I've been feeling so conflicted lately. I don't know what it is...but at the same time, I do. There's just been a whole bunch of random thoughts about nothing and everything running through my mind. I have these mental debates back and forth in my mind about one thing or another and in the end, it seems to be resolved...that is, until yet another thought pops into my head causing yet another debate to commence. It's a nonstop cycle.

I never used to think of myself as the jealous type. For the most part, I considered myself to be pretty secure in the relationships that I had. I rarely doubted that the relationship would flounder, but if I did, it was only because there was something definitely wrong in the relationship and that it was time to move on. Even as I started dating again, the potential few that were lucky to have moved on from just coffee dates always made me feel that I was the only one. Whether or not I was the only one remains to be seen.

Relationships are funny, aren't they? Especially now that I am older, I find that I don't have the tolerance for certain things anymore. I don't have the time to play games or go through the high school sh*t again. But why is it that when I am in my mid-30s that something so small can spark the little green monster in me to come to life? The very thought annoys me and frustrates me to no end. Why? Because it's a stupid game AND it's a major indication that communication isn't a priority. If there was honest communication going on and if both parties were forthcoming with information deemed necessary for a healthy relationship, then none of this would even be happening.

But as it is...here I am...feeling the green monster emerge. I'm trying to use good sense to squash it all out, but it ain't working. And maybe because I AM older, I have definitely acquired the FIA (the F*ck It attitude). Seriously? I don't have the time for this bullshit. The fact that I even took the time to blog about it irritates me.

Whether or not the jealously is warranted in truth or not, it doesn't matter...it's a feeling deep inside that can't let it go just yet.

I have EVERY right to be upset right now.

I specifically told you "no" to your question and yet, you still did it anyways. What makes you think it's okay? Seriously???

You have no idea what goes through my mind, but let me shed some clarity on the situation. I have been "warning" you that I get into this holiday funk every year...I tell you so that weird and awkward moments could be avoided. It's not that I'm giving you an excuse for my bitchiness, but at the same time, a little bit of understanding on your part would be fabulous. I'm already giving you a heads up that I may not be the best company to be around with during this time of year. I've even further explained WHY. I've opened myself up to you and you even witnessed one of my really bad days.

For me, it was one thing on top of the other- the busyness of work, the lack of sleep, the physical exhaustion taking its toll on my body, and yes, the holidays. I'll be the first to say that yes, it IS psychological. It's all in my mind....and how I deal with it oftentimes includes a lot of crying.

You came home and I had to acknowledge that you dropped off those Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes for me. I was grateful. My schedule did not allow me to do so and you stepped up to make sure it was taken care of. But you noticed that I had been crying....in fact, I had been crying nonstop for a couple of hours already. For me, I get easily distracted at what the reason for my initial crying started as....because as the crappy and pitiful feeling comes over me, all of the other crappy and pitiful feelings emerge from deep within. Really, it was just a bad day where I honestly did not have control of the tears.

You saw me and I could tell right away by the look in your eyes that you were concerned. It was sweet, but you kept pushing it. You wanted to comfort me and hug me, but I didn't want any of it. But somewhere along the way, the touch of your warm hugs made me surrender and I let you hold me. You held me as I cried...and it felt good to let it out, but in a lot of ways, it was still so very painful. Painful because YOU are part of the reason why I am crying.

That is why I've been feeling so conflicted lately. YOU have been having better days...perhaps it's due to the combination of therapy, medication, and your family supporting you...but to you, everything is just fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. That's how you put it. But you know what? Not to burst your bubble and not to squash any progress you've made thus far, you are NOT fine. I think in a lot of ways, you've more or less begun to control your emotional feelings to a point where it doesn't keep you up to the wee hours of the morning and where your mind isn't debating on what to do anymore. But this physical feeling of being fine has given you this false sense of confidence where you feel that you can take on the world. Don't get me wrong...I think that's great. BUT, it's very difficult for me to take in because I've seen how you've been for a long time and this transition into the new you has thrown me for a loop.

While you're feeling fine, I'm at that point in the year where I do NOT feel fine. I feel like shit all the time. I begin to ache for something that I haven't had in a long time and the building desire of that pains me. But you don't understand it. You see me when I'm sad and crying; you want to fix that and make the sadness go away...but the thing is? You can't.

The other day, you told me that I do not understand how YOUR situation or how YOU are feeling; I told you that you do not understand MINE. Because of the few relationships that you've had, you've always confessed that perhaps, there is not a lot that you understand about them. Yet, I've always believed that it doesn't matter HOW MANY relationships you've had, heartbreak is heartbreak. Whatever the situation is that we've found ourselves in the past, a broken heart still equals a broken heart.

BUT...I will pull rank for a quick second to prove a point. Yes, I have been in many relationships and while I am far from understanding them 100%, I've learned many lessons along the way. For one, the relationships that I had in high school and early college years can NOT be compared to relationships today. Looking back, one can't truly justify his or her actions from long ago. There was a lot of growing up, there was a lack of life experience, and really, that is how we grow up....by experiencing things along the way.

I've told you that I've been loved and I've been dumped. I shared that I was used and I was cheated on. I even told you that I continued to love even when lie after lie was revealed. But love makes you do stupid things, doesn't it? In all of these situations and relationships, there was a lot of crying, a lot of misunderstanding, and a lot of pain.

But here's the life lesson here.

Just because you've been hurt in the past relationship doesn't mean that you will get hurt in the next one. But BECAUSE you were hurt and were wronged, that experience has changed you and in so many ways, cautions you not repeat the same mistakes you did in the past. Yes, you were hurt...but your biggest mistake was believing that I would hurt you in the same way your ex-wife hurt you. We've all been hurt before. But we can't carry those hurts into the next relationship; else, it will fail. When two people decide to enter a new relationship, I'm not saying that there will be no baggage. There WILL be. AND...as we get older, the more baggage we will have. I'm not saying that we should deny those past hurts. What I'm saying is that you have to let it go in order to start fresh in the new relationship. It's only fair that you give that person the benefit of the doubt. We shared each other's hurts so that we could try and understand each other better...but you never let it go. And if you say that you DID let it go...it was too late.

With all of that said, we all backslide sometimes. During the holidays, I definitely do.

I told you that I wanted to be by myself for Thanksgiving. My plan was to eat my lil' Thanksgiving meal, watch my dvd, and drink up. But you were home. Your family party wasn't until dinner time and so you had some time to work on your modeling kit. I took that as an opportunity for us to build upon this friendship of ours that has appeared to be floundering on and off. I prepared the food and we were able to sit down and eat together. I prayed for us...I thanked God for all of His blessings...and I asked Him to bless our friendship. But that wasn't an indication that I wanted more from you.

I watched "Eat.Pray.Love." last night and I had so many other moments of clarity. The first time that I read Elizabeth Gilbert's book was when I was going through my own painful divorce. I cried as I read the book because I understood her loss and her pain. I felt envious of the journey she took to heal and find herself. That is something that I never got to do! She travels to Italy, India, and to Bali...and in each place, she learns many lessons that help her to recover.

Divorce isn't something that everyone understands unless you, yourself, have gone through it and experienced it. While I am so eternally grateful to my family and to my friends for being there for me, it wasn't always the best medicine for me. The people who offered advice were in happy relationships and marriages. It wasn't until I met friends who've been divorced that I felt connected to the world again. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It is a different kind of hurt that you can't imagine.

In time, the pain subsides and becomes a little less. You begin to find things that make you smile once again. You even meet people who help you smile even more. The moment you let go of some of that hurt is the moment when you begin to live life again. In the movie, the author, Liz, goes to Bali and talks to Ketut, a medicine man/wise man/fortune teller, etc. He tells her that in order to be happy, we have to find balance. Balance between heaven and earth. Balance within my our mind and our hearts. He gives her a picture of a person with four legs....four legs as a reminder to stay grounded. The person has no head, but there are eyes in the middle of the chest...this means that we shouldn't use our head to look out into the world, but to use our hearts instead. In the end, Liz is conflicted and she ended her relationship because she claimed that she could not keep the balance. But Ketut says that sometimes, in order to have balance in love, you have to be unbalanced in other areas. It's the same message...you have to let go in order to move on.

I need to find my balance again. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to take care of me again. It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? But I look around and I know that I'm not getting any younger. I want so much more out of my life and I need to do something about it.

da holidays...

My nights have not been very good lately. I find myself yearning for the comfort of my bed so I could close my eyes and close out the world around me. I've even taken out my nightlight so that my room could be almost pitch black.

In the morning, I find random tissues here and there...and it's not unusual that there are wet spots on my pillow. I've been crying myself to sleep again.

It's not something that I plan. It just happens. Call it what you want....to me, it's the holiday blues.

I'm beginning to get that anti-social bug again. I would rather be locked away in my bedroom than be out celebrating. It's as if I just don't have the energy to be around people right now. At work, I am surrounded by children and at the end of the day, I just want some peace and quiet. On the weekends, I want to unwind my mind....recover, if you will....and prepare for the next week for everything to start its cycle once again.

But it's that time of the year...

Thanksgiving. This was one of my favorite holidays because it meant that the whole family would be gathering together. I remember the first time that I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my family was the year that I got married. After that, I was in Minnesota and the holidays thereafter always left me homesick. Fast forward a few years and I'm back in California....back to where I belonged, but different and empty because of the curveball life threw at me. Because I was at my lowest point, I often felt like a burden to others...I didn't want anyone's sympathy and I sure as hell didn't want anyone's pity. I could not help but feel sad and angry ALL THE TIME.

But somewhere along the way, I began to see that light again. The dark cloud shifted away and I allowed to have some sunshine back in my life. Life was full of pleasant surprises, but like all good things, it ended. But wouldn't you know it? It was around Thanksgiving time. So while I may have many fond memories of this holiday from my youth, the past couple of years have fallen short.

But what sucks about the holidays is that it is a killer cluster: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. There is no reprieve until March!

Why do the holidays suck so bad? It ultimately comes down to one sad reality- I am alone. While having my family is everything to me, it doesn't count in this situation. It's not hard to flashback to the times when I wasn't alone and to the times when I had someone to call my own. It's no secret that I yearn for that again.

There's something missing from my life and I need to find it. I'm not quite sure what it is, but until I do find it, I don't think I can truly be happy just yet.

No More Words, Except These...

I am so completely exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. So much was said last night on your part and yet, when I had something to say, my words went unheard. As soon as I saw this, I decided that I had no energy left within me to make you hear me. I have been doing that for way too long.

I have always tried to make you hear me. You were one of those people who had to hear something repeatedly until you got the message. When what you heard finally registered, it was like hearing it for the first time...when in reality, it's as if I muttered the words thousands of times. I've oftentimes felt like a broken record, the needle skipping and returning to the same spot each time. I was tired of repeating everything from the beginning to the end; the very act sucked me dry.

I seriously thought that perhaps your memory was truly fading, but then you'd surprise me with random and trivial information from weeks and months ago. You wouldn't remember to lock the front door and yet, you would recall a particular comment about something of no particular importance. Your memory drove me nuts, but I tried to be patient with it.

When we began having serious arguments, we would argue about the same old shit. You had this obsession with my past and tried to analyze things that have been long gone from my own memory. You asked me to justify what I did over 10 years ago and when I couldn't, you'd tell me that I should've known better. Well excuse me, O Righteous one, I actually tried to live my life and made mistakes along the way. Isn't that what people normally do? Oh wait, I forget, you lived in a bubble. My bad.

At first, I really thought that our arguments were normal. Getting to know a new significant other, it's all part of it. Finding out their past, that's normal, too...but what's NOT normal is getting obsessed with it when it had absolutely nothing to do with you! Your insecurities were laid out on the table....and I knew from what you've told me about your past, that you didn't want to get hurt again. Your ex-wife cheated on you and you have a hard time trusting people. I get that. More than you know. But know that I never gave you a reason NOT to trust me...in fact, I've ALWAYS been upfront with you about everything. And you know that's the truth.

But you kept pushing it...you had it in your head that I would leave you for someone better. You began comparing yourself to my ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband and you had it in your mind that you would never live up to them. But see here...I never asked you to be like them!

You never gave me enough credit for loving you and you proved to be selfish in more ways than one. Yes, you were the nice guy....but your insecurity, your neediness, your constant need to be validated was too much. If I didn't start the conversation, you'd automatically think something was wrong...nevermind the fact that I had a long day at work. If I didn't hug you, you automatically thought that I've fallen out of love with you or that there was someone else. If I didn't greet you at the door, you would think something was up. All of the things that I was experiencing with you made me feel like I was back in high school! It was all trivial shit! You tell me that you've never had those high school experiences before and that you don't know how to act...yes, our experiences are way different, but the idea that a 30+ year old man didn't know certain things was beyond my comprehension...but again, I was patient.

One of the reasons why I was drawn to you was because we shared something in common. Our marriages did not work. I felt like we were a comfort to each other. It's always good to have someone understand you without needing to explain detail for detail about something. When I was going through my own divorce, the people whom I wanted to turn to the most turned out to be the wrong people. Here they were in happy marriages giving me advice about divorce! No, I couldn't believe that they knew how I felt- how could they? But as I was going through my darkest times pre- and post-divorce, I learned an important lesson....and I wanted to share that with you.

I wanted to let you know that the pain subsides....I wanted to let you know that you CAN live and breathe again....and I wanted to let you know that time really does heal all hurts. But divorce is tricky. I liken it to a scab. First you get cut and you bleed. It's painful and it hurts. Sometimes you feel that the cut is so deep that you'll never recover from it. But it starts to clot and becomes a scab. Some people like me like to pick off my scabs. And you and I know what happens when you do it- it bleeds again. But after a while, you begin to lose interest in the scab and it eventually falls off naturally. Sometimes the cut might've been so deep that it leaves a scar. You can touch the scar...but it won't bleed anymore. It may get achy at times, but it really is just a reminder of how you got hurt, but got better afterwards. Divorce is like that. It's done. It's past. But it'll always be part of your life. It may hurt from time to time as you reminisce how you got cut in the first place, but it will never hurt as bad as it initially did.

As more time passes, the hurt begins to fade...but just like a scab, you have to forget about it and let it heal.

But there's another lesson that I have learned....and it's that you really can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. During my divorce, I didn't want the help. I needed to be on my own. I needed to boycott family functions and just be myself. I wasn't ready to hear advice and I was in no position to start rebuilding my life again. I had too much anger, hurt, and bitterness. But it finally came to the point where it took too much effort to be angry...and when I came to that realization, I knew it was at that moment that I was ready to be helped and comforted.

You? You're not ready. You THINK you're ready. You WANT to be ready, but you're in freakin' denial. And because of this, our relationship suffered. Because you couldn't really deal and face what hurt you in the first place, you carried it into our relationship and made ME deal with it. Sounds unfair, doesn't it?

I wanted to be there for you...I wanted to help you...I wanted to comfort you...and I wanted to be THAT woman that made you realize that it's okay to love again. I wanted to be the one to prove to you that not all women are the same....that I wouldn't hurt you the way your ex hurt you....and that I could make you happy in the ways that she couldn't. But you never gave me enough credit for loving you. Your clear distrust became a burden and it weighed heavily on my shoulders. I didn't want to walk on eggshells for you because I believed that you needed to hear the truth, but perhaps, tough love was too harsh and the wrong way to go.

Choosing to live with you may have been a big mistake, but it was the biggest form of commitment that I could show you. I felt that you needed something "big" from me and this was it. I thought it would be enough to ease your mind, but it turned out that it wasn't. The week we moved in was crazy busy, but we decided to celebrate my birthday anyways....but as I would find out later, you felt uneasy from the very beginning. Here I thought that things were going great...only to find out that they weren't. I can't even remember how many times it felt like we broke up and got back together again. There were so many fights...BIG ones. So big that I felt that our neighbors must've hated me for making such loud disruptions at God-awful hours of the night. Here I thought that moving in with you would make you feel better about our relationship....here I thought that you would feel less insecure....here I thought that we could move forward in our relationship...but I was wrong. Moving into the 2-bedroom caused even more arguments....how could it get worse?

So here we are....three months into our year-lease. We lived together for a total of 8 months and what did we learn? We CANNOT do it!

I started this blog post with something in mind to say, but it's been lost amid all of the rest of the bullshit that I am now remembering. You asked me this morning if I hated you...and I asked you if you wanted me to. You said yes. If that will help you to move on and forward with your life, then okay. You seem to think that I mean the opposite of what I say, but don't get it twisted. You do that with what I say and take things out of context....you misinterpret and you misunderstand, but that's only because you don't give me time to explain...and even when I DO explain, you want it told to you few hundred consecutive times.

So when I have nothing to say, it's only because it's already been said. You want to make things worse? Go right ahead. You want to make things awkward? You already have. You want to put the blame on ME for all the shit that's gone down? Be my guest. I have lost ALL of my patience for this relationship and I have NO energy left. You say that perhaps it's not the guys that I"ve gone out with, but maybe it's ME that has the problem. Maybe something is wrong with ME. Maybe the reason why relationships didn't work out was because of ME. You know what? Maybe it is! But at least I am putting myself out there and TRYING to live life. At least I can make a fucking decision and DO something about it. Your mistake? Your mistake was never really understanding what I went through. That's where you failed. Epicly.

Congratulations for breaking my heart....again. Don't worry about me, though, because it's happened to me before....and just like the excuse you love to use, "I'm used to it."Nevermind the fact that I have done nothing but really try and be your friend....it's just unfortunate that you couldn't handle it. YOU messed up...not me. You'll turn around and say that it will be "easy" for me to replace you. Really? Are you fucking serious? You think that after all of this crap that I've had to go through that I really want to subject myself to this AGAIN? But wait...eventually I will. Eventually, I will open up my heart to love again...and I will do so as if I've never been hurt so bad. 'Cuz I HAVE been hurt. BADLY. That is what I did with you.....unfortunately, it wasn't what you did with me.

Do what you gotta do....ease your troubled mind and keep telling yourself that it was my fault...repeat it over to yourself and tell yourself everyday...do it to help you move forward.

In the end, I'll always know the real truth.

For Me...and only me.

I'm done walking on eggshells for anyone anymore. In fact, I really don't know why I've ever succumbed to writing for anyone else other than me. Perhaps knowing that I had a mini-following built up that pressure to write something, in my eyes, worth reading. I've never doted on myself for being a great writer. There are tons of blogs...no one would take the time to read mine...unless I specifically invited them to do so.

Knowing that that are certain people who visit this site on and off has kept me from writing. Writing has been my refuge. It has allowed me to leave my current shitty state of mind and vent. Whether what came out of that was poetic or whatnot is up to the reader. But I started to censor my true feelings. Why? So I wouldn't hurt someone else's?! Screw that! They don't like what they read, they could move on. Don't visit my blog if you are feeling ultra sensitive about something. I am not here to make you feel better.

That has been a grave mistake on my part. In essence, because I have been "watching what I write," it has just resulted in me being very stressed out and frustrated! I have not had the kinds of "release" necessary for the rest of me to function properly otherwise...and I'm not talking sexual frustration either- lol! When I don't get all of my thoughts down, my mind starts to go crazy. It's as if the thoughts running around in my mind begin to overflow and crowd my brain....maybe that's why I have this frickin' huge headache right now!

From here on out, this is just for me. You may be here for a reason...maybe because you want to genuinely know how MnM is doing, maybe you're bored at work and need a distraction....hell, maybe you need something to make yourself feel better so you thought you'd read up on the "soap opera" that is my life so you can realize that no, your problems are not as bad as you once perceived. Whatever your reasons are, I respect them.

Just do me this one thing and return the favor. You don't have to like WHAT I write. You don't have to like HOW I write. And just know that from here on out, I write for me...and no one else.

Peace.

Starting Over...Again

I haven't written in a long time. I haven't had the longing or the need. I haven't had the inspiration.

Perhaps I have had my "I am SO blogging about that!" moments, but the follow through wasn't there. As I reread my previous posts, I complain how I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Made me also realize that blogging was more of an outlet to vent out frustrations and sadness than it was to share about all of these wonderful experiences that were happening. Then again, if one lacks in the wonderful experiences section, then writing about them would almost be impossible.

I find myself at a crossroads once again. Transition is a concept I know too well. I honestly do not believe that I was truly comfortable with where I've been lately.

I try my best to live my life without regrets. Sure, there are experiences that I am quick to dismiss or conveniently forget. Correction, there are MANY. Still, there is nothing to regret...only lessons to be learned. I've accepted a long time ago that things happen for a reason. There are moments where I've wished alternate outcomes and I've definitely had my share of mentally debating "what if" scenarios. I've come to realize that when things do not go my way, it just wasn't the right time for it to happen. I believe that each experience preps me for even greater experiences down the line. When? Only time will tell. I don't want to waste time worrying about WHY events played out the way they did; I'd rather focus on what it is that I need to do, if and when it happens again.

Life here on earth is too short. There really is no time for bullsh*t anymore. I'm tired of the personal soap operas and the rollercoaster rides. It's time to do something for myself. It's time to be happy again. Starting over is never an easy task, but if I sit and do nothing, the world will pass me by.

It's time to let go....and let live.

Less Than Four...

Fast forward four months and the date is June 20th. By that time, the school year will have ended and hopefully, all of my lil' rugrats will have advanced to the next grade level. In four months, many of my kids will either be in summer school or on some long-awaited vacation.

Where will I be?

I've actually been thinking ahead to what summer holds for me. Many are envious of the long summer break that I have and while yes, it IS a perk, it's not all fun and games. Not many consider all of the prep work that goes into the next school year. There are lessons to revise, papers to gather and xerox, papers to file, research to do, a room to reorganize, and the list goes on. As a teacher, my work is never done! Even when I'm on vacation, I see something that can be used in the classroom. When I'm at the bookstore, I browse the children's section to see what would be great additions to my library. I go to the beach to relax and I see shells, sand dollars, and rocks that I just need to take a picture of to take back to my classroom. Anywhere I go, there will ALWAYS be an opportunity for something school-related that will make my mind work a million times a second to see how I could incorporate it into my class curriculum. It never stops.

BUT...when the last day of school is done and over with, I DO allow myself to just veg. Chill. Relax. Chillax, if you will.

I am looking forward to this summer for many reasons. One, I have been eager to get back into running. With my current commute into da city, I simply don't have the time to go out for a run. I've been slowing down, but I refuse to fall back into anything considered unhealthy. Second, I've got it in my mind that I'm going to teach myself the guitar. I've had a guitar for years and I know a few chords here and there. But, I'm serious about this and I'm determined. I would LOVE to bring my guitar to school, bust it out, and have a lil' sing-a-long with my class- how awesome would that be?! In fact, for my upcoming birthday, I'm going to splurge and buy myself a brand new acoustic. This time, I will do my research and find one that is just the right size. By the end of the summer, I'll be that strummin' fool! Third, I will be in my new apartment...one that I will be sharing with my Sweets. This has been a long time coming, although the journey thus far has been rocky. It seems like we haven't had a break in much, but if I look ahead four months, I can already see the beginning of something great...not only in our relationship, but just in life in general. Living with da family has been great- the only downfall is the distance. Hanging out with the kiddies is always a treat and having my daily night conversations with my sis is always what I need. It sure beats talking to her on the phone! I will definitely miss all of this when the time comes to move forward (and out!), but it's time to get my life started.

It's funny...getting my life started. I'm going to be 36 years old, for crying out loud! But life has been life...and dealing with what life has thrown me so far hasn't been easy. God and time has been the ultimate healer- I've said that once before- and it's true. All the experiences that I've encountered, good and bad, have continued to shape me into who I am today. And as we journey on the path that God presents to us, we are either ready to face it or not. When we're not ready, there are lessons to be learned that help us to be ready the next time around.

Our life is like a book- one story with many chapters. Sometimes, it feels like we are living one hell of a chapter, but then, it comes to an end. I wouldn't know what genre to categorize my book. Adventure? Fantasy? Horror? Tragedy? LOL...whatever it'd be, I smell a #1 bookseller that Oprah will love! I guess I would say that it's a combination of many things. I'd like to think that I could look back on my 36 years and say, "Wow...I've done a lot!"

I'm looking forward to having my SECOND life started...with my Sweets. Life after divorce seemed impossible for a long time. I honestly thought that I was living THE Ally McBeal life- one that would be lived all by my lonesome. I almost accepted that I would never find love again. But I was wrong...thank God! In essence, everything had to happen the way it did- getting married, moving to Minnesota, being/feeling alone, accepting Christ, finding strength to leave, moving back to California, getting married (again, but for real this time!), getting a divorce, dealing with divorce, being in debt, being jobless, finding a job, moving out, dating online, dating guys who've come and gone, being alone AGAIN.

And when life seemed like a repeat episode from Ally McBeal, I got a friend request on Facebook...

Disappointment

Life is full of them. It's something that we experience in order to learn; it's what makes us stronger in the end. One can't help but feel down and discouraged when faced with disappointment- it's all synonymous. I have to admit, when I am truly disappointed, instant tears well up in my eyes. It's not full out sobbing or anything close to that, but rather, it's like an instant physiological response of having your hopes dashed. Sounds much more dramatic than it really is. Other times, my inner sailor comes out and I curse up a storm. Doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better. Sorta.

I've definitely had my share of disappointment, but that alone doesn't make me stand out from everyone else. Who am I to say that my experiences have been the most disappointing? I don't care who you are, but no matter how bad you think your life is, there is ALWAYS someone who is going through something worse.

Take my marriage, for example. Things got bad and even though I tried my best to save it, it ended in divorce. Besides acquiring a shitload of debt, coming back to CA penniless, and losing all of my possessions, it could've been worse. Some said that it was a good thing that I never had a child with him. Yes, I could see how that would've made it worse. In fact, I've told many people that had I been a mom, I would've seriously reconsidered ever leaving him in the first place.

But through all of that, I'm so very thankful. Thankful that it wasn't as bad as I thought. You always hear stories of women who are abused and don't leave their marriage out of fear. THANK GOD that was not me! The ex-hubby is many things, but he was NEVER physically abusive. Later on, I would learn that when I first moved to Minnesota, my parents feared for my safety. In 2003, the Laci Peterson case was the big news and in many ways, they thought I would fall into the same situation. In all honesty, I never feared the ex like that. I somehow knew that he would rather do something to himself before me, but again, I'm grateful that I didn't need to worry about either.

Things were bad...but it's not as worse as it seems.

When disappointment comes our way, it sucks. We need to take it like a grain of salt and just move on. We shouldn't allow it to get us so down that hope seems impossible. Sure, give it time to sink in...cry, wallow, sulk, do whatever it is that you feel, but certainly after all of that is over, move forward. It's the only thing we CAN do. Life is full of disappointments. We will be knocked down over and over again, but we need to get back up on our feet and try again. I hear Aaliyah's song in my mind, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try it again."

It's sound advice. It's easier said than done. But ultimately, I like to look at it from another perspective.

God allows things to happen all the time, everytime. He has already mapped out our life from the smallest details to the biggest. God knows all of our disappointments because He allowed them to occur. He knew that He had to make big things in our life go down in order for us to learn a lesson. With those lessons, we are able to move forward in the way that He wants. It's all part of His bigger plan for us. When we are wanting something so bad and we don't get it, it's because God didn't think it was best at the time. So whatever our disappointments we've had, you can either say that it was absence of luck...or that God was just watching out.


**Sam, it's been three years...I still miss you. Hope you're enjoying Heaven and that you're continuing to watch over us. RIP.

CrazyLove

I've been trying to read this book by Francis Chen for some time now. I actually can't believe that it's taking me so long to finish it considering that it's only ten chapters long. It's not one of those "read-in-one-sitting" kind of books nor is it something I need to rush through. This book requires a lot of reflection and self-evaluation and I want to make sure that I allot the due time needed for it to do its work in me.

It's been a tough read. It's not the choice of vocabulary that goes over my head that makes it tough; it's more the content that challenges my thinking and forces me to face up to the truth of my convictions...or lack thereof.

This book points out that many Christians become too comfortable in their spiritual journey. While everyone's walk with God will be unique to each individual, do we settle into "saying," rather than "doing?" Many will choose that they are, indeed, a doer...but then the question becomes "How are you in the doing?" Do we follow Christ's footsteps wholeheartedly with passion and conviction? Or do we grudgingly follow half-heartedly? Are we focused on Him or do we get distracted along the way? Do we "do" simply because it's expected of us as Christians or do we "do" because we choose to and desire to?

There are countless passages in the Bible that tell us of God's love. In fact, the word "love" is mentioned 697 times in the Bible. That's a lotta love! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." Whenever I read or hear that verse, it all just blows me away. We are not meant to truly comprehend the almighty power of God, but to know that He loved US so much that He sent his own son to die for OUR sins? That Jesus died for ME? ME?! I mean, who am I?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

We are taught to substitute each "love" with the word, "Jesus." Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind...Jesus never fails.

THAT blows me away 100x over.

Here is this God,our God, who does SO MUCH for us, for me. He gave us his ONLY son so that he could die a gruesome death to pay for my sins.

What do I give him...or rather, what SHOULD I be giving?

The answer: OUR BEST.

But in actuality, we don't. We get distracted by everyday life and what we end up giving is anything but mediocre. God deserves so much more than that, but we all easily forget. Time and time again, we WILL forget. But there's hope...c'mon ya'll, there's ALWAYS hope!

In order for us to give our very best, we must make changes to our current life. Seven years ago, I made a HUGE change in my life by accepting Christ to be my Lord and Savior. My life was in the shithole and I knew deep in my gut that I couldn't survive it on my own. I had reached rock-bottom and I was stuck. The good news was that when you're as down as you can ever get, the only way you can go is UP! But you have to make that decision to do so AND you have to ask for help to get outta there.
But it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. After you make that decision to make your life better, it's a work-in-progress FOREVER! It's one of those things that you have to constantly work at and continually seek guidance for.

Again, how easily we forget...how easily I forget.

My life HAS been different, but I still stumble and fall. While I do seek Him, I tend to rely on my own ways more. While I do trust Him, I can't seem to see the bigger picture until it's too late. While I have given my life to Him, I know that something pulls me back from surrendering to him completely.

This comedian once said, "It's way too hard to follow Jesus, I think I'll just go to hell."

Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy. It IS hard...but not impossible. Francis Chen gives this great illustration of living a Christian life: Imagine a never-ending escalator. Everyone takes a spot on the escalator and enjoys the ride down. But following Jesus is going UP while everyone is going down. You may piss some people off as you're going the opposite direction on the escalator because you're bumping into them or disturbing their ride, but following Jesus requires work. Work to climb up those stairs, work to be like him. Many of us do this, but there's a time when we get tired of climbing and of getting the nasty stares from other people...so we stop, turn around, and ride like everyone else. It's a choice...ride down or climb up.

I know that I haven't been giving God my ultimate best and I want to change that. There are so many things on my mind and an endless to-do list to complete, but these are poor excuses. I need to take a step from my supposedly busy life and acknowledge Him and what's He's done. God's love for us is mad crazy- indescribable, imcomprehensible, so over our heads- but He deserves nothing but our very best. I just hope that my love for Him can be as crazy as His love for me is.

Days Off Rock

I LOVE days off of work...who doesn't? Today is President's Day. It's already 1pm and I haven't really done much. So far, I had a late breakfast with da fam after sleeping in. That's about it.

At this point in the year, it's safe to assume that for most teachers, we live for these lil' holidays. Us teachers enjoy the lil' perks, you know. My school had last Friday off for Chinese New Year! Sweet, yah? It's been a productive past few days. We got to hang out with Sweet's family, got to watch "Valentine's Day" in the theaters on opening day, and even spent an evening watching "500 Days of Summer" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" on dvd. I love those kind of days! Just hanging out with family and my sweets is all I really need.

I SHOULD be correcting papers. I've had FOUR days to organize my unending piles. It's embarrassing, really, to see how far behind I've gotten in my corrections. But in my defense, I've been really TIRED! I'll get to it today...eventually. Really. I will.

What AM I doing instead? Well, besides trying to get myself back into writing mode, my mind is completely distracted with other things...mainly, moving out!

Moving, in and of itself, is just a sucky process. BUT...if it means that my commute will be shorter, that I'll have more time to get back into running (just in time for the upcoming Bay to Breakers in May!), that I'll have more time to sleep at normal hours, and that I'll be with my sweets? Well shoot, it's all worth it! I'm excited and nervous at the same time...it's only a matter of a couple of days when I know for certain that things will be moving forward...sayin' my prayers...

As is my routine for Sunday evenings, I'll wait until the last minute to get started on my papers...work until the wee hours of the morning...lay my head down for what I believe will be 5 minutes...wake up to find that I've been out for TWO extra hours...head into murderous traffic that will make my commute way longer than it should...and be late for work. Ugh. Sounds awful!

Okay, okay...maybe I should start on my work now. Wish me luck.

LUCKY 7

It's about time. It's been a long time coming. I've dreamed about this and yearned for it for years, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken each time. It's stupid, really, for me to want to celebrate Valentine's Day...something so overly commercialized where people are sucked in to believe that this is the day to tell the people we love how we feel. Shouldn't that be everyday? Of course! But sad to say, I'm still a sucker. A corny, hopeless romantic.

I actually don't recall the last real Valentine's Day that I celebrated. For sure, none while I was married stick out in my mind. Since 2003, this holiday got lost in the cracks and just became a regular, ordinary day. Then, there was that first Valentine's that I had after coming back from Minnesota...I ended up watching "Music and Lyrics" at the theaters all my lonesome. How pathetic was I?!

In 2009, I began the year with such high hopes. I thought, this MAY be the year that my "dry spell" of having a "black day" on Love Day would be over. I thought wrong. BUT...there was a lil' piece of sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds. I "met" this guy online... LOL! Not those stories again! On the real, he was this college professor from Texas. Nice guy, easy to talk to, and sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in time for Valentine's Day...and we've never even met! We talked for a few weeks, but with the time difference and our busy schedules, the interest dwindled. It was mutual. No hard feelings. Still, it was nice to know that someone thought about me that day.

2009 continued on. For a while, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was left with no other option but to start online dating again. I tried, but it got tired very quickly. Coffee dates came and went. I even saw this guy for a couple of months, although I wouldn't have labeled him as my boyfriend. Prior to him, I did have a steady relationship for about six months with a guy whom I though had lots of potential, but unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and it was time to move on.

All of these dates, all of the supposedly potential guys...all of them helped me to further get on with my life. Each and every time I put myself out there, I was becoming a more confident woman. I knew that I wouldn't be happy with just anyone and I respected myself enough now to find a guy who respected me in return as well.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2010. I spent a quiet evening with my guy. I've been with my sweets since July and it's been quite a ride thus far. No relationship is perfect and we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. But through breakups and makeups, we're still together. We continue to grow and learn about each other...and as it is leading, to a deeper level of commitment that we both have been searching for.

It took seven years- SEVEN YEARS- to finally enjoy and spend a Valentine's holiday with someone. I was beginning to think that love wasn't in my cards, but thankfully, I was proven wrong.

*Happy 1st Valentine's Day, Sweets...I love you.

It's February...2010

I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.

A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.

As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.

Simply...it's February.

Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.

It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.

Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.

What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.

Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..

It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.

I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.

You know what???

I AM TIRED.

Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???

When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.

He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.

Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.

The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.

He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.

I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.

I blame him for all of these things and much more.

Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.

So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.

Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...

...just the beginning...

Then and Now

For those that know me, it's no secret that I am the keeper of all significant dates. I don't quite know what it is, but I lean towards the theory that I am masochistic and must enjoy the pain of reliving certain events that especially brought me heartache. Instead of moving forward like normal people, I relive those moments as if it were yesterday.

February 16, 2003.

It was an already crappy weekend. Hubby at the time just came back from San Diego and right off the bat, something was up. It being Valentine's Day weekend, I was disappointed that things weren't lovey dovey as I had hoped...plus, it would've been our first as a married couple. When things needed to be discussed, it was his usual tendancy to clam up. Me, on the other hand, liked to talk things out...not right away, but yes, after a significant time that we should. He told me that he had something to tell me...and by the look on his face, I knew that it wasn't good news.

I was patient at first. But then, I got frustrated by his silence. It was then that I became persistent...probably annoyingly so to the point where I was just plain angry.

I finally blurted out, "What is it? Do you have a kid or something?!"

Silence.

He didn't need to say anything because the look on his face said it all. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why I said it. But I remember feeling as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe because of the shock. And he just sat at the edge of the bed with his head down...ashamed. I don't know how much time had passed when I started screaming at him. I can't even recall the profanities that escaped my mouth, but I do remember throwing the remote control against the wall and slapping him hard. I wish I could've seen inside of his head...to feel what he was feeling as I was yelling at him. Because for me, I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Did he feel that? Could he feel that?

It took me a while to calm down. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't be in the same room as him. I remember feeling so nauseated.

But I had to know the truth...I had to know about the child in question. Perhaps ex-hubby was scared of my reaction...maybe he was scared I'd hit him again because he kept his distance...but what followed next was something I was totally unprepared for. I asked him who the kid was and he had to correct me saying that there were TWO kids, not one. And in fact, I already knew who these kids were...they were the "nieces" that he's always talked about and prided himself about how close he felt to them. I've seen pictures and videos of these "nieces" before, but to find out that they were, indeed, his daughters left me speechless. Why didn't he tell me?

This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know how to handle it and my biggest mistake was not telling my family about it right away. How could I? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Embarrassed and ashamed because I SHOULD HAVE known something as important as my future husband having two grown daughters.

Ironically, we were already living in Foster City. I remember leaving the apartment and driving off. I didn't have a destination in mind, but I ended up at a random park in San Mateo. I sat at a bench for what seemed like hours and I remember watching all the people pass me by. I felt numb. I couldn't move. Even if I wanted to, I don't think my legs would've been able to support the weight of my own body. I DID make one call...and that was to my supervisor at work. As vaguely as I could, I told her that I was going through something very personal and that I wouldn't be able to make it in to work at all. It being President's Day weekend, I'd miss four days of school. I was so grateful to her because she didn't pry. Perhaps the request seemed so urgent and maybe the cracking of my voice gave it away, but she told me to take all the time that I needed. I never told anyone at work what happened...not right away anyways...but later on, I would hear the rumors going around about me that I never bothered to squash. The word was that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I heard it for myself and I let people believe it. No one asked questions and I preferred it that way.

Every year since then, February has been a trying month. The depression that plagued me for the next four years was no joke. It wasn't only psychological and emotional, the pain was also physical. Those four days that I didn't go to work was spent in bed. I was completely lethargic...I might as well died...because to me, at that moment, it was as if my world had stopped. You know how there are stages of grief and loss? Well, I skipped a lot of them and didn't handle my grief so well...and that is why I am screwed in the head. But when I had to return to work, I wore the smile that everyone expects of me and went about my day as normally as I could. No one would suspect anything was ever wrong and I intended to keep it that way.

Thank goodness that February is the shortest month! Since 2003, I dreaded February. I dreaded President's Weekend. I dreaded February 16th because my body would react automatically and plunge into this melancholic stupor that would last for days. Last year was different. I actually felt somewhat okay...and it was then that I realized that I was letting the pain, anger, and bitterness go. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. A movie, a song, a picture, or a letter could trigger my emotions so easily, but I knew that I had survived the worst. It DOES get better, by golly, but shit, did it have to take so freakin' long?

Little did I know back then that 2003 would only be the beginning of the end. I was hopeful that we could work it out, in fact, I wanted nothing more. I wanted to be that couple that withstood the drama and proved to everyone that yes, we would be okay. For a long time, I felt like a failure. I thought that if I forgave him just one more time...if I tried one more time. But lie after lie was killing me slowly and I became a whole different person that I no longer recognized. In the end, I HAD to leave. Leaving him and the effects thereafter has been, hands down, the toughest trial in my life.

February 16, 2009.

I woke up sad. Maybe it was habit. My body just knows. It was pouring rain out and I decided to go for a walk. I thought about him and everything that happened six years ago, but surprisingly so, there was no bitterness or anger. Again, maybe the sadness is out of habit. But then, I thought about the Music Maestro...yes, yes, I stated in my previous post that I would try harder to get over him, but that's when I started to feel down. I remember thinking to myself that wow, my luck with Valentine's Day would be different in 2009 because I have a boyfriend. Had.

I just finished watching "In The Land of Women" and the main character is heartbroken over a failed relationship. There's a line where Adam Brody's character shares that "...the further I get away from that (the drama with the girl), I'm not so sure that was real love..." Could that be me with the Music Maestro? I've gone on and on how I believed that he was THE ONE and yet, I find myself crying over him way too much than he deserves. There's definitely something wrong with this picture.

I AM okay...a tad melancholy...but nothing that a lil' retail therapy couldn't fix. So it wasn't clothes or shoes that I splurged on, but rather food and dvds...still. I guess I had to write about 2003 one more time 'cuz there is no way in hell that I'll be doing this again next year- lol. So what if it stings a little bit...what happened with the Music Maestro was like adding salt to the injury...but it heals in time as it always does. There's a lesson to be learned and though I may not know it at the moment, it shall all be revealed when it needs to be.

Happy anniversary to me...MnM is free. <3

8:56pm

Valentine's Day. Bah. Humbug.

I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to celebrate this overly commercialized holiday when I know that it shouldn't just take one day out of the year to tell someone that you love 'em. I know. And yet, I've always been that girl who'd melt over the just-perfect card and get giddy over handpicked flowers.

I woke up feeling like shit. The night before, the exhaustion of parent-teacher conferences, my recent field trip, and the ever-so-boring teacher in-service hit me like a ton of bricks. My body was achy, my throat was sore, my head was throbbing, and my eyes just wanted to close. At 7pm-ish, I decided to take some Nyquil and call it a night. After 13 hours of sleep, you'd think it would've done me some good. Nada. I felt worse this morning, but I really didn't want to stay in bed all day. I forced myself to drive to Mickey D's for my morning coffee and I actually felt a little bit better.

It being V-Day, I knew that I wasn't up for any kind of company. I'm just not in the mood, surely ya'll can understand, right? It's funny 'cuz there are these 2 comments on my recent post and I have no idea who they are from. But the gist of their message was to "get over it" and "move on." Wise words and good intentions....but don't you think I'm trying?

Apparently not hard enough.

I've been a total couch potato today...either I was in front of the tv catching all of the lovey dovey Valentine flicks OR I was online updating my facebook. NOT as pathetic as it sounds...really. If you really should know, here is what I accomplished today.

1) I updated my MySpace account...took down the picture/slideshow of the Music Maestro and myself.

2) I updated this blog by removing the picture of us from Catalina Island.

3) I updated my facebook album cover so it wouldn't be him and me anymore.

It may seem so insignificant, but these were really huge steps for me. It took me a while to actually delete/remove them...and as for facebook, I didn't have the heart to completely erase them. It's a step in the right direction...not a question here, but a statement.

I DID have my giddy moment today...this, I must share. There's no shame in admitting that I've been looking online AGAIN...'cuz it's better than just moping around and boring my friends to death about the same old shit. (I am grateful that ya'll lend an ear, though...really!)

So I "met" this guy...lol. My friend Helene always laughs when I start my sentences like this. "Met" as in via email and actual phone call. No meeting in person because he's halfway across the country in Texas. Yessir...Texas. In a nutshell, he seems like a normal, decent guy. He's a college professor (and just to make sure, I even googled him...and there he was!). Anyways...he sent me flowers! It really wasn't a surprise that he sent them...'cuz he DID ask for my address...but the surprise was in the fact they came on time AND the arrangement was very beautiful- 4 red roses, 4 pink roses, and 4 yellow roses. I mean, he didn't have to...but he did. And it was really sweet of him...It definitely put a smile on my face and it did make me feel giddy. It was nice to have that warm fuzzy feeling inside again.

The rest of the day went on...more tv, more movies, more facebook...I swear, I was doing oh so well...until 8:56pm. It's not a magical or significant time; rather, I just happen to look at my watch when I was reaching for the tissue.

I went the entire day NOT really thinking about him...yet, a part of me HOPED that there would've been something in the mail from him. A part of me HOPED that I'd get an email or a text. Did you know that I had bought him a Valentine's Day right after New Year's? I was at Target (like that's a big surprise...) and V-Day cards just came out. I was walking by the display when one caught my attention. It was a cat maestro conducting...and it had all of the musical tempos- andante, fortissimo, pianissimo, pizzicato, adagio...it was the perfect card! Naturally, I bought it for him. Egads...there's actually quite a few cards that I've bought with the intention of giving them to him eventually. Not anymore! Ha. But my point is, there's so much that I equate with him...there's so many things that remind me of him...it's all around me and it drives me nuts! So when people (with good intentions) tell me to "just get over it" and "move on," I can't. It's easier said than done. And maybe if you truly understood how hard I fell for him, then you'd know just how hard it is to move on...

But I deleted his pictures today...again, a small step in the eyes of many; a huge step for My. Lol...sorry, that sounded so cheesy. As I deleted them, I felt my heart break a little bit and that's what triggered the tears. Then I got mad...mad that I allowed myself to cry over him today of all days.

I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I doubt it. He would've called if he wanted to.

"He's just not that into you, My."

Okay, okay...I hear ya'...and because he didn't call or contact me, I vow to try harder...starting today.

You

...were the first person that I thought of the minute my last conference was over. As I packed my belongings, I automatically reached for my cell to check if anyone had called. For some odd reason, I secretly hoped there'd be a message from you...but why would there be one?

...were the one that I wanted to call this week. This week has been HELL and aside from my friends at work, I wanted to share my frustrations with you. I longed to hear your sarcastic comments about everything and I wanted to feel that acknowledging sympathy that only another teacher could feel. I wanted to ask your opinion on things, but I prided myself in the fact that not once did I call or text you. Why would I?

...were the one that I thought of as I sat in traffic. Driving south towards the Peninsula wasn't as bad as the congested traffic going north. I realized that today was Wednesday and had things been different, you would've been in your truck heading up my way in that very same traffic.

There are days when I miss you like crazy. It sounds pathetic, but sometimes I re-read some of your texts that I saved. It's eerie how one lil' text can bring the exact moment and situation to mind. Then, there are days when I have a "screw you" mentality. Eventually, I try and go about my day as if it's any other day....and then it feels as if we never went out in the first place. I get my "Twilight" moment of when Edward left Bella and says that it will be "as if he never existed." I can't quite put your pictures away and most of all, I continue to wear the pendant you gave me for Christmas.

With February being February, it's been an overall HELLish month. My body has automatically reacted and the result is pure discomfort and indescribably aches.

I'm told to just forget you...but I can't...yet. Honestly? I don't want to.

Can't I...

...have the whole package?

I stayed home from work today. I had asked for the day off previously in order to recover from the Kaiser Half Marathon I was supposedly to have run yesterday. As it turns out, my knees and my lower back have been acting up...there would've been no way that I would've finished the run without seriously injuring myself. I thought I was cool, going for simple runs here and there, but with all of the personal drama that is the soap opera of my life, I was not mentally prepared. And you know what they say...it's usually 90% mental and 10% physical. Or something like that. Either way, the whole Music Maestro thing put me outta whack and my marathon prep went out the door. Dammit...I was pretty bummed and disappointed that I didn't participate, but I know that there will be other ones soon to come.

Anyways, I caught an episode of Gilmore Girls this morning. How I love reruns of this show...nevermind that I have most of the seasons on DVD- lol! Anyways, for those who aren't fans, it basically centers around a mother-daughter relationship...the ups and downs of their lives...the struggles of being a single mom...etc. The mom had the daughter at 16 years old, never married the father, but was still able to raise a great kid all on her own. In this particular episode, the mom and dad seemed to be getting back together. It's been years and while they've maintained contact for the sake of the kid, they had led separate lives until now. They talked about being a family...being together as they should have been...talking about making up the years they lost, etc. Just when you think a happy ending is close at hand, the inevitable happens. Turns out dad's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is pregnant...and wanting to do the right thing, he decides to stay with her and forego his plans of reuniting with his daughter's mother.

It's heartbreaking...because all this time, you're rooting for Lorelei, the mom. You WANT her to be happy because she's definitely had her share of heartbreak. She's always wanted that family unit, even though she was content that it was her and her daughter for so long.

In the end, she's sad and crying. She laments her situation. Yes, she IS lucky to have her daughter. Yes, she IS thankful for her home and job. Yes, she IS grateful for wonderful friends who support and love her no matter what. Yet, there's something that's missing that makes her feel incomplete. She wants the WHOLE package.

I want the whole package, too.

There is so much that I have to be thankful for...and I truly am. I've been wonderfully blessed to be in the situation that I am. Yes, I've gone through my own hardships and continue to work my way from the bottom up...but there's something missing. Not that I'm saying that I NEED someone to complete me...it would just be nice.

Ya'll have heard me say (over and over again...) that I thought the Music Maestro was the one for me. I still do in some ways, but I can't allow myself to brood over him (as much as I already have...). Aside from the obvious romantic relationship that I had with him, the one thing that I truly miss...is his companionship.

I miss talking and hanging out. I miss watching tv with him and I miss sitting next to him on the couch with the dog at our feet. I miss setting the table as he prepared dinner and I miss watching him drink from his wine glass as he cooked away. I miss taking walks with him to Starbucks or just even to take the dog out. I miss riding in his car...and even though I wasn't a fan, I even miss listening to Howard Stern. I miss the times when he'd put on regular music and he's try to groove with the beat...keyword is try- lol. I miss everything about him...

It sounds pathetic, I know...but I miss the friendship the most. I'm going through withdrawals because I have so much damn time on my hands....which is why I did the unthinkable...

I started browsing online again- LOL. Egads. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but honestly, I'm not ready for it. I am craving the attention that he used to give me, but woe to the dude that comes after him! Poor guy won't have a chance. Without intentionally doing so, I KNOW that I'm looking for the Music Maestro again. And at this point, no one can compare. This SO sucks.

So through this entire rant and rave, I still find myself bummed. I forgot how hard breakups can be. Just like in Gilmore Girls, I am good...I'm thankful for all that I have...but what's wrong with wanting the whole package? Nothing, right? People tell me it'll happen when it happens...in due time...just be patient...blah blah blah.

I know...it's just not easy is all I'm saying.

I Get It...

I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The movie with the same name is coming out next week, just in time for Valentine's Day. I've been telling people that is how I'm going to spend that overly commercialized holiday- watching this movie in the theaters solo.

It was a random and impulsive buy at Target. I was roaming the dvd aisles like I always do and I saw the book. I didn't even bother to check the price, but I did check to make sure none of the pages were bent or folded...my usual once over for any books that I purchase.

Later on that night as I settled into bed, I realized that it wasn't based on the movie script, but rather, it was more like a self-help book. I read all the forewords and right away, I knew that it'd be a quick read. The authors are actual writers/editors/consultants for Sex in the City...AND here's a quick random fact for ya'll...they are the ones who coined the phrase, "He's just not that into you." Now we know where it came from...

Right away, the vibe of the book caters to single women who are treading water (and perhaps even drowning) in the deep and open waters of dating. I shit you not, but I can very much relate to A LOT of the things I read about...and I thought that was pretty darn scary (and sad).

First of all, it's a huge comfort to know that I'm not the only one who chooses losers for boyfriends. Okay, maybe that's a tad bit harsh...forgive me...I'm still in "angry and pissed off mode" over the Music Maestro. NOT that I'm making an excuse for his behavior, but I don't necessarily think he is or ever will be a "loser." He's a really great guy...talented, smart, funny...hurt, lost, confused...but not a loser...

However, what I read on p.125 made me want to circle, underline, and highlight the following,

"You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn't lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there's no mystery, and tell you up front that he's not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. YOU ARE NOT EASILY FORGETTABLE."

I honest to goodness believed that the Music Maestro was THE guy. Seriously. On the surface, it was a relationship in its early stages. We only went out for 7 months. BUT, considering what we both went through previously, the timing and the things that transpired, seemed so right. But after zooming through this book, I realized that yes, he WAS into me...but now and currently, he is NOT...no longer.

The book made me laugh out loud...there were moments where I had to repeat lines out loud so I can hear it for myself...and yes, the truth hurt...like hell.

A lot of it seems so simple...yet, when we are overcome by emotion and when you are ME, the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, it is difficult to see things for what they really are. And yes, even though your family and friends see it and point out the obvious, I'm one of those who have to come to the conclusions herself...even if it DOES take a tad longer than people expect. Either I'm stubborn or just slow....perhaps both...crap.

At the end of each chapter, there's a section entitled, "Things You Should've Learned In This Chapter." I just wanted to list some that resonated...and really, I think I found them more validating and encouraging, if anything. So here goes.

Things I Should've Learned...

*If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

*Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down that phone.

*If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.

*Better than nothing is NOT good enough for you!

*Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend.

*Breakup sex still means you're broken up.

*Cut him off. Let him miss you.

*He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

*Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

*There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

*You ARE good enough to be asked out.

It's been a month since I last saw him...and there's not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me...or if he misses me at all. Apparently, I am wasting my time. I am having a hard time letting go...but you'd be relieved to know that I'm moving on, however slow as it may be. Unfortunately, I know this whole break-up has affected my work. My piles of papers are stacked so high, it's ridiculous! I'm so thankful for Ethan's Mommy 'cuz she is the first one I see at school...she's the one who sees my red, puffy eyes..and she has a knack for knowing when to ask how things are, when NOT to ask, when to listen, and what to say. So thanks Lily...you're my true bud!

I've taken down most of his pictures, but I'm conflicted on whether or not I should delete them from my facebook/myspace/blog...I can't do it just yet. Even though we are no longer together, it hasn't changed the way I feel about him. What's makes it all so hard isn't just the fact that he decided to call it quits, but it's the fact that I've got to start all over...AGAIN. It's emotionally draining...and by golly, it hurts like a mf. I don't know if my heart can handle any more heartache!

But I should stop with my pity party, as one of my good friends pointed out. I should re-read all of those lessons I should've learned. The optimistic side of me continues to hope that the Music Maestro WILL find me when he's ready...but for now, I get it. I've heard it loud and clear.

Kuya Sam

I thought about you today, knowing that your birthday is tomorrow. You would've been 39 years old. It hurts to think that the last time I saw you, you were already gone from us. How I wished that I was able to say goodbye to you! I distinctly remember getting the phone call...I was devastated. You were, after all, the kuya that always had my back. You always had time for me along with a big hug and mischievous smile. You seemed to always know when something wasn't quite right with me and you'd cheer me up with one of your stories that would usually leave me with the same comment out of my mouth, "Oh no, you didn't!"

I don't recall the flight down to Southern California. All I know is that I dreaded seeing you. I wasn't quite ready to see you for the last time. I came with Caramello and as we walked up that long aisle to where you lay, my body trembled. The tears filled my eyes and I had trouble breathing. I've never had a close friend of mine die before. When I finally saw you, I was jolted by how you were dressed...you were in a sports jersey! That took me by surprise and I had to laugh...which everyone pretty much did...but after that, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You looked so peaceful. I wonder if you heard my thoughts that day...I shared many things with you that day, as if we were having our usual conversations...I shared because I missed you and I wanted you to know what was going on with me. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been standing with you, talking with you, crying...because Caramello had to pull me away. I didn't want to go just yet because I wanted more time.

Your memorial service was SO you...full of laughter and good memories. Of course tears were shed, but mostly, it was because someone shared a story that had us rolling in the aisles! One by one, people went up and spoke about you. Your family loved the story about how Likha peoples nicknamed you "Tiny Bubbles!" I didn't go up, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend you were to me...and how I would always consider you my big brother.

So I was thinking about you...and wishing I could tell you what's been up with me lately. I would've loved to share about the Music Maestro...and boy, you would've thought he was cute! lol! I probably would've had to endure all of your joking comments, "Well honey, get out of the way so I can get a piece of that!" Or, when I would've told you that we were taking a "break" because he needed time...or that he just cut me off completely because things were becoming too much for him...I could honestly hear you tell me, "Gurrrlllll....it's time to move on!" "He ain't worth your time, honey...." "Oh NO, he didn't!" Yet, all kidding aside, you probably would've took me aside and let me cry on your shoulder, too...

It's been two years since your passing and I still miss you terribly. You were too young to be taken. But when I think about you, it's always with love, laughter, and believe it or not, it's with a Janet Jackson song in the background! You're definitely not forgotten...miss and love you lots...

The Sun Shines Again...

I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.

I got his voicemail.

In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...

At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!

I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.

Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.