Less Than Four...
Fast forward four months and the date is June 20th. By that time, the school year will have ended and hopefully, all of my lil' rugrats will have advanced to the next grade level. In four months, many of my kids will either be in summer school or on some long-awaited vacation.
Where will I be?
I've actually been thinking ahead to what summer holds for me. Many are envious of the long summer break that I have and while yes, it IS a perk, it's not all fun and games. Not many consider all of the prep work that goes into the next school year. There are lessons to revise, papers to gather and xerox, papers to file, research to do, a room to reorganize, and the list goes on. As a teacher, my work is never done! Even when I'm on vacation, I see something that can be used in the classroom. When I'm at the bookstore, I browse the children's section to see what would be great additions to my library. I go to the beach to relax and I see shells, sand dollars, and rocks that I just need to take a picture of to take back to my classroom. Anywhere I go, there will ALWAYS be an opportunity for something school-related that will make my mind work a million times a second to see how I could incorporate it into my class curriculum. It never stops.
BUT...when the last day of school is done and over with, I DO allow myself to just veg. Chill. Relax. Chillax, if you will.
I am looking forward to this summer for many reasons. One, I have been eager to get back into running. With my current commute into da city, I simply don't have the time to go out for a run. I've been slowing down, but I refuse to fall back into anything considered unhealthy. Second, I've got it in my mind that I'm going to teach myself the guitar. I've had a guitar for years and I know a few chords here and there. But, I'm serious about this and I'm determined. I would LOVE to bring my guitar to school, bust it out, and have a lil' sing-a-long with my class- how awesome would that be?! In fact, for my upcoming birthday, I'm going to splurge and buy myself a brand new acoustic. This time, I will do my research and find one that is just the right size. By the end of the summer, I'll be that strummin' fool! Third, I will be in my new apartment...one that I will be sharing with my Sweets. This has been a long time coming, although the journey thus far has been rocky. It seems like we haven't had a break in much, but if I look ahead four months, I can already see the beginning of something great...not only in our relationship, but just in life in general. Living with da family has been great- the only downfall is the distance. Hanging out with the kiddies is always a treat and having my daily night conversations with my sis is always what I need. It sure beats talking to her on the phone! I will definitely miss all of this when the time comes to move forward (and out!), but it's time to get my life started.
It's funny...getting my life started. I'm going to be 36 years old, for crying out loud! But life has been life...and dealing with what life has thrown me so far hasn't been easy. God and time has been the ultimate healer- I've said that once before- and it's true. All the experiences that I've encountered, good and bad, have continued to shape me into who I am today. And as we journey on the path that God presents to us, we are either ready to face it or not. When we're not ready, there are lessons to be learned that help us to be ready the next time around.
Our life is like a book- one story with many chapters. Sometimes, it feels like we are living one hell of a chapter, but then, it comes to an end. I wouldn't know what genre to categorize my book. Adventure? Fantasy? Horror? Tragedy? LOL...whatever it'd be, I smell a #1 bookseller that Oprah will love! I guess I would say that it's a combination of many things. I'd like to think that I could look back on my 36 years and say, "Wow...I've done a lot!"
I'm looking forward to having my SECOND life started...with my Sweets. Life after divorce seemed impossible for a long time. I honestly thought that I was living THE Ally McBeal life- one that would be lived all by my lonesome. I almost accepted that I would never find love again. But I was wrong...thank God! In essence, everything had to happen the way it did- getting married, moving to Minnesota, being/feeling alone, accepting Christ, finding strength to leave, moving back to California, getting married (again, but for real this time!), getting a divorce, dealing with divorce, being in debt, being jobless, finding a job, moving out, dating online, dating guys who've come and gone, being alone AGAIN.
And when life seemed like a repeat episode from Ally McBeal, I got a friend request on Facebook...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Disappointment
Life is full of them. It's something that we experience in order to learn; it's what makes us stronger in the end. One can't help but feel down and discouraged when faced with disappointment- it's all synonymous. I have to admit, when I am truly disappointed, instant tears well up in my eyes. It's not full out sobbing or anything close to that, but rather, it's like an instant physiological response of having your hopes dashed. Sounds much more dramatic than it really is. Other times, my inner sailor comes out and I curse up a storm. Doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better. Sorta.
I've definitely had my share of disappointment, but that alone doesn't make me stand out from everyone else. Who am I to say that my experiences have been the most disappointing? I don't care who you are, but no matter how bad you think your life is, there is ALWAYS someone who is going through something worse.
Take my marriage, for example. Things got bad and even though I tried my best to save it, it ended in divorce. Besides acquiring a shitload of debt, coming back to CA penniless, and losing all of my possessions, it could've been worse. Some said that it was a good thing that I never had a child with him. Yes, I could see how that would've made it worse. In fact, I've told many people that had I been a mom, I would've seriously reconsidered ever leaving him in the first place.
But through all of that, I'm so very thankful. Thankful that it wasn't as bad as I thought. You always hear stories of women who are abused and don't leave their marriage out of fear. THANK GOD that was not me! The ex-hubby is many things, but he was NEVER physically abusive. Later on, I would learn that when I first moved to Minnesota, my parents feared for my safety. In 2003, the Laci Peterson case was the big news and in many ways, they thought I would fall into the same situation. In all honesty, I never feared the ex like that. I somehow knew that he would rather do something to himself before me, but again, I'm grateful that I didn't need to worry about either.
Things were bad...but it's not as worse as it seems.
When disappointment comes our way, it sucks. We need to take it like a grain of salt and just move on. We shouldn't allow it to get us so down that hope seems impossible. Sure, give it time to sink in...cry, wallow, sulk, do whatever it is that you feel, but certainly after all of that is over, move forward. It's the only thing we CAN do. Life is full of disappointments. We will be knocked down over and over again, but we need to get back up on our feet and try again. I hear Aaliyah's song in my mind, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try it again."
It's sound advice. It's easier said than done. But ultimately, I like to look at it from another perspective.
God allows things to happen all the time, everytime. He has already mapped out our life from the smallest details to the biggest. God knows all of our disappointments because He allowed them to occur. He knew that He had to make big things in our life go down in order for us to learn a lesson. With those lessons, we are able to move forward in the way that He wants. It's all part of His bigger plan for us. When we are wanting something so bad and we don't get it, it's because God didn't think it was best at the time. So whatever our disappointments we've had, you can either say that it was absence of luck...or that God was just watching out.
**Sam, it's been three years...I still miss you. Hope you're enjoying Heaven and that you're continuing to watch over us. RIP.
Life is full of them. It's something that we experience in order to learn; it's what makes us stronger in the end. One can't help but feel down and discouraged when faced with disappointment- it's all synonymous. I have to admit, when I am truly disappointed, instant tears well up in my eyes. It's not full out sobbing or anything close to that, but rather, it's like an instant physiological response of having your hopes dashed. Sounds much more dramatic than it really is. Other times, my inner sailor comes out and I curse up a storm. Doesn't solve anything, but it sure does make me feel better. Sorta.
I've definitely had my share of disappointment, but that alone doesn't make me stand out from everyone else. Who am I to say that my experiences have been the most disappointing? I don't care who you are, but no matter how bad you think your life is, there is ALWAYS someone who is going through something worse.
Take my marriage, for example. Things got bad and even though I tried my best to save it, it ended in divorce. Besides acquiring a shitload of debt, coming back to CA penniless, and losing all of my possessions, it could've been worse. Some said that it was a good thing that I never had a child with him. Yes, I could see how that would've made it worse. In fact, I've told many people that had I been a mom, I would've seriously reconsidered ever leaving him in the first place.
But through all of that, I'm so very thankful. Thankful that it wasn't as bad as I thought. You always hear stories of women who are abused and don't leave their marriage out of fear. THANK GOD that was not me! The ex-hubby is many things, but he was NEVER physically abusive. Later on, I would learn that when I first moved to Minnesota, my parents feared for my safety. In 2003, the Laci Peterson case was the big news and in many ways, they thought I would fall into the same situation. In all honesty, I never feared the ex like that. I somehow knew that he would rather do something to himself before me, but again, I'm grateful that I didn't need to worry about either.
Things were bad...but it's not as worse as it seems.
When disappointment comes our way, it sucks. We need to take it like a grain of salt and just move on. We shouldn't allow it to get us so down that hope seems impossible. Sure, give it time to sink in...cry, wallow, sulk, do whatever it is that you feel, but certainly after all of that is over, move forward. It's the only thing we CAN do. Life is full of disappointments. We will be knocked down over and over again, but we need to get back up on our feet and try again. I hear Aaliyah's song in my mind, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try it again."
It's sound advice. It's easier said than done. But ultimately, I like to look at it from another perspective.
God allows things to happen all the time, everytime. He has already mapped out our life from the smallest details to the biggest. God knows all of our disappointments because He allowed them to occur. He knew that He had to make big things in our life go down in order for us to learn a lesson. With those lessons, we are able to move forward in the way that He wants. It's all part of His bigger plan for us. When we are wanting something so bad and we don't get it, it's because God didn't think it was best at the time. So whatever our disappointments we've had, you can either say that it was absence of luck...or that God was just watching out.
**Sam, it's been three years...I still miss you. Hope you're enjoying Heaven and that you're continuing to watch over us. RIP.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
CrazyLove
I've been trying to read this book by Francis Chen for some time now. I actually can't believe that it's taking me so long to finish it considering that it's only ten chapters long. It's not one of those "read-in-one-sitting" kind of books nor is it something I need to rush through. This book requires a lot of reflection and self-evaluation and I want to make sure that I allot the due time needed for it to do its work in me.
It's been a tough read. It's not the choice of vocabulary that goes over my head that makes it tough; it's more the content that challenges my thinking and forces me to face up to the truth of my convictions...or lack thereof.
This book points out that many Christians become too comfortable in their spiritual journey. While everyone's walk with God will be unique to each individual, do we settle into "saying," rather than "doing?" Many will choose that they are, indeed, a doer...but then the question becomes "How are you in the doing?" Do we follow Christ's footsteps wholeheartedly with passion and conviction? Or do we grudgingly follow half-heartedly? Are we focused on Him or do we get distracted along the way? Do we "do" simply because it's expected of us as Christians or do we "do" because we choose to and desire to?
There are countless passages in the Bible that tell us of God's love. In fact, the word "love" is mentioned 697 times in the Bible. That's a lotta love! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." Whenever I read or hear that verse, it all just blows me away. We are not meant to truly comprehend the almighty power of God, but to know that He loved US so much that He sent his own son to die for OUR sins? That Jesus died for ME? ME?! I mean, who am I?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
We are taught to substitute each "love" with the word, "Jesus." Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind...Jesus never fails.
THAT blows me away 100x over.
Here is this God,our God, who does SO MUCH for us, for me. He gave us his ONLY son so that he could die a gruesome death to pay for my sins.
What do I give him...or rather, what SHOULD I be giving?
The answer: OUR BEST.
But in actuality, we don't. We get distracted by everyday life and what we end up giving is anything but mediocre. God deserves so much more than that, but we all easily forget. Time and time again, we WILL forget. But there's hope...c'mon ya'll, there's ALWAYS hope!
In order for us to give our very best, we must make changes to our current life. Seven years ago, I made a HUGE change in my life by accepting Christ to be my Lord and Savior. My life was in the shithole and I knew deep in my gut that I couldn't survive it on my own. I had reached rock-bottom and I was stuck. The good news was that when you're as down as you can ever get, the only way you can go is UP! But you have to make that decision to do so AND you have to ask for help to get outta there.
But it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. After you make that decision to make your life better, it's a work-in-progress FOREVER! It's one of those things that you have to constantly work at and continually seek guidance for.
Again, how easily we forget...how easily I forget.
My life HAS been different, but I still stumble and fall. While I do seek Him, I tend to rely on my own ways more. While I do trust Him, I can't seem to see the bigger picture until it's too late. While I have given my life to Him, I know that something pulls me back from surrendering to him completely.
This comedian once said, "It's way too hard to follow Jesus, I think I'll just go to hell."
Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy. It IS hard...but not impossible. Francis Chen gives this great illustration of living a Christian life: Imagine a never-ending escalator. Everyone takes a spot on the escalator and enjoys the ride down. But following Jesus is going UP while everyone is going down. You may piss some people off as you're going the opposite direction on the escalator because you're bumping into them or disturbing their ride, but following Jesus requires work. Work to climb up those stairs, work to be like him. Many of us do this, but there's a time when we get tired of climbing and of getting the nasty stares from other people...so we stop, turn around, and ride like everyone else. It's a choice...ride down or climb up.
I know that I haven't been giving God my ultimate best and I want to change that. There are so many things on my mind and an endless to-do list to complete, but these are poor excuses. I need to take a step from my supposedly busy life and acknowledge Him and what's He's done. God's love for us is mad crazy- indescribable, imcomprehensible, so over our heads- but He deserves nothing but our very best. I just hope that my love for Him can be as crazy as His love for me is.
I've been trying to read this book by Francis Chen for some time now. I actually can't believe that it's taking me so long to finish it considering that it's only ten chapters long. It's not one of those "read-in-one-sitting" kind of books nor is it something I need to rush through. This book requires a lot of reflection and self-evaluation and I want to make sure that I allot the due time needed for it to do its work in me.
It's been a tough read. It's not the choice of vocabulary that goes over my head that makes it tough; it's more the content that challenges my thinking and forces me to face up to the truth of my convictions...or lack thereof.
This book points out that many Christians become too comfortable in their spiritual journey. While everyone's walk with God will be unique to each individual, do we settle into "saying," rather than "doing?" Many will choose that they are, indeed, a doer...but then the question becomes "How are you in the doing?" Do we follow Christ's footsteps wholeheartedly with passion and conviction? Or do we grudgingly follow half-heartedly? Are we focused on Him or do we get distracted along the way? Do we "do" simply because it's expected of us as Christians or do we "do" because we choose to and desire to?
There are countless passages in the Bible that tell us of God's love. In fact, the word "love" is mentioned 697 times in the Bible. That's a lotta love! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." Whenever I read or hear that verse, it all just blows me away. We are not meant to truly comprehend the almighty power of God, but to know that He loved US so much that He sent his own son to die for OUR sins? That Jesus died for ME? ME?! I mean, who am I?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
We are taught to substitute each "love" with the word, "Jesus." Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind...Jesus never fails.
THAT blows me away 100x over.
Here is this God,our God, who does SO MUCH for us, for me. He gave us his ONLY son so that he could die a gruesome death to pay for my sins.
What do I give him...or rather, what SHOULD I be giving?
The answer: OUR BEST.
But in actuality, we don't. We get distracted by everyday life and what we end up giving is anything but mediocre. God deserves so much more than that, but we all easily forget. Time and time again, we WILL forget. But there's hope...c'mon ya'll, there's ALWAYS hope!
In order for us to give our very best, we must make changes to our current life. Seven years ago, I made a HUGE change in my life by accepting Christ to be my Lord and Savior. My life was in the shithole and I knew deep in my gut that I couldn't survive it on my own. I had reached rock-bottom and I was stuck. The good news was that when you're as down as you can ever get, the only way you can go is UP! But you have to make that decision to do so AND you have to ask for help to get outta there.
But it doesn't and shouldn't stop there. After you make that decision to make your life better, it's a work-in-progress FOREVER! It's one of those things that you have to constantly work at and continually seek guidance for.
Again, how easily we forget...how easily I forget.
My life HAS been different, but I still stumble and fall. While I do seek Him, I tend to rely on my own ways more. While I do trust Him, I can't seem to see the bigger picture until it's too late. While I have given my life to Him, I know that something pulls me back from surrendering to him completely.
This comedian once said, "It's way too hard to follow Jesus, I think I'll just go to hell."
Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy. It IS hard...but not impossible. Francis Chen gives this great illustration of living a Christian life: Imagine a never-ending escalator. Everyone takes a spot on the escalator and enjoys the ride down. But following Jesus is going UP while everyone is going down. You may piss some people off as you're going the opposite direction on the escalator because you're bumping into them or disturbing their ride, but following Jesus requires work. Work to climb up those stairs, work to be like him. Many of us do this, but there's a time when we get tired of climbing and of getting the nasty stares from other people...so we stop, turn around, and ride like everyone else. It's a choice...ride down or climb up.
I know that I haven't been giving God my ultimate best and I want to change that. There are so many things on my mind and an endless to-do list to complete, but these are poor excuses. I need to take a step from my supposedly busy life and acknowledge Him and what's He's done. God's love for us is mad crazy- indescribable, imcomprehensible, so over our heads- but He deserves nothing but our very best. I just hope that my love for Him can be as crazy as His love for me is.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Days Off Rock
I LOVE days off of work...who doesn't? Today is President's Day. It's already 1pm and I haven't really done much. So far, I had a late breakfast with da fam after sleeping in. That's about it.
At this point in the year, it's safe to assume that for most teachers, we live for these lil' holidays. Us teachers enjoy the lil' perks, you know. My school had last Friday off for Chinese New Year! Sweet, yah? It's been a productive past few days. We got to hang out with Sweet's family, got to watch "Valentine's Day" in the theaters on opening day, and even spent an evening watching "500 Days of Summer" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" on dvd. I love those kind of days! Just hanging out with family and my sweets is all I really need.
I SHOULD be correcting papers. I've had FOUR days to organize my unending piles. It's embarrassing, really, to see how far behind I've gotten in my corrections. But in my defense, I've been really TIRED! I'll get to it today...eventually. Really. I will.
What AM I doing instead? Well, besides trying to get myself back into writing mode, my mind is completely distracted with other things...mainly, moving out!
Moving, in and of itself, is just a sucky process. BUT...if it means that my commute will be shorter, that I'll have more time to get back into running (just in time for the upcoming Bay to Breakers in May!), that I'll have more time to sleep at normal hours, and that I'll be with my sweets? Well shoot, it's all worth it! I'm excited and nervous at the same time...it's only a matter of a couple of days when I know for certain that things will be moving forward...sayin' my prayers...
As is my routine for Sunday evenings, I'll wait until the last minute to get started on my papers...work until the wee hours of the morning...lay my head down for what I believe will be 5 minutes...wake up to find that I've been out for TWO extra hours...head into murderous traffic that will make my commute way longer than it should...and be late for work. Ugh. Sounds awful!
Okay, okay...maybe I should start on my work now. Wish me luck.
I LOVE days off of work...who doesn't? Today is President's Day. It's already 1pm and I haven't really done much. So far, I had a late breakfast with da fam after sleeping in. That's about it.
At this point in the year, it's safe to assume that for most teachers, we live for these lil' holidays. Us teachers enjoy the lil' perks, you know. My school had last Friday off for Chinese New Year! Sweet, yah? It's been a productive past few days. We got to hang out with Sweet's family, got to watch "Valentine's Day" in the theaters on opening day, and even spent an evening watching "500 Days of Summer" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" on dvd. I love those kind of days! Just hanging out with family and my sweets is all I really need.
I SHOULD be correcting papers. I've had FOUR days to organize my unending piles. It's embarrassing, really, to see how far behind I've gotten in my corrections. But in my defense, I've been really TIRED! I'll get to it today...eventually. Really. I will.
What AM I doing instead? Well, besides trying to get myself back into writing mode, my mind is completely distracted with other things...mainly, moving out!
Moving, in and of itself, is just a sucky process. BUT...if it means that my commute will be shorter, that I'll have more time to get back into running (just in time for the upcoming Bay to Breakers in May!), that I'll have more time to sleep at normal hours, and that I'll be with my sweets? Well shoot, it's all worth it! I'm excited and nervous at the same time...it's only a matter of a couple of days when I know for certain that things will be moving forward...sayin' my prayers...
As is my routine for Sunday evenings, I'll wait until the last minute to get started on my papers...work until the wee hours of the morning...lay my head down for what I believe will be 5 minutes...wake up to find that I've been out for TWO extra hours...head into murderous traffic that will make my commute way longer than it should...and be late for work. Ugh. Sounds awful!
Okay, okay...maybe I should start on my work now. Wish me luck.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
LUCKY 7
It's about time. It's been a long time coming. I've dreamed about this and yearned for it for years, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken each time. It's stupid, really, for me to want to celebrate Valentine's Day...something so overly commercialized where people are sucked in to believe that this is the day to tell the people we love how we feel. Shouldn't that be everyday? Of course! But sad to say, I'm still a sucker. A corny, hopeless romantic.
I actually don't recall the last real Valentine's Day that I celebrated. For sure, none while I was married stick out in my mind. Since 2003, this holiday got lost in the cracks and just became a regular, ordinary day. Then, there was that first Valentine's that I had after coming back from Minnesota...I ended up watching "Music and Lyrics" at the theaters all my lonesome. How pathetic was I?!
In 2009, I began the year with such high hopes. I thought, this MAY be the year that my "dry spell" of having a "black day" on Love Day would be over. I thought wrong. BUT...there was a lil' piece of sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds. I "met" this guy online... LOL! Not those stories again! On the real, he was this college professor from Texas. Nice guy, easy to talk to, and sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in time for Valentine's Day...and we've never even met! We talked for a few weeks, but with the time difference and our busy schedules, the interest dwindled. It was mutual. No hard feelings. Still, it was nice to know that someone thought about me that day.
2009 continued on. For a while, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was left with no other option but to start online dating again. I tried, but it got tired very quickly. Coffee dates came and went. I even saw this guy for a couple of months, although I wouldn't have labeled him as my boyfriend. Prior to him, I did have a steady relationship for about six months with a guy whom I though had lots of potential, but unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and it was time to move on.
All of these dates, all of the supposedly potential guys...all of them helped me to further get on with my life. Each and every time I put myself out there, I was becoming a more confident woman. I knew that I wouldn't be happy with just anyone and I respected myself enough now to find a guy who respected me in return as well.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2010. I spent a quiet evening with my guy. I've been with my sweets since July and it's been quite a ride thus far. No relationship is perfect and we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. But through breakups and makeups, we're still together. We continue to grow and learn about each other...and as it is leading, to a deeper level of commitment that we both have been searching for.
It took seven years- SEVEN YEARS- to finally enjoy and spend a Valentine's holiday with someone. I was beginning to think that love wasn't in my cards, but thankfully, I was proven wrong.
*Happy 1st Valentine's Day, Sweets...I love you.
It's about time. It's been a long time coming. I've dreamed about this and yearned for it for years, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken each time. It's stupid, really, for me to want to celebrate Valentine's Day...something so overly commercialized where people are sucked in to believe that this is the day to tell the people we love how we feel. Shouldn't that be everyday? Of course! But sad to say, I'm still a sucker. A corny, hopeless romantic.
I actually don't recall the last real Valentine's Day that I celebrated. For sure, none while I was married stick out in my mind. Since 2003, this holiday got lost in the cracks and just became a regular, ordinary day. Then, there was that first Valentine's that I had after coming back from Minnesota...I ended up watching "Music and Lyrics" at the theaters all my lonesome. How pathetic was I?!
In 2009, I began the year with such high hopes. I thought, this MAY be the year that my "dry spell" of having a "black day" on Love Day would be over. I thought wrong. BUT...there was a lil' piece of sunshine that peaked from behind the clouds. I "met" this guy online... LOL! Not those stories again! On the real, he was this college professor from Texas. Nice guy, easy to talk to, and sweet enough to send me a beautiful bouquet of flowers in time for Valentine's Day...and we've never even met! We talked for a few weeks, but with the time difference and our busy schedules, the interest dwindled. It was mutual. No hard feelings. Still, it was nice to know that someone thought about me that day.
2009 continued on. For a while, I surrendered myself to the fact that I was left with no other option but to start online dating again. I tried, but it got tired very quickly. Coffee dates came and went. I even saw this guy for a couple of months, although I wouldn't have labeled him as my boyfriend. Prior to him, I did have a steady relationship for about six months with a guy whom I though had lots of potential, but unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way and it was time to move on.
All of these dates, all of the supposedly potential guys...all of them helped me to further get on with my life. Each and every time I put myself out there, I was becoming a more confident woman. I knew that I wouldn't be happy with just anyone and I respected myself enough now to find a guy who respected me in return as well.
Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2010. I spent a quiet evening with my guy. I've been with my sweets since July and it's been quite a ride thus far. No relationship is perfect and we've definitely had our share of ups and downs. But through breakups and makeups, we're still together. We continue to grow and learn about each other...and as it is leading, to a deeper level of commitment that we both have been searching for.
It took seven years- SEVEN YEARS- to finally enjoy and spend a Valentine's holiday with someone. I was beginning to think that love wasn't in my cards, but thankfully, I was proven wrong.
*Happy 1st Valentine's Day, Sweets...I love you.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
It's February...2010
I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.
A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.
As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.
Simply...it's February.
Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.
It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.
Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.
What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.
Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..
It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.
I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.
You know what???
I AM TIRED.
Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???
When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.
He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.
Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.
The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.
He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.
I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.
I blame him for all of these things and much more.
Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.
So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.
Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...
I'm not quite sure why I felt compelled to write tonight. A part of me was simply curious as to whether I even remembered my sign-in and my password! Whaddaya know...I did! The other part of me has been itching to write. Anything. It's been so long since I last blogged, but no matter. All I've been feeling lately is exhaustion. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Because of my current living situation, I spend so much time comuuting. By the end of the day, I just want to relax, unwind, eat, and sleep. Doesn't seem that there are enough hours in the day for me to get anything done.
A whole gamut of emotions ran through me today...talk about roller coaster ride! There were moments when I was feeling really good about the day- the rugrats were behaving and class was running smoothly; despite the freeze and rainy weather, the sun actually made an appearance; and there were no issues with traffic that I had to deal with whatsoever. But my luck ran out at about noon. It was just one thing after another that contributed to the downfall of my day.
As I was replaying the day over in my head, I realized WHY it was so crappy and the reason was fully justified in my mind.
Simply...it's February.
Let me be the first to admit that this is my cop-out explanation. If you scroll down two posts before this one, the last time I blogged was in Feb 2009. That's a long ass time! It starts off with how I detest the month so much. BUT...if you continue reading, I go on to state how each year has gotten better with the next. I recount that despite all of the sh*t that came with the failure of my marriage, God and time have been the ultimate healers.
It's psychological. Each February since 2003 has been terrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. I allowed all of the events of that particular day to be continually replayed in my mind. Every. Stinking. Detail. At first, I couldn't help it...I had to wallow. I had to be depressed and I had to cry. It was all part of the healing process.
Last year's post, I vowed to myself that 2009 would be THE LAST time I sulked about this crap. And to be quite honest, it wasn't as awful as I anticipated. That was good news! Good news that meant that I was truly okay and I became a testament to the fact that yes ya'll, there IS life after divorce.
What I did NOT share was that I actually heard from the ex-hubby after that post.
Quick sidenote here: I'm T-I-R-E-D of being the BIGGER person. When can I be the selfish one? When can I think of only myself? Yet, as I write this, I feel a twinge of guilt because I KNOW that it will NEVER be about me....it's all about GOD. I get selfish like that and I forget. *sorry God..
It turns out that after that Feb 2009 post, a reader/friend of mine (whom I still don't know who!), emailed him a link of my blog with the words, "You're an idiot." I thought that was hilarious! BUT, in his email, ex-hubby went on to say that it's been "hard" on him to "move on" when all of these "reminders of what he did" still linger...or some sh*t like that. He knows that he f*cked up and that he has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Getting the "You're an idiot" email was a haunting reminder of a past that he cannot escape. He then went on to say that it's my blog and he can't stop what I post, etc, but he DID ask that I don't put him on blast anymore. Lastly, he'd appreciate it if I didn't mention this on my blog.
I became the bigger person YET AGAIN.
You know what???
I AM TIRED.
Whenever HE had asked ME for something, I've been this idiot fool over here and complied. WHY???
When I asked him to be truthful about his life, was he? NO.
When I asked him if there were any other secrets that I should know about after some other stuff came out, was he honest? NO.
Has he ever paid me back for all of the money I let him borrow? NO.
Did he allow me access to my own freakin' house to retrieve all of my personal belongings? NO.
He tried contacting me a few months after that. He said he felt a need to do so to see if I was okay. After accepting divorce as part of my life, I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive him and I did. Wholeheartedly. I went so far as to pray for him EACH NIGHT that he would make changes to be a better person and a better father to his kids.
Suffice to say, he did make changes in his life. For one, he got re-married. I'll be the first to say that everyone deserves to be happy. People who have gone down the wrong path deserve a second chance.
The more I type this blog, the angrier I am becoming. I accepted this, divorce, and him. BUT...he continues to ask me for things that he does NOT deserve.
He's an idiot. Hands down. And I'm the bigger idiot for allowing him to put this anger back into my heart with an email and voicemail from him. He's so chicken shit that he blocks his number on my cell when he calls. Whether or not, my inital bad day was caused by ex-hubby or not, I WILL blame him.
I will blame him for making me cry for four straight years every day. I blame him for making me doubt myself. I blame him for my financial debt and for screwing up my credit. I blame him for making our marriage intolerable. I blame him for making me NOT finish up my Masters in Education and Teaching Credential. I blame him for losing our house. I blame him for the lost of ALL MY THINGS. I blame him for my unhappiness that followed our divorce.
I blame him for all of these things and much more.
Whether this post gets back to him or not, I really don't care anymore. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Ever.
So, ex-hubby, if you're even thinking of contacting me about this post, don't. Unless you've got a check with my name on it, don't bother. I've tried to befriend you and leave the past in the past, but you couldn't even try. You're an idiot.
Just for the record, the month hasn't been a complete loss...but then again, it's only the second week. I can only hope...
Friday, July 17, 2009
.JPG)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Then and Now
For those that know me, it's no secret that I am the keeper of all significant dates. I don't quite know what it is, but I lean towards the theory that I am masochistic and must enjoy the pain of reliving certain events that especially brought me heartache. Instead of moving forward like normal people, I relive those moments as if it were yesterday.
February 16, 2003.
It was an already crappy weekend. Hubby at the time just came back from San Diego and right off the bat, something was up. It being Valentine's Day weekend, I was disappointed that things weren't lovey dovey as I had hoped...plus, it would've been our first as a married couple. When things needed to be discussed, it was his usual tendancy to clam up. Me, on the other hand, liked to talk things out...not right away, but yes, after a significant time that we should. He told me that he had something to tell me...and by the look on his face, I knew that it wasn't good news.
I was patient at first. But then, I got frustrated by his silence. It was then that I became persistent...probably annoyingly so to the point where I was just plain angry.
I finally blurted out, "What is it? Do you have a kid or something?!"
Silence.
He didn't need to say anything because the look on his face said it all. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why I said it. But I remember feeling as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe because of the shock. And he just sat at the edge of the bed with his head down...ashamed. I don't know how much time had passed when I started screaming at him. I can't even recall the profanities that escaped my mouth, but I do remember throwing the remote control against the wall and slapping him hard. I wish I could've seen inside of his head...to feel what he was feeling as I was yelling at him. Because for me, I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Did he feel that? Could he feel that?
It took me a while to calm down. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't be in the same room as him. I remember feeling so nauseated.
But I had to know the truth...I had to know about the child in question. Perhaps ex-hubby was scared of my reaction...maybe he was scared I'd hit him again because he kept his distance...but what followed next was something I was totally unprepared for. I asked him who the kid was and he had to correct me saying that there were TWO kids, not one. And in fact, I already knew who these kids were...they were the "nieces" that he's always talked about and prided himself about how close he felt to them. I've seen pictures and videos of these "nieces" before, but to find out that they were, indeed, his daughters left me speechless. Why didn't he tell me?
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know how to handle it and my biggest mistake was not telling my family about it right away. How could I? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Embarrassed and ashamed because I SHOULD HAVE known something as important as my future husband having two grown daughters.
Ironically, we were already living in Foster City. I remember leaving the apartment and driving off. I didn't have a destination in mind, but I ended up at a random park in San Mateo. I sat at a bench for what seemed like hours and I remember watching all the people pass me by. I felt numb. I couldn't move. Even if I wanted to, I don't think my legs would've been able to support the weight of my own body. I DID make one call...and that was to my supervisor at work. As vaguely as I could, I told her that I was going through something very personal and that I wouldn't be able to make it in to work at all. It being President's Day weekend, I'd miss four days of school. I was so grateful to her because she didn't pry. Perhaps the request seemed so urgent and maybe the cracking of my voice gave it away, but she told me to take all the time that I needed. I never told anyone at work what happened...not right away anyways...but later on, I would hear the rumors going around about me that I never bothered to squash. The word was that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I heard it for myself and I let people believe it. No one asked questions and I preferred it that way.
Every year since then, February has been a trying month. The depression that plagued me for the next four years was no joke. It wasn't only psychological and emotional, the pain was also physical. Those four days that I didn't go to work was spent in bed. I was completely lethargic...I might as well died...because to me, at that moment, it was as if my world had stopped. You know how there are stages of grief and loss? Well, I skipped a lot of them and didn't handle my grief so well...and that is why I am screwed in the head. But when I had to return to work, I wore the smile that everyone expects of me and went about my day as normally as I could. No one would suspect anything was ever wrong and I intended to keep it that way.
Thank goodness that February is the shortest month! Since 2003, I dreaded February. I dreaded President's Weekend. I dreaded February 16th because my body would react automatically and plunge into this melancholic stupor that would last for days. Last year was different. I actually felt somewhat okay...and it was then that I realized that I was letting the pain, anger, and bitterness go. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. A movie, a song, a picture, or a letter could trigger my emotions so easily, but I knew that I had survived the worst. It DOES get better, by golly, but shit, did it have to take so freakin' long?
Little did I know back then that 2003 would only be the beginning of the end. I was hopeful that we could work it out, in fact, I wanted nothing more. I wanted to be that couple that withstood the drama and proved to everyone that yes, we would be okay. For a long time, I felt like a failure. I thought that if I forgave him just one more time...if I tried one more time. But lie after lie was killing me slowly and I became a whole different person that I no longer recognized. In the end, I HAD to leave. Leaving him and the effects thereafter has been, hands down, the toughest trial in my life.
February 16, 2009.
I woke up sad. Maybe it was habit. My body just knows. It was pouring rain out and I decided to go for a walk. I thought about him and everything that happened six years ago, but surprisingly so, there was no bitterness or anger. Again, maybe the sadness is out of habit. But then, I thought about the Music Maestro...yes, yes, I stated in my previous post that I would try harder to get over him, but that's when I started to feel down. I remember thinking to myself that wow, my luck with Valentine's Day would be different in 2009 because I have a boyfriend. Had.
I just finished watching "In The Land of Women" and the main character is heartbroken over a failed relationship. There's a line where Adam Brody's character shares that "...the further I get away from that (the drama with the girl), I'm not so sure that was real love..." Could that be me with the Music Maestro? I've gone on and on how I believed that he was THE ONE and yet, I find myself crying over him way too much than he deserves. There's definitely something wrong with this picture.
I AM okay...a tad melancholy...but nothing that a lil' retail therapy couldn't fix. So it wasn't clothes or shoes that I splurged on, but rather food and dvds...still. I guess I had to write about 2003 one more time 'cuz there is no way in hell that I'll be doing this again next year- lol. So what if it stings a little bit...what happened with the Music Maestro was like adding salt to the injury...but it heals in time as it always does. There's a lesson to be learned and though I may not know it at the moment, it shall all be revealed when it needs to be.
Happy anniversary to me...MnM is free. <3
For those that know me, it's no secret that I am the keeper of all significant dates. I don't quite know what it is, but I lean towards the theory that I am masochistic and must enjoy the pain of reliving certain events that especially brought me heartache. Instead of moving forward like normal people, I relive those moments as if it were yesterday.
February 16, 2003.
It was an already crappy weekend. Hubby at the time just came back from San Diego and right off the bat, something was up. It being Valentine's Day weekend, I was disappointed that things weren't lovey dovey as I had hoped...plus, it would've been our first as a married couple. When things needed to be discussed, it was his usual tendancy to clam up. Me, on the other hand, liked to talk things out...not right away, but yes, after a significant time that we should. He told me that he had something to tell me...and by the look on his face, I knew that it wasn't good news.
I was patient at first. But then, I got frustrated by his silence. It was then that I became persistent...probably annoyingly so to the point where I was just plain angry.
I finally blurted out, "What is it? Do you have a kid or something?!"
Silence.
He didn't need to say anything because the look on his face said it all. I couldn't believe it. I don't know why I said it. But I remember feeling as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe because of the shock. And he just sat at the edge of the bed with his head down...ashamed. I don't know how much time had passed when I started screaming at him. I can't even recall the profanities that escaped my mouth, but I do remember throwing the remote control against the wall and slapping him hard. I wish I could've seen inside of his head...to feel what he was feeling as I was yelling at him. Because for me, I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Did he feel that? Could he feel that?
It took me a while to calm down. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't be in the same room as him. I remember feeling so nauseated.
But I had to know the truth...I had to know about the child in question. Perhaps ex-hubby was scared of my reaction...maybe he was scared I'd hit him again because he kept his distance...but what followed next was something I was totally unprepared for. I asked him who the kid was and he had to correct me saying that there were TWO kids, not one. And in fact, I already knew who these kids were...they were the "nieces" that he's always talked about and prided himself about how close he felt to them. I've seen pictures and videos of these "nieces" before, but to find out that they were, indeed, his daughters left me speechless. Why didn't he tell me?
This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know how to handle it and my biggest mistake was not telling my family about it right away. How could I? I was embarrassed and ashamed. Embarrassed and ashamed because I SHOULD HAVE known something as important as my future husband having two grown daughters.
Ironically, we were already living in Foster City. I remember leaving the apartment and driving off. I didn't have a destination in mind, but I ended up at a random park in San Mateo. I sat at a bench for what seemed like hours and I remember watching all the people pass me by. I felt numb. I couldn't move. Even if I wanted to, I don't think my legs would've been able to support the weight of my own body. I DID make one call...and that was to my supervisor at work. As vaguely as I could, I told her that I was going through something very personal and that I wouldn't be able to make it in to work at all. It being President's Day weekend, I'd miss four days of school. I was so grateful to her because she didn't pry. Perhaps the request seemed so urgent and maybe the cracking of my voice gave it away, but she told me to take all the time that I needed. I never told anyone at work what happened...not right away anyways...but later on, I would hear the rumors going around about me that I never bothered to squash. The word was that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I heard it for myself and I let people believe it. No one asked questions and I preferred it that way.
Every year since then, February has been a trying month. The depression that plagued me for the next four years was no joke. It wasn't only psychological and emotional, the pain was also physical. Those four days that I didn't go to work was spent in bed. I was completely lethargic...I might as well died...because to me, at that moment, it was as if my world had stopped. You know how there are stages of grief and loss? Well, I skipped a lot of them and didn't handle my grief so well...and that is why I am screwed in the head. But when I had to return to work, I wore the smile that everyone expects of me and went about my day as normally as I could. No one would suspect anything was ever wrong and I intended to keep it that way.
Thank goodness that February is the shortest month! Since 2003, I dreaded February. I dreaded President's Weekend. I dreaded February 16th because my body would react automatically and plunge into this melancholic stupor that would last for days. Last year was different. I actually felt somewhat okay...and it was then that I realized that I was letting the pain, anger, and bitterness go. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. A movie, a song, a picture, or a letter could trigger my emotions so easily, but I knew that I had survived the worst. It DOES get better, by golly, but shit, did it have to take so freakin' long?
Little did I know back then that 2003 would only be the beginning of the end. I was hopeful that we could work it out, in fact, I wanted nothing more. I wanted to be that couple that withstood the drama and proved to everyone that yes, we would be okay. For a long time, I felt like a failure. I thought that if I forgave him just one more time...if I tried one more time. But lie after lie was killing me slowly and I became a whole different person that I no longer recognized. In the end, I HAD to leave. Leaving him and the effects thereafter has been, hands down, the toughest trial in my life.
February 16, 2009.
I woke up sad. Maybe it was habit. My body just knows. It was pouring rain out and I decided to go for a walk. I thought about him and everything that happened six years ago, but surprisingly so, there was no bitterness or anger. Again, maybe the sadness is out of habit. But then, I thought about the Music Maestro...yes, yes, I stated in my previous post that I would try harder to get over him, but that's when I started to feel down. I remember thinking to myself that wow, my luck with Valentine's Day would be different in 2009 because I have a boyfriend. Had.
I just finished watching "In The Land of Women" and the main character is heartbroken over a failed relationship. There's a line where Adam Brody's character shares that "...the further I get away from that (the drama with the girl), I'm not so sure that was real love..." Could that be me with the Music Maestro? I've gone on and on how I believed that he was THE ONE and yet, I find myself crying over him way too much than he deserves. There's definitely something wrong with this picture.
I AM okay...a tad melancholy...but nothing that a lil' retail therapy couldn't fix. So it wasn't clothes or shoes that I splurged on, but rather food and dvds...still. I guess I had to write about 2003 one more time 'cuz there is no way in hell that I'll be doing this again next year- lol. So what if it stings a little bit...what happened with the Music Maestro was like adding salt to the injury...but it heals in time as it always does. There's a lesson to be learned and though I may not know it at the moment, it shall all be revealed when it needs to be.
Happy anniversary to me...MnM is free. <3
Sunday, February 15, 2009
8:56pm
Valentine's Day. Bah. Humbug.
I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to celebrate this overly commercialized holiday when I know that it shouldn't just take one day out of the year to tell someone that you love 'em. I know. And yet, I've always been that girl who'd melt over the just-perfect card and get giddy over handpicked flowers.
I woke up feeling like shit. The night before, the exhaustion of parent-teacher conferences, my recent field trip, and the ever-so-boring teacher in-service hit me like a ton of bricks. My body was achy, my throat was sore, my head was throbbing, and my eyes just wanted to close. At 7pm-ish, I decided to take some Nyquil and call it a night. After 13 hours of sleep, you'd think it would've done me some good. Nada. I felt worse this morning, but I really didn't want to stay in bed all day. I forced myself to drive to Mickey D's for my morning coffee and I actually felt a little bit better.
It being V-Day, I knew that I wasn't up for any kind of company. I'm just not in the mood, surely ya'll can understand, right? It's funny 'cuz there are these 2 comments on my recent post and I have no idea who they are from. But the gist of their message was to "get over it" and "move on." Wise words and good intentions....but don't you think I'm trying?
Apparently not hard enough.
I've been a total couch potato today...either I was in front of the tv catching all of the lovey dovey Valentine flicks OR I was online updating my facebook. NOT as pathetic as it sounds...really. If you really should know, here is what I accomplished today.
1) I updated my MySpace account...took down the picture/slideshow of the Music Maestro and myself.
2) I updated this blog by removing the picture of us from Catalina Island.
3) I updated my facebook album cover so it wouldn't be him and me anymore.
It may seem so insignificant, but these were really huge steps for me. It took me a while to actually delete/remove them...and as for facebook, I didn't have the heart to completely erase them. It's a step in the right direction...not a question here, but a statement.
I DID have my giddy moment today...this, I must share. There's no shame in admitting that I've been looking online AGAIN...'cuz it's better than just moping around and boring my friends to death about the same old shit. (I am grateful that ya'll lend an ear, though...really!)
So I "met" this guy...lol. My friend Helene always laughs when I start my sentences like this. "Met" as in via email and actual phone call. No meeting in person because he's halfway across the country in Texas. Yessir...Texas. In a nutshell, he seems like a normal, decent guy. He's a college professor (and just to make sure, I even googled him...and there he was!). Anyways...he sent me flowers! It really wasn't a surprise that he sent them...'cuz he DID ask for my address...but the surprise was in the fact they came on time AND the arrangement was very beautiful- 4 red roses, 4 pink roses, and 4 yellow roses. I mean, he didn't have to...but he did. And it was really sweet of him...It definitely put a smile on my face and it did make me feel giddy. It was nice to have that warm fuzzy feeling inside again.
The rest of the day went on...more tv, more movies, more facebook...I swear, I was doing oh so well...until 8:56pm. It's not a magical or significant time; rather, I just happen to look at my watch when I was reaching for the tissue.
I went the entire day NOT really thinking about him...yet, a part of me HOPED that there would've been something in the mail from him. A part of me HOPED that I'd get an email or a text. Did you know that I had bought him a Valentine's Day right after New Year's? I was at Target (like that's a big surprise...) and V-Day cards just came out. I was walking by the display when one caught my attention. It was a cat maestro conducting...and it had all of the musical tempos- andante, fortissimo, pianissimo, pizzicato, adagio...it was the perfect card! Naturally, I bought it for him. Egads...there's actually quite a few cards that I've bought with the intention of giving them to him eventually. Not anymore! Ha. But my point is, there's so much that I equate with him...there's so many things that remind me of him...it's all around me and it drives me nuts! So when people (with good intentions) tell me to "just get over it" and "move on," I can't. It's easier said than done. And maybe if you truly understood how hard I fell for him, then you'd know just how hard it is to move on...
But I deleted his pictures today...again, a small step in the eyes of many; a huge step for My. Lol...sorry, that sounded so cheesy. As I deleted them, I felt my heart break a little bit and that's what triggered the tears. Then I got mad...mad that I allowed myself to cry over him today of all days.
I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I doubt it. He would've called if he wanted to.
"He's just not that into you, My."
Okay, okay...I hear ya'...and because he didn't call or contact me, I vow to try harder...starting today.
Valentine's Day. Bah. Humbug.
I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to celebrate this overly commercialized holiday when I know that it shouldn't just take one day out of the year to tell someone that you love 'em. I know. And yet, I've always been that girl who'd melt over the just-perfect card and get giddy over handpicked flowers.
I woke up feeling like shit. The night before, the exhaustion of parent-teacher conferences, my recent field trip, and the ever-so-boring teacher in-service hit me like a ton of bricks. My body was achy, my throat was sore, my head was throbbing, and my eyes just wanted to close. At 7pm-ish, I decided to take some Nyquil and call it a night. After 13 hours of sleep, you'd think it would've done me some good. Nada. I felt worse this morning, but I really didn't want to stay in bed all day. I forced myself to drive to Mickey D's for my morning coffee and I actually felt a little bit better.
It being V-Day, I knew that I wasn't up for any kind of company. I'm just not in the mood, surely ya'll can understand, right? It's funny 'cuz there are these 2 comments on my recent post and I have no idea who they are from. But the gist of their message was to "get over it" and "move on." Wise words and good intentions....but don't you think I'm trying?
Apparently not hard enough.
I've been a total couch potato today...either I was in front of the tv catching all of the lovey dovey Valentine flicks OR I was online updating my facebook. NOT as pathetic as it sounds...really. If you really should know, here is what I accomplished today.
1) I updated my MySpace account...took down the picture/slideshow of the Music Maestro and myself.
2) I updated this blog by removing the picture of us from Catalina Island.
3) I updated my facebook album cover so it wouldn't be him and me anymore.
It may seem so insignificant, but these were really huge steps for me. It took me a while to actually delete/remove them...and as for facebook, I didn't have the heart to completely erase them. It's a step in the right direction...not a question here, but a statement.
I DID have my giddy moment today...this, I must share. There's no shame in admitting that I've been looking online AGAIN...'cuz it's better than just moping around and boring my friends to death about the same old shit. (I am grateful that ya'll lend an ear, though...really!)
So I "met" this guy...lol. My friend Helene always laughs when I start my sentences like this. "Met" as in via email and actual phone call. No meeting in person because he's halfway across the country in Texas. Yessir...Texas. In a nutshell, he seems like a normal, decent guy. He's a college professor (and just to make sure, I even googled him...and there he was!). Anyways...he sent me flowers! It really wasn't a surprise that he sent them...'cuz he DID ask for my address...but the surprise was in the fact they came on time AND the arrangement was very beautiful- 4 red roses, 4 pink roses, and 4 yellow roses. I mean, he didn't have to...but he did. And it was really sweet of him...It definitely put a smile on my face and it did make me feel giddy. It was nice to have that warm fuzzy feeling inside again.
The rest of the day went on...more tv, more movies, more facebook...I swear, I was doing oh so well...until 8:56pm. It's not a magical or significant time; rather, I just happen to look at my watch when I was reaching for the tissue.
I went the entire day NOT really thinking about him...yet, a part of me HOPED that there would've been something in the mail from him. A part of me HOPED that I'd get an email or a text. Did you know that I had bought him a Valentine's Day right after New Year's? I was at Target (like that's a big surprise...) and V-Day cards just came out. I was walking by the display when one caught my attention. It was a cat maestro conducting...and it had all of the musical tempos- andante, fortissimo, pianissimo, pizzicato, adagio...it was the perfect card! Naturally, I bought it for him. Egads...there's actually quite a few cards that I've bought with the intention of giving them to him eventually. Not anymore! Ha. But my point is, there's so much that I equate with him...there's so many things that remind me of him...it's all around me and it drives me nuts! So when people (with good intentions) tell me to "just get over it" and "move on," I can't. It's easier said than done. And maybe if you truly understood how hard I fell for him, then you'd know just how hard it is to move on...
But I deleted his pictures today...again, a small step in the eyes of many; a huge step for My. Lol...sorry, that sounded so cheesy. As I deleted them, I felt my heart break a little bit and that's what triggered the tears. Then I got mad...mad that I allowed myself to cry over him today of all days.
I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I doubt it. He would've called if he wanted to.
"He's just not that into you, My."
Okay, okay...I hear ya'...and because he didn't call or contact me, I vow to try harder...starting today.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
You
...were the first person that I thought of the minute my last conference was over. As I packed my belongings, I automatically reached for my cell to check if anyone had called. For some odd reason, I secretly hoped there'd be a message from you...but why would there be one?
...were the one that I wanted to call this week. This week has been HELL and aside from my friends at work, I wanted to share my frustrations with you. I longed to hear your sarcastic comments about everything and I wanted to feel that acknowledging sympathy that only another teacher could feel. I wanted to ask your opinion on things, but I prided myself in the fact that not once did I call or text you. Why would I?
...were the one that I thought of as I sat in traffic. Driving south towards the Peninsula wasn't as bad as the congested traffic going north. I realized that today was Wednesday and had things been different, you would've been in your truck heading up my way in that very same traffic.
There are days when I miss you like crazy. It sounds pathetic, but sometimes I re-read some of your texts that I saved. It's eerie how one lil' text can bring the exact moment and situation to mind. Then, there are days when I have a "screw you" mentality. Eventually, I try and go about my day as if it's any other day....and then it feels as if we never went out in the first place. I get my "Twilight" moment of when Edward left Bella and says that it will be "as if he never existed." I can't quite put your pictures away and most of all, I continue to wear the pendant you gave me for Christmas.
With February being February, it's been an overall HELLish month. My body has automatically reacted and the result is pure discomfort and indescribably aches.
I'm told to just forget you...but I can't...yet. Honestly? I don't want to.
...were the first person that I thought of the minute my last conference was over. As I packed my belongings, I automatically reached for my cell to check if anyone had called. For some odd reason, I secretly hoped there'd be a message from you...but why would there be one?
...were the one that I wanted to call this week. This week has been HELL and aside from my friends at work, I wanted to share my frustrations with you. I longed to hear your sarcastic comments about everything and I wanted to feel that acknowledging sympathy that only another teacher could feel. I wanted to ask your opinion on things, but I prided myself in the fact that not once did I call or text you. Why would I?
...were the one that I thought of as I sat in traffic. Driving south towards the Peninsula wasn't as bad as the congested traffic going north. I realized that today was Wednesday and had things been different, you would've been in your truck heading up my way in that very same traffic.
There are days when I miss you like crazy. It sounds pathetic, but sometimes I re-read some of your texts that I saved. It's eerie how one lil' text can bring the exact moment and situation to mind. Then, there are days when I have a "screw you" mentality. Eventually, I try and go about my day as if it's any other day....and then it feels as if we never went out in the first place. I get my "Twilight" moment of when Edward left Bella and says that it will be "as if he never existed." I can't quite put your pictures away and most of all, I continue to wear the pendant you gave me for Christmas.
With February being February, it's been an overall HELLish month. My body has automatically reacted and the result is pure discomfort and indescribably aches.
I'm told to just forget you...but I can't...yet. Honestly? I don't want to.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Can't I...
...have the whole package?
I stayed home from work today. I had asked for the day off previously in order to recover from the Kaiser Half Marathon I was supposedly to have run yesterday. As it turns out, my knees and my lower back have been acting up...there would've been no way that I would've finished the run without seriously injuring myself. I thought I was cool, going for simple runs here and there, but with all of the personal drama that is the soap opera of my life, I was not mentally prepared. And you know what they say...it's usually 90% mental and 10% physical. Or something like that. Either way, the whole Music Maestro thing put me outta whack and my marathon prep went out the door. Dammit...I was pretty bummed and disappointed that I didn't participate, but I know that there will be other ones soon to come.
Anyways, I caught an episode of Gilmore Girls this morning. How I love reruns of this show...nevermind that I have most of the seasons on DVD- lol! Anyways, for those who aren't fans, it basically centers around a mother-daughter relationship...the ups and downs of their lives...the struggles of being a single mom...etc. The mom had the daughter at 16 years old, never married the father, but was still able to raise a great kid all on her own. In this particular episode, the mom and dad seemed to be getting back together. It's been years and while they've maintained contact for the sake of the kid, they had led separate lives until now. They talked about being a family...being together as they should have been...talking about making up the years they lost, etc. Just when you think a happy ending is close at hand, the inevitable happens. Turns out dad's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is pregnant...and wanting to do the right thing, he decides to stay with her and forego his plans of reuniting with his daughter's mother.
It's heartbreaking...because all this time, you're rooting for Lorelei, the mom. You WANT her to be happy because she's definitely had her share of heartbreak. She's always wanted that family unit, even though she was content that it was her and her daughter for so long.
In the end, she's sad and crying. She laments her situation. Yes, she IS lucky to have her daughter. Yes, she IS thankful for her home and job. Yes, she IS grateful for wonderful friends who support and love her no matter what. Yet, there's something that's missing that makes her feel incomplete. She wants the WHOLE package.
I want the whole package, too.
There is so much that I have to be thankful for...and I truly am. I've been wonderfully blessed to be in the situation that I am. Yes, I've gone through my own hardships and continue to work my way from the bottom up...but there's something missing. Not that I'm saying that I NEED someone to complete me...it would just be nice.
Ya'll have heard me say (over and over again...) that I thought the Music Maestro was the one for me. I still do in some ways, but I can't allow myself to brood over him (as much as I already have...). Aside from the obvious romantic relationship that I had with him, the one thing that I truly miss...is his companionship.
I miss talking and hanging out. I miss watching tv with him and I miss sitting next to him on the couch with the dog at our feet. I miss setting the table as he prepared dinner and I miss watching him drink from his wine glass as he cooked away. I miss taking walks with him to Starbucks or just even to take the dog out. I miss riding in his car...and even though I wasn't a fan, I even miss listening to Howard Stern. I miss the times when he'd put on regular music and he's try to groove with the beat...keyword is try- lol. I miss everything about him...
It sounds pathetic, I know...but I miss the friendship the most. I'm going through withdrawals because I have so much damn time on my hands....which is why I did the unthinkable...
I started browsing online again- LOL. Egads. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but honestly, I'm not ready for it. I am craving the attention that he used to give me, but woe to the dude that comes after him! Poor guy won't have a chance. Without intentionally doing so, I KNOW that I'm looking for the Music Maestro again. And at this point, no one can compare. This SO sucks.
So through this entire rant and rave, I still find myself bummed. I forgot how hard breakups can be. Just like in Gilmore Girls, I am good...I'm thankful for all that I have...but what's wrong with wanting the whole package? Nothing, right? People tell me it'll happen when it happens...in due time...just be patient...blah blah blah.
I know...it's just not easy is all I'm saying.
...have the whole package?
I stayed home from work today. I had asked for the day off previously in order to recover from the Kaiser Half Marathon I was supposedly to have run yesterday. As it turns out, my knees and my lower back have been acting up...there would've been no way that I would've finished the run without seriously injuring myself. I thought I was cool, going for simple runs here and there, but with all of the personal drama that is the soap opera of my life, I was not mentally prepared. And you know what they say...it's usually 90% mental and 10% physical. Or something like that. Either way, the whole Music Maestro thing put me outta whack and my marathon prep went out the door. Dammit...I was pretty bummed and disappointed that I didn't participate, but I know that there will be other ones soon to come.
Anyways, I caught an episode of Gilmore Girls this morning. How I love reruns of this show...nevermind that I have most of the seasons on DVD- lol! Anyways, for those who aren't fans, it basically centers around a mother-daughter relationship...the ups and downs of their lives...the struggles of being a single mom...etc. The mom had the daughter at 16 years old, never married the father, but was still able to raise a great kid all on her own. In this particular episode, the mom and dad seemed to be getting back together. It's been years and while they've maintained contact for the sake of the kid, they had led separate lives until now. They talked about being a family...being together as they should have been...talking about making up the years they lost, etc. Just when you think a happy ending is close at hand, the inevitable happens. Turns out dad's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend is pregnant...and wanting to do the right thing, he decides to stay with her and forego his plans of reuniting with his daughter's mother.
It's heartbreaking...because all this time, you're rooting for Lorelei, the mom. You WANT her to be happy because she's definitely had her share of heartbreak. She's always wanted that family unit, even though she was content that it was her and her daughter for so long.
In the end, she's sad and crying. She laments her situation. Yes, she IS lucky to have her daughter. Yes, she IS thankful for her home and job. Yes, she IS grateful for wonderful friends who support and love her no matter what. Yet, there's something that's missing that makes her feel incomplete. She wants the WHOLE package.
I want the whole package, too.
There is so much that I have to be thankful for...and I truly am. I've been wonderfully blessed to be in the situation that I am. Yes, I've gone through my own hardships and continue to work my way from the bottom up...but there's something missing. Not that I'm saying that I NEED someone to complete me...it would just be nice.
Ya'll have heard me say (over and over again...) that I thought the Music Maestro was the one for me. I still do in some ways, but I can't allow myself to brood over him (as much as I already have...). Aside from the obvious romantic relationship that I had with him, the one thing that I truly miss...is his companionship.
I miss talking and hanging out. I miss watching tv with him and I miss sitting next to him on the couch with the dog at our feet. I miss setting the table as he prepared dinner and I miss watching him drink from his wine glass as he cooked away. I miss taking walks with him to Starbucks or just even to take the dog out. I miss riding in his car...and even though I wasn't a fan, I even miss listening to Howard Stern. I miss the times when he'd put on regular music and he's try to groove with the beat...keyword is try- lol. I miss everything about him...
It sounds pathetic, I know...but I miss the friendship the most. I'm going through withdrawals because I have so much damn time on my hands....which is why I did the unthinkable...
I started browsing online again- LOL. Egads. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but honestly, I'm not ready for it. I am craving the attention that he used to give me, but woe to the dude that comes after him! Poor guy won't have a chance. Without intentionally doing so, I KNOW that I'm looking for the Music Maestro again. And at this point, no one can compare. This SO sucks.
So through this entire rant and rave, I still find myself bummed. I forgot how hard breakups can be. Just like in Gilmore Girls, I am good...I'm thankful for all that I have...but what's wrong with wanting the whole package? Nothing, right? People tell me it'll happen when it happens...in due time...just be patient...blah blah blah.
I know...it's just not easy is all I'm saying.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I Get It...
I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The movie with the same name is coming out next week, just in time for Valentine's Day. I've been telling people that is how I'm going to spend that overly commercialized holiday- watching this movie in the theaters solo.
It was a random and impulsive buy at Target. I was roaming the dvd aisles like I always do and I saw the book. I didn't even bother to check the price, but I did check to make sure none of the pages were bent or folded...my usual once over for any books that I purchase.
Later on that night as I settled into bed, I realized that it wasn't based on the movie script, but rather, it was more like a self-help book. I read all the forewords and right away, I knew that it'd be a quick read. The authors are actual writers/editors/consultants for Sex in the City...AND here's a quick random fact for ya'll...they are the ones who coined the phrase, "He's just not that into you." Now we know where it came from...
Right away, the vibe of the book caters to single women who are treading water (and perhaps even drowning) in the deep and open waters of dating. I shit you not, but I can very much relate to A LOT of the things I read about...and I thought that was pretty darn scary (and sad).
First of all, it's a huge comfort to know that I'm not the only one who chooses losers for boyfriends. Okay, maybe that's a tad bit harsh...forgive me...I'm still in "angry and pissed off mode" over the Music Maestro. NOT that I'm making an excuse for his behavior, but I don't necessarily think he is or ever will be a "loser." He's a really great guy...talented, smart, funny...hurt, lost, confused...but not a loser...
However, what I read on p.125 made me want to circle, underline, and highlight the following,
"You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn't lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there's no mystery, and tell you up front that he's not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. YOU ARE NOT EASILY FORGETTABLE."
I honest to goodness believed that the Music Maestro was THE guy. Seriously. On the surface, it was a relationship in its early stages. We only went out for 7 months. BUT, considering what we both went through previously, the timing and the things that transpired, seemed so right. But after zooming through this book, I realized that yes, he WAS into me...but now and currently, he is NOT...no longer.
The book made me laugh out loud...there were moments where I had to repeat lines out loud so I can hear it for myself...and yes, the truth hurt...like hell.
A lot of it seems so simple...yet, when we are overcome by emotion and when you are ME, the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, it is difficult to see things for what they really are. And yes, even though your family and friends see it and point out the obvious, I'm one of those who have to come to the conclusions herself...even if it DOES take a tad longer than people expect. Either I'm stubborn or just slow....perhaps both...crap.
At the end of each chapter, there's a section entitled, "Things You Should've Learned In This Chapter." I just wanted to list some that resonated...and really, I think I found them more validating and encouraging, if anything. So here goes.
Things I Should've Learned...
*If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
*Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down that phone.
*If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
*Better than nothing is NOT good enough for you!
*Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend.
*Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
*Cut him off. Let him miss you.
*He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
*Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
*There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
*You ARE good enough to be asked out.
It's been a month since I last saw him...and there's not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me...or if he misses me at all. Apparently, I am wasting my time. I am having a hard time letting go...but you'd be relieved to know that I'm moving on, however slow as it may be. Unfortunately, I know this whole break-up has affected my work. My piles of papers are stacked so high, it's ridiculous! I'm so thankful for Ethan's Mommy 'cuz she is the first one I see at school...she's the one who sees my red, puffy eyes..and she has a knack for knowing when to ask how things are, when NOT to ask, when to listen, and what to say. So thanks Lily...you're my true bud!
I've taken down most of his pictures, but I'm conflicted on whether or not I should delete them from my facebook/myspace/blog...I can't do it just yet. Even though we are no longer together, it hasn't changed the way I feel about him. What's makes it all so hard isn't just the fact that he decided to call it quits, but it's the fact that I've got to start all over...AGAIN. It's emotionally draining...and by golly, it hurts like a mf. I don't know if my heart can handle any more heartache!
But I should stop with my pity party, as one of my good friends pointed out. I should re-read all of those lessons I should've learned. The optimistic side of me continues to hope that the Music Maestro WILL find me when he's ready...but for now, I get it. I've heard it loud and clear.
I just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The movie with the same name is coming out next week, just in time for Valentine's Day. I've been telling people that is how I'm going to spend that overly commercialized holiday- watching this movie in the theaters solo.
It was a random and impulsive buy at Target. I was roaming the dvd aisles like I always do and I saw the book. I didn't even bother to check the price, but I did check to make sure none of the pages were bent or folded...my usual once over for any books that I purchase.
Later on that night as I settled into bed, I realized that it wasn't based on the movie script, but rather, it was more like a self-help book. I read all the forewords and right away, I knew that it'd be a quick read. The authors are actual writers/editors/consultants for Sex in the City...AND here's a quick random fact for ya'll...they are the ones who coined the phrase, "He's just not that into you." Now we know where it came from...
Right away, the vibe of the book caters to single women who are treading water (and perhaps even drowning) in the deep and open waters of dating. I shit you not, but I can very much relate to A LOT of the things I read about...and I thought that was pretty darn scary (and sad).
First of all, it's a huge comfort to know that I'm not the only one who chooses losers for boyfriends. Okay, maybe that's a tad bit harsh...forgive me...I'm still in "angry and pissed off mode" over the Music Maestro. NOT that I'm making an excuse for his behavior, but I don't necessarily think he is or ever will be a "loser." He's a really great guy...talented, smart, funny...hurt, lost, confused...but not a loser...
However, what I read on p.125 made me want to circle, underline, and highlight the following,
"You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn't lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there's no mystery, and tell you up front that he's not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. YOU ARE NOT EASILY FORGETTABLE."
I honest to goodness believed that the Music Maestro was THE guy. Seriously. On the surface, it was a relationship in its early stages. We only went out for 7 months. BUT, considering what we both went through previously, the timing and the things that transpired, seemed so right. But after zooming through this book, I realized that yes, he WAS into me...but now and currently, he is NOT...no longer.
The book made me laugh out loud...there were moments where I had to repeat lines out loud so I can hear it for myself...and yes, the truth hurt...like hell.
A lot of it seems so simple...yet, when we are overcome by emotion and when you are ME, the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, it is difficult to see things for what they really are. And yes, even though your family and friends see it and point out the obvious, I'm one of those who have to come to the conclusions herself...even if it DOES take a tad longer than people expect. Either I'm stubborn or just slow....perhaps both...crap.
At the end of each chapter, there's a section entitled, "Things You Should've Learned In This Chapter." I just wanted to list some that resonated...and really, I think I found them more validating and encouraging, if anything. So here goes.
Things I Should've Learned...
*If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
*Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down that phone.
*If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.
*Better than nothing is NOT good enough for you!
*Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend.
*Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
*Cut him off. Let him miss you.
*He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
*Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
*There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
*You ARE good enough to be asked out.
It's been a month since I last saw him...and there's not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me...or if he misses me at all. Apparently, I am wasting my time. I am having a hard time letting go...but you'd be relieved to know that I'm moving on, however slow as it may be. Unfortunately, I know this whole break-up has affected my work. My piles of papers are stacked so high, it's ridiculous! I'm so thankful for Ethan's Mommy 'cuz she is the first one I see at school...she's the one who sees my red, puffy eyes..and she has a knack for knowing when to ask how things are, when NOT to ask, when to listen, and what to say. So thanks Lily...you're my true bud!
I've taken down most of his pictures, but I'm conflicted on whether or not I should delete them from my facebook/myspace/blog...I can't do it just yet. Even though we are no longer together, it hasn't changed the way I feel about him. What's makes it all so hard isn't just the fact that he decided to call it quits, but it's the fact that I've got to start all over...AGAIN. It's emotionally draining...and by golly, it hurts like a mf. I don't know if my heart can handle any more heartache!
But I should stop with my pity party, as one of my good friends pointed out. I should re-read all of those lessons I should've learned. The optimistic side of me continues to hope that the Music Maestro WILL find me when he's ready...but for now, I get it. I've heard it loud and clear.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Kuya Sam
I thought about you today, knowing that your birthday is tomorrow. You would've been 39 years old. It hurts to think that the last time I saw you, you were already gone from us. How I wished that I was able to say goodbye to you! I distinctly remember getting the phone call...I was devastated. You were, after all, the kuya that always had my back. You always had time for me along with a big hug and mischievous smile. You seemed to always know when something wasn't quite right with me and you'd cheer me up with one of your stories that would usually leave me with the same comment out of my mouth, "Oh no, you didn't!"
I don't recall the flight down to Southern California. All I know is that I dreaded seeing you. I wasn't quite ready to see you for the last time. I came with Caramello and as we walked up that long aisle to where you lay, my body trembled. The tears filled my eyes and I had trouble breathing. I've never had a close friend of mine die before. When I finally saw you, I was jolted by how you were dressed...you were in a sports jersey! That took me by surprise and I had to laugh...which everyone pretty much did...but after that, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You looked so peaceful. I wonder if you heard my thoughts that day...I shared many things with you that day, as if we were having our usual conversations...I shared because I missed you and I wanted you to know what was going on with me. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been standing with you, talking with you, crying...because Caramello had to pull me away. I didn't want to go just yet because I wanted more time.
Your memorial service was SO you...full of laughter and good memories. Of course tears were shed, but mostly, it was because someone shared a story that had us rolling in the aisles! One by one, people went up and spoke about you. Your family loved the story about how Likha peoples nicknamed you "Tiny Bubbles!" I didn't go up, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend you were to me...and how I would always consider you my big brother.
So I was thinking about you...and wishing I could tell you what's been up with me lately. I would've loved to share about the Music Maestro...and boy, you would've thought he was cute! lol! I probably would've had to endure all of your joking comments, "Well honey, get out of the way so I can get a piece of that!" Or, when I would've told you that we were taking a "break" because he needed time...or that he just cut me off completely because things were becoming too much for him...I could honestly hear you tell me, "Gurrrlllll....it's time to move on!" "He ain't worth your time, honey...." "Oh NO, he didn't!" Yet, all kidding aside, you probably would've took me aside and let me cry on your shoulder, too...
It's been two years since your passing and I still miss you terribly. You were too young to be taken. But when I think about you, it's always with love, laughter, and believe it or not, it's with a Janet Jackson song in the background! You're definitely not forgotten...miss and love you lots...
I thought about you today, knowing that your birthday is tomorrow. You would've been 39 years old. It hurts to think that the last time I saw you, you were already gone from us. How I wished that I was able to say goodbye to you! I distinctly remember getting the phone call...I was devastated. You were, after all, the kuya that always had my back. You always had time for me along with a big hug and mischievous smile. You seemed to always know when something wasn't quite right with me and you'd cheer me up with one of your stories that would usually leave me with the same comment out of my mouth, "Oh no, you didn't!"
I don't recall the flight down to Southern California. All I know is that I dreaded seeing you. I wasn't quite ready to see you for the last time. I came with Caramello and as we walked up that long aisle to where you lay, my body trembled. The tears filled my eyes and I had trouble breathing. I've never had a close friend of mine die before. When I finally saw you, I was jolted by how you were dressed...you were in a sports jersey! That took me by surprise and I had to laugh...which everyone pretty much did...but after that, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You looked so peaceful. I wonder if you heard my thoughts that day...I shared many things with you that day, as if we were having our usual conversations...I shared because I missed you and I wanted you to know what was going on with me. I guess I didn't realize how long I had been standing with you, talking with you, crying...because Caramello had to pull me away. I didn't want to go just yet because I wanted more time.
Your memorial service was SO you...full of laughter and good memories. Of course tears were shed, but mostly, it was because someone shared a story that had us rolling in the aisles! One by one, people went up and spoke about you. Your family loved the story about how Likha peoples nicknamed you "Tiny Bubbles!" I didn't go up, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone what a great friend you were to me...and how I would always consider you my big brother.
So I was thinking about you...and wishing I could tell you what's been up with me lately. I would've loved to share about the Music Maestro...and boy, you would've thought he was cute! lol! I probably would've had to endure all of your joking comments, "Well honey, get out of the way so I can get a piece of that!" Or, when I would've told you that we were taking a "break" because he needed time...or that he just cut me off completely because things were becoming too much for him...I could honestly hear you tell me, "Gurrrlllll....it's time to move on!" "He ain't worth your time, honey...." "Oh NO, he didn't!" Yet, all kidding aside, you probably would've took me aside and let me cry on your shoulder, too...
It's been two years since your passing and I still miss you terribly. You were too young to be taken. But when I think about you, it's always with love, laughter, and believe it or not, it's with a Janet Jackson song in the background! You're definitely not forgotten...miss and love you lots...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Sun Shines Again...
I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.
I got his voicemail.
In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...
At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!
I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.
Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.
I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.
I got his voicemail.
In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...
At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!
I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.
Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Selfish
I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.
Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...
The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...
How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.
I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.
I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.
Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.
And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.
I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.
I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.
Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...
The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...
How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.
I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.
I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.
Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.
And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.
I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
The Question Is...
How do you get over the love of your life?
This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.
I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.
I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.
But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.
How do you get over the love of your life?
There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.
Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.
Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.
Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.
There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.
There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.
I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.
How do you get over the love of your life?
This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.
I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.
I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.
But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.
How do you get over the love of your life?
There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.
Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.
Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.
Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.
There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.
There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.
I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Stay At Home Day
I look out my window and all I see are gray clouds and imminent rain. The ground is wet, but with my still sleepy eyes, I can't determine whether or not it's raining at the moment. The sound of the cars passing on the bridge outside my window consists of loud sloshing on the wet ground. It's deafening and irritating, but at the same time, it could be therapeutically mesmerizing. Not exactly the same effect as listening to waves crashing onto the shore, but the continuous sound could almost put someone to sleep.
The wind is picking up and I only know that because I have these huge trees outside my window. When I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping next to the window, especially if there was a tree close by. All due to a movie that greatly traumamtized me, but which I won't even mention the movie title here..simply because, well, I do have a vivid imagination.
But wait, it's getting a tad brighter in my room. The sun is trying to break through the clouds. I can understand its struggle...it's as if I am trying to break through my own dark clouds and find that silver lining. It would be on the dot to say that I'm beyond sad for so many reasons and that for the moment, I am willing the sun to retract behind the clouds and let the rain come pouring down.
My room is cold. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. The warmth of all the heavy blankets is so inviting that it almost pulls me under. And what perfect timing. For but a second, there is complete silence. No cars passing, no birds chirping, no children laughing or playing...nothing. I want more of that for right now. I'm going back to bed. I'm going to close my eyes and lie very still...and hope that my dreams will be like the falling rain...
I look out my window and all I see are gray clouds and imminent rain. The ground is wet, but with my still sleepy eyes, I can't determine whether or not it's raining at the moment. The sound of the cars passing on the bridge outside my window consists of loud sloshing on the wet ground. It's deafening and irritating, but at the same time, it could be therapeutically mesmerizing. Not exactly the same effect as listening to waves crashing onto the shore, but the continuous sound could almost put someone to sleep.
The wind is picking up and I only know that because I have these huge trees outside my window. When I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping next to the window, especially if there was a tree close by. All due to a movie that greatly traumamtized me, but which I won't even mention the movie title here..simply because, well, I do have a vivid imagination.
But wait, it's getting a tad brighter in my room. The sun is trying to break through the clouds. I can understand its struggle...it's as if I am trying to break through my own dark clouds and find that silver lining. It would be on the dot to say that I'm beyond sad for so many reasons and that for the moment, I am willing the sun to retract behind the clouds and let the rain come pouring down.
My room is cold. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. The warmth of all the heavy blankets is so inviting that it almost pulls me under. And what perfect timing. For but a second, there is complete silence. No cars passing, no birds chirping, no children laughing or playing...nothing. I want more of that for right now. I'm going back to bed. I'm going to close my eyes and lie very still...and hope that my dreams will be like the falling rain...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 and the Year It Was...
New Year's Eve 2008. Already?
Like everyone else and their mama, I've been reflecting on 2008 and the year that it was. I don't recall ever saying this, but it was a GREAT year! Perhaps the past SIX YEARS, (holy crap, am I reading that right?!) was spent being jaded that I never really took the time to see how truly screwed up life had gotten. There were one too many times when I seriously thought I was going mental because of the up and down cycle my life had taken. Six years. Wow.
When I think back on 2008, not everything was all sunshine and flowers...there was, of course, the death of my lolo. The end of school last year couldn't come fast enough and will, no doubt, go into my history book as "the worst school year ever." But despite the heartaches and headaches, there is still so much to be thankful for.
I had always believed that finding love (again) was not in my cards. I definitely had Ally McBeal syndrome. There was a time when I thought I had my chance, but I lost. Game over. I started dating...good Lord...and that, in itself, was an experience. I can't even tell you how many 1st dates I went on, but time and time again, it was the same old shit. Guys desperately looking for one thing and lil' ole me, looking for love. And that is why, after a year of torturing myself with "I wonder if he'll call me..." and "Does he really like me?", I decided to give up on the whole dating thing and call it quits. It was fun while it lasted (which wasn't very long...), but it just wasn't for me.
But, as fate would have it, I went on a date (vowing that it would be my last!). And what a pleasant surprise the Music Maestro was! I was captivated by those gorgeous dimples of his and I was even more taken by his wonderful personality. Falling in love with him was inevitable. He is what made my year...
Last year, I made a list of resolutions and I kept it on my desktop as a reminder. I had 12 things on that list! Highly motivated to have 12? Yah, I sure was! Although I didn't get to all 12, I did manage to complete 7 things. Among the 7 included doing another half marathon, reading and writing more, finding a home church, and finding love again.
I still need to work on my list for 2009, but I already have a good idea what will be on it.
My year comes to a bittersweet end...it is not how I would've dealt the cards, but then again, you make do with the hand dealt to you.
I've said this repeatedly, but I am a believer that all things happen for a reason...we may not understand the "whys" and the "how comes" at the moment, but things get set into motion because they are meant to. It's taken me a while to be patient and to try and understand that fact because while you're feeling like shit and just want to hide under a rock, the forces at work are putting other things into place. And it's when you least expect AND when God thinks it's the right time for it to be so, things happen. It's only after time has passed that we are able to look back and reflect...and we finally come to that understanding that we just couldn't see before.
I'm at that point where I'm asking, "Why God? Why now?" And the funny thing that I picture is God listening and hearing me, shaking His head and saying, "In due time, my child, in due time." The hurts we come across in life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Most times, they happen to make you into a stronger person. The pain helps to mold you for bigger and better things to come. Sometimes people just need to be so broken down that the only way they could go is UP. And when you look up, or when I do, I just want to see his face revealed to me. So one of my resolutions for this year (and thereafter) is to put more of my trust in God...it's not an easy thing, mind you, but that is the desire of my heart. I need to trust that whatever path God has led me to that I'm supposed to travel it for a reason. So many time, though, I just wish I had a map to help lead the way...
Maybe that's why God created music...the music speaks to people differently and the words inspire and touch us in unique ways. It always amazes me when I hear particular songs at particular times...as if God wanted me to hear it when I needed to. If I had the time, I'd list the lyrics to all the songs that have spoken to me recently, but this one speaks the loudest at the moment...
-------------------------------------------------------
Falling On My Knees
by Kokua
Here you'll find me on my knees and I'm broken, every part of me.
I am calling out, "Lord please, come save me. Come and rescue me."
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
Here I'm falling on my knees, overtaken by your majesty.
I am humbled by your grace, it surrounds me, overwhelms me.
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I need more of you, reveal yourself to me.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
--------------------------------------------------
I am hopeful for the new year. I've always tried to be the optimistic one. I have so many wishes to wish for people...we all have our own dramas, issues, and heartaches to face and deal with- we all need our time and space- and that time is needed to mold us into the individuals that we are MEANT to be.
*My wish for you is that God heals your heart and that you will finally find the comfort you need to move on...know that love and relationships aren't perfect, but that love IS possible again...understand that you are loved by family, friends, and me...and finally, that each day will make the pain hurt less.
A happy and safe 2009 to you...my ever faithful readers. ;-)
Much love always...
New Year's Eve 2008. Already?
Like everyone else and their mama, I've been reflecting on 2008 and the year that it was. I don't recall ever saying this, but it was a GREAT year! Perhaps the past SIX YEARS, (holy crap, am I reading that right?!) was spent being jaded that I never really took the time to see how truly screwed up life had gotten. There were one too many times when I seriously thought I was going mental because of the up and down cycle my life had taken. Six years. Wow.
When I think back on 2008, not everything was all sunshine and flowers...there was, of course, the death of my lolo. The end of school last year couldn't come fast enough and will, no doubt, go into my history book as "the worst school year ever." But despite the heartaches and headaches, there is still so much to be thankful for.
I had always believed that finding love (again) was not in my cards. I definitely had Ally McBeal syndrome. There was a time when I thought I had my chance, but I lost. Game over. I started dating...good Lord...and that, in itself, was an experience. I can't even tell you how many 1st dates I went on, but time and time again, it was the same old shit. Guys desperately looking for one thing and lil' ole me, looking for love. And that is why, after a year of torturing myself with "I wonder if he'll call me..." and "Does he really like me?", I decided to give up on the whole dating thing and call it quits. It was fun while it lasted (which wasn't very long...), but it just wasn't for me.
But, as fate would have it, I went on a date (vowing that it would be my last!). And what a pleasant surprise the Music Maestro was! I was captivated by those gorgeous dimples of his and I was even more taken by his wonderful personality. Falling in love with him was inevitable. He is what made my year...
Last year, I made a list of resolutions and I kept it on my desktop as a reminder. I had 12 things on that list! Highly motivated to have 12? Yah, I sure was! Although I didn't get to all 12, I did manage to complete 7 things. Among the 7 included doing another half marathon, reading and writing more, finding a home church, and finding love again.
I still need to work on my list for 2009, but I already have a good idea what will be on it.
My year comes to a bittersweet end...it is not how I would've dealt the cards, but then again, you make do with the hand dealt to you.
I've said this repeatedly, but I am a believer that all things happen for a reason...we may not understand the "whys" and the "how comes" at the moment, but things get set into motion because they are meant to. It's taken me a while to be patient and to try and understand that fact because while you're feeling like shit and just want to hide under a rock, the forces at work are putting other things into place. And it's when you least expect AND when God thinks it's the right time for it to be so, things happen. It's only after time has passed that we are able to look back and reflect...and we finally come to that understanding that we just couldn't see before.
I'm at that point where I'm asking, "Why God? Why now?" And the funny thing that I picture is God listening and hearing me, shaking His head and saying, "In due time, my child, in due time." The hurts we come across in life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Most times, they happen to make you into a stronger person. The pain helps to mold you for bigger and better things to come. Sometimes people just need to be so broken down that the only way they could go is UP. And when you look up, or when I do, I just want to see his face revealed to me. So one of my resolutions for this year (and thereafter) is to put more of my trust in God...it's not an easy thing, mind you, but that is the desire of my heart. I need to trust that whatever path God has led me to that I'm supposed to travel it for a reason. So many time, though, I just wish I had a map to help lead the way...
Maybe that's why God created music...the music speaks to people differently and the words inspire and touch us in unique ways. It always amazes me when I hear particular songs at particular times...as if God wanted me to hear it when I needed to. If I had the time, I'd list the lyrics to all the songs that have spoken to me recently, but this one speaks the loudest at the moment...
-------------------------------------------------------
Falling On My Knees
by Kokua
Here you'll find me on my knees and I'm broken, every part of me.
I am calling out, "Lord please, come save me. Come and rescue me."
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
Here I'm falling on my knees, overtaken by your majesty.
I am humbled by your grace, it surrounds me, overwhelms me.
Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I need more of you, reveal yourself to me.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
--------------------------------------------------
I am hopeful for the new year. I've always tried to be the optimistic one. I have so many wishes to wish for people...we all have our own dramas, issues, and heartaches to face and deal with- we all need our time and space- and that time is needed to mold us into the individuals that we are MEANT to be.
*My wish for you is that God heals your heart and that you will finally find the comfort you need to move on...know that love and relationships aren't perfect, but that love IS possible again...understand that you are loved by family, friends, and me...and finally, that each day will make the pain hurt less.
A happy and safe 2009 to you...my ever faithful readers. ;-)
Much love always...
Monday, December 29, 2008
My Roller Coaster Ride
I normally love roller coaster rides...the anticipation as you slowly creep up the track...that brief second as time seems to stand still when you reach the top and you're left teetering on the brink of going over the edge...and finally being thrown for a loop as you plunge through the g-forces and your stomach makes it way up your throat.
I've never been much of a screamer. For some odd reason, I have the nervous giggles instead. As my body is being thrown this way and that, as I experience a brief moment of no gravity, I find myself clutching the handle bars for dear life and laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps the laughing masks the manic hysteria and probably relieves the stress and fear the ride induces. Either way, it's a rush and a thrill that I most likely would repeat.
But when it comes to personal life situations, the roller coaster rides leave me dizzy, out of breath, and overly anxious. I'm usually left confused and oftentimes, nauseous. There is no comparison to the real rides and there's almost that fear that the ride will somehow continue endlessly, never stopping for you to get off. Having your emotions go through the motions, rising and falling without any control is nerve racking.
I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past month. But instead of a traditional up and down thrill ride, I find myself about to fall from blood-curling heights and from the top, the bottom has no end in sight. It's as if once I go over the edge, I'm just going to continue falling.
What sucks is that I've reached that point of no return, where I'm about to go over the edge, but I've changed my mind and would love to get off. But it is what it is and I find myself strapped and harnessed...there's really nothing no one can do for me because everything has already been set into motion. I'm trying to find the courage before the mighty plunge, but even the nervous giggles are absent and silenced.
I know that I just have to ride it out, but how big of a chicken would I be if I admitted my fear? 'Cuz in all honesty, I am scared...and when it's all over, I'm not so sure that I'll want to go for another ride for a long time...
I normally love roller coaster rides...the anticipation as you slowly creep up the track...that brief second as time seems to stand still when you reach the top and you're left teetering on the brink of going over the edge...and finally being thrown for a loop as you plunge through the g-forces and your stomach makes it way up your throat.
I've never been much of a screamer. For some odd reason, I have the nervous giggles instead. As my body is being thrown this way and that, as I experience a brief moment of no gravity, I find myself clutching the handle bars for dear life and laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps the laughing masks the manic hysteria and probably relieves the stress and fear the ride induces. Either way, it's a rush and a thrill that I most likely would repeat.
But when it comes to personal life situations, the roller coaster rides leave me dizzy, out of breath, and overly anxious. I'm usually left confused and oftentimes, nauseous. There is no comparison to the real rides and there's almost that fear that the ride will somehow continue endlessly, never stopping for you to get off. Having your emotions go through the motions, rising and falling without any control is nerve racking.
I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past month. But instead of a traditional up and down thrill ride, I find myself about to fall from blood-curling heights and from the top, the bottom has no end in sight. It's as if once I go over the edge, I'm just going to continue falling.
What sucks is that I've reached that point of no return, where I'm about to go over the edge, but I've changed my mind and would love to get off. But it is what it is and I find myself strapped and harnessed...there's really nothing no one can do for me because everything has already been set into motion. I'm trying to find the courage before the mighty plunge, but even the nervous giggles are absent and silenced.
I know that I just have to ride it out, but how big of a chicken would I be if I admitted my fear? 'Cuz in all honesty, I am scared...and when it's all over, I'm not so sure that I'll want to go for another ride for a long time...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I Thought About You...
*I almost didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I've been tired of being stuck at home in all of my sickness. Not quite cabin fever, but anywhere outside of my bedroom seemed appealing. The invite was to go into the city...specifically Union Square. Ugh. Honestly, I would've LOVED to go, but man oh man, how I detest driving IN the city! I was weighing the possibilities of going and debating if I should screw the holiday traffic and make a much needed getaway, and then, the option of meeting up and driving together came- hallelujah!
Union Square was pure madness. Last minute shoppers, rebel pedestrians, stupid ass drivers on their cell phones, and streets strewn with mendicants aplenty. Joy! But then, you get a glimpse of the tree at Union Square and the rush and panic of everything is all but forgotten. The tree was so beautiful! Lights on a tree always make me a giddy little kid and for a second, all I could do was stare. I almost wish I had a picture of that...me staring up at the tree! But what made it even more magical was the tiny ice skating rink adjacent to it. It's no New York Central Park, but to be centered among the huge department stores with their Christmas lights and decorations and with holiday music blaring from the speakers? Wow. The night was clear with no rain in sight and the cold temperature was bearable. Aside from marathon time, this was the busiest that I've seen Union Square in a while and although crowds were pressing, people bumping into you left and right, there was a certain magic in the air that night...and I felt it.
I thought about you...because this was the exact place where I wanted to take you. I wanted to walk hand in hand with you among the crowds, take a peek at the huge window displays, grab a cup of hot chocolate, take a picture in front of the tree, and even go ice skating. I thought about you because it was hard not to. Among the people on my list that I would've wanted there with me, you were at the top. But I had fun regardless. Your absence has left empty holes, but I'm slowly beginning to patch those up. I still would've loved to experience Union Square with you on that night...
*When I learned that your mom had passed, I was devastated. A part of me wanted to call you right then and there to see how you were holding up, but I knew that it wasn't my place. You didn't even call me to let me know, but that's okay. It was so great when we reconnected a few years back. It was a relief to put all of the drama behind us, but unfortunately it was short lived. I completely understand why things have to be as they are because priorities change as situations change. I just wanted you to know that I loved your mom very much and I just know that she's up there with your dad smiling down on you now.
*I took I-280 the other day because there was a terrible accident on the 101. I rarely take 280. It's not because I don't enjoy the scenic route- I do! In fact, on this particular drive, even though it was raining and the dark clouds loomed high above me, I found it quite picturesque. It would've made a great Kodak moment. If I'm traveling at night, I don't take 280 simply because I fear that my trusty lil' Honda will break down on me. My '97 Honda Civic has been good to me these past 11 years, but wouldn't it just be my luck that on the evening I decide to take 280 and it being at such a late hour that I'm returning home, there are NO cars on the road but me AND I break down? Nah uh, no thanks, I ain't taking any chances of that. It's already one thing that I'm a scaredy cat of dark places, but man, 280 is HELLA DARK! lol!
BUT, I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic and though it was raining, I took my chances. Thankfully, it wasn't that late and the roads were still full of last minute shoppers. Taking 280 reminded me of you and all I could do was laugh. The time that we spent together seems so insignificant now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a whirlwind. I've rarely thought of you until the other day and sometimes it'll come up in random passing conversations. All I could say is that it was interesting...but as I try and relate my "people come into your life for a reason" to this, I will say that after our meeting- I got to see a lot of beautiful places and from somewhere in there, my inspiration to try a marathon was born. So thank you for that!
*I went to the beach today and I couldn't help but think of you. As I stood by the steps, the rain began to fall. It was a light rain, nothing to deter me from taking a short walk, and all I had to do was pull my hood over my head. I love the smell after a rain because it makes everything seem so new and clean and I found myself taking in a few deep breaths. Everything was so still. There was rarely any wind- to me, it's always the wind that messes up the beauty of a rainfall. I was careful of all of the puddles that had formed earlier, but I couldn't help but stare at how the raindrops fell. It almost felt like an eternity, me standing there and staring at a puddle seeming to grow larger and larger with each drop of water. There weren't many people on the boardwalk and there were only a few cars parked...and here I was walking in the rain...wishing you were with me. It had the potential to be such a romantic moment.
*I'm guessing the weather called for a ditch day at work. The waters were strewn with so many surfers that the black wetsuits created this long line for as far as the eye could see. It's always neat to see so many, all vying for a wave that'll give them that rush they so love. There's always a few that stand out and when your eyes quickly adjust and focus on them, it's easy to follow them in their triumph or their wipeout. There were off-shore winds today and because of the recent storms, the waves were huge! I watched these surfers attempt the huge walls and I loved seeing perfect barrels form. For as long as I've come to the beach, I would always take the time to watch the surfers to their thing. I could sit and listen to the waves crash for hours on end, but then you gave me a lesson on wave watching, sets, white water, duck diving, and everything surfing related...and I saw the ocean with new eyes. I'll always think of you when it comes to surfing, no doubt. And in this season of Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you are well.
*I thought about you today...and I hoped against hope that you'd be there today...but you weren't. You have to know how disappointed I felt. I felt my heart break a little bit tonight. You were supposed to come and surprise me. You were supposed to show up at my door with this huge smile on my face telling me how happy you were to see me...but you didn't. Damn how I hate when my imagination runs away from me like that! Deep down, I knew that you wouldn't make it. It's been too much bombarding and I hate the fact that I've slipped way too many times. During service, my eyes couldn't help but search among the people standing in the back. Would you have come late? I became engrossed in the message that by the time service was over, my heart was ready to burst. I had to walk. I walked over the bridge, past the apartments, all the way down to the lagoon at the recreation center. I'm thinking that perhaps I should've been more cautious...walking in the dark of night on Christmas Eve, streets are empty except for a few passerbys. The parking lot was empty and I made my way to my trusty park bench under the light. It was so peaceful as I looked out on the water. Amid the black of night and unseen water is the lit up tree...just floating in the center of the lagoon. The noiseless night should've creeped me out, but it didn't. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to clear my head of all of the things running around in it. I was feeling so many things at the same time- happy, sad, joyful, lonely, confused, distracted, thankful, resigned, grateful, humbled...I was remembering the words of the pastor and repeating the message over and over in my head...and still, I was not completely comforted. And when that reality struck me, I felt selfish and upset with myself for feeling that way. I thought about what good would've came out of it if you came, besides my own obvious contentment...but I know that you would've come if you wanted. My heart broke a little bit tonight...you have to know that...but if I look at Him and gaze at Him MORE, if I have big faith, then I know that I will be comforted.
*I almost didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I've been tired of being stuck at home in all of my sickness. Not quite cabin fever, but anywhere outside of my bedroom seemed appealing. The invite was to go into the city...specifically Union Square. Ugh. Honestly, I would've LOVED to go, but man oh man, how I detest driving IN the city! I was weighing the possibilities of going and debating if I should screw the holiday traffic and make a much needed getaway, and then, the option of meeting up and driving together came- hallelujah!
Union Square was pure madness. Last minute shoppers, rebel pedestrians, stupid ass drivers on their cell phones, and streets strewn with mendicants aplenty. Joy! But then, you get a glimpse of the tree at Union Square and the rush and panic of everything is all but forgotten. The tree was so beautiful! Lights on a tree always make me a giddy little kid and for a second, all I could do was stare. I almost wish I had a picture of that...me staring up at the tree! But what made it even more magical was the tiny ice skating rink adjacent to it. It's no New York Central Park, but to be centered among the huge department stores with their Christmas lights and decorations and with holiday music blaring from the speakers? Wow. The night was clear with no rain in sight and the cold temperature was bearable. Aside from marathon time, this was the busiest that I've seen Union Square in a while and although crowds were pressing, people bumping into you left and right, there was a certain magic in the air that night...and I felt it.
I thought about you...because this was the exact place where I wanted to take you. I wanted to walk hand in hand with you among the crowds, take a peek at the huge window displays, grab a cup of hot chocolate, take a picture in front of the tree, and even go ice skating. I thought about you because it was hard not to. Among the people on my list that I would've wanted there with me, you were at the top. But I had fun regardless. Your absence has left empty holes, but I'm slowly beginning to patch those up. I still would've loved to experience Union Square with you on that night...
*When I learned that your mom had passed, I was devastated. A part of me wanted to call you right then and there to see how you were holding up, but I knew that it wasn't my place. You didn't even call me to let me know, but that's okay. It was so great when we reconnected a few years back. It was a relief to put all of the drama behind us, but unfortunately it was short lived. I completely understand why things have to be as they are because priorities change as situations change. I just wanted you to know that I loved your mom very much and I just know that she's up there with your dad smiling down on you now.
*I took I-280 the other day because there was a terrible accident on the 101. I rarely take 280. It's not because I don't enjoy the scenic route- I do! In fact, on this particular drive, even though it was raining and the dark clouds loomed high above me, I found it quite picturesque. It would've made a great Kodak moment. If I'm traveling at night, I don't take 280 simply because I fear that my trusty lil' Honda will break down on me. My '97 Honda Civic has been good to me these past 11 years, but wouldn't it just be my luck that on the evening I decide to take 280 and it being at such a late hour that I'm returning home, there are NO cars on the road but me AND I break down? Nah uh, no thanks, I ain't taking any chances of that. It's already one thing that I'm a scaredy cat of dark places, but man, 280 is HELLA DARK! lol!
BUT, I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic and though it was raining, I took my chances. Thankfully, it wasn't that late and the roads were still full of last minute shoppers. Taking 280 reminded me of you and all I could do was laugh. The time that we spent together seems so insignificant now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a whirlwind. I've rarely thought of you until the other day and sometimes it'll come up in random passing conversations. All I could say is that it was interesting...but as I try and relate my "people come into your life for a reason" to this, I will say that after our meeting- I got to see a lot of beautiful places and from somewhere in there, my inspiration to try a marathon was born. So thank you for that!
*I went to the beach today and I couldn't help but think of you. As I stood by the steps, the rain began to fall. It was a light rain, nothing to deter me from taking a short walk, and all I had to do was pull my hood over my head. I love the smell after a rain because it makes everything seem so new and clean and I found myself taking in a few deep breaths. Everything was so still. There was rarely any wind- to me, it's always the wind that messes up the beauty of a rainfall. I was careful of all of the puddles that had formed earlier, but I couldn't help but stare at how the raindrops fell. It almost felt like an eternity, me standing there and staring at a puddle seeming to grow larger and larger with each drop of water. There weren't many people on the boardwalk and there were only a few cars parked...and here I was walking in the rain...wishing you were with me. It had the potential to be such a romantic moment.
*I'm guessing the weather called for a ditch day at work. The waters were strewn with so many surfers that the black wetsuits created this long line for as far as the eye could see. It's always neat to see so many, all vying for a wave that'll give them that rush they so love. There's always a few that stand out and when your eyes quickly adjust and focus on them, it's easy to follow them in their triumph or their wipeout. There were off-shore winds today and because of the recent storms, the waves were huge! I watched these surfers attempt the huge walls and I loved seeing perfect barrels form. For as long as I've come to the beach, I would always take the time to watch the surfers to their thing. I could sit and listen to the waves crash for hours on end, but then you gave me a lesson on wave watching, sets, white water, duck diving, and everything surfing related...and I saw the ocean with new eyes. I'll always think of you when it comes to surfing, no doubt. And in this season of Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you are well.
*I thought about you today...and I hoped against hope that you'd be there today...but you weren't. You have to know how disappointed I felt. I felt my heart break a little bit tonight. You were supposed to come and surprise me. You were supposed to show up at my door with this huge smile on my face telling me how happy you were to see me...but you didn't. Damn how I hate when my imagination runs away from me like that! Deep down, I knew that you wouldn't make it. It's been too much bombarding and I hate the fact that I've slipped way too many times. During service, my eyes couldn't help but search among the people standing in the back. Would you have come late? I became engrossed in the message that by the time service was over, my heart was ready to burst. I had to walk. I walked over the bridge, past the apartments, all the way down to the lagoon at the recreation center. I'm thinking that perhaps I should've been more cautious...walking in the dark of night on Christmas Eve, streets are empty except for a few passerbys. The parking lot was empty and I made my way to my trusty park bench under the light. It was so peaceful as I looked out on the water. Amid the black of night and unseen water is the lit up tree...just floating in the center of the lagoon. The noiseless night should've creeped me out, but it didn't. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to clear my head of all of the things running around in it. I was feeling so many things at the same time- happy, sad, joyful, lonely, confused, distracted, thankful, resigned, grateful, humbled...I was remembering the words of the pastor and repeating the message over and over in my head...and still, I was not completely comforted. And when that reality struck me, I felt selfish and upset with myself for feeling that way. I thought about what good would've came out of it if you came, besides my own obvious contentment...but I know that you would've come if you wanted. My heart broke a little bit tonight...you have to know that...but if I look at Him and gaze at Him MORE, if I have big faith, then I know that I will be comforted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)