No More Words, Except These...

I am so completely exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. So much was said last night on your part and yet, when I had something to say, my words went unheard. As soon as I saw this, I decided that I had no energy left within me to make you hear me. I have been doing that for way too long.

I have always tried to make you hear me. You were one of those people who had to hear something repeatedly until you got the message. When what you heard finally registered, it was like hearing it for the first time...when in reality, it's as if I muttered the words thousands of times. I've oftentimes felt like a broken record, the needle skipping and returning to the same spot each time. I was tired of repeating everything from the beginning to the end; the very act sucked me dry.

I seriously thought that perhaps your memory was truly fading, but then you'd surprise me with random and trivial information from weeks and months ago. You wouldn't remember to lock the front door and yet, you would recall a particular comment about something of no particular importance. Your memory drove me nuts, but I tried to be patient with it.

When we began having serious arguments, we would argue about the same old shit. You had this obsession with my past and tried to analyze things that have been long gone from my own memory. You asked me to justify what I did over 10 years ago and when I couldn't, you'd tell me that I should've known better. Well excuse me, O Righteous one, I actually tried to live my life and made mistakes along the way. Isn't that what people normally do? Oh wait, I forget, you lived in a bubble. My bad.

At first, I really thought that our arguments were normal. Getting to know a new significant other, it's all part of it. Finding out their past, that's normal, too...but what's NOT normal is getting obsessed with it when it had absolutely nothing to do with you! Your insecurities were laid out on the table....and I knew from what you've told me about your past, that you didn't want to get hurt again. Your ex-wife cheated on you and you have a hard time trusting people. I get that. More than you know. But know that I never gave you a reason NOT to trust me...in fact, I've ALWAYS been upfront with you about everything. And you know that's the truth.

But you kept pushing it...you had it in your head that I would leave you for someone better. You began comparing yourself to my ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband and you had it in your mind that you would never live up to them. But see here...I never asked you to be like them!

You never gave me enough credit for loving you and you proved to be selfish in more ways than one. Yes, you were the nice guy....but your insecurity, your neediness, your constant need to be validated was too much. If I didn't start the conversation, you'd automatically think something was wrong...nevermind the fact that I had a long day at work. If I didn't hug you, you automatically thought that I've fallen out of love with you or that there was someone else. If I didn't greet you at the door, you would think something was up. All of the things that I was experiencing with you made me feel like I was back in high school! It was all trivial shit! You tell me that you've never had those high school experiences before and that you don't know how to act...yes, our experiences are way different, but the idea that a 30+ year old man didn't know certain things was beyond my comprehension...but again, I was patient.

One of the reasons why I was drawn to you was because we shared something in common. Our marriages did not work. I felt like we were a comfort to each other. It's always good to have someone understand you without needing to explain detail for detail about something. When I was going through my own divorce, the people whom I wanted to turn to the most turned out to be the wrong people. Here they were in happy marriages giving me advice about divorce! No, I couldn't believe that they knew how I felt- how could they? But as I was going through my darkest times pre- and post-divorce, I learned an important lesson....and I wanted to share that with you.

I wanted to let you know that the pain subsides....I wanted to let you know that you CAN live and breathe again....and I wanted to let you know that time really does heal all hurts. But divorce is tricky. I liken it to a scab. First you get cut and you bleed. It's painful and it hurts. Sometimes you feel that the cut is so deep that you'll never recover from it. But it starts to clot and becomes a scab. Some people like me like to pick off my scabs. And you and I know what happens when you do it- it bleeds again. But after a while, you begin to lose interest in the scab and it eventually falls off naturally. Sometimes the cut might've been so deep that it leaves a scar. You can touch the scar...but it won't bleed anymore. It may get achy at times, but it really is just a reminder of how you got hurt, but got better afterwards. Divorce is like that. It's done. It's past. But it'll always be part of your life. It may hurt from time to time as you reminisce how you got cut in the first place, but it will never hurt as bad as it initially did.

As more time passes, the hurt begins to fade...but just like a scab, you have to forget about it and let it heal.

But there's another lesson that I have learned....and it's that you really can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. During my divorce, I didn't want the help. I needed to be on my own. I needed to boycott family functions and just be myself. I wasn't ready to hear advice and I was in no position to start rebuilding my life again. I had too much anger, hurt, and bitterness. But it finally came to the point where it took too much effort to be angry...and when I came to that realization, I knew it was at that moment that I was ready to be helped and comforted.

You? You're not ready. You THINK you're ready. You WANT to be ready, but you're in freakin' denial. And because of this, our relationship suffered. Because you couldn't really deal and face what hurt you in the first place, you carried it into our relationship and made ME deal with it. Sounds unfair, doesn't it?

I wanted to be there for you...I wanted to help you...I wanted to comfort you...and I wanted to be THAT woman that made you realize that it's okay to love again. I wanted to be the one to prove to you that not all women are the same....that I wouldn't hurt you the way your ex hurt you....and that I could make you happy in the ways that she couldn't. But you never gave me enough credit for loving you. Your clear distrust became a burden and it weighed heavily on my shoulders. I didn't want to walk on eggshells for you because I believed that you needed to hear the truth, but perhaps, tough love was too harsh and the wrong way to go.

Choosing to live with you may have been a big mistake, but it was the biggest form of commitment that I could show you. I felt that you needed something "big" from me and this was it. I thought it would be enough to ease your mind, but it turned out that it wasn't. The week we moved in was crazy busy, but we decided to celebrate my birthday anyways....but as I would find out later, you felt uneasy from the very beginning. Here I thought that things were going great...only to find out that they weren't. I can't even remember how many times it felt like we broke up and got back together again. There were so many fights...BIG ones. So big that I felt that our neighbors must've hated me for making such loud disruptions at God-awful hours of the night. Here I thought that moving in with you would make you feel better about our relationship....here I thought that you would feel less insecure....here I thought that we could move forward in our relationship...but I was wrong. Moving into the 2-bedroom caused even more arguments....how could it get worse?

So here we are....three months into our year-lease. We lived together for a total of 8 months and what did we learn? We CANNOT do it!

I started this blog post with something in mind to say, but it's been lost amid all of the rest of the bullshit that I am now remembering. You asked me this morning if I hated you...and I asked you if you wanted me to. You said yes. If that will help you to move on and forward with your life, then okay. You seem to think that I mean the opposite of what I say, but don't get it twisted. You do that with what I say and take things out of context....you misinterpret and you misunderstand, but that's only because you don't give me time to explain...and even when I DO explain, you want it told to you few hundred consecutive times.

So when I have nothing to say, it's only because it's already been said. You want to make things worse? Go right ahead. You want to make things awkward? You already have. You want to put the blame on ME for all the shit that's gone down? Be my guest. I have lost ALL of my patience for this relationship and I have NO energy left. You say that perhaps it's not the guys that I"ve gone out with, but maybe it's ME that has the problem. Maybe something is wrong with ME. Maybe the reason why relationships didn't work out was because of ME. You know what? Maybe it is! But at least I am putting myself out there and TRYING to live life. At least I can make a fucking decision and DO something about it. Your mistake? Your mistake was never really understanding what I went through. That's where you failed. Epicly.

Congratulations for breaking my heart....again. Don't worry about me, though, because it's happened to me before....and just like the excuse you love to use, "I'm used to it."Nevermind the fact that I have done nothing but really try and be your friend....it's just unfortunate that you couldn't handle it. YOU messed up...not me. You'll turn around and say that it will be "easy" for me to replace you. Really? Are you fucking serious? You think that after all of this crap that I've had to go through that I really want to subject myself to this AGAIN? But wait...eventually I will. Eventually, I will open up my heart to love again...and I will do so as if I've never been hurt so bad. 'Cuz I HAVE been hurt. BADLY. That is what I did with you.....unfortunately, it wasn't what you did with me.

Do what you gotta do....ease your troubled mind and keep telling yourself that it was my fault...repeat it over to yourself and tell yourself everyday...do it to help you move forward.

In the end, I'll always know the real truth.