Get Plugged

Ya'll may already be in the know about the following people and their sites, but I just wanted to put a plug here in my blog about them.

The first is Happyslip.com. This Christine chick from New York is a production of one (camera, acting, editing, writing, singing) - she puts together these H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S videos on YouTube and unlike some of the people just wanting to get some free airtime, hers are actually good! I'm not sure whether this Pinay sista is serious about pursuing comedy or what, but this video venture of hers is definitely an outlet for her creativity. She's got a collection of videos to her name and I kid you not, they are ALL worth watching. For those of us born and raised here in the U.S., I can safely say that our Filipino accents can be totally faked, yah? But Happyslip chick? She SO has it down! (and her impersonations of her mom are hold-your-tummy-from-too-much-laughing funny...) If you go through her vids, she does make a point to say that she ain't trying to make fun of the accent or her family members, etc; rather, it's to show the many daily goings-on of what happens on a typical day. For you computer geeks out there, I thought you might enjoy this...and if you're a James Blunt fan, you'll dig this, too.


Two words: hella talented.

Also gotta mention Josh Verdes. Came across this Pinoy brother from a Happyslip production! He is on the up-and-up, trying to get a cd of his music out, but on his website, you can hear a few of his very own original songs. He plays acoustic guitar as well as the electric, and I guess you can say that I was totally drawn to him because yours truly has been venturing in teaching herself how to play. (Quick sidenote- I bought an acoustic guitar for $100 back in '99...fiddled with it back and forth for a bit, but when I moved to MN, left it behind....hold up, did I tell this story already??? Aiya...anyways, fast forward to today, I've been inspired (again!). I've already developed some nasty calluses on my fingers, but I am far from mastering the finger flexibility thing...me and my short fingers! OH......I also bought myself a UKELELE! J and Rho- ya'll gotta show me what you know! More on that later...)

Anyways, Josh Verdes, another talented brotha, is DOPE. I dig his songs and he actually does a video of where he tries to teach you the chord progressions of one. What's funny is, he says he doesn't even know the names of the chords! (Almost reminded me of Phoebe in Friends where she's trying to teach guitar...). He also lists the many artists that he digs and it ranges from R&B to the alternative Christian rock like Chris Tomlin and the David Crowder Band, who btw, are AWESOME to listen to...ya'll don't have to be Christian to dig the sound- lol. The song that was on the Happyslip video is called "Home"- it has that make you feel good sound...makes me think of the good old days and just being with family. If you check out his website, do watch his other videos...he does some electric guitar, too. Man...to be so musically inclined....some people make me sick with envy! Seriously...this dude is someone to watch out for. *I couldn't figure out how to post the his YouTube vid here, so ya'll just have to check out his site!*

If you got the time (and if you're reading my blog, you DO have the time!), check these two out...'tis always good to see some talented Pinoys trying to make it big out there, yah? Spread the word!

MnM Gallery

*Sunset pics taken at Lake Merced.



*Random white flower and pink cherry blossom



*Belated Happy Chinese New Year!
Year of the Pig

Kuya Sam, I Miss You...

I hope you know how much you meant to me
And how I loved bein' your lil' sis...

Your infectious smile, that hearty laugh
The eyes that spoke so much without words...

I wish we had more time together
I wish you had more time-
I wish I could've been there for you during your last moments
To hold your hand and whisper in your ear that everything will be ok.

Everything that happens in this life happens for a reason.

I had to see you...I needed to see you.
Did you hear me talking to you today
About all that's come to pass since the last time we spoke?
But as I look back, all the drama seems so trivial now.
Your passing is a reminder that life is too short
And that none of it should be wasted on mindless shit...

You came to me in a dream and
The high that I felt was indescribably you.
I didn't see you among the faces, but I knew you were there-
And you were happy and at peace.

I miss you, but I'm going to hold you in my heart always.
I feel lucky to be among the chosen to have been graced
By your presence and your friendship...know that.
From the Barangay and Larawan days..and then finally to Likha-
You never stopped being the big brother you promised to be
And for that, I will always be eternally grateful.

*Rest in peace, Kuya Sam...I'll be seein' you again someday...

And as VJ from KP said,
"Fly free, my brother...and dance with the angels..."

------------------------------------------------
This week has been so surreal. Kuya Sam's passing hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that he had surgery a few years back...in fact, the last time I heard from him was via IM when I was living in Minnesota. He told me that it had been life-threatening, but thankfully, he pulled through and was fine. I remember feeling scared. While I know that no one is immune to sickness, it always seems so brutally unfair when it's someone so young. He was only 37 years old.

It wasn't a question of whether or not I was going to fly down for the funeral services; rather, it was a question of when. As I walked into the mortuary, I automatically tried to brace myself for the emotions I knew I would feel, but when I saw him, I was overcome by a deep sadness. But then, I saw that he was dressed in a New York Yankees jersey and I thought, how totally Sam! And it made me laugh...and throughout the eulogies, that's all we did. Of course there were tears that were shed, but the countless stories truly reflected Kuya Sam's fun-loving personality. It was exactly how I think he would've wanted us to remember him...not with tears of sadness, but with tears that come from laughing so hard that our stomach hurts.

I believe that he is in a better place, free of sickness and pain. I know that he's up in heaven having a good ole' time, sharing laughs with the Big Guy, checking out for any cute angels, and dancing in the ultimate club in the sky.

Lastly...I just had to add...I swear, he will forever be, in my mind, Janet Jackson's #1 fan! LOL! (*cue in Janet Jackson's "If")

"If I was your girl
Oh the things I'd do to you
I'd make you call out my name
I'd ask who it belongs to
If I was your woman
The things I'd do to you
But I'm not
So I can't
Then I won't
But
If I was your girl"

Ahhhh...the PCN that will forever be seared into my memory.....LOL! Get your dance on, Kuya Sam!

*Sam Largo January 21, 1970- February 18, 2007*

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

*All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching, but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching, but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

*All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

*All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you'll help me to start again
You'll know that I"ll be there for you in the end

"The melody is like sex
Then you get to know a person and that's the lyric-
Who they are underneath."
-- Sophie in Music and Lyrics

Selective Memory

I have a weird memory bank. While I may not remember what it was that I ate yesterday, I could tell you exactly what happened four years ago. I may not remember what I dreamed about last week, but I could tell you about a dream that I had 10 years ago, who wore what, where it happened, and what was said to whom. I remember the date of when I got my beloved Honda (March 7), the "anniversary" of when I started "going" with my grade school crush (February 24), the license plate and make of the a$$hole driver's car that unnecessarily tailed me on the Great Highway on Friday (2EMD568 Gray Toyota Corolla)...and really, where can I freakin' go on a two-lane road...if you just do 35 mph and time the lights like any other city person who knows, you wouldn't waste gas on braking...then a person like me with a good memory for license plates wouldn't have to put your info on my blog for all to know and recognize a stupid and impatient driver like you. But I digress...

I am big on anniversaries. BIG. Take for example today: February 18. A year ago today, I saw the gorgeous Il Divo in concert for the very first time. It happened to be one of the c-o-l-d-e-s-t nights in Minnesota where I feared losing any of my appendages. While I sat in the balcony, I remember being so mesmerized by their voices and feeling so touched by the music. As the combination of voices and music crescendoed, I swear, 'twas enough to make me cry. And so began my love affair for these guys.

February is simply the most grueling month for me to get through. And while I won't go into details, let's just say that it represents the beginning of the ending of my supposedly perfect fairytale bubble of a life. With that said, each President's Day weekend that rolls around, I somewhat masochistically relive the events over in my head. For the past four years, and it's as if my body knows, I shut down. It is an absolute certainty that I will not be the best company to be around. Any comment out of my mouth will be just a tad bit more sarcastic and bitter than usual and for warnings sake, I am prone to imitate a bursting dam at any given time. It sounds mental, I know. Trust me, there have been moments where I thought I was seriously losing my mind.

This year has been like no other. Surreal is the word that comes to mind. Most of the people that I talk to always ask me, "How are you doing?", but in reality, they really DON'T want to know how I'm doing. They ask because it's the polite thing to do. They ask because perhaps, they feel obligated to ask, but it's written all over their face that they don't want to know. They don't want to know because it makes them feel uncomfortable- they feel uncomfortable because they don't know what to say.

Let me ease your conscience a bit with this- I don't NEED you to say anything. I am not looking for the solution to my problem nor do I expect you to say anything so profound. And for the love of God, I do not need your pity. I don't NEED you to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I KNOW that everything will be okay....all in His time. BUT...here is what I DO need. I NEED you to listen to me vent, complain, be angry and bitter, and cry. Don't tell me to change the subject and think of happy thoughts instead. How am I expected to get over this if all I do is change the subject? If I am having a shitty day, well then, so be it. You have been forewarned. And I tell you this because I don't want to offend anyone...it's not personal. And the fact that I even have to put this out there, this warning of whatever, seems absurd to me now because there I go AGAIN trying to appease other people. Why the hell do I constantly do that? Ahhh...let's save that for another blog.

With THE weekend looming, I resolved to make it more bearable. And so began my trek to the movie theater to ease my already troubled mind...


My Life According to the Big Screen

Just for the record, any movie that deals with any mother-daughter relationship always gets me. It started with the ultimate one: The Joy Luck Club. I will say, though, that I am a fan of Mandy Moore, simply because after all the cutesyness, I think she's done way better in her musical/acting career than say, Britney Spears. So when I saw the preview for this movie, I knew I had to see it. Okay, okay, so there's a CUTE guy in it, too (Gabriel Macht), but hey, it's just the cherry on top when there's someone to watch who is easy on the eyes. Agree?

Basic premise of Because I Said So...overbearing mother who just wants the best for her youngest daughter. (ding, ding, ding! Hello?! Youngest daughter = me!) So Mandy plays Milly (hmmm...even starts with an M...) who hasn't had any successful relationships...mom decides to play matchmaker by putting an ad on a match.com site. Of course, there has to be a triangle of sorts- the man that WE want Milly to end up with and the one that her MOM wants. Btw: can I just say that there is just SOMETHING about a man who can play the guitar??? Oh, and the tattoo on the hand? Sexy. The mother-daughter dynamic is very open (think Gilmore Girls)...hell, how many women discuss the big-O with your mama? Add in a good soundtrack, some good-lookin' men, cute kid, funny dialogue, drama with the mama, some tears, lotta laughs, and well, you got the recipe for a feel-good chick flick.

The whole relationship thing...I totally get. Having people wanting the best for you...I totally get. Being torn between what seems best vs what you really want...I so get, too.

Music and Lyrics

On Valentine's Day, I treated myself to a movie and a day of shopping- it was one of the most pathetic Valentine's Day ever!

Wait...I take that back. My day at school was one of THE BEST EVER. My kids were on their best behavior and they weren't even really trying. I skipped out on the notion of wearing all black and opted for a totally red floral top. I even went the extra step to curl my hair. Yes, yes, it's all a matter of attitude and I told myself that it'd be a good day...in spite of everything. To start the day, I gave a hug to each of my kids...although I had to chase down a few of the non-huggers. (MnM: "Stay where you are 'cuz I'm gonna hug you!" Class: "Quick- run for it!") I didn't get a lot of chocolate candy (thank goodness!), but I received some of the sweetest Valentine wishes ever that made my heart melt. Here's a conversation I had with a boy in my class as I was writing the assignments on the board:

Student: "Mrs. MnM, did you know that you're my favorite teacher ever?"
MnM: "Really? (disbelievingly) Why do you say that? Why am I your favorite?"
Student: "Well, you're smart and funny. You're serious and I like it when teachers are serious. And you're also very sweet, silly, and pretty."
MnM: "Awww...you're so sweet! Thank you!"
Student: "I really liked all of my teachers, but you're the best one."

That's just one moment out of many that will always stick with me. I got a variety of hugs from my kids- bear hugs, shy hugs, tight hugs, arm hugs, group hugs- I swear, I felt so loved! But yes, V-day was a fun-filled day where we didn't get any work done...lol...'twas a day that we just got to enjoy each other, sing some songs, have some heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (my treat!), do some art, and enjoy playing outside. My kids, as talkative as they can (and usually at the wrong times!), are A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I love this group, however exasperating they can be, and I will totally miss them next year. When they're sweet, well, they're just the sweetest.

Egads...back to movie...yes, I stayed true to myself and my rep for watching a movie on opening day. Gosh, how I missed doing that! Music and Lyrics is a total date movie. I love Drew Barrymore in these romantic comedy roles and whoa, I didn't know how good Hugh Grant looks without a shirt...hello! (for his age, people...) You've all seen the commercials...he's a former 80's British pop band member (conveniently called "POP") whose popularity is going down the drain. He needs to write a song for a Britney-ish artist and the success of it is crucial for his slowly, but surely, dying career. There's the whole romance thing going on....the whole follow your heart thing...the whole being true to yourself thing....the whole moving on thing. Hahah..yes, you guessed it...another chick flick. But I swear, if there's ever a chance to see the opening sequence of a film, this is it! Think bad hair, bad dancing, bad/cool fashion, corny acting...all the making of an 80's video- it's hilarious. Plus, I guarantee...as you walk out of the theater, you'll be humming that "POP!" song all the way home. LOL!

Bridge To Terabithia

I'm sad to say that I've never read this book by Katherine Paterson, but if I did when I was younger, I bet I would've loved it. I went to watch it with the fam today and the only thing I knew about the story was that there was a world created out of the kids' imagination- Terabithia. There are a lot of other issues that the movie deals with - family, school, growing up, and social status being a few. In fact, as I was watching, the whole issue of bullies was hard to watch. You know the saying..."Mean people suck." It's true...but there's always a reason behind everything that goes on and of course, there's a reason why mean people are the way that they are. It's neat to see a friendship between these two kids unfold and to see where their imagination takes them. I wasn't expecting it to be a crying movie, but it was. I mean, sure, MnM cries at every movie (Because I Said So- check! Music and Lyrics- check!), but it even made Sabrina and Nico cry, too.

With it being a Disney kid movie, there are things that I could definitely relate to - family, responsibility, guilt, love, loss. But wow, I bet anything that the book is better- I gotta catch up on my reading. Must add this to my list! 'Twas a good family movie...I totally recommend it...the little sister of one of the main characters is simply adorable...kid actors always amaze me...just don't forget the tissue...

Danggit!

Just when I thought that I was doing so well by posting every few days in January... Well, with all of the piles of papers that need correcting, lessons to plan, and TV shows to watch (yes, I make time to veg out and watch mindless, yet entertaining shows), I find that I rarely have time to blog. Okay wait, forget all of that. The REAL reason why I don't blog as often as I'd like can be summed up in two words: dial-up. Um, okay, so technically that could be one word, but people, you get the point. As disconnected as I feel during the week without going online and checking mail, I'd rather not have to go through the hassle and aggravation of waiting for pages to load...and for those who have forgotten what it's like to live in the dsl or cable-less world, it takes forever! Not to say that the main reason I visit my sis on the weekends is for their wireless network connection...but it sure does help!

A Helluva Week

First off, let me just say that the weather is to blame. Because of the crappy, gloomy, cold, dark, and rainy days that we've been having, kids all over the Bay Area can't help but give their teachers a hard time. I know this from first hand experience- it has been my living hell the entire week. And no matter how much I plan for it, anticipate it even, I am Ms. Cranky MnM by the end of the day. Sure, it's hard for the kids to be cooped up all day, I understand...I get it. But oh how I wish the kids could cooperate and be dazzled by all the cool stuff I have to share! They really can't sit still and their mouths are on overdrive...I've been reminded of that damn Energizer bunny- keeps goin' and goin' and goin' and goin'. Argh. As terrible as this sounds, there have been moments where I'd just love to tell them to shut up. OF COURSE, I NEVER WOULD! I'm just saying that sometimes I wish I could.

Okay, I don't mean to brag, but I will say this- if you were a 3rd Grader, you WANT to be in my class. I, for one, like to have fun in class. I find that when kids are enjoying themselves, they tend to remember the lesson better. Sure, not everything is all fun and games, but if I was a 3rd grader, I'd be bored out of my mind if we had to listen to a teacher lecture all the time. You gotta switch it around every so often, surprise them, do something out of the ordinary, get them to laugh, gross out, be wowed, and challenge them to think. I swear, all of the prep to try and make all of that happen isn't successful all of the time. It's almost like being a stand-up comedian...sometimes the crowd goes wild and you totally feed off of their excitement and energy; other times, you're stuck with a bunch of deer-in-the-headlights stares and you're wondering if the mic is on.

Earlier in the week, I was the freakin' headliner.

I told my class a joke. Okay, if truth be told, I'm always cracking jokes and throwing sarcasm around. It's one of those things where I have to have my door closed because my class is busting a gut on something I said. But this time, not only did I tell a joke, I told them a FILIPINO JOKE.

So we've been talking about Invertebrates- animals without backbones- and the topic of the day was octopus. 8 arms called tentacles with suction cups, uses ink to confuse the enemy, comes in different sizes, blah blah blah. When octopus move, they do so by using a siphon- in other words, think of a balloon that you're blowing air into, but when you accidentally let go, the balloon flies uncontrollably around as the air escapes. Same thing, but in water. So I'm demonstrating what an octopus might look like and well, the "pusit" joke came to mind.

In order for this joke to be funny, you HAVE to know that the word "squid" in Tagalog is "pusit." You take your left hand and while you open and close the fingers, move it across your body. You ask "what is it?" and the answer is "pusit." Then, you take your right hand and do the exact same thing and ask "what is it?" and the answer is "op-pusit." Get it? Opposite? LOL! Okay, I may not have explained that so well in words, but if you saw the reaction on my kids' face, it was enough to get me rollin' on the floor. So yah...I was cool teacher with the jokes that day. LOL!

Too bad it didn't last though. The forces of nature were stronger than my superteacher powers and well, as Friday took its sweet time coming, the kids' behavior went from bad to worse. But hey, just like I told them at the beginning of the school year, "If you give me a good day, I will give you a great day. If you give me a bad day, I will give you a terrible day." Woe to the kids who feel my wrath! Bwahahahahaha! Seriously? I DID make two kids cry. Do I really need to repeat myself twice? I don't think so. 'Nuff said.

High and Mighty

These words could describe a teacher at school. Ms. High and Mighty is one of those Christians with that "holier than thou" attitude that I seriously cannot tolerate. While I am totally down for being so convicted about your beliefs and speaking your mind about it, I don't appreciate it when those very same beliefs are rammed down my throat and I am made to feel condemned if I don't agree with them. It all began with a discussion of Mayor Gavin Newsom's extracurricular activities. Ms. High and Mighty was sharing her views on why she would not vote for him and well, as she said, his actions are a reflection of his character. Fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But then she continued with the argument that his decison making isn't based on a Biblical perspective; she further continued with her feelings about the sinfulness of the homosexual community and how appalled she is that Mayor Newsom supports "those people." I, for one, was so appalled at what she was saying, that I got up in the middle of her spiel and walked away.

What happened to love for our fellow man?

But there's more to Ms. High and Mighty. In reference to a student who potentially could've been in her class, she stated that she hated this child. Hated. Hate is a very strong word and to direct that type of feeling to a child, A CHILD, is just so totally wrong and so un-Christian as can be. Put that all together and mix it up- a Christian teacher at a Christian school spouting Christian values and morals is the very same teacher who refuses a student because she hates him. My goodness...out of all the difficult students I have had, as much trouble as they have given me and no matter how much they got on my nerves, not once have I said that I hated them. I may not like them for a while, but I would never in a million years say that I hated a student. Whatever ounce of respect I ever had for this teacher is completely gone.

Weekend Endeavor

One of the goals that I've had for myself is to learn how to play a new instrument. My current love is for the violin. I've been so tempted to go to a music store and buy one...I think one can buy a decent one for about $100. I told myself that I would take lessons, but when I browsed Craigslist, there weren't many listings for violin lessons. It really makes me wish that my elementary school had a music program where all students HAD to play something. I swear, I never really heard of the various musical instruments until later on in life. My niece's piano teacher also happens to be a violin teacher...a viable option. I was able to attend a recital held in her teacher's living room and it was cute. There were a few tiny rugrats who were total beginning level violin players and it was neat that the parents decided to learn along, too. As cute as it was for both parent and child to be playing "Twinkle, twinkle little star," I seriously don't see myself starting there. Yes, yes, we all have to begin somewhere, but I've been told that if you already have some kind of musical background, learning won't be so difficult. Not to say that I could just surpass the basics because I took piano for a couple of years, but I'd like to think that I fall into that category.

Well, as cool as it would be for me to say that I've taken up the violin, I haven't. Why all the talk about it? Well, it's still a goal of mine. It would be a major accomplishment for me personally if I did learn it...one day. BUT, back in '99, I bought myself an acoustic guitar. I've tinkered with it here and there through the years...it did collect dust for a bit while I was in Minnesota and I even agreed to let lil' cousin D borrow it. But it's back in my possession and as nice as it looks in my sister's living room, I decided that it's time to put it to good use.

Just for the record, I've had no lessons. I have learned three basic chords prior: D, A, G. Today, I have been subjecting myself to pain to my fingertips and attemptingto play a song. See? No patience to learn the basics...just straight to a song. I bought a music book at the Chris Tomlin concert and as uplifted as I was, I became even more inspired to learn how to play. I thought, wouldn't I be cool teacher if I could bust out my guitar for the kiddies and have my own lil' praise and worship thang goin'?

Anytime I'm at my sister's house, there's a certain comfort there. Besides the obvious of being in the company of fellow goofy, fun-loving, totally cool, inspiring, comforting peoples (and yes, the good food, too!), I love the fact that it's a house always filled with music.

My fingertips are not as calloused yet; rather, they are painful and sensitive to the touch. Seeing that today was the first time I spent a couple of hours playing the same song over and over (yes, a couple of hours!), I could honestly say that I could play Chris Tomlin's "Your Grace Is Enough" somewhat decently...slow, but decent.


Your Grace Is Enough
by Chris Tomlin

Great is your faithfulness, Oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters into mercy
And nothing could keep us apart

So remember your people, remember your children
Remember your promise, Oh God

*Your grace is enough, your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is your love and justice, God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of your salvation
And all your people sing along

Your grace is enough, heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough, is enough for me.

Lifted High

"Music is the medicine of the breaking heart."--- Leigh Hunt

I attended the “How Great is Our God” tour last Sunday at the San Jose State Event Center. The featured headliners were Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and speaker, Louie Giglio. For those who are not familiar with these names, they are among the top Christian artists of today.

I know so many people who roll their eyes when I tell them that I listen to Christian music, but I could care less. Many people make the wrong assumptions and think that it’s a bunch of old school organ music. On the contrary, people! This genre has its own continuum of easy listening ballads to contemporary pop to alternative rock. Sure you got the hymns of old, but there are definitely a new set of tunes for the younger set that truly make you passionate about what you believe…and I’m talking about the Big Man upstairs, God Himself.

Now before you think that I’m getting too Christian on you, let me first say this- I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be. It’s interesting how I have met people who have this “holier than thou” attitude and who believe they are superior because they believe in God. It’s almost as if they know this awesome secret and consider themselves to be “the elite” who know, and instead of sharing this secret with others, keep it to themselves, snub others who don’t know and look down on those who they think should know. Does that make sense?

But at the concert, one fact was made poignantly clear- we are not Christians because we are perfect; rather, we are Christians because we are IMPERFECT and in need of God’s love and salvation. Despite whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, none of us are immune from God’s love, comfort, mercy, and forgiveness….all we have to do is let Him come.

Now if you know anything about what I’ve been going through, especially with the past year, then you would understand just how much my soul needed to be fed. Some of you know that I’ve wanted to attend a Christian concert for a while now and I was totally psyched when I bought these tickets. Christian concerts are not as common here in the Bay Area as they are in other places such as Minnesota….and honestly, that is one of the major things I do miss about the Midwest….it’s so God-friendly over there. Here, it’s either or- you’re damned if you do believe; you’re damned if you don’t believe. I choose to believe.

The past few months have been hard, especially with all the major holidays that have come and gone. I have been standing at a crossroads of my life for so long…and now, I am finding my way down the road that I have chosen…the “road not taken,” if you will. The journey has not been without friends and family, but the path itself is still lonely and unforgiving. I’ve experienced the whole feeling-alone-in-a-crowded-room thing and let me tell you, it sucks. And while praying does bring me a comfort that I cannot find anywhere else, there are times when I find myself without energy to do so because of one reason or another…all of which are sounding like lame excuses right now.

The concert did wonders for me and my soul. It was exactly what I needed. First of all, it simply blew my mind to be in a huge venue full of people who, literally, wanted to rock out in God’s name. People were jumping around, boppin’ their heads, singing along (they had the lyrics projected on a huge screen)…and when the music slowed down a bit, people had their eyes closed, hands raised, outstretched, and I tell you, it’s such a powerful sight. You can’t help but hear the music and let the lyrics touch your soul. The feeling I get is as if God is hugging me and telling me that everything will be better. That, in itself, is a pretty awesome feeling…so awesome that it brings you to tears. Yes, all that through a song. And yes, just how it is when a friend comforts you with a hug, it makes the burden you carry that much lighter.

I attended the concert with a friend from work and DogLover along with her hubby. It was refreshing to bond with them, not in that co-workerish, BFF-ish kind of way, but in the spiritual sense. It’s been hard to let my guard down and be real about my emotions about life these days and being able to share was, again, good for me. Good company, good friends, good conversation, good music...s'all good.

This was definitely one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to!

DogLover and MnM


Mr. & Mrs. DogLover


MnM and Mr. Kam

Quote of the Day

"It's okay to be happy....because you never know how fleeting that happiness can be."

I don't know who said this, or if it is, indeed, a real quote. All I do know is that it tells me that I shouldn't have or need a reason to justify feeling happy "despite my situation." It's a "live in the moment" kinda quote; a "you only live once" quote; a "screw it, I deserve this moment" kinda quote. We're all just trying to move forward in this game of life and I want to do it without worry, guilt, or fear. Ain't nothing wrong with that...

A Nip from Max

Just a nip, my ass! Max, for those who do not know, is my homegirl's pet dog. Max is frisky, excitable, jumpy, and all of the other things that I do NOT enjoy about dogs. All cuteness aside, it's not that I don't like dogs, I just don't like them ON ME. So when I went to DogLover's house yesterday, according to homegirl, they were just excited to see Auntie MnM. So excited that all barking and playing ensued and the next thing I knew, Max had his jaws around the back of my leg! Can I just say instant tears to my eyes??? I got freakin' bit by a dog! Albeit there were no puncture wounds...still, it hurt! DogLover calls it a nip....pssssh...whatever! I do have a bruise to show for it and all I can say is thank goodness, I wasn't wearing a skirt! I swear, all of the fears I ever had about dogs that disappeared through the years came back in that one instant.

So yes....I just got bit by a dog...how's your weekend so far???

For Sabrina

To the little lady who turns a decade today...to the future veterinarian and lover of Siberian Huskies...Happy 10th Birthday!!! Ninang loves you!!!



For more "awwwww" pics like this, click here.


The Favor

It was more difficult than I imagined.
As I deleted links and pictures per your request
An overwhelming sadness washed over me.
No need for justification-
with all of it comes the liberation that we both need
to move forward.

The act of deleting made everything so surreal -
erased what was there, as if it never happened.
But I don't want to fall into that trap of believing that it was all a fairytale
because it was real...we were real.

I don't want to live my life with regrets or what ifs.
As you said last night,"...it is what it is...."
I deleted each pic that I had of you and me
And rather than feel a sense of regret of what could have been,
I settled instead for what has to be.

Rest assured that the favor is a done deal.

Kravitz Classic

So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over
So many gears we've tried
To keep our love alive
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over

Okay, after this weekend, I simply cannot hear this song any other way anymore...

Family-filled weekend

January is full of birthdays, anniversaries, and special days for my family. Last week, we celebrated the little Nico-man's 6th birthday; this weekend was a dinner at Il Fornaio in honor of both my mom and pops birthdays; 'twas the Massey's 1st wedding anniversary; and this week, my lolo turns 92 years old while little miss Sabrina finally turns a decade old.

With 2007 just beginning, there are already quite a few weddings in store that we're all excited about...also just found out that a cousin is pregnant and due in March! Speakin' of babies, I also know quite a few couples who have made 2007 their year of trying, so good luck to you, too!

This weekend was supposed to be a decked out black & white gala family reunion on my mom's side, but somehow, it didn't go through. Still, there were some people who came from out of town and spent the weekend with us anyways. All in all, it's been a fun weekend filled with family, food, and lots of laughs.

Mabuhay Il Divo!

So my favorite men have started their 2nd world tour...the first leg of their tour is taking them all over Asia and just yesterday, they performed in the Philippines. One of my diva friends actually flew home JUST FOR THE CONCERT and lucky gal that she is, got to sit in the 6th row! She even got to talk to David (the American) and exchanged some smiles and pleasantries. Totally exciting news! While I won't go into the details of the concert, I just had to share this one tidbit. The concert was supposed to start at 8pm. Well, let's just say that if they didn't know what "Filipino time" was then, they know now! LOL! Well, the concert (the one and ONLY one in PI) was held at PICC (Philippine International Convention Center) in Manila. Apparently, this venue is usually attended by high dignitaries and just high society in general (this includes singers, actors, and the like). Turns out the concert was delayed because they were waiting for the arrival of Lady President Gloria. She was an hour late! Aiya! While I may not totally follow how her presidency is goin' (I know, shame on me...), what I did read was that when she finally arrived, she was booed and heckled! THEN, Il Divo did not acknowledge her presence (hopefully by accident?), but at the end, there came an announcement that no one was allowed to leave the building until Lady President left....common protocol. Concert goers were not pleased and then continued to boo and heckle her yet again. Interesting...

Anyways, all politics aside, Seb (my French fave!) did try to get his Tagalog on with "Mahal ko kayong lahat!" Awwwwww.....what I would've given to hear him say that!

The H-O-T-T-E-S-T episode



The beginnings of the Justice League: Flash, Green Arrow, Superman, AquaMan, and Cyborg. Hubba, Hubba!

All I have to say is that I haven't cheered for a tv show like this in a long time. Smallville is beginning to pick up the pace with Superman vs. Lex Luthor. And boy oh boy, was it worth the wait!

In case you missed tonight's episode, my goodness, THE episode to watch, here it is:
Justice League.

The Mission

No, I am not talking about the location, as in where I attended high school, where the best burritos in the city can be found, or where I've been jumped while defending my friends. I'm talking about a different mission...a mission trip.

Growing up, I always heard about people volunteering their time, traveling to a third world country to share about God. My old skool thinking gives me the mental picture of some older, white nuns in their flyaway habits tending to some of the poorest people while trying to preach the Good News of God to them. Later, I noticed that missionaries around the world were being killed by non-Christian groups and I remember thinking, my goodness, is it really worth it to put your own life in danger for such a mission?

Last year, a co-worker of mine traveled with members of her church to Thailand on a two-week mission trip. While she was there, she worked with children, shared stories about Jesus, and helped quite a few non-believers convert to Christianity. Hearing about her trip was so inspiring and I could easily tell that her life dramatically changed in that short amount of time. In fact, her and her husband got the call from God to go back to Thailand. The only difference this time around is that there would be no church group to travel with- if they were to go, it would be on their own. It was a decision that had many factors to think about- could they afford it? would it be safe? where would they stay? how would they get around? what supplies would they bring? And the list goes on. But with the monetary help from supporters, they were able to go to a small village in Thailand and they've been there since Christmas.

Just recently, we were informed that their safety has become an issue. The mission they have undertaken is two-fold. During the day, they work as volunteers in a school where most of the children are orphans. Both husband and wife have experience working with children and so working in a school was a no-brainer. But what makes this school so unique is that these orphans are also former child-prostitutes who were forced into the industry. Apparently in this Thai village, child prostitution is a huge problem and many people are working to put an end to it, my friends included. Unfortunately, while they are "rescuing" these young girls, you can imagine that there are some angry pimps out there. While I may not know all the details, all I do know is that they are thinking of cutting their trip short.

Missionaries are truly some of the world's unsung heroes. In a faithless world, it takes so much courage and heart to go to these countries in hopes that their testimonies will touch someone's life.

I thought I heard the call to go on a mission trip, but I ignored it. I ignored it because I know that I am not ready to do something of that magnitude and plus, I'm scared. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't think I'm willing to put my life on the line just yet, but perhaps, when my faith is stronger, one day I will.

Yesterday on our way back from City Hall, a man on BART asked me how many kids were in my class. We struck up a conversation about children, teaching, and from there about the field trip we just went on to just talk about San Francisco. Really, the entire exchange lasted only two stops. Anyways, he commented that he was from Colorado and was only in the city for a day because he would be on his way to Ecuador the following morning. I asked what was taking him there and he said that he was going on a mission trip. I told him about my friends in Thailand and he had this eager look in his eyes as if he couldn't wait to get started. It was so awe-inspiring to see that! It was time for us to go and it didn't hit me until we were walking back to school (the 30 minute trek...) that I should've asked for an email address or something like that so that we, at school, could pray for him. Hmmm...would they even have Internet access? Our friends in Thailand did. Well, I did wish him luck and commented that there should be more people like him doing the kind of work that he'd be doing...and it's true.

For sure, I'm keeping our friends in Thailand in my prayers and hoping for a safe return back to California...and adding to that, just missionaries all around the world, BART dude included, for all the work they do in the name of God.

If you were called on a mission, would you go?

The Great Conversationalist

I had one of the greatest conversations with someone today.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those and
It surprised me in ways that I never thought it would.

I practically spent my entire time with him today -
I guess you could say we were stuck.
The things that came out of his mouth were so honest and pure -
His candor was hilarious.

Every time he makes me laugh, it’s one of those laugh-out-loud situations.
When he shares something with me, I can’t help but share it with others
Because I know that everyone else will get a kick out of it, too.

Our little chat took a serious turn today and it revealed so much about his personality.
We talked about family, life, decision-making, and divorce-
Even if love is involved, how divorce is so complicated to understand.

He talked to me about the domino effect and how people have been hurt.
He misses a dad that he rarely sees and siblings he’ll never know-
Yet he knows his mom is happy, or is, at least, trying to be.

Listening to all this breaks my heart because it’s from a kid who’s not even 9 years old.
The happy-go-lucky kid in my class who cannot sit still and talks incessantly –
Is the same kid who has become one of my favorite students.
------------------------------

They Earned an A-

We had a field trip today to City Hall and the Main Library. As much as I love taking students on field trips, leaving school premises is totally stressful. As is usually the case, we must travel via public transportation...and if you know me, you know that I'm definitely not a fan. Thankfully, we didn't have to take MUNI; rather, my class trudged approximately 30 minutes to the BART station and headed downtown from there.

I won't go into detail about the trip, only that it went well- no one got lost, no one got sick, no one stepped on dog poop (which there was plenty of...)...the only things that did get lost were some nametags here and there. Lost nametags I can handle.

The weather was surprisingly very cooperative, but considering that we did a lot of walking today, it was perfect. The BART trains that we rode happened to be empty because it was during the non-busy commute time and we didn't have any encounters with irate people of any kind. Thank God.

I like to give my class a grade after each field trip to let them know how they did. Because we leave school grounds, they need to know if their behavior is acceptable and if they are able to be the responsible 3rd graders of my class that I expect them to be. Considering that they received a C- on their first field trip (along with the "threat" of not having any more...) well, they knew there were improvements to be made. And improve they did!

Everyone had a walking partner with whom they had to hold hands, myself included. While I usually do not like to hold any kid's hand, because more than likely it means they are in trouble for something, my partner for today was quite enjoyable. Okay, so forget the fact that I had to hold his hand because he was dragging his feet and holding up the line...having him as a partner definitely added to the field trip experience as a whole and that's what I had to write about up above.

It was definitely a good day....completely exhausting, but eye-opening, fun, and refreshing, too.

Nightmares Happen

I'm so tired. I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in a while. As hard as I try to close off my mind and get some shut eye, something holds me back.

I was so desperate for sleep the other day that I cried. Without knowing that I did, I finally fell asleep, only to be jolted awake by my cellphone ringing.

What I fail to mention is the fact that not only have I not been able to sleep, but it's more along the lines that I have been afraid to do so.

I will be adult enough to say this, but it's an admission that will hopefully help me deal with things better. As they say, the first step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem...and here it is...

I'm scared of the dark.

It sounds childish, I know, but it's a fear nonetheless. Let me give you some background on this before you start baggin' on me and if you're game, you can analyze, deconstruct, and perhaps explain it all to me so that I, myself, can understand what it all means.

Almost 10 years ago, I had the most frightening nightmare...it freaked me out so much and it was one of those that just felt too real to be a dream.

I'm lying down in my bed with the covers over my head. It seems to be in the moments right before you fall asleep. To me, it's almost like a floating feeling, where everything releases, all conscious and subconscious thoughts disappear and the body is about to escape into sweet and blissful slumber. All of a sudden, my hearts starts to race and the fear starts flowing through my veins. The beating of my heart is thunderous in my ears and that, in itself, intensifies my already growing fear. This is where I freeze. Literally. My entire body goes stiff and as hard as I try, I find myself frozen with fear. I struggle with all my might to the point where I begin to feel my muscles ache. I try to call for help, but nothing escapes from my lips- the only screams that I hear are inside my head.

Then I feel it...two unseen hands wrapping around my neck. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that comes over my body as I desperately flail around. Helpless. There is nothing or no one that I see in the room that could be doing this to me- nothing but a black form. Then, when it seems like I cannot struggle anymore, I wake up.

But I wake up with fear coursing through my veins, my body is weak and achy from fighting something, and I've got tears in my eyes. I quickly scan the room, hoping that something is there, yet hoping that nothing is there...and it's empty.

This recurring dream has different takes on it, but the same premise- me being frozen with fear, calling out and struggling while something tries to choke me.

The first time it happened , all I saw was a dark shadow- namesless and shapeless. It doesn't talk or speak, but whatever it is somehow acquires hands to constrict my neck. Another time when I swore that I was awake and under the blankets, I could see and feel the impressions of something on top of me. It was strong and unforgiving.

What freaked me out was the first time it happened with hubby around. We were in Foster City already and while it was happening, Doh said that I was thrashing around on the bed and whimpering. Whimpering. My goodness, all I know is that I am screaming my freakin' head off and all that comes out is a whimper?!

The frequency has been too much for my nerves- not only can't I sleep, but at this point, I don't want to. When I feel the onset of sleep creeping in, I freak. I'm scared to sleep because I don't want to have the nightmare again. I'm scared to sleep because what happens if I don't get jolted awake when I'm being choked?

Believe me, I've prayed about it. Heck, I don't know if it's an evil presence or what, but I've asked that I get a good night's sleep. Doesn't always work...

For a while, I really believed that it was some sort of psychological thing that I was going through. I still believe that- it's just different this time around because I have no one to wake me up and hold me afterward to tell me that it was only a bad dream.

Makes me wonder which scares me more...

The Little Man's Birthday

Six years ago, the little man was born. Wowzers! I swear, where does the time go? It only seems like yesterday...*sigh*

Just wanted to post a pic from Cars, his latest fave AND the theme of his Baskin Robbins ice cream cake- yum! Off we go to celebrate...

Happy 6th birthday, Nico-man...Ninang loves you!

It's Been a While

I came to your house today and I felt so at home
Even though it's been a while, it's as if I never left.
So many people were there to visit, the same ones every week
And here I was, a straggler, an infrequent visitor.

I've missed you so much, but I think of you often
I've thought about how much I've neglected you without meaning to do so.
With everything that's been going on in my life these days
It's just been easier to stay away.

I made an admission to myself about you, and it was hard to swallow
But I've been upset...angry...mad...and bitter.
I know that I have no right to be because you've given me so much already
And I should be thankful.

I've been ashamed to admit my feelings to you because
It seems like there are not many people who can truly understand.
But I have taken for granted that you know me, inside and out
I have taken for granted that you, too, feel my pain.

As I choked back the tears, I apologized for staying away
And suddenly, my heart felt unburdened and lightened.
Something indescribable inside me stirred
As if my heart was being gently cradled by loving hands.

I don't know where that loss of faith came from
You have been my sole comforter in my times of need for so long.
I wish that I can say that it won't happen again, but I know that it will
And it just reminds me of how weak I am without you.

Thank you for the reminder to have hope amid all of the chaos
And for welcoming me back into your house without question.
I know that it's been a while, but being in your company today made me realize
That I simply cannot live my life without you.

How Did We Get to Talking About That?

Lunch time conversation at work is never dull. After almost a full day with students, you'd think that teachers would want to use that valuable time to de-stress and be kid-free for those thirty minutes. Wrong! In fact, all conversations revolve around our students- what a kid said, what a kid did, what should be done with this or that one, so and so is driving me nuts today, etc. And how sad that we're all guilty of venting out our frustrations to other teachers! Thankfully, that's what we're there for, to support each other, encourage one another, and root each other on.

All other conversations that stem from there is almost always NOT connected to the students at all and it's always funny to figure out how you got from Point A to Point B. Take today for example- one minute we are discussing when report cards are due and the next thing you know, we're talking about tips on how not to be a victim of an attack.

The path is simple really.

We began talking about report card dates, which was discussed at the meeting I attended after school, which also included organizing a schedule of upcoming field trips for each grade level, which brought us to the recap of what happened during our first field trip of the year in which one of our 3rd grade students was punched in the face by another student from another school, which brought up the heated discussion of why we should have a school bus to take us to and from places, which led to the issue of how steep the insurance costs would be, which led to the 'if i were a parent, i'd dish out the extra cash for my kid's safety' convo, which led to our own personal experiences of being attacked in some way or another (and yes, I shared my being jumped on MUNI story which is, of course, the sole reason why I detest taking public transportation), which led to the story of when a co-worker and her friends were waiting for MUNI and a perv asked for directions while trying to satisfy himself, which led another co-worker to share how she was attacked by a flasher, which then prompted her to take self-defense classes, which then finally led us to tips on how not to be a victim. I know that's a poorly written sentence, but I just had to break it down. Kinda like that whole six degrees of separation thingy...sorta.

Moving on...

-------------------------

Interesting Battlescars

Being attacked by a pet monkey.
Almost being devoured by vultures.

I can't even begin to go into details and even if I tried, the person in question would probably kill me. I'm sure at the time, it must've been the most dreadful thing to experience....but c'mon!!! Monkeys and vultures??? Who and what can top that? I'm sorry....it's insanely funny to me....it shouldn't be, I know. I'm so bad.

-------------------------

"Strange...even when you know that it has to end...and when it finally does...you get that inevitable twinge of 'Have I done the right thing?'"

(Jude Law in Alfie)

*Finally found "Alfie" at Barnes and Nobles...'twas the one and only copy they had! Got my Jude Law fix for the day, and can I just say again? He's one fine, fine, fine lookin-man....

Is It So Difficult?

All it takes is a freakin' phone call...is that so difficult? A simple 3-5 minute conversation would suffice. We don't have to talk about the weather, how work is, or other small talk shit like that. It boggles the mind at how each pertinent question I have asked has been dodged and left unanswered. Why is that?

Do you do that to piss me off?

Would it kill you to pick up the phone? How about a voicemail? text? IM? email?

Call it common courtesy or call it my right to know. I don't see what the problem is. Don't give me the excuse that you've been busy with work because you and I know damn well that no matter how hectic work gets, there's ALWAYS time to make a quick call.....something.

The situation that we find ourselves in is one that I never thought in a million years we'd be. But here we are nonetheless. And yes, it bites. The BIG one. I have been trying my best to keep it nice and clean...and to be quite honest, my patience is running thin.

If the situation were reversed, I'd never withold information from you....even as we are in the middle of this thing that we are in the middle of. I shouldn't have to guess what's going on...throw me a freakin' bone and give me a clue. Is it so difficult?

-----------------------
"...And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you..."

(All-American Rejects)
-----------------------

It's amazing, and somewhat disturbing, at how much a person can get done on less than two hours of sleep. Be it adrenaline or the caffeinated Starbucks drink, or both, I can't believe that I made it through today.

Today was the first day back at school from Christmas vacation. Being the OCD nerdy teacher that I am, I actually went back to school a few days after the break started to clean out the classroom. As anxious as I was to begin the new year and as excited as I was to see my kids again, thankfully cleaning up last year's mess wasn't on my agenda. Last night was a different story. Being the queen procrastinator, I looked at my stack of papers that have been waiting to be corrected and I swear I heard them laugh at me. The question is again, WHY...why wait to do this the night before returning to school?

Oh and here's something ambitious I started....stupidly. The walls of my classroom have been void of a World Map...you'd think something as basic as a world map would be in EVERY classroom, yes? N-O-T! I actually do have one, but it's back in the Midwest along just about everything else that I own. Why I didn't grab the World Map when I got the U.S. one, I'll never know. In any case, at around 1:30am, I decide to check Yahoo maps and print one out. Simple, right? Quite the contrary! Instead, I ended up printing 20-something pages of these tiny maps that I had to tape together by overlapping them! Remember what ya'll had to do to your pics to make a panoramic picture BEFORE that option ever came in? Trying to make sure everything flows and looks flawless, right? OMIGOD, what did I get myself into? When I started it, I thought the kids would get a kick out of it, but it became tedious pretty quick. But I couldn't NOT finish it, you know? So print, cut, overlap, and tape I did....way too many times.

I was right, though...my kids DID get a kick out of it! And if I do say so myself, the whole things looks pretty flawless to me- lol!

I do have to say that my kids were almost-but-not-quite-angels today! You could tell that they were tired, too.....when my class gets that quiet, I start to worry. "What's wrong with you, people? Is this really MY class?" (they always get a kick out of me saying that, too....ha) Bless their hearts, the lil' buggers gave me a great day today.

Fast forward replay to P.E. (lots of running), a meeting after school (lots of talking), and hitting Best Buy and Target (lots of driving) on a mission to find "Alfie" (I'm on a Jude Law trip, remember?!). Didn't find it and was quite disappointed (lots of whining), proceeded to get stuck in a BART parking lot with Sha (lots of bitching), and lo and behold, I finally start to crash. BUT, got "Closer" instead, interesting alternative. But hey, I got my Jude Law fix and now, I have about 6 hours before I need to get up and start the whole thing all over again. Egads...

I Thought of You

I thought of you tonight
As the clock struck midnight and the countdown came to an end -
Another day I’ve been dreading has finally come to pass.
I drank some wine to join in the celebration
But it only made the sad and bitter feelings more prominent
And I suddenly wished you were here.

The tears stung my eyes and I tried my best to hold them in -
An indescribable pain struck somewhere from within my heart
And for the briefest moment, I had to step outside of myself just to breathe.
Ringing in another New Year without you didn’t make it any easier than the first -
If anything, it only exacerbated the certainty of our reality
That awaits us in the coming months.

Embraces exchanged with kisses aplenty, coins strewn around with tiny hands grabbing
With camera in hand flashing away, hoping to capture the excitement filling the air -
I looked all around me, surrounded by the people dearest to my heart
Letting the unmistakable feeling of family sink in and settle.
A sensation so overwhelming filled my entire body
And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life.
----------

Well, isn't that pretty damn depressing?

----------

Happy New Year, ya'll. Another year is upon us and all I could say is, "Wow...what a helluva year it has been." Well, seeing that I have not updated this in a while, I'm sure I've lost even my most faithful readers.....(yah J & Rho...I'm talking about you! Lol!). Still trying to tweak the skin...thought it was time to get something new and refreshing to look at. Anything to inspire me to write more.

The holidays have come and gone...and thank goodness it's all over. Now that I am on the verge of going back to work, I am now stressing over all the papers that I did NOT correct over vacation. Shit. Where did the time go? Why do I continue to wait until the last minute? Why do I torture myself and procrastinate?

I will be honest and say that I was quite the Scrooge before the holidays. I was anti-social, anti-party, anti-get-together, anti-family, anti-everything. I definitely wouldn't have made for the best company. But it did me some good. I took the time by myself to think...really think....about my life and all that has transpired. If ever there was a lowest point, I hit it.

I broke out of my anti-everything phase and met up with some friends for a holiday party- and it was exactly like chicken soup for the soul kinda stuff...and then some! It was awesome to reconnect to folks whom I've missed terribly...and okay, all of that wine helped out lots, too! The day prior I splurged on a new haircut...which everyone knows that pampering oneself is something that will ALWAYS make you feel better.

I had prided myself in going out to dinner by myself a couple of months ago- hooray for me 'cuz I've done it more than once now. On Christmas Day, I did what I've been wanting to do by myself for some time now...watch a movie! Not that I fell back into the anti-social phase...I just needed to be myself on that day. Went to watch The Holiday and was surprised because all I knew from the trailers was that it was about two ladies switching homes. Total chick flick, but hey, for the mood that I was in, it was the perfect film for me to see. Oh and okay, Jude Law, that fine, fine, fine-lookin' man made it much easier to get into the movie!

Okay, so now there's Jude Law and well, of course, the men of Il Divo, especially this one...

So yah...haha....a couple of guys like this can make me forget any of my personal woes for a bit!

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So here's something that might tickle your funny bone...a tad long, but read on and enjoy! Hoping and wishing that 2007 will be a bright one for all. Love and peace, ya'll...

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Yes, We Are Back to Them Again....



Okay, I've accepted that many of the people within my circle of friends do NOT enjoy these men as much as I do...still quite unfathomable in my eyes, but I've done my diva duty the best that I could. I have converted a handful of Divo-virgins at work...and while they have admitted to never ever hearing of Il Divo before (*shock!*), they are glad to know them now.

Il Divo, who is currently on tour with legendary Barbra Streisand, will be back in the Bay Area tomorrow night. They are on the last leg of their tour with only two more concerts to go in Las Vegas and Los Angeles. There will be thousands of Streisand fans flocking to the HP Pavillion in San Jose to hear Babs do her thang, but I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in the Il Divo Divas who will be coming out there showing their support and appreciation for these guys.

Newspaper and online articles mistakenly refer to them as the "operatic boy band." There is nothing BOY about them! They are M-E-N, for God's sake! Sexy, divine, gorgeous, cute...talented, intelligent, charming, suave, did I say SEXY, sweet, and deliciously appreciative of their fans. It may seem that women of all ages are going ga-ga over them and to them I say, "Well, how can you NOT?!"

Their newest album, "Siempre," hits stores on November 21st. If the other cds didn't float your boat, if you weren't feelin' the vibe (how could you not?!), and if opera crossover is not your thang, just do me a favor. Give it a try! I kid you not, I wouldn't be out here recommending something to ya'll if it sounded like crap.

Maybe I'm a bit crazed over these guys...maybe I should change out the cds in my car and listen to something else...but why should I? Every single time I hear their voices, it speaks to me and touches me deeply. I might've mentioned this before, but when I was younger, I couldn't quite understand what the big deal was over opera. I couldn't understand it because it was in a different language and in my opinion, the truly operatic voices did nothing for me.

Perhaps it's because I'm a bit older now. I have a deeper appreciation for different genres of music. Understanding WHAT is being sung comes second to HOW the actual music and melody makes me feel. And Il Divo does something to me...in me.

They make me believe in love again. Their voices make me melt and I can't help but sigh each time I hear them. Listening to their music transports me to a different place and time where romance is truly alive. Sometimes it's intense, sometimes it's just calm. But the purity of their voices tell me that these guys weren't just randomly put together...they were put together for a reason. And thank God they were!

If you don't want to buy the album, at least click on the link below. It'll take you to this Canadian site that is hosting a contest to win two tickets to fly to Italy and watch Il Divo perform. Too bad it's open to Canadian residents only! You'll be able to hear little snippets of a few of their new tracks off "Siempre."

C'mon...love them as much as I do! More updates later...

Il Divo's "Siempre" snippets

Still Breathing

In everything that I do, I feel that time is of the essence. It's already bad enough that there are not enough hours in a day to finish whatever it is I need to finish. As a teacher, there is never enough time to complete all of my corrections- the piles of papers never seem to get smaller. Rather, they seem to mock me from the corner, collecting dust, telling me how much of a procrastinator I am. On top of work, there never is enough time to hang out with friends. With the hustle and bustle of Christmas upon us, people are so busy, getting caught up in the fast lane of the holidays. There is the hope that we'll get together to catch up, but only if there's time. It's always about time. Time, time, time. The wish for more because of the lack thereof.

In my last post, oh so long ago, I felt that there was so much going on in my life that I had to struggle to catch my breath. A part of me just wanted to let you know that I'm still here....still breathing.

I haven't talked much about school and being back in the classroom. Honestly? I've loved every minute of it. It makes me wonder just how many people love waking up and going to their jobs each morning. I know I do. While I may not have the best day every day...considering on which kid decides to act up or whatnot...I can still say that I look forward to the following day. Being in a classroom with the eager beavers that I have make teaching so enjoyable. Just last week was parent-teacher conferences. While the days are long, I don't mind them so much. It's my chance to really get to talk with some parents, let them know how their kid is doing, and to get a sense of what kind of support my student is or isn't getting. As a whole, 99% of my conferences went well. The 1% that didn't? Oh man...that's for another blog post altogether. Let's just say that if you don't want your child to be learning any of the "Bible stuff" that we do on a daily basis, don't send your child to a Christian school. Moving on...

Mini-milestone

I ate at Olive Garden by myself the other day. By myself.

While many people might not think that's such a big deal, it is for me. I'm one of those people who don't do things on my own. I've never watched a movie on my own nor have I had dinner at a sit-down restaurant by myself. Truth be told, I've always been with someone, whether it was a friend, relative, significant other, or husband.

It took me a long time to decide. You know how you do that whole "should I or shouldn't I?" debate while you're driving...that drives me nuts. Because your whole driving period gets screwed up, you end up wasting gas, and to be quite honest, I hate that not-knowing-what-to-do-and-where-to-go feeling. I'm not the most spontaneous person out there...although I am trying my best to be. I don't think I ever really decided to go there...I somehow just ended up there.

I didn't have to, but I figured that eating solo may be something I should get used to doing. I shouldn't have to rely on anyone to get me through a simple meal, right? People do it all the time! It wasn't totally terrible because I took some papers to correct with me. It was my crutch, I suppose, but it got me through the evening. It was awkward and somewhat depressing, yet it was liberating at the same time. I felt proud of myself because like I said, this was a huge thing for me.


SFState on a Saturday Afternoon
(written on October 28, 2006)

I went back to SF State today on a whim
No plans, no appointments
But just because.

And boy, what a trip down memory lane it was!

As I drove my car around campus looking for parking,
I was reminded of the countless times I’ve passed these very same streets
Circling, following, and trying to fight for any available space
Urgently and fervently praying I wouldn’t be late for class.

The names of these streets escape me, but the paths are ingrained in my head
There isn’t an inch of road that I did not scour in search of “the perfect parking space.”

I got to campus and headed toward the Student Union,
The mecca and center of all student life activity.
Seeing that it was a Saturday afternoon,
I didn’t expect the usual hustle and bustle of college life passing me by.
Rather, I was met by an almost empty campus
Sprinkled with students lazily basking in the sun or making their way to the library.

It was then that I was hit by a deep sense of nostalgia.
Just as the surrounding streets are etched in my mind,
So are the winding paths that lead to certain buildings.

I remembered the times when PACE would table for upcoming events, when student activists took the stage to open our minds and get us involved-
I remembered the hi’s and hello’s as I passed friends on the way to class-
Even the stolen kisses of past boyfriends and the feeling of being on cloud nine.

Making my way through the Student Union,
I was surprised at how much had changed and how much has stayed the same.
I even saw the familiar PACE office where I spent the majority of my time.
I went downstairs in search of the restroom and then momentarily found myself lost.

Then it came back to me-
The conference rooms, the pub, the Depot, the whole lower level eating area, the pool hall, and the game room
So many memories…

Finally finding the restroom, I resorted to that instinctive behavior I acquired years ago-
I checked every stall.
During my days at State, there was the occasional rape or robbery involving women in the restroom.
Campus safety was always an issue and all of us couldn’t be too safe
Traveling in pairs was the norm- it was the rule.
When the coast was clear, I sat and did my business
Looking over to my right, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Right above the toilet paper dispenser was the all too familiar chalkboard
Erotic, and sometimes neurotic, messages anonymously scribbled
Laugh out loud quips and even some to make you think.
I can’t recall if I ever participated in adding my own two cents about anything,
But taking it all in for what it was worth,
I’d like to think that I did.

I wandered more around campus, admiring the changes and feeling cheated
as I always do when I see improvements after my departure-
I climbed these stairs remembering how it led to the outside pyramids
Only to be led to a dead end instead.
Stairs leading to nowhere.

I resolved to find a quiet spot and found my refuge-
A lonely and weathered bench underneath a tree outside the Student Union.
It’s a bench that I’ve sat many a time, but today was different.

It has been eight years since I last attended SF State
And I’m beginning to feel my age.
Though it is a campus of different walks of life
Varied people of varied ages,
I feel old.

My college life, now well behind me, has left a huge imprint on everything I do.
College was one of the greatest times in my life that I’ll never forget.
I learned a lot about love, life, and friendship
I learned more about me.
Essentially, I grew up.
I would never trade those years for anything in the world.

Taking a Deep Breath

The year thus far has been my toughest yet. So many life changes have taken place that I cannot even begin to describe the impact in which my decisions have and will lead me. One could say that I am in unchartered territory. I am in a place where I never dreamed it would be possible for me to be and it's a place where I can only hope to leave as soon as I can. I am reminded each and every day of my current predicament and the only comfort I am offered is the guaranteed certainty of a better and brand new day.

I have acquired a "screw it/f*ck it" attitude. What one might consider to be a fantastical dilemma, I brush it off as a mere trial. My priorities in my life have definitely changed. I simply do not have the time to worry about the little things and I surely do not have time to deal with stupid bullsh*t from senseless people. I may come off as brash or inconsiderate, but if you are of adult age and mind, I expect you to use common sense, however little of it you do have.

I have come to anticipate rejection and disappointment...and while this may apppear to sound downright depressing to its core, it can also be seen as a reflex or instinct to protect myself. Yes, we have all been hurt before. Life wouldn't have it any other way, else we would never learn from our mistakes. We all have our share of sob stories and in order to heal, we turn to our loved ones for comfort. But sometimes even our loved ones let you down, too.

When is it enough? When is too much, too much? There comes a time when support systems can no longer function and do its job. I have always been a believer in asking for help. Lord knows that we are not mind readers and I'm sure many of you have been on the receiving end of unwanted advice. We don't want to be those people. No one wants to be the nag who tells you what they think you should do because dammit, I'm a grown ass woman who can make decisions for myself. But at the same time, we should also be those people who don't have to ask that question of "How are you doing?" We don't have to ask because it's the wrong question to ask. It's not a matter of conversation, it's a matter of checking in and already knowing the answer.

For those who are asking the wrong question, let me set the record straight- things in my life are not hunky-dory. It hasn't been all rainbows and lollipops. If truth be told, it's been hell and I'm stuck in my personal nightmare. You may see a smile on my face and yes, it does seem that I am enjoying my life as it is right now. But that is how I cope and deal...this is me going on...and this is me showing the world that I have survived. Sure, some might say, "Well damn girl, it's not the end of the freakin' world!" This, I am already aware of, thank you very much. But sue me for being f@cking human. I know there ain't no use crying over spilled milk...but it doesn't change the fact that I am still thirsty for it.

I guess that I'm just tired of the sympathetic looks of pity, but y'know what? Save it. Save it for someone who wants to wallow in their own mess. And save your advice for when it is asked. I know what my situation entails and if you have to ask me how I'm doing about it, how I'm dealing with it, save your breath. Plus, if you don't want to be bombarded with the truth that may be awkward, do both of us a favor and talk about something else....Il Divo, for example. Two little words that will automatically brighten my day. Oh yah, the other two are chocolate and coffee. Those will do just fine, too.

And so while ya'll ponder when would be a good time to treat MnM to a grande cup of coffee, I'm going to sit here and take a few deep breaths...