Time, time, time. The wish for more because of the lack thereof.

In my last post, oh so long ago, I felt that there was so much going on in my life that I had to struggle to catch my breath. A part of me just wanted to let you know that I'm still here....still breathing.

I haven't talked much about school and being back in the classroom. Honestly? I've loved every minute of it. It makes me wonder just how many people love waking up and going to their jobs each morning. I know I do. While I may not have the best day every day...considering on which kid decides to act up or whatnot...I can still say that I look forward to the following day. Being in a classroom with the eager beavers that I have make teaching so enjoyable. Just last week was parent-teacher conferences. While the days are long, I don't mind them so much. It's my chance to really get to talk with some parents, let them know how their kid is doing, and to get a sense of what kind of support my student is or isn't getting. As a whole, 99% of my conferences went well. The 1% that didn't? Oh man...that's for another blog post altogether. Let's just say that if you don't want your child to be learning any of the "Bible stuff" that we do on a daily basis, don't send your child to a Christian school. Moving on...

Mini-milestone

I ate at Olive Garden by myself the other day. By myself.

While many people might not think that's such a big deal, it is for me. I'm one of those people who don't do things on my own. I've never watched a movie on my own nor have I had dinner at a sit-down restaurant by myself. Truth be told, I've always been with someone, whether it was a friend, relative, significant other, or husband.

It took me a long time to decide. You know how you do that whole "should I or shouldn't I?" debate while you're driving...that drives me nuts. Because your whole driving period gets screwed up, you end up wasting gas, and to be quite honest, I hate that not-knowing-what-to-do-and-where-to-go feeling. I'm not the most spontaneous person out there...although I am trying my best to be. I don't think I ever really decided to go there...I somehow just ended up there.

I didn't have to, but I figured that eating solo may be something I should get used to doing. I shouldn't have to rely on anyone to get me through a simple meal, right? People do it all the time! It wasn't totally terrible because I took some papers to correct with me. It was my crutch, I suppose, but it got me through the evening. It was awkward and somewhat depressing, yet it was liberating at the same time. I felt proud of myself because like I said, this was a huge thing for me.


SFState on a Saturday Afternoon
(written on October 28, 2006)

I went back to SF State today on a whim
No plans, no appointments
But just because.

And boy, what a trip down memory lane it was!

As I drove my car around campus looking for parking,
I was reminded of the countless times I’ve passed these very same streets
Circling, following, and trying to fight for any available space
Urgently and fervently praying I wouldn’t be late for class.

The names of these streets escape me, but the paths are ingrained in my head
There isn’t an inch of road that I did not scour in search of “the perfect parking space.”

I got to campus and headed toward the Student Union,
The mecca and center of all student life activity.
Seeing that it was a Saturday afternoon,
I didn’t expect the usual hustle and bustle of college life passing me by.
Rather, I was met by an almost empty campus
Sprinkled with students lazily basking in the sun or making their way to the library.

It was then that I was hit by a deep sense of nostalgia.
Just as the surrounding streets are etched in my mind,
So are the winding paths that lead to certain buildings.

I remembered the times when PACE would table for upcoming events, when student activists took the stage to open our minds and get us involved-
I remembered the hi’s and hello’s as I passed friends on the way to class-
Even the stolen kisses of past boyfriends and the feeling of being on cloud nine.

Making my way through the Student Union,
I was surprised at how much had changed and how much has stayed the same.
I even saw the familiar PACE office where I spent the majority of my time.
I went downstairs in search of the restroom and then momentarily found myself lost.

Then it came back to me-
The conference rooms, the pub, the Depot, the whole lower level eating area, the pool hall, and the game room
So many memories…

Finally finding the restroom, I resorted to that instinctive behavior I acquired years ago-
I checked every stall.
During my days at State, there was the occasional rape or robbery involving women in the restroom.
Campus safety was always an issue and all of us couldn’t be too safe
Traveling in pairs was the norm- it was the rule.
When the coast was clear, I sat and did my business
Looking over to my right, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Right above the toilet paper dispenser was the all too familiar chalkboard
Erotic, and sometimes neurotic, messages anonymously scribbled
Laugh out loud quips and even some to make you think.
I can’t recall if I ever participated in adding my own two cents about anything,
But taking it all in for what it was worth,
I’d like to think that I did.

I wandered more around campus, admiring the changes and feeling cheated
as I always do when I see improvements after my departure-
I climbed these stairs remembering how it led to the outside pyramids
Only to be led to a dead end instead.
Stairs leading to nowhere.

I resolved to find a quiet spot and found my refuge-
A lonely and weathered bench underneath a tree outside the Student Union.
It’s a bench that I’ve sat many a time, but today was different.

It has been eight years since I last attended SF State
And I’m beginning to feel my age.
Though it is a campus of different walks of life
Varied people of varied ages,
I feel old.

My college life, now well behind me, has left a huge imprint on everything I do.
College was one of the greatest times in my life that I’ll never forget.
I learned a lot about love, life, and friendship
I learned more about me.
Essentially, I grew up.
I would never trade those years for anything in the world.