The Sun Shines Again...

I was nervous to make the call. I was debating whether or not I should make the call at all. I questioned my intentions and honestly asked myself if I could handle possible disappointment. I could've easily written an email or sent a text, but what I really wanted, more than anything at that moment, was to hear his voice. After a ridiculous and almost hysterical back and forth of "Should I?," I pressed the speed dial number and waited.

I got his voicemail.

In a way, I was hoping for it, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to leave a message. Is it me or do I always sound like a huge dork on answering machines? I didn't realize how nervous I was until my voice somewhat croaked at my hello. Yes, croaked. My message was simple and after I ended my call, I wondered if I talked too fast or if my voice left any indication of my nervousness. I grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed out my frustrations. Don't ever tell me that I am not a courteous neighbor...

At first, I just sat on my couch relieved. It was over. I did it. The ball, as they say, was in his court. But as I settled into the rest of my evening, not five minutes passed when my cell went off with the familiar and specific ring tone...it was him!

I was nervous and fingers trembled. I couldn't open my flip phone the first try! But when I did, I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could, said hi. For the next 10 minutes or so, we talked and we laughed. We updated each other on how our first week of school after vacation went and how relaxing it was to just do nothing for the past two weeks. Ha...I sure did a whole lot of nothing! But anyways...not the point. The point is that we talked...and it was comfortable...it was nice...and it left me giddy. Giddy, as in, it reminded me of when we first started going out. Giddy, as in, I had this huge smile on my face afterwards. Giddy, as in, I could feel the dark cloud slowly disappearing and I hoped that his dark cloud was disappearing, too. It was so wonderful to hear his voice and for me, it was easy to imagine his facial expressions as he talked. I pictured him on the couch with the dog at his feet.

Despite whatever it is that we're going through, the thought of him always makes me smile...and sure enough, I'm really glad I made the call.

Selfish

I feel awful. I've been having these bouts of selfishness lately, but more times than not, I honestly believe that I am entitled.

Wait...that's not right. This will sound insane because whenever I try to convey what's going on in my screwed up head, it never comes out quite right. I'll give it a shot. ----> People are naturally selfish- we can't help it. The difference is the amount of selfishness contained (can't think of a better word at the moment) in each individual. I don't consider myself to be an overly selfish person, but I think that trait is the reason why I find myself in certain compromising situations. It feels wrong to say this, but maybe I'm not selfish enough...

The more that I think about it, it almost sounds like I'm stupid to be selfish and I'm stupid to NOT be selfish. The lines are becoming a bit of a blur. One example that quickly comes to mind is the decision to serve on a mission trip. On one hand, I have this desire to give something back to God. I figure, He took good care of me when I needed Him the most that the least that I could do is to give MY help to someone who needs it. On the other hand, I have this huge fear that something terrible will happen to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to die just yet. But see, the thing is, I should have stronger faith than that in God...

How about when someone shares some life-changing news? I'm easily excitable and I will find myself ecstatic for them, but then it starts to creep up on me and I find myself becoming envious and bitter. Shouldn't I just be happy for them, 'nuff said? I should.

I've been trying to keep myself busy lately...watching my dvr'd shows, surfing the net, catching up with my peoples on facebook, and reading. Notice I didn't mention anything about staying up late correcting papers? I've been having the most difficult time getting back into the routine of school. I've discreetly covered my piles of uncorrected papers with non-school paraphernalia. That way, when my eyes do glance in that direction, I'll be distracted and not give those stacks a second thought that I should go through them. Clever, eh? Lol...pretty stupid, too.

I've been determined to stop myself from dreaming. I find that when I am wiped out and completely exhausted, I have a dreamless sleep. For as long as I can remember, I've been able to recall my dreams, both good and bad, quite vividly. Whatever (or whomever) it is that I am thinking of before I surrender to sleep will somehow continue into my subconsciousness and materialize in my dream. With that said, I've been willing myself to NOT dream. I'm just not in the mood for any more sadness.

Has it worked? Not as much as I'd like. Now that school has been back in session, my body starts to shut down at a certain time. I'm tired, but not tired enough to avoid dreaming. Then, I wake up feeling even more awful than I did before I slept and that, of course, affects my entire morning.

And now, with the insufficient amount of sleep, I can't express myself quite as clearly as I would like. My thoughts are in this huge jumble of a mess and by the time I think I've found the words, the feeling and intensity of what I thought and felt is gone.

I don't know...maybe it's because it's Wednesday. A lot of good things happened on a Wednesday...but a lot of bad things happened on a Wednesday, too. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm ok, but I'm not. I'm so conflicted. Not quite sure what to do...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just be.

The Question Is...

How do you get over the love of your life?

This is something that I've pondered many a sleepless night. I've often mistaken the answer to be found in self-help books and websites. I've probably picked the brain of almost everyone I've known and yet, there was never one answer that was constant in the responses given. I've had mental debates inside my own head for far too long and to be quite honest, I've succeeded in driving myself completely insane. This question has plagued me to the point where it began eating away at my insides. It left this gaping hole in me creating such a hollow emptiness that, at times, made it impossible to breathe and to just be.

I felt that no one understood what I was going through and perhaps, it was partly my fault for not letting anyone in. The only way I could keep my head above water was to write. It became my refuge of sorts. Upon looking back at some of my writings, I almost feel like a stranger intruding on someone's private thoughts...it's difficult to recognize the writer as myself. The pain of those moments come back, but the blows are not as striking as before.

I married the love of my life. To me, he was my dream come true. He was everything that I wanted...and more. I loved that we were partners in crime in all that we did- we made a good team. We clicked in a way that I've never clicked with anyone before. When I was with him, there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him and it seemed like I was on my way.

But the fairytale had to come to an end and as my luck would have it, it was just too good to be true. I didn't doubt that he loved me, but the neverending lies were just too much to bear. I was left with my heart shattered in millions of pieces and for a long time, I was lost. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces...I wasn't even sure that I wanted to. Because it would mean that I would have to start all over again- without him- and I couldn't bear that thought.

How do you get over the love of your life?

There is no one answer to that question, but with having gone through this emotional and psychological debacle firsthand, this is all I could offer. First and foremost, there is a lot of crying involved. A lot. Neverending pools. Rivers. Tidal waves. You get the point. If there aren't any tears, something is wrong. Because when you lose the love of your life, there is a part of you that dies. And with any kind of death, there is this unbearable sadness that overwhelms you. I cried every night for four years...FOUR YEARS. But I did it in secret because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was...I didn't want people to know that I wasn't handling it.

Secondly, you need a support system. This is the one thing that I wish I had when I was in Minnesota. When the opportunity to move to Minnesota came up, I grabbed at it without thinking. At that time, no one knew the depth of our problems and I just wanted to disappear. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle anything with people breathing down my neck...because I knew that everyone would want me to leave...but I seriously believed that I could make it work. I was stupid to believe that I could do it all on my own. I was so lonely out there. I was surrounded by so many good people, all of whom could NOT help me. Phone calls home to family and friends helped, but it wasn't enough. I lost touch with the friends that I loved the most and it hurt that I didn't have them to turn to. Even though I talked to my sister every day, it wasn't the same. Each time I would come to California to visit, there were always tears as I would leave. It was so hard to be away. I didn't have the support system of family and friends...but I did have God. Never in my whole entire life have I turned to Him so often and so urgently. But He helped me...and in my most chaotic times, He helped to calm and quiet me down. He became my support...He became my everything.

Third, you need to separate yourself from the situation. Distance helps. Thousands of miles works. Hell, moving out of state halfway across the country is ideal. If I didn't leave Minnesota, I would still be lost. I HAD to leave...there was no other option. I was dying every day. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make...saying goodbye to him was hard enough...but saying goodbye to him AND the girls who happened to be there for the summer tore my heart out of my chest. There were so many moments when I changed my mind to stay..."I could do this and work through all of this shit," I kept telling myself. But I had reached the breaking point and in order to keep me sane, I had to go.

Lastly, you need to get all of the anger out of your system and forgive. But how do you forgive the one person you vowed to love forever who hurt you in the most painful and terrible way? How do you get past what they did? How do you let it go? I am a dweller. I dwelled A LOT on what happened. I replayed everything in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, but always coming up short. But to this very day, I still have so many unanswered questions. But I finally took a step back, almost like an out-of-body experience, and saw what kind of a person I was becoming. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was sad ALL THE TIME. I had become anti-social and in essence, I became this dark cloud.

There came a point when I just got tired of being that person. Enough was enough. It took so much effort to be angry and bitter...and it took an emotional, psychological, and physical toll on me. I was tired of being unhappy and it was only until I made the decision to stop being that way when everything changed. I saw the light. My head wasn't just bobbing above the water anymore, I was finally out of the deep end. And I realized something else...I felt different. I was different. And it wasn't due to self-help books or other means like that...I was different because of what TIME gave me. With all of the times that I cried, the tears created these callouses to strengthen me up. I began reconnecting with people I lost touch with and that, in itself, gave me some sense of renewal. I missed Minnesota, but was so grateful to be back on the West coast...among family and friends. And lastly, I was able to really forgive ex-hubby for what he did. I hold no ill feelings toward him. I faced the fact that THESE THINGS HAD TO HAPPEN. He came into my life for a reason...and I've no regrets. Once upon a time, I was happy with him. Really happy. But it ended and I had to move on. It took me a while...a long ass while...but I was able to move on.

There is no time limit in dealing with the loss of the love of your life. There is a lot of pain, bitterness, and anger. There is a lot of questioning, doubt, denial, and blame. There's tons and tons of sadness and tears. The one thing that I learned through all of this is that the pain NEVER goes away...it only gets easier to bear with each new day. The loss becomes a battle scar, a reminder that you got wounded, BUT that you survived as well. Sometimes there is this ache that comes when you least expect it...for me, the holidays are the hardest. And February? Well hell, if I could, I'd erase it from my calendar completely. But the hurt is temporary...and it fades in time.

I don't think that you could ever stop loving someone... the love and your need/want/desire of that person somehow changes into something less. When that happens, you're able to let go a little bit more every day. I've never been one to erase someone out of my life forever, but you learn to leave behind the ones that hurt you. And when you do that, you're able to smile a little bit more because you find that you are, indeed, okay and surviving without them. And when you realize that you have survived without them, you see life with different eyes. And when that happens, you realize that there are bigger and better things out there just waiting for you...and perhaps, even someone to love. It takes baby steps to get there, but in the end, you will realize that we all need to take a chance at love again because we all deserve to be happy. We need to leave behind our past hurts and not expect that the same thing will happen as it did once before. You'll never be happy if you don't give yourself the chance to be...and with that, it takes time...so take all the time that you need.

Stay At Home Day

I look out my window and all I see are gray clouds and imminent rain. The ground is wet, but with my still sleepy eyes, I can't determine whether or not it's raining at the moment. The sound of the cars passing on the bridge outside my window consists of loud sloshing on the wet ground. It's deafening and irritating, but at the same time, it could be therapeutically mesmerizing. Not exactly the same effect as listening to waves crashing onto the shore, but the continuous sound could almost put someone to sleep.

The wind is picking up and I only know that because I have these huge trees outside my window. When I was younger, I was terrified of sleeping next to the window, especially if there was a tree close by. All due to a movie that greatly traumamtized me, but which I won't even mention the movie title here..simply because, well, I do have a vivid imagination.

But wait, it's getting a tad brighter in my room. The sun is trying to break through the clouds. I can understand its struggle...it's as if I am trying to break through my own dark clouds and find that silver lining. It would be on the dot to say that I'm beyond sad for so many reasons and that for the moment, I am willing the sun to retract behind the clouds and let the rain come pouring down.

My room is cold. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. The warmth of all the heavy blankets is so inviting that it almost pulls me under. And what perfect timing. For but a second, there is complete silence. No cars passing, no birds chirping, no children laughing or playing...nothing. I want more of that for right now. I'm going back to bed. I'm going to close my eyes and lie very still...and hope that my dreams will be like the falling rain...

2008 and the Year It Was...

New Year's Eve 2008. Already?

Like everyone else and their mama, I've been reflecting on 2008 and the year that it was. I don't recall ever saying this, but it was a GREAT year! Perhaps the past SIX YEARS, (holy crap, am I reading that right?!) was spent being jaded that I never really took the time to see how truly screwed up life had gotten. There were one too many times when I seriously thought I was going mental because of the up and down cycle my life had taken. Six years. Wow.

When I think back on 2008, not everything was all sunshine and flowers...there was, of course, the death of my lolo. The end of school last year couldn't come fast enough and will, no doubt, go into my history book as "the worst school year ever." But despite the heartaches and headaches, there is still so much to be thankful for.

I had always believed that finding love (again) was not in my cards. I definitely had Ally McBeal syndrome. There was a time when I thought I had my chance, but I lost. Game over. I started dating...good Lord...and that, in itself, was an experience. I can't even tell you how many 1st dates I went on, but time and time again, it was the same old shit. Guys desperately looking for one thing and lil' ole me, looking for love. And that is why, after a year of torturing myself with "I wonder if he'll call me..." and "Does he really like me?", I decided to give up on the whole dating thing and call it quits. It was fun while it lasted (which wasn't very long...), but it just wasn't for me.

But, as fate would have it, I went on a date (vowing that it would be my last!). And what a pleasant surprise the Music Maestro was! I was captivated by those gorgeous dimples of his and I was even more taken by his wonderful personality. Falling in love with him was inevitable. He is what made my year...

Last year, I made a list of resolutions and I kept it on my desktop as a reminder. I had 12 things on that list! Highly motivated to have 12? Yah, I sure was! Although I didn't get to all 12, I did manage to complete 7 things. Among the 7 included doing another half marathon, reading and writing more, finding a home church, and finding love again.

I still need to work on my list for 2009, but I already have a good idea what will be on it.

My year comes to a bittersweet end...it is not how I would've dealt the cards, but then again, you make do with the hand dealt to you.

I've said this repeatedly, but I am a believer that all things happen for a reason...we may not understand the "whys" and the "how comes" at the moment, but things get set into motion because they are meant to. It's taken me a while to be patient and to try and understand that fact because while you're feeling like shit and just want to hide under a rock, the forces at work are putting other things into place. And it's when you least expect AND when God thinks it's the right time for it to be so, things happen. It's only after time has passed that we are able to look back and reflect...and we finally come to that understanding that we just couldn't see before.

I'm at that point where I'm asking, "Why God? Why now?" And the funny thing that I picture is God listening and hearing me, shaking His head and saying, "In due time, my child, in due time." The hurts we come across in life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Most times, they happen to make you into a stronger person. The pain helps to mold you for bigger and better things to come. Sometimes people just need to be so broken down that the only way they could go is UP. And when you look up, or when I do, I just want to see his face revealed to me. So one of my resolutions for this year (and thereafter) is to put more of my trust in God...it's not an easy thing, mind you, but that is the desire of my heart. I need to trust that whatever path God has led me to that I'm supposed to travel it for a reason. So many time, though, I just wish I had a map to help lead the way...

Maybe that's why God created music...the music speaks to people differently and the words inspire and touch us in unique ways. It always amazes me when I hear particular songs at particular times...as if God wanted me to hear it when I needed to. If I had the time, I'd list the lyrics to all the songs that have spoken to me recently, but this one speaks the loudest at the moment...
-------------------------------------------------------
Falling On My Knees
by Kokua

Here you'll find me on my knees and I'm broken, every part of me.
I am calling out, "Lord please, come save me. Come and rescue me."

Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.

Here I'm falling on my knees, overtaken by your majesty.
I am humbled by your grace, it surrounds me, overwhelms me.

Here, I stand, I lift my hands and sing to you.
I need more of you, reveal yourself to me.
I lie down, and rest in your peace.
Surrounded by life's uncertainty.
As I learn to surrender all of me.
--------------------------------------------------

I am hopeful for the new year. I've always tried to be the optimistic one. I have so many wishes to wish for people...we all have our own dramas, issues, and heartaches to face and deal with- we all need our time and space- and that time is needed to mold us into the individuals that we are MEANT to be.

*My wish for you is that God heals your heart and that you will finally find the comfort you need to move on...know that love and relationships aren't perfect, but that love IS possible again...understand that you are loved by family, friends, and me...and finally, that each day will make the pain hurt less.

A happy and safe 2009 to you...my ever faithful readers. ;-)
Much love always...

My Roller Coaster Ride

I normally love roller coaster rides...the anticipation as you slowly creep up the track...that brief second as time seems to stand still when you reach the top and you're left teetering on the brink of going over the edge...and finally being thrown for a loop as you plunge through the g-forces and your stomach makes it way up your throat.

I've never been much of a screamer. For some odd reason, I have the nervous giggles instead. As my body is being thrown this way and that, as I experience a brief moment of no gravity, I find myself clutching the handle bars for dear life and laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps the laughing masks the manic hysteria and probably relieves the stress and fear the ride induces. Either way, it's a rush and a thrill that I most likely would repeat.

But when it comes to personal life situations, the roller coaster rides leave me dizzy, out of breath, and overly anxious. I'm usually left confused and oftentimes, nauseous. There is no comparison to the real rides and there's almost that fear that the ride will somehow continue endlessly, never stopping for you to get off. Having your emotions go through the motions, rising and falling without any control is nerve racking.

I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past month. But instead of a traditional up and down thrill ride, I find myself about to fall from blood-curling heights and from the top, the bottom has no end in sight. It's as if once I go over the edge, I'm just going to continue falling.

What sucks is that I've reached that point of no return, where I'm about to go over the edge, but I've changed my mind and would love to get off. But it is what it is and I find myself strapped and harnessed...there's really nothing no one can do for me because everything has already been set into motion. I'm trying to find the courage before the mighty plunge, but even the nervous giggles are absent and silenced.

I know that I just have to ride it out, but how big of a chicken would I be if I admitted my fear? 'Cuz in all honesty, I am scared...and when it's all over, I'm not so sure that I'll want to go for another ride for a long time...

I Thought About You...

*I almost didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I've been tired of being stuck at home in all of my sickness. Not quite cabin fever, but anywhere outside of my bedroom seemed appealing. The invite was to go into the city...specifically Union Square. Ugh. Honestly, I would've LOVED to go, but man oh man, how I detest driving IN the city! I was weighing the possibilities of going and debating if I should screw the holiday traffic and make a much needed getaway, and then, the option of meeting up and driving together came- hallelujah!

Union Square was pure madness. Last minute shoppers, rebel pedestrians, stupid ass drivers on their cell phones, and streets strewn with mendicants aplenty. Joy! But then, you get a glimpse of the tree at Union Square and the rush and panic of everything is all but forgotten. The tree was so beautiful! Lights on a tree always make me a giddy little kid and for a second, all I could do was stare. I almost wish I had a picture of that...me staring up at the tree! But what made it even more magical was the tiny ice skating rink adjacent to it. It's no New York Central Park, but to be centered among the huge department stores with their Christmas lights and decorations and with holiday music blaring from the speakers? Wow. The night was clear with no rain in sight and the cold temperature was bearable. Aside from marathon time, this was the busiest that I've seen Union Square in a while and although crowds were pressing, people bumping into you left and right, there was a certain magic in the air that night...and I felt it.

I thought about you...because this was the exact place where I wanted to take you. I wanted to walk hand in hand with you among the crowds, take a peek at the huge window displays, grab a cup of hot chocolate, take a picture in front of the tree, and even go ice skating. I thought about you because it was hard not to. Among the people on my list that I would've wanted there with me, you were at the top. But I had fun regardless. Your absence has left empty holes, but I'm slowly beginning to patch those up. I still would've loved to experience Union Square with you on that night...

*When I learned that your mom had passed, I was devastated. A part of me wanted to call you right then and there to see how you were holding up, but I knew that it wasn't my place. You didn't even call me to let me know, but that's okay. It was so great when we reconnected a few years back. It was a relief to put all of the drama behind us, but unfortunately it was short lived. I completely understand why things have to be as they are because priorities change as situations change. I just wanted you to know that I loved your mom very much and I just know that she's up there with your dad smiling down on you now.

*I took I-280 the other day because there was a terrible accident on the 101. I rarely take 280. It's not because I don't enjoy the scenic route- I do! In fact, on this particular drive, even though it was raining and the dark clouds loomed high above me, I found it quite picturesque. It would've made a great Kodak moment. If I'm traveling at night, I don't take 280 simply because I fear that my trusty lil' Honda will break down on me. My '97 Honda Civic has been good to me these past 11 years, but wouldn't it just be my luck that on the evening I decide to take 280 and it being at such a late hour that I'm returning home, there are NO cars on the road but me AND I break down? Nah uh, no thanks, I ain't taking any chances of that. It's already one thing that I'm a scaredy cat of dark places, but man, 280 is HELLA DARK! lol!

BUT, I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic and though it was raining, I took my chances. Thankfully, it wasn't that late and the roads were still full of last minute shoppers. Taking 280 reminded me of you and all I could do was laugh. The time that we spent together seems so insignificant now, but at the time, it was somewhat of a whirlwind. I've rarely thought of you until the other day and sometimes it'll come up in random passing conversations. All I could say is that it was interesting...but as I try and relate my "people come into your life for a reason" to this, I will say that after our meeting- I got to see a lot of beautiful places and from somewhere in there, my inspiration to try a marathon was born. So thank you for that!

*I went to the beach today and I couldn't help but think of you. As I stood by the steps, the rain began to fall. It was a light rain, nothing to deter me from taking a short walk, and all I had to do was pull my hood over my head. I love the smell after a rain because it makes everything seem so new and clean and I found myself taking in a few deep breaths. Everything was so still. There was rarely any wind- to me, it's always the wind that messes up the beauty of a rainfall. I was careful of all of the puddles that had formed earlier, but I couldn't help but stare at how the raindrops fell. It almost felt like an eternity, me standing there and staring at a puddle seeming to grow larger and larger with each drop of water. There weren't many people on the boardwalk and there were only a few cars parked...and here I was walking in the rain...wishing you were with me. It had the potential to be such a romantic moment.

*I'm guessing the weather called for a ditch day at work. The waters were strewn with so many surfers that the black wetsuits created this long line for as far as the eye could see. It's always neat to see so many, all vying for a wave that'll give them that rush they so love. There's always a few that stand out and when your eyes quickly adjust and focus on them, it's easy to follow them in their triumph or their wipeout. There were off-shore winds today and because of the recent storms, the waves were huge! I watched these surfers attempt the huge walls and I loved seeing perfect barrels form. For as long as I've come to the beach, I would always take the time to watch the surfers to their thing. I could sit and listen to the waves crash for hours on end, but then you gave me a lesson on wave watching, sets, white water, duck diving, and everything surfing related...and I saw the ocean with new eyes. I'll always think of you when it comes to surfing, no doubt. And in this season of Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you are well.

*I thought about you today...and I hoped against hope that you'd be there today...but you weren't. You have to know how disappointed I felt. I felt my heart break a little bit tonight. You were supposed to come and surprise me. You were supposed to show up at my door with this huge smile on my face telling me how happy you were to see me...but you didn't. Damn how I hate when my imagination runs away from me like that! Deep down, I knew that you wouldn't make it. It's been too much bombarding and I hate the fact that I've slipped way too many times. During service, my eyes couldn't help but search among the people standing in the back. Would you have come late? I became engrossed in the message that by the time service was over, my heart was ready to burst. I had to walk. I walked over the bridge, past the apartments, all the way down to the lagoon at the recreation center. I'm thinking that perhaps I should've been more cautious...walking in the dark of night on Christmas Eve, streets are empty except for a few passerbys. The parking lot was empty and I made my way to my trusty park bench under the light. It was so peaceful as I looked out on the water. Amid the black of night and unseen water is the lit up tree...just floating in the center of the lagoon. The noiseless night should've creeped me out, but it didn't. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to clear my head of all of the things running around in it. I was feeling so many things at the same time- happy, sad, joyful, lonely, confused, distracted, thankful, resigned, grateful, humbled...I was remembering the words of the pastor and repeating the message over and over in my head...and still, I was not completely comforted. And when that reality struck me, I felt selfish and upset with myself for feeling that way. I thought about what good would've came out of it if you came, besides my own obvious contentment...but I know that you would've come if you wanted. My heart broke a little bit tonight...you have to know that...but if I look at Him and gaze at Him MORE, if I have big faith, then I know that I will be comforted.

In Theory

It should be easy, right? You put it on your to-do list and you do it. You set your mark, you aim, and you shoot. You have a plan, you stick to it...and even though you may not agree with it, if it seems like the best that there is at the moment, you go with it.

Easier said than done.

I'm having a really difficult time sticking to what I said I'd do. I've had a track record of being somewhat slow. Even though I KNOW what the right thing to do is, my feelings always get in the way. I was always told to "think with your head," but I always did the opposite and thought with my heart. I mean, I WOULD get it done...it would just take me a little bit longer than some.

I'm having a hard time staying away. It seems silly and juvenile to even complain about it. It's probably annoying because whenever I talk to some friends, it's always about the same old thing. I bitch and bitch and bitch...and there's really nothing that will make me feel better. The Christmas holidays are not making it any easier. I walked around the mall the other day to kill time. Maybe it was just me, but the sight of people holding hands annoyed me. Everything was decorated so beautifully that it should've brightened my spirits...but my inner Scrouge reappeared and all that I saw left me with this bitter after-taste in my mouth. Not even the lights got me excited...and I'm usually easily excitable when it comes to pretty lit up things.

It's jealously. All of the things that leave me feeling bitter is because I'm jealous...straight up. I'm jealous of the people that get to shop because I can't afford to. I'm jealous of the people holding hands with that special someone because I can't. I'm jealous of the people who are SO into the Christmas spirit while I am here anticipating the end of it. I'm jealous of the people that get to spend time with him when I can't even get five minutes. Yes, I am jealous. It bothers me. It bothers me to know that I am jealous...and it sucks.

I should have a better attitude about it all. I mean, it COULD be much worse. There's someone out there who is going through way worse than what I'm going through and hell, I should just be grateful.

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive...maybe it's lack of sleep...maybe it's the effects of Nyquil and Halls cough drops that I've been taking...maybe it's just my over analytical and bored mind...maybe it's just my imagination...maybe, just maybe, it's as clear as day and I am in denial...and maybe I'm just too scared to face the truth...

Is There Such A Thing...

...as being too optimistic?

As long as I can remember, I've always sought out the best scenarios for situations. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't always like this. I mean, we all go through the worst case scenarios in our head growing up. We tend to think that everything that doesn't go our way is the "end of the world." We over dramatize the minor things and without really meaning to, make them major. We believe that we are the only ones to feel what we feel and that no one, absolutely no one, understands us. But then, you get over the drama....or at least, you try...or at least, you'd like to THINK you did, but then again, you could be wrong...then, that would suck...

We all have our issues. We all have our weaknesses. We all have our quirks, endearments, and what have you. I wonder, sometimes, if being too optimistic is simply mere stupidity. I've often heard people confuse the two. But to be quite honest, with all the shit that I've had to go through, to have gone to hell and back, and to have hit the lowest low in my life, there's no other way to go but UP.

Perhaps one problem with my optimism is that I can easily delve into the fantasy. Sometimes, my mind wanders into the "not quite possible" realm. Analytically speaking, maybe that's just a defense mechanism to protect that part of me that is truly insecure by not dealing with the reality of the situation. Call it wishful thinking...call it the heart's desire....call it what you will.

"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"The cup is half full."
"There's a silver lining in every cloud."

The past few weeks have felt like being stuck in my own personal hell. Thanksgiving was painful and with the Christmas holidays just around the corner, I just can't wait for it all to be over. I'm like Scrouge with the "Bah! Humbug!" attitude. It's awful, I know, but I can't help how I feel. In some ways, I feel that it's inevitable for me to go through this freakin' cycle year after year...but the optimistic side of me is saying (brightly), "It's not as bad as last year." "Look at how far I've come." And just when you think you've gone over that hump, you're hit again with yet another inevitability and all of that optimism is out the door. But you know what? I don't like being a downer. Because no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, there's a reason and a purpose behind it all.

"Everything happens for a reason." That's not optimism...that's just what I believe. Because if I don't have even that, I'd be stuck in the "Why me?" scenario all the time.

So here I am, "Bah! Humbug!" attitude, secretly, but not so secretly, depressed, confused, and sad.....and unbelievably busy preparing for the 3rd Grade Christmas program. I've rehearsed with the drama kids...I practically know the dialogue line by line...and I've been practicing the hand motions to the songs I will be leading. We have stressed the true meaning of Christmas to the children as we do year after year and celebrating the birth of Jesus is simply one of the best things to ever happen. But it wasn't until the other day that one of the songs that the children have been singing repeatedly hit me...it might as well have slapped me across the face because the message is loud and clear. When all seems lost, we should never forget that there is hope.

"When the mountains seem too high
And the rivers way too wide
There's a hand that is waiting
To lead you to the other side.
Never forget there is hope. Never forget there is hope.”

So the Christmas program was the other day...and the kids did such an awesome job! I am so very proud of them. Even though I knew he wouldn't be there, I secretly wished that he was. I wanted him to see "my world," so to speak. After the show, it was nonstop craziness- rejoicing with the kids, gathering costumes, greeting the parents, taking pictures, and finally seeing all of my students off. It was such a high and a great way to see all of our hard work pay off. I didn't go home right away; rather, I stopped by the lagoon near my place.

I needed the quiet...I needed the solitude. I just needed to breathe...and to think.

With all the busyness of the past few weeks, my ears have been closed. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I subscribe to a daily Bible verse and wouldn't you know it? Every day for the past week, each verse had something to do with hope. I haven't been listening, but it's as if God has been sending me a message to 'keep hope alive.' Cheesy, I know. But see, I believe in all of that and I honest to goodness believe that the song that the kids sang ("Never Forget There is Hope") and all of these Bible verses were coming at me at a time when I really needed to hear it the most. God is so awesome in that way...

Back to the question of being too optimistic...is there such a thing? I mean, people go through crap all the time...just today, I found out that my car was egged...EGGED!Who does that shit anymore? But hey, my Honda was in dire need of a car wash anyways...

I believe that everything happens for a reason...and yet, going through shit doesn't hurt any less knowing and believing that fact. I get it, though...we all need time and space to sort things through within ourselves...and we can't put a timeline on those kinds of things. Sometimes it's easier to be surrounded by a support system and sometimes, it's just something we have to do on our own.

"After a storm, there's always a rainbow." I will continue to keep hoping for better days ahead...

Just My Imagination

I dropped it off this morning...and my imagination ran away with me. I swear, sometimes I think way too much for my own good! Only one scenario truly took place, but for all I know, any one of these could've been possible.

I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing my body across the top, just to get one more glimpse. He cocks his head towards me as I call out his name and for that brief moment, I imagine that he says to himself, "Where have you been, my lady? I've missed you!" He runs directly up to the fence and I can no longer see him...but as I leave, I tell him that I"ll miss him and that I hope to see him soon. I get back into my car and as I back out of the driveway, I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll be a while. I take my time pulling away...it's early, no one is up, and yet, I know you're not there...and that's why I came.

I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. My heart literally stops because of the car I just pulled up next to. It has out-of-state plates and it doesn't take a genius to know to whom it belongs to. I should've known. I quickly walk up the path up to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sounds of dogtags jingling, but before I know it, I hear a voice that calls out, "What is it, boy? Is someone there?" The voice is unfamiliar and yet, I have no doubt who it is. My heart starts beating faster and I know that I cannot escape fast enough. I take my package and leave it by the front door, but before I could take another step, the fence door opens up and she's there. In that moment, we are locked frozen in place, and all I could do was stare. It's different to finally see her in person and I know that she is thinking the exact same thing. Before I could speak, she tells me that you're not there, but surprisingly, it's not said in any condescending or arrogant manner. I tell her that I know and that's why I came. I'm still shocked and surprised, but when I find my voice again, I calmly ask her if she could please make sure you get the package. I tell her that I would really appreciate it if she could do this one thing. She agrees and I hand it to her. I start walking back down the path, but I turn to face her, knowing that she is still watching. Without any hint of anger, bitterness, or righteousness on my part, I simply say, "Just be careful with his heart this time." I've said what I needed to say and I leave. I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I take one more look at the house and I do my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be the last time I see it. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling in my eyes...and as I pull away, I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.

I pull into the driveway and leave the engine running. I quickly walk up the path to your front door and for a second, I pause. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling just over the fence coming towards me. I can't help myself and I lean against the fence, practically throwing myself across the top, just to get one more glimpse. Just as I do, I am face to face with your son, and we both yell out in surprise. "What the...?" "Sorry dude, I didn't know you were home," I say. As he pushes the fence door open, he asks, "Why didn't you just use the key?" When we are standing face to face, I have a hard time breathing, but I calmly tell him that I no longer have it. He notices me holding a package. He alternates looking at the package and my eyes, back at the package, and back to my eyes again. He asks me the ultimate question and I chuckle because he had it all wrong. In fact, it was the other way around. He looks confused and there's a sadness in his eyes. I can't bear it any longer. I tell him that I have to go, but to please make sure you get the package. As I turn to walk away, he calls out my name and asks me to stay. "Stay until he gets back so you guys can talk." "I wish I could...I want nothing else," I tell him, but I know that your mind has been made up and you'd probably be upset to find me there. I'm torn because in moments like these, it's never just the two people involved that are affected, it's everyone around. I take a step closer to him and ask if you're okay. He says he's not sure...he hasn't noticed anything unusual other than that you were tired. His answer does not surprise me. "Just stay...c'mon. We can play a game of chess while we're waiting..." I laugh and I smile...I tell him that I can't, but before I turn to go, I give him a hug. "I'll miss you," I tell him. "Do me a favor and take care of him, okay?" He nods, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "I will." As I walk down the path towards my car, he calls out my name. "Yeah?" I reply. He says, "I'll miss you, too." I get back into my car and back out slowly down the driveway. I look back and he's still standing there holding onto the dog. I try my best to visually take a picture and store it in my head. It'll probably be a while, but I hope and pray that it won't be too long until I see them again. I roll down my window to clear my senses and to fight the tears welling up in my eyes. As I drive away, he waves and I wave back. I hear the sound of dogtags jingling in the distance and I pause until I can hear them no more.

My Favorite Story of All...12/6/08

I looked over and you weren't there...and in a blink of an eye, I was in tears.

You are the first thought when I wake in the morning and you're usually the last thought before I sleep...but knowing that I can't hold you close to me, knowing that I can't wrap my arms around your warm body and feel you breathe against me kills me.

I miss holding your hand...feeling your big, strong hands take hold of mine, almost protectively, and feeling our fingers intertwine in such a natural way as if my hand was meant to be in yours. There's a moment when we are walking and when your left hand instinctively reaches out for mine...it's left in midair for about a second just waiting for my hand to go to its rightful place. That brief second never fails to give me this giddy feeling because whether or not you do it out of habit, it's MY hand that you're reaching and wanting to hold.

I looked over to where you should've been...and you weren't there.

My heart is aching something fierce and it makes it hard to breathe. I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. It almost seems like a dream...as if later on in the day, I'm going to pack a bag and head over to your place for the weekend. The reality has hit me, but it hasn't sunk in completely. It just hurts so much...and the pain is something I haven't felt in a long time...because it's been a really long time since I've felt this strongly about someone.

I've been told that I fall too easily in love and in some ways, I can admit that and see that about myself. But while I fall in love with the idea of falling in love, I do not give my heart away so freely. I did that once before only to have it broken time and time again. It's been broken, bruised, and trampled on and it took a long time to heal...but it did...and I've learned. It made me stronger and because of that, I know that my heart is able to withstand tough times.

I want to be "that girl" for you...because to me, you're not just "some guy." You ARE that guy.

I had a gut feeling about what would happen and it did. But my other gut feeling is that this is NOT the end of us. We've hit a bump in the road is all it is. The rest of our story is not yet written...but the chapters to follow after this writer's block are filled with moments to lift your heart in happiness. I'm willing to put the book aside on the nightstand for a bit...but know that I can't wait to start the story all over again. You've been my favorite story of all...

Gut Feelings...part 2

All I have to say is this: never underestimate the power of the gut feeling. In my case, almost always, the things that I "feel" comes true. Normally, my ESP mode kicks in at least once a day about totally random things...but then, there are days when I just KNOW that something unpleasant and dreadful is going to happen and it does. I was hoping against hope that my latest gut feeling would be nothing...but as it turns out, I was right on the button.

It hurts like hell...but doesn't it always when your heart breaks?

My Gut Feeling

I can't shake it. My mind is jumbled and my heart is racing a million times a second. My body is tense and my stomach is in knots. I have goosebumps and my hands need some warming up. I can't put my finger on it, although I have a good idea on what is making me feel ill all over. And I do feel ill due to nervous nausea and so I chew some gum abnormally fast to get that jittery feeling out. I hate this feeling...this feeling of dread and unease...the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

I had the nightmare again this morning. The same one where something, an unseen force, is pinning me down and I am frozen in fear. No words escape my mouth. I struggle in this physical match that I know I will lose each time...and when I wake, my body is sore. I woke up afraid, and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, my eyes played tricks on me. With every effort, I turned on the bedside lamp and stared at the ceiling as I waited for my heart to stop pounding in my ears. I could slowly feel the paralysis in my legs disappear and regain circulation. I was scared...but even moreso, I was angry. Why was I having this dream again? What does it mean?

So many things have been on my mind this past Thanksgiving weekend...some, probably unnecessary; others, maybe downright deserved. It comes down to one thing and that is not knowing. It's a feeling of insecurity that feels warranted by one fact too many. Inadequacy follows with self-doubt and now, you're just one shitty mess.

But why this nightmare? Why now? Why when the last time they kept recurring had to do with my relationship with the ex-hubby. What the hell does it mean? Or maybe it really doesn't mean anything at all and I am making myself mentally crazy.

Or maybe the damn fumes of the hair coloring is affecting my thinking and my sense of reality? Wtf? Whatever the case, I don't mess with gut feelings...because in the past, I've usually been right. Let's hope that this is some stupid coincidence and that maybe I'm really not in touch with that sixth sense as much as I'd believe.

I can't breathe...this bites...

He Knew...

...that I had to hear the message today. He knew that I would have a hard time getting out of bed because I've only had x-amount of sleep last night. He knew that the reason I couldn't sleep was because of all the things swirling around in my head. He knew how I was feeling...and He wanted me to be okay. And He knew that I would make it to service today.

He knew.

I had a rough night. I've still been feeling the effects of watching the midnight showing of "Twilight" and I've yet to catch up on good, uninterrupted sleep. Saturday was busy- had a first birthday party to attend and then to a performance in Oakland. In so many ways, I've remained "bothered" by other things...nakaka inis sa kanya for reals...and then I wasn't able to get a hold of him, which bugged me. But I decided to make the best of my Saturday evening regardless, yet ended up being on Facebook for hours! I finally logged off (for a bit) and decided to tackle some other unpacking. More specifically, I have this bin full of dvds and books. In fact, I've got boxes full of dvds and books that are just screaming to be taken out, but poor kawawa books have no place to go. I told myself that I would invest in some cool shelves or bookcases...maybe next month.

As I dug deeper into this bin, there it was. I must have known it was there all this time and yet, it was one of those things where I had made myself conveniently forget. Why I decided to pull it out is beyond me. What the f was i thinking...

I got up this morning, not because I wanted to, but because my room had gotten so bright. I had to drag my body out of bed and already, I was debating whether or not I should go to church. I didn't have the energy. But as I made my lil' trek across the bridge, something told me that it was a good thing I was going. Something...

Right off the bat, the praise and worship songs hit me. They spoke straight to my heart and I couldn't help but be filled with all this emotion. And of course, the harder it is to keep it in, the more it wants to flow, right? There was no usual praise band; rather, it was all an acoustic set. As we settled into the service, I took a peek at the program and what the message would focus on today: divorce.

Wow. I stepped into that one. Before the pastor began his talk, there was a brief drama presentation. Two women, one sharing how she is going to join "the club" and the other one sharing about her latest date.

The Club.

Y'know, there's always been something or other that I've wanted to be a part of...but THIS club? The DIVORCE club? No...never in a million years.

The drama went on quite painfully (for me) because I knew exactly what they were talking about. I saw myself in them and I remembered the heartache all over again. Don't get me wrong...I'm okay. It's been over a year since the big D has been finalized...and it's not that I miss him in that way. I don't have any ill will towards him (anymore) and I say this with all sincerity, I wish ex-hubby well. I really do. But the fact that I was so bothered...that so many emotions welled up inside of me during that mini-drama...bothered me even more.

I know we all have our issues...and it got me wondering if I have truly dealt with mine. It's no secret, but when I was in Minnesota, there were times where I seriously thought I was off my rocker...I thought I was losing it, big time. I thought about therapists...I knew I needed help with my depression and confusion...but I left and came home.

It's been more than 3 years since I've left MN...I miss it sometimes. I miss Woodbury, Minnesota...I miss the great people I met...hell, right now, I'm missing the winter and the snow. After having a white Christmas, Christmas will never be the same again. It was, and always will be, a part of my life. Aside from all of the shit going on in the marriage, I wasn't completely miserable there.

But as I sat through service, a deep knot sat in my stomach...I felt like I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't wait to go home so I could just cry. Just makes you feel better sometimes, right? I felt angry and sad at the same time. Again, it's not that I miss him...but as my sis said, it'll always be there...that part of my life, that is. A friend of mine explained that my marriage/divorce is like a scar...it's healed, but it's definitely left a mark.

I have moved on...happily so. And no, it's not just because I've met an incredible guy. It's because I chose to forgive him and let him go. I held on for too long and my decision to do so hurt me in the end.

Perhaps going to church hit a sore spot had a lot to do with what I found in that bin...all of the letters he ever wrote me. As I stared at the pile, surprised, I noticed a picture sticking out. Curiousity got the better of me...it was a group picture of him, his three daughters, and me...a remembrance of my last summer in MN and of the last visit I had with the girls.

Maybe it doesn't help that everyone is at that point having babies...and I remember at the time that I would've been content being a stepmom to these three girls...I WANTED to be.

Issues, right? Hahaha...I know, I know. Everything happens for a reason...I won't be a hypocrite to the very thing that I believe in, but man, I really miss them. I really would embrace the opportunity to be a mom one day, but ask me at this moment and I'll tell you that it's not in my future...or, I don't think it is. On some days, that reality saddens me...but other days, I am satisfied making it to where I am right now.

Divorce is a bitch...straight up. It's not a club that I'd want anyone to join...and if they did, it's not something to rejoice about. Yes, there is relief to a point, but the reality of how much your life changes is no joke. I do believe that getting a divorce was the BEST thing for me...and I am so much happier. But with any injury that's healed, there will be aches and pains sometimes. Sometimes, you can't quite place the pain and yet, it's there. I guess that's how the past few weeks have been. The music maestro calls is the holiday blues and I agree.

It amazes me how God always knows how to tell you what you need to hear at any particular time. Time is the great healer...and the people in your life are a great comfort, too.

On this Thanksgiving, even tho I opt to spend it all on my own, I truly am thankful...for all of the good and all of the bad.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 states: "Rejoice always, pray continually, and thank God in all circumstances..."

All circumstances...it's hard, but that's what He wants us to do. There's a lesson in everything, isn't there? We all have our good days and bad days...and sometimes, we have more of the other than we'd like...but it's necessary.

One of the messages from the mini-drama that they were trying to convey was that we all have issues...but that we need to truly deal with them before moving on; else, they will manifest themselves into the next relationship. I am confident enough to say that I've learned my lesson and there is no way in hell that I am going to have a repeat episode. Once you've been hurt, you're always cautious...but you still have to take chances in love...and I'd like to think I've found love again. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't worry about years from now...I will just concentrate on the right now. Because the "right now" feels right...

I Slipped...

...and had a moment of weakness. Not only did I think about him, but I allowed myself to feel angry with him all over again, but not for reasons that you think.

Someone had to be blamed for what I was feeling...and so I blamed him.

In case you haven't heard or in the event that you're not a fan of "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer, the movie release is a week away. Did ya'll read about that chaotic hubbub at Stonestown Mall? Yours truly was in the midst of it all...lol! Okay, I take that back, I was in the midst of the crazy, screaming, teenage girls whom I ENVIED because they were able to meet lead character, Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward), and I was not. Boo.

Yes, yes, I AM one of those star-crazy fans, but you won't find me screaming, fainting, and fighting my way through just to see him. I am NOT a stalker! lol! BUT, I did try to stand in the line to get bracelets in the early morning hours...me, a bunch of hyperactive and angsty teens, and their parents. In line, a mom asked me, "Are you line for your daughter?" Sheepishly, I answered, "No actually, I'm in line for ME." That totally sparked a conversation and there was a moment where I looked around and thought, "I am way too old for this!"

But as the excitement ended as the police barked orders at us to "leave the premises, the event has been cancelled," I looked at the faces of so many disappointed fans. Some came from all over the Bay Area; others even came from out of state. This is when I noticed all these kids leaving with their parents and I thought about how that one lady asked if I was here for my daughter. Of course I wasn't...but I could've been.

I thought of his oldest daughter, who is currently in her second year of college, and realized that this is exactly the kind of thing we could've done together. Before I even met her, I knew that she was already an avid reader. In so many ways, she reminded me of myself, except that she was way more studious and talented. I remember the day that I met her and her sister...I was so nervous! I wanted so much for them to like me and accept me. But I would later find that it took no effort to get to know these girls...it was almost as if we knew each other for years. I loved the fact that I shared a love of books with the oldest...that was my connection! I would recommend books and authors, we would discuss stories, and when we did, it wasn't a "daughter/stepmother" relationship; rather, it was more like a friend relationship. I couldn't ask for anything better. The only time I "felt" like a stepmom was with the youngest, who was 6 or 7 at the time. Oh, and when I ran across their blogs, I recall getting that warm fuzzy feeling inside when I read that "Myra is an uber cool stepmom." Wow. I would never have thought...

So I thought about her, our shared love of books, and how if things were different, I probably WOULD have stayed in line for her. Not sure if she is actually into this vampire lovestory series, but knowing how she's just as a romantic as me, I'm almost positive that she is....although she probably would say that her loyalties will ALWAYS be for the Harry Potter series! lol! I pondered on this whole situation and I got upset...then I got bitter...and then, I put the blame on him.

I blamed him because he took that opportunity away from me. I blamed him because he ruined everything. I blamed him because he jeopardized the great connection I had with his children...and as much as I love them, I can no longer be a part of their lives as I had hoped.

The angry feeling festered even more when I returned to the mall later that evening. I watched as teens were escorted into Hot Topic for the autograph signing...and I watched as they giddily came out and ran into the arms of their waiting moms. It was a moment that I wanted...

On the drive home to Foster City, the anger and frustration passed. I knew that it wasn't worth the time or energy...and I had promised myself a long time ago that I would not allow myself to be sucked back into that dark place of anger and bitterness over him.

I have moved on and I am happy. I will always miss those girls. When people ask me if I had children from my marriage, I do tell them that I had three stepdaughters. I love them as if they were my own and I know I always will.

I Will Never Be Alone

I subscribe to a daily Bible verse via KLOVE.com. If there's one thing that I really miss about living in Minnesota, it was the fact that there were so many Christian radio stations out there. I loved the fact that the midwest was so God-friendly, unlike the Bay Area. On KLOVE.com, there are plenty of resources and sites that you can browse...and if you've got satellite radio, you can tune in to the latest Christian pop/alternative songs. So I get an email everyday with a new Bible verse. Sometimes, I'll open my email, read the verse, and move on; other times, there will be days where a particular verse speaks to me and compels me to grab my Bible and read the entire passage.

I just read over my posts for the past few days...and nothing much has changed. With this rainy weather we've been hit with, it matches my mood. I'm actually glad that my cousin/roomie spends a lot of time with her man because I get the apartment to myself...lol...no one to hear me bitch and complain.

Today's verse is Psalm 42:11.

It amazes me how God speaks to us...even though I know He is all-knowing and all-powerful, His timing never ceases to amaze me. He knows the exact time you need to experience, feel, and hear something. He knows what our limit is and He doesn't give us what we cannot handle. If He brings us TO it, He will bring us THROUGH it. Even if those tough times span years, He is molding us in that way for a reason only known to Him. I know why I feel the way I feel...and at the same time, I don't know. It's crazy, right? But man...we all tend to forget that He's there for us...and we all need reminding from time to time that we are not alone.

So thank you, God, for this day. Even though I categorize it as a nightmare of a day with a thumbs down, I know that there is a purpose to all of this madness. And with regards to the other "stuff" (...eeek...banned word for my 3rd graders....) that's driving my insanity, I will take a moment to breathe and not worry. Because no matter what the outcome may be, whether it is to my liking or not, I know that I will be able to handle it because of you.

Still looking for my chi...*hoo-sa*...

Bitch Mode

I won't apologize for feeling so bitchy...a woman should be entitled to a free pass on days that feel like shit, right? And it ain't even about the monthly friend, either.

I don't normally feel entitled to much really...I'd like to think that I'm pretty humble about most things. But, for example, I DO expect a simple 'thank you' when I give you something...or an 'excuse me' when you accidentally bump me. These aren't even about being entitled...we're talking courtesy here!

I believe that everyone deserves some happiness...I mean, why not? I'm going to sound downright selfish right now, but I don't freakin' care at the moment. Is it so wrong to want to be wanted? It sucks ass when you extend your hand and go out of your way to do something for someone and then you get nothing in return. Not that you were doing this thing in the first place to get recognition or anything like that...but an acknowledgment might be nice. Or is it because it's a known good that you're dependable and just that type of person who will make the effort no matter what just because? Not saying that you're a pushover...but then, people get so used to you being so agreeable about things that they unknowingly take you for granted.

I'm having this bout of neuroticism where my thoughts are racing against my feelings. For example, my current bitchy state is being internally analyzed and my head is trying to figure out what is making me feel this way, how it looks to other people, and how it can be misinterpreted. A part of me will realize that this state of discontent is unnecessary and yet, the physical responses of unease, irritation, and whatnot have not had time to process completely. It doesn't make sense as I read that back, but in my head it does. Then there is that moment when the feelings and reactions run parallel and I find myself crying for no reason that I can explain. All I know is what I feel at that moment and the better part of it is frustration due to the fact that no one, in my opinion, understands. It's times like these when I feel like I am going insane.

Here's another area that feeds my insanity...not knowing. I'm sure we've all had our anxiety about the future, but what I'm talking about is different. I'm talking about being part of something, something exciting and new, something that you invest a lot of your time and yourself in, and yet, there's that unknowing feeling of whether or not it's real, worth it, and/or mutual. I mean, I've gotten to that point in my life where I think it IS all worth it in the end because all things happen for a reason. But how sucky would it be if the other involved parties didn't feel the same way? Got bored? Decided to invest in something else?

The easiest thing here would be to simply ask and inquire. That's the dude solution. Ha. Then's there's living in my world. I don't expect anyone to read my mind, but after a while, you tend to know a person and how they are. If, for example, you know that it's the little things that count, then by golly, wouldn't you want to make sure that those little things get done? It sounds petty, right? How about we all save each other some time and just throw me a bone....

My problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Y'all would've thought that I learned from prior experience to be more cautious with my feelings...and to be honest, I feel like I have. But when you see something worth it, you go for it, right? Because so much time has passed and so much shit has gone down that when the opportunity presents itself, you need to grab hold of it. I get that there are logical explanations for everything...I'm not dense, I'm not stupid, I understand. But maybe my other problem is that I've gotten into the habit of being sensitive to other people's situations that when it comes to ME, I want the same courtesy...and when I don't get it, that's when bitch mode goes into high gear.

Here's another problem among my many...because of my aforementioned neuroticism, sometimes I have a difficult time letting people in on my pain. I would almost rather keep it inside so I can "deal" with it ('cuz remember, it's really not a big thing...). It's not that serious...no worries about me being a walking timebomb of drama. I think that I've gotten used to not having a support system of sorts that really, I can just deal. I've been told that I am good at hiding behind my smile and I guess there is some truth in that. I guess when all that shit is swirling around in your head, I can't do much but smile....lol...is that what it feels like to be high? Not that I would know...

Anyways...this post has gone on for far too long...I've long forgotten what my original intention was, even when it did start off as a bitching session. I'm going through some stuff right now that I wish people could see off the bat 'cuz I honestly don't have the energy to sit down and explain it all. But then again, it's all minor and petty stuff that won't really matter in the end. I just gotta suck it up is all...so enough is enough. Give me a few days and I'll be good. Peace.

A Walk To Remember

It never fails. Each and every single time I watch this movie, there's this tug on my heart and the tears find a way to flow. I've seen this flick enough times to know the dialogue and which songs go with which scene. It wasn't a major blockbuster, but nevertheless, it is still one of my favorite movies...not surprisingly so, the book is among my top faves as well.

So many messages spoke to me tonight, but it always comes down to what our purpose here on earth was. There's the scene when Jamie is in the hospital and she is telling Landon about an epiphany she had...she believes that Landon was sent to her so that he could help her through her sickness. I've always been a believer that each and every person that comes into our lives come into our lives for a reason. These people may leave a huge impact on you or not; either way, their place in your world didn't happen by chance.

I thought of the ex while I watched. I recall a distinct conversation where I had my own revelation of sorts. After beating myself up over and over again about my shitty situation, I came to the realization that perhaps I was sent into his life in order to help him restore his family relationships. From what he told me, his relationship with his dad was beyond repair and his relationship with his children was bare minimum. No doubt that ex-husband dude had/has his issues, but in many ways, I feel that I had a part in helping him fix what was broken. But you have to turn it around, too...what was HIS part in MY life?

My conclusion is this: I HAD to go through a rough marriage, I HAD to move away from my family & friends, I HAD to experience life in Minnesota, I HAD to be where I was IN ORDER to find Christ. Plain and simple. If it wasn't for ex-husband dude, my faith wouldn't be as strong and I wouldn't feel as convicted about Christ as I do today.

Also, I honestly believe that I had to be broken down, hurt, and lied to IN ORDER to become stronger AND so that when I DID find love again, it would be the real deal. It's as if I was given 8 years of crap IN ORDER for me to enjoy what is yet to come. Of course life ain't perfect and I'm probably in for a few more curve balls in life, but still, I am a better person because of it all.

Hah...all this from watching a movie, eh?

It's a Reality...

...when people disappoint you, isn't it? I'm not here to play the blame game, but it's funny what a "friend request" on Facebook can do...well, to me anyways.

It was a domino effect of sorts that somehow led me back down a road that I was glad to have left behind. The connection shook me to the core and that infuriated me.

I can't quite explain it and I'd rather not dwell on it more than I already have. All I know is that I hated feeling what I did. You have certain expectations of people and you count on them to follow through. There's that assumption that they will do what you do for them...but that ain't always the case. My problem is that I assumed...and well, we all know what they say about assumptions, right? I walked right into that one.

Maybe I've been spoiled by my string of good luck? Maybe my luck has run out?

Some people say that they always expect the worst to happen...so that when it does, they are not disappointed. But I don't operate that way. I generally see things in a different light where things can always get better. Too naieve? Maybe. Too optimistic? Perhaps. Too trusting of the situation? Most definitely. And that's where it comes back to bite me in the ass...but in my world, how's how I operate.

So when disappointment comes, it doesn't just come...it hits in threes. What's with that number anyways? And usually the biggest disappointments come from the ones that we love the most, isn't it?

Gosh, it feels like I haven't written in so long...I feel rusty. Not that I ever considered myself to be a great writer, but still. I used to write a lot because putting pen to paper offered me solace in times when I felt completely abandoned. I wrote when I had no one to turn to and wow, to feel that now, even in the most minute way, sucks. The feeling will go away, I imagine, but in the meantime, these are the words that came forth outta nowhere...it's all random to me, jumbled thought not making much sense in parts, but laying it all down the way I see it. I don't know...just thought I'd share.


Tell me that I'm not doomed to have the past repeat itself.
I am 100% completely over him and yet, I am still haunted by him.
That reconnected link to him shook me...even scared me...
As if a friend request would somehow lead him to me to...
To what? Find me? Hurt me?

I don't doubt that he's moved on and he knows I have done the same.
I am content where life has taken me and I am happy...finally.
I have not dwelled on the past nor do I have the desire or need to
But it somehow goes back to the unknowing and uncertainty that I sometimes feel.
I hated that moment of doubt and for that brief period, that ugly suspecting part of me returned.
It took all ounces of energy to tear it away...because I knew if I didn't,
It would mean a revisit to that part of me that should never have existed in the first place.

I blame it all on him.
He was the only one to totally incapacitate my ability to trust.
I made myself vulnerable to him time and time again...
And time and time again, he hurt me with his lies.
He took that dagger and stabbed me deeper and deeper than the first
Never really understanding that a part of me died every single time.
Yet, I blamed myself because I allowed him to hurt me...I allowed it.

But in time, I eventually found a way to live and breathe again.

I often wonder if some things are too good to be true-
Or will I suddenly wake from this dream to find that I am stuck in some god-awful nightmare?

I wonder if I'll ever get that fairytale ending I feel I deserve-
Or is it just that...a fantasy?

Is the happiness I feel the real deal or just a temporary thing?
Because I want this...more than I've ever wanted anything before.

Santa Cruz Boardwalk

Okay...I said that I'd give a lil' update of how our day at the boardwalk went...I won't be lame and say, "Just check my Facebook!"...or "FB" as it is commonly called...

We got to the boardwalk about noon and to my disappointment, the weather was very San Francisco. It was overcast with no sun in sight. Coming from the South Bay, we were decked out in shorts and flip flops. Fortunately, it did start to heat up and eventually, we were able to enjoy some sun on the beach. Because it was a weekend, there were lots of folks already there trying to secure their spots on the beach. People were pitching tents and canopies, laying blankets and sleeping bags, and shedding clothes left and right! I was telling the Music Maestro that I like checking out the different tattoo designs people mark themselves up with...and no, that is NOT an excuse to say that I'm checking someone out- lol! Seriously...tatt choices intrigue me because it says a lot about the person...in my opinion anyways. And then I always tend to gross out at the muscle-type-too-much-steroids guys...there's just something about veins that look like they're about to explode that is so not appealing.

Being at the boardwalk, one can't NOT go on the rides, right? We only went on a few...namely, the Giant Dipper, the Hurricane, and the Bumper Cars. We also hung out at the arcade where the Kaldy boys played a seriously intense game of Air Hockey...the Music Maestro's face had a look that said, "I will NOT be beat by my kid!" Lol! And did he win? According to the (broken)scoreboard, no...but with a little blocking of the goal, yes. Ha!

For me, the boardwalk experience is not complete without some churros...and for the Music Maestro, it would be his two pounds of salt water taffy...TWO POUNDS! Afterwards, the three of us chilled at the beach for a bit before heading back home. Overall, 'twas a fun-filled day hanging out with the boys...and just a great way to spend the last weekend before the start of school.

Hangin' with the Boys...



A beautiful day at the boardwalk...


Music Maestro and son


MnM and the Music Maestro